Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

How Echo & the Bunnymen Changed the Way We Pretend to Be Into Obscure ’80s Bands

Posted on September 24, 2019 by Dan Rice

Whether you’re a fan of the idea of listening to The Psychedelic Furs or a fan of that one Jesus and Mary Chain song, you have Echo & the Bunnymen to thank for your entire personality.

Ever since 1997, the ‘80s were an incredible time for music. From The Cure to The Smiths to The Cure’s later work, early adopter emo kids could not get enough of the gloomy melodramatic post-punk of that decade. But by 1999, emo faced a huge problem: posers.

Posers everywhere were discovering The Cure and The Smiths. Real emo kids needed a new ‘80s band to idolize, but no one had actually heard of other ‘80s bands in 1998. Enter Echo & the Bunnymen.

Echo & the Bunnymen first grabbed attention after their song “The Killing Moon” appeared on the greatest record of the 1980s, The Donnie Darko Soundtrack, way back in 2001. Seemingly overnight this 17-year-old song became an instant classic. All across the country scenesters were accidentally playing it because they forgot to put Mad World on repeat while thinking, “Oh yeah, I’ve ALWAYS been into this.”

While emo posers and Hot Topic goths gravitated towards the INXS and Tears for Fears entries on the Donnie Darko Soundtrack, truly unique scene kids could not get enough of The Killing Moon. It wasn’t long before they presumed that Echo & the Bunnymen had other songs, and that some of those songs were probably good as well. Echo & the Bunnymen were officially cool as fuck, and so was any band that pooped up in a google search for similar artists.

Without Echo & The Bunnymen it is entirely possible that you would have never heard of but not really gotten around to listening to Gang of Four, New Order, Bauhaus or countless others.

Wait is Countless Others an ‘80s band? Yeah, yeah I think I’ve heard of them. Never listened to them but I heard they were good.

NFL Dating Simulator Wins Survival Horror Game of the Year

Posted on September 24, 2019 by John Danek

NEW YORK — NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell held a press conference at NFL Headquarters to announce that their terrifying new video game NFL Dating Simulator has already won accolades by several game publications.

“In an effort to expand the NFL’s potential audience, we saw an opportunity in the gaming space beyond traditional football video games,” explained Goodell. “So we partnered with Eli Roth and Rob Zombie to write and create a game that truly reflects the experience of dating an NFL player. It has already clinched IGN’s Survival Horror Game of the Year.”

A video demo of the game revealed Resident Evil-style tank controls, an expansive inventory of items used for self-defense, and creeping sense of dread that survival is less and less likely in the latter half of the game.

“I signed up for the beta, and NFL Dating Simulator makes the Silent Hill series look like Candy Crush,” explained gamer Charnelle Davids. “It’s really fun but insanely tough. I got the ‘bad ending’ where you finally find a police officer but he refuses to do anything because your boyfriend is on his fantasy team.”

Game reviewers agree that the game pushes the boundaries of fear in video games.

“At first we assumed this was a cash grab hot off the heels of Kentucky Fried Chicken’s dating simulator I Love You, Colonel Sanders, but the gameplay is very deep with a near-unbearable sense of terror,” explained Jason Lin, reviewer at IGN. “The first few levels do a great job of slowly ramping up the difficulty, starting with the player avoiding a slow, injured Ben Roethlisberger. The player also has a cell phone so that the main character’s sister can give tips for survival, but you must be careful to not accidentally open Brett Favre’s dick pics or the player takes damage.”

The most common criticism of the game is that there are some bugs, such as the fact that the player is often attacked despite standing in full view of the game’s many security cameras which are supposed to be safe zones.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Visibly Panicked Jonathan Davis Enters Fourth Straight Hour of Scatting

Posted on September 24, 2019 by Edgar Towner

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Korn vocalist Jonathan Davis distressed audiences last night by extending the famous vocal solo of the song “Freak on a Leash” well beyond the scheduled end of the performance, increasingly frightened concert attendees reported.

“Something was very wrong there,” said Korn fan Kendall Royer. “When I was up at the front, he kept reaching down and grabbing at me. At first I thought he was just getting really into the music… but then I saw that naked, animal fear in his eyes. My God, those eyes — like the eyes of a terrified little boy, but not the cool, edgy little boy from the first album. I think someone should’ve called an ambulance.”

Concertgoers were not the only ones to sense Davis’s terror. Indeed, other members of Korn expressed their worry after awkwardly shuffling offstage an hour into their singer’s episode.

“Man, he’s really dug in this time,” said Korn guitarist Munky immediately after the show. “We usually just let Jonathan do his thing — at a certain point, he usually switches over to the bagpipes — but Jesus, I couldn’t play anymore. I ran out of riffs. I hadn’t seen him go that hard since the ‘making Ross Robinson buy us meth’ days. I’m getting kinda concerned here… the scatting thing is a staple of the set, but the mouth foam is new.”

“Anyway, people are starting to leave, so maybe we… wait, is he pissing his pants? Oh, God. Oh, shit,” Munky concluded.

Davis, whose reputation for on-stage provocation had faded prior to this incident, showed no signs of slowing as his shrieking non-verbal performance entered its fourth hour.

“Hmm dop diggita HELP ba shicka rappa dow,” he said as he slipped in a puddle of his own spittle. “Racki-tacka rum bow HURTS buh-fugga oora ma babakah HOSPITAL bop doddy hee-boo.”

At press time, Davis was seen thrashing on a gurney as paramedics scrambled to find a sedative that would have any effect on him.

Punk Ice Cream Truck Rips Through “Turkey in the Straw” in Like 12 Seconds

Posted on September 23, 2019 by Joe Rumrill

HAVERHILL, Mass. — A punk-themed ice cream truck impressed potential patrons yesterday with a raw, energetic version of “Turkey in the Straw” that lasted roughly 12 seconds, multiple witnesses craving a cold treat confirmed.

“I was out mowing the lawn, and all of a sudden I heard someone yell, ‘One, two, fuck you!’ And then I saw the ice cream truck speed by at like, 60 miles per hour with the driver giving me the finger. It was awesome,” said local neighbor Gary Rodgers. “Normally, when people go faster than 25 on this street, I take down their plate and notify the police… but this truck was just so sick, it didn’t even cross my mind. It made me want to go to the next town hall meeting and tell that Selectman dickhead Eddy Pinert to take his garbage tax and shove it up his ass.”

The ice cream truck’s owner and chief proprietor, Thomas “Cold Hands” Hensen, claimed business has been booming.

“I credit our success to not buying into the same, tired soundtrack every other ice cream man in this bullshit town plays over their speaker. My band, Revenge Suicide, recorded this in my basement, and it pumps people up to eat ice cream,” said Hensen. “And I think the fact that I don’t park myself outside soccer games and community pools also helps — I go where juveniles are performing community service, and I make a fucking killing. I hate capitalism, but it’s working out great for me right now.”

However, many customers credited Hensen’s unique treats for the truck’s success.

“He doesn’t sell your typical frozen goods… like some awful, Sonic the Hedgehog frozen pop with a gumball for its eye that cuts your cheek when you bite into it. No, this guy has a Misfits’ ‘Crimson ghost’ pop with two gumball eyeballs that cut the shit out of your cheeks,” said ice cream truck regular Amy Tirado. “I’m not sure where someone manufactures an ice cream pop like that, but he only charges half-price if you donate a canned good, so that’s pretty sweet.”

Despite his success, Hensen is reportedly looking forward to the end of the summer season, so he can begin preparations for his “punk Christmas tree lot” that will only sell stolen trees.

Friends Concerned After White Guy Expresses No Interest in Visiting Japan

Posted on September 23, 2019 by John Danek

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Pasty white guy Michael Stephenson alarmed friends and loved ones by vocalizing that he had absolutely no interest in visiting Japan, disturbed sources report.

“I just don’t get it. He’s a white guy, and a pale-as-fuck one at that,” said shocked girlfriend Leila Ghali, who has dated Michael for almost 9 months. “We started talking about taking our first vacation together, so obviously I proposed Japan. He looked me right in the eyes and said ‘no’. Like, what? A white guy not wanting to visit Japan is like an apple floating instead of falling from a tree. It defies the laws of the universe.”

Stephenson claimed he was no stranger to upsetting those around him with his unconventional preferences.

“It’s time for the world to realize that white guys are not a monolith,” explained Stephenson, who does not collect records, guitars, or Funko Pop! Vinyl dolls. “I have no desire to go to Japan. Obscure Italian horror movies from the ‘70s don’t interest me, and I sure as shit don’t want to do the Hot Wings challenge. Ever. I really only read queer poetry lately and am going to push for a vacation in Uruguay.”

Historically, visiting Japan has been considered a white guy rite of passage, similar to birthright trips for Jewish youth or a Pantera fan’s first stint in federal prison.

“For centuries, white guys have wanted to leave behind their boring hometown to visit Japan, where they think they’ll be considered tall and attractive,” said anthropologist Mary Weinstadt. “But it wasn’t until the late Edo period when Japan ended its isolationist policy that white guys worldwide were able to visit their spiritual home. They continue to do so regularly to this day, reliving childhood memories formed by JRPGs and anime.”

Later reports on the couple suggested that the relationship was now on shaky terms, after Michael was unable to fake enthusiasm when Leila bought him Radiohead tickets.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Party Bike Rigged to Explode if Riders Stop Being Annoying as Hell

Posted on September 23, 2019 by Dan Rice

LOS ANGELES — Tensions remain high in downtown Los Angeles today after the discovery that a party bike was rigged to explode the moment its passengers stop being obnoxious pieces of shit, officials monitoring the crisis confirmed.

“I got this call from some guy being like, ‘If those beer-swilling attention freaks pedaling a road boat through L.A. traffic stop yelling, ‘Woo hoo!’ for more than 30 seconds, the bike will explode,” yelled party bike rider Donny Markstein, still peddling for four hours and counting. “Then he said if we stop drinking beers, get off the bike, or take off any of these bead necklaces with the shot glasses on ‘em, then the bike will explode, too. Whoo!”

Allegedly, in addition to the bomb’s annoyance sensor, the bike could explode if it either comes to a stop or goes above 12mph, and an additional sensor was added to ensure the bike must be obstructing some traffic at all times.

Passengers include a small bachelor party, a half-dozen tourists, and a woman who was just taking the party bike to work because her license is suspended.

“I am so fucking scared, dude. Whooo!” passenger Toby “Scoop” Reynolds told a reporter walking alongside the doomed party vessel taking up the full bike lane. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m having the time of my life chugging beer under blinky lights and annoying the shit out of everyone — I just wish my life didn’t depend on it!”

“Yeah! Woo hoo! Look at us everybody. I fucking love this song!” he added.

Police are working on a plan to replenish the party bike’s supply of Coors Light, which is running dangerously low.

“It’s not difficult to bring supplies to the trapped douchebags, since the fucking bike only goes like 8 mph,” said EMT Lydia Trouse. “The real challenge is the psychology involved: encouraging or enabling a party bike in any way goes against every social instinct of a healthy person. I’m just gonna pretend there’s a kitten on the party bike, and be in and out.”

The LAPD initially proposed rescue attempts, such as disarming the explosive or airlifting the passengers to safety, but have ultimately chose to “just let it play out naturally.”

We Deepfaked Ariana Grande Onto GG Allin and Quickly Realized That Man Should Not Play God

Posted on September 23, 2019 by John Danek

The Hard Times needed a win. Facebook has been choking our traffic, and our fans won’t stop tagging their friends in our posts saying “You might like this, it’s like the Onion but worse.” So I dove into the depths of the internet to see what is popular so The Hard Times can copy it and make it kinda punk.

This is where I discovered the world of deepfaking. It’s a highly advanced AI technique for altering video to attach someone’s face onto another person’s body. Choosing the body was easy. Is there a better option for physical comedy than G.G. Allin? His essence contains multitudes- poopy, peepee, blood, and the tiniest documented penis in music history.

But then I had to choose the perfect face. I contemplated keeping it in the punk world with Mark Hoppus but it just needed more pizzazz. Punk-on-punk wasn’t going to cut it. I decided to research non-punk celebrities.

One of the most popular appears to be a singer named Ariana Grande. She looks like a cross between pom pom and a sexy lab mouse. Perfect. I loaded her face and a G.G. Allin performance into the algorithm, and I am loath to describe what I saw.

Do you remember being a kid and doing something clearly wrong, then hiding in the corner repeatedly uttering “Oh no, this is bad. This is bad.” This is exactly what I did. It was simply an abomination. The nausea washed over me as I tried to cry, yet no tears could come out. I lost the ability to swallow.

I am become fake; destroyer of news.

Despite being vehemently atheist for years, I realized in this moment that God made us in His image, and what I created here was pure blasphemy. I had spat in the eye of creation and to my horror creation did blink I made the sign of the cross and took a shot of holy water, drove to the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge, and chucked the computer out of the window, voiding the warranty but saving untold multitudes of souls.

“Vindicate me, my God, and plead my cause against an unfaithful nation. Rescue me from those who are deceitful and wicked.”
Psalm 43:1

White House Reporters Spam ‘A’ Button Through Entire Press Conference

Posted on September 23, 2019 by Gabie Barnes

WASHINGTON — A group of White House correspondents reportedly pressed the ‘A’ button frantically for the duration of President Donald Trump’s press conference this morning, in hopes of speeding through whatever repetitive nonsense he was rattling on about, media sources confirm.

“Honestly, it’s nothing we haven’t heard before,” said Danika Waters, White House Correspondent for Politico, while desperately smashing the ‘A’ button on her Nintendo Switch Joy-Con. This caused the President to move at a quick and inconsistent pace, only able to get out the first two words of each sentence before receiving the command to accelerate his movements and move on to the next section.

“He regurgitates the same five talking points every damn conference,” Waters complained. “‘Something-something border wall, something-something fake news, something-something trade war with China.’ I don’t even know why I’m here.”

Chris Wilcox, reporter for Breitbart News, had a different reason for rushing the conference.

“The White House does a pretty shoddy job getting the message out there, so this cutscene is kind of meaningless. The real work comes later, when we get back to the Breitbart newsroom and grind for an hour until we get something at least halfway coherent,” Wilxox said, continuing to mash the ‘A’ button on the Xbox controller he brought from home. “I hope this gets done soon. My thumb is starting to cramp up.”

Much to the audible frustration of everyone in the room, President Trump restarted his rambly improvised statement word for word after one reporter, whose identity could not be determined, pressed the ‘A’ button too many times. This was the third time in a row that this had occurred.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Striking GM Workers Give Subpar Folk Singer a Firm “Thanks, but No Thanks”

Posted on September 23, 2019 by Dan Kozuh

DETROIT — Striking GM auto workers politely rejected yesterday folk singer Joe Nash’s offer to play inspiring, Americana labor ballads as a sign of solidarity.

Onlookers report Nash made it through the first verse of Billy Bragg’s “There Is Power in the Union” before being forced to stop.

“We were doing some of our usual strike chants when suddenly, there was this piercing harmonica,” said UAW striker Hal Pearson. “This hipster dork came out of nowhere, sat on a bucket and struggled to play some chords while misquoting lyrics. While we’re thankful for his support, he’s doing more harm than good.”

Nash, who was asked to leave a local nurses’ strike in February and a climate change protest last month, reportedly tried to do a rendition of “Solidarity Forever” before his guitar was wrestled away from him.

“I’ve always felt connected to the blue-collar workers of America,” said Nash, who allegedly still believes the best way he can help a cause is “the gift of song.” “My dad is an executive at an oil refinery — these salt-of-the-earth people are my people, you know? The first time I heard Bob Dylan, I knew he’d spent his life working with his hands. ”

Security footage showed the crowd watching the strike dwindled to just a few people within seconds of Nash beginning his routine — which did not go unnoticed by GM management.

“We’ve tried our best to hold good faith negotiations, but these workers are playing dirty bringing in this nauseating noise maker to disrupt our workday,” GM CEO Mary T. Barra said. “As soon as he started playing outside the building, I got a splitting headache and diarrhea.”

After being shooed away from the picket line, Nash went to play for a local LGBTQ Pride event last night, where he was later arrested and charged with a hate crime due to the amount of complaints from attendees.

Jeans Accidentally Cut-Off Vertically

Posted on September 22, 2019 by Joe Rumrill

TEMPE, Ariz. — Local idiot Eli Burkhardt made a fool of himself today by accidentally cutting off his jeans vertically, leaving the back of his legs and rear end completely exposed while loose strips of denim barely covered the rest of his lower body.

“It’s been hot as balls here, and I needed to do something in order to beat the heat. My friend Dan [Guerrero] told me I should make my pants into cutoffs because it would help with all the sweat on the back of my knees,” said the dullard. “He was absolutely right. I’ve never felt more free and cool in my life. You don’t realize how restrictive long pants can be until you tailor them for your own comfort.”

However, Guerrero insisted he did not direct his friend to modify his pants this way.

“We were in my basement smoking, and I said he ‘must be hot as hell in pants,’ and that I can give him some scissors to make cutoffs, and he was on board with the idea,” said Guerrero. “He went to my upstairs bathroom and came back down with just… these like, front flaps of his jeans flowing in front of him, like denim tassels or something. You could tell he seemed so proud of himself — he said I was a genius, and that he’s going to go straight home and do this to all his pants. Frankly, I don’t know if it’s my duty as a friend to stop him, or if it’s my duty as a friend to let this happen and then roast him later.”

Those close to Burkhardt reported this is not the first time he misunderstood a simple task and ruined his personal property.

“A few years back, he bought a new baseball glove, and heard the best way to break it in was to park your car on top it. He thought it would be faster if he put his glove in the road and let a bunch of cars run over it,” said former roommate Jake Ross. “Well, after about an hour, the glove was completely destroyed and then some birds took off with most of it. All that was left was the thumb… and he still played an entire softball game with just that on.”

At press time, Burkhardt was being treated for minor burns on the back of his thighs after sitting on a hot bus stop bench.

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