Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Bellsprout Abandoned at Day Care Getting Sick of Fucking

Posted on September 22, 2019 by Pat Cavanaugh

GOLDENROD CITY — A Bellsprout left at the Pokémon Day Care Center on Route 34 is getting pretty sick of fucking, sources in his inner circle say.

“Levels 9 through 50 were a beautiful, free-wheeling time in my life. Fucked my way up to level 70. But at level 82, the magic’s gone,” the exhausted Bellsprout said through a translator. “I’ve done it every which way a hundred times over. Now when a Ratata asks me to get busy, I say I’d rather read a book and go to sleep.”

The Day Care Couple have been trying to restart the Bellsprout’s libido, which they consider to be a fixture of their center. They have not had much luck.

“We’ve adjusted his diet to include poké snacks with aphrodisiacal properties, I sprayed some pheromones in the play area, but nothing’s working,” the Day-Care Lady said. “That Bellsprout is a key selling point of our Day Care. Every time I see the billboard declaring our center ‘Home of the Bellsprout that fucks!’ I feel like a liar.”

Indeed, other clients of the Day Care Center know of the reputation of the Bellsprout. Ryan Akins, who lets his Ditto stay in the Day Care from time to time, chose the center in part because of the Bellsprout’s mythic status.

“The Bellsprout? Yeah, that guy’s a legend,” Akins said. “He actually fathered some of my core party. The EVs of his Victreebel son got me through the water gym. Sad to hear he’s tired of fucking, but he’ll always be a hero in my book. Always wondered how someone could leave such horny king behind.”

The Victreebel, who has seen his star rise to the ranks of the elite four and is considered a contender for a Pokémon League Champion party, draws pride from his heritage.

“Most Pokémon don’t like to talk about their parent’s sex life,” the Victreebel joked through a translator. “But when you’ve got a dad like mine, you can’t help but be a little proud. Sometimes I wonder if all the sex was him trying to make up for something he lost, though.”

Sources say that recently, after the doors to the Day Care opened, the Bellsprout peeked his head out with a hopeful gaze. When he saw it wasn’t his owner, he muttered “Bellsprout” – Pokémon for “Guess I’ll just go fuck some more.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Ex Hoping You’ll Still Want to Remain Friends, Send Nudes, See Where Things Go

Posted on September 22, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

DUNWOODY, Ga. — Recently dumped dirtbag Jimmy Crocetta is allegedly hoping his ex-girlfriend Christina Jindra will want to still remain friends, send him nudes, and “just see where things go from there, or whatever,” according to sources.

“I’ll be honest, I didn’t really want to ‘remain friends,’ but I figured if I said ‘yes,’ I’d be letting him down easy,” said Jindra. “Of course, Jimmy’s using that tiny, little opening to weasel his way back into my life. Lately he’s been calling me at all hours of the night, crying his eyes out and begging for just one pic of my ‘big naturals’ or he’s going to kill himself.”

Jindra’s friend and confidante Maggie Chevonne has supported Jindra through the many tribulations of the difficult relationship.

“After Christina turned down all his requests for nudes, he started sending dick pics… like, a lot of dick pics. She tried to explain that this isn’t something friends do to each other, but he tried to play it off — he actually said, ‘Come on, bro. Me and my friends send each other junk pics all the time,’” said Chevonne. “He sent one last pic that was apparently meant for me after I saw him at a bar a couple weeks ago… but he didn’t have my number and said he was hoping she’d pass it along. What a sack of literal shit.”

Relationship therapist and counselor Dr. Samatha Finkle offered some advice for women in Jindra’s situation.

“Unfortunately, this is something I’ve seen a lot: guys who think remaining friends with your ex means treating her exactly like you did when you dated, but calling her ‘dude’ and ‘bro’ instead of ‘babe.’ Oh, and sleeping with other people,” said Finkle. “In these situations, it’s best to cut ties completely — or drive him to the middle of nowhere and leave him for dead. Hopefully after doing that, he may start to get the hint.”

At press time, Crocetta accepted that Jindra does not wish to get back together, but insisted that if she’s unwilling to see where things go, he’s no longer obligated to pay her back all the money he owes her.

Poser Bassist Uses a Pick, or Maybe Doesn’t Use a Pick? I’m Not Sure, Which Do We Allow?

Posted on September 22, 2019 by Louie Aronowitz

I was at this show last night and this totally lame poser in a totally lame poser band was playing his bass with a pick! Like, who does that?! Or wait, no, he was using his fingers. THAT’S what made him a poser. No, wait, pick is definitely poser. Yeah, that’s it.

Whatever. He was a fucking poser, that’s the point!

They were this punk trio called Scape G.O.A.T.s or some other poser nonsense so it makes sense that the bassist would use a pick. I mean, the songs were really fast, so he definitely needed a pick. Also, it sounded better with the pick because it had that extra impact noise coming through. So maybe you’re a huge lame poser if you don’t use a pick on bass, right? Is that how that works? No, it’s the other way around, for sure. I don’t know why I’m even questioning this so much.

Also is it ‘pick’ or ‘pic?’ The internet said ‘pick’ but it also said Green Day was in my recent search history, and while that may be true, it makes me feel like a poser so I’m gonna go with ‘pic’ from here on out.

Here’s the thing: I know what I’m talking about when it comes to playing bass. Trust me, I took bass lessons from this guy named Tucker that worked at Guitar Center and played in a Tool cover band, so like, I get it. He taught me to use a pic because that’s what cool rock dudes do. Or wait, no, he taught me NOT to use a pic, ‘cause THAT’S what cool rock dudes do. Shit, now I don’t remember.

In any event, as a bassist who absolutely does/doesn’t use a pick/pic, I can confirm, I do it the correct way. The non-poser way. Also, is it ‘poser’ or ‘poseur?’ Posers say it one way and poseurs say it the other way. Either way, I’m NOT a poser/poseur.

I’m gonna start saying ‘biter’ again. Remember that term? That shit ruled.

Playing bass is an art, and I’m an artist. There is only one correct way to play bass in any setting. Whether it’s rock, funk, jazz, metal, or country, bass should always/never be played a pick/pic, unless you’re a poser/poseur.

Punk Putting on Hockey Jersey Signals Unofficial End of Summer

Posted on September 22, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — A man wearing a faded, several-years-old novelty Labatt Blue hockey jersey at an all-ages show last week marked the unofficial end of summer for the local punk scene, wistful sources confirmed.

“This stage-diver was passed my way at the Fightsong show last week. I put up my hand to support him, and felt the unmistakable mesh polyester of a hockey jersey — sure enough, the dude’s sporting a vintage, sweat-stained sweater,” said local punk Alan Vahan. “Yeah, he was also wearing shorts… but dudes like that wear shorts no matter what. There’s no denying it. Summer is over. So depressing.”

Fellow punk Jenni Potenza was equally saddened to see the jersey-clad man, noting that summer had seemingly just started.

“Damn. I can’t believe winter is right around the corner. It felt like only yesterday I made all my jeans into cutoffs and my Doc Martens into steel-toe sandals. I’m betting high school kids are just about ready to go back to skipping all their classes,” said Potenza. “I’m not sure why, but it feels like punks start putting on their hockey jerseys earlier and earlier every year. Maybe it’s just that I’m getting older… or maybe it’s just climate change. Or perhaps the NHL moving up the start of preseason following the 2015 season. Who knows, really?”

Meteorologist Katrina Liepa noted that while summer may be over, early fall temperatures can still make hockey jerseys very dangerous for punks.

“Yes, it is autumn, but this time of year is still particularly hot. I highly recommend punks consider getting into basketball, football, or any other sport where the jerseys have short sleeves,” said Liepa. “However, if you insist on being a hockey fan, try using this simple rule of thumb: if your dad is making jokes about the size of his sausages, it’s still too hot to wear a hockey jersey. But if he switched over to pumpkin spice jokes, you should be ok.”

At press time, Vahan was dreading his first sighting of a UPS driver wearing long pants, which would mark the unofficial start of winter.

Photo by Steven Yuen.

Psychedelic Blues Band Lineup Made up Entirely of Sideburns

Posted on September 21, 2019 by Jonah Nink

MILWAUKEE — Up-and-coming psychedelic blues band Sharp Shave, made up entirely of human-sized, anthropomorphic sideburns, drew dozens of Wisconsinites to a small Milwaukee club last Thursday, sources wearing terrible hats confirmed.

“They really are the only true psychedelic blues band out there right now,” said music critic and blues aficionado Alan Callahan. “Sure, other bands might look and sound like a psychedelic blues band — some of their members might even have sideburns — but none of them are actually walking piles of facial hair that rock so hard you fear their instruments might burst into flames at any moment, and then the whole place will have that awful, burning hair smell.”

Sharp Shave’s “Ambrose” tour has already spread sultry riffs and trace amounts of dandruff to 11 major cities.

“I caught them a few years back when they could barely reach halfway down a cheek, and they were awesome then,” said longtime fan Clive O’Hara. “But now these guys are the full-on chops you’d expect to see on the leader of a rowdy biker gang, and they play like Satan himself is chasing them with a Gillette Mach 3.”

While they lack anything but charisma on stage, the group can be very reclusive when not performing. When reached for comment about their rehearsal routine, the band’s bassist made an angry, hissing sound for a few seconds before slithering across the floor.

“The guys don’t like doing interviews. I think part of it is because they’re ungodly creatures gifted with the power of jazz, and not gifted with speech. People think I’m crazy for sticking with them so long, but I do it because I love the music,” said Skip Hansen, the band’s longtime manager. “I also do it because they scare the shit out of me when I’m awake, and the nightmares I have about them are even worse.”

After finishing their set, Sharp Shave received a standing ovation from everyone in the crowd except the venue’s lone janitor, who began to cry after seeing the gargantuan pile of shed hair left behind on the stage.

Slimy Clump of Strawberries on Bottom of Yogurt Local Man’s Only Source of Fruit

Posted on September 21, 2019 by Krissy Howard

BOSTON — Local man, and person with little to no concern for his physical well-being, Travis Ligresti was spotted eating his fifth fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt cup this week, allegedly serving as his only source of fruit since moving out of his parents’ house four years ago.

“I don’t get much time on my lunch break, so these yogurts are just super quick to eat and pretty cheap, too,” Ligresti said, while spooning the slimy blob of strawberries at the bottom of his Chobani yogurt cup into the rest of the yogurt. “You just peel back that aluminum top thing, blend in the weird little pool of yogurt water at the top and mix away. Simple as that, and bam — all four of the food groups in one little cup.”

Friends of the nutritionally-imbalanced young man are concerned for Ligresti, however, based mostly on his “dead body-looking” complexion and generally poor immune system function.

“I really love how much Trav loves those little yogurts… but no grown human should live like this by choice. It’s not like he doesn’t have access to huge bowls of real fruit all day in the breakroom at his job,” said long-time friend and former bandmate Chelsea-Lynn Brooks. “I’m not saying I’m hot shit or anything — I mean, most of my food is either bread or cheese, or some combination of those things, so no judgment — but I don’t think french fries actually count as vegetables. And three peanut toffee buzz Clif Bars can’t be all it takes to meet one’s recommended protein requirement for the day.”

“I’m not sure if scurvy is still a thing, but if it is, then I’m pretty sure he’s got it,” she added.

Despite the desperate pleas from those closest to him, Ligresti stands by his dietary choices.

“Listen, sorry I’m not Lance Armstrong or whatever, but some of us real folks don’t have personal chefs to make us healthy shit all day,” Ligresti explained. “I’m a regular guy, and I order the majority of my meals to be delivered to my door through an app on my phone five to eight times a week, just like everyone else. Plus, when I do go grocery shopping, I always get the Amy’s brand, not that poison Kraft garbage.”

At press time, Ligresti ordered a frozen pina colada at happy hour, but asked the bartender to skip the pineapple as to not “overdo it on the sugar.”

It Takes Decades of Composing Video Game Soundtracks to Know Exactly When to Bleep and When to Bloop

Posted on September 21, 2019 by Kevin Flynn

I’ve had a long career as a composer for Nintendo. I’m responsible for the music behind some of the company’s most beloved franchises, including Super Mario, The Legend of Zelda, Star Fox, and more. Some people may think that my job is trivial, or that any amateur could write a catchy, looping jingle to play alongside a level in a video game. However, my 36 years of experience composing music for games has taught me many crucial skills; the most important of them all, without a doubt, is knowing when to bleep and when to bloop.

Melody and counter-melody, motif and leitmotif, rhythm and tempo. These are all important pairs that one must be well acquainted with to compose a great song. But I’ve found that the discourse surrounding the equally important concepts of bleep and bloop is troublingly scarce. Of course, this is not surprising – bleep and bloop are fairly new music theory concepts only as old as the study of game music composition itself. That is why I am eager to share my knowledge to help educate aspiring game music composers and advance the music community’s understanding of bleep and bloop as a whole.

The biggest mistake amateur composers make is assuming that bleep and bloop are interchangeable. This is patently false. It’s like saying that a piccolo and contrabassoon are interchangeable. Bleeps are whimsical and jubilant; they are the sound of Mario hopping through World 1–1, of Link entering Kakariko Village for the first time, or of Fox McCloud flying through Corneria at full speed. Bloops are sullen and moody; they are the sound of Mario creeping through Bowser’s Castle, or of Link being transformed into a rabbit in the Shadow World, or of Slippy Toad crashing his Arwing into molten lava. Bleep and bloop each have their time and place in a game’s score. During my first job composing the music for Punch-Out!!, I originally wrote the Fight Theme with bloops instead of bleeps. What a fool I was back then.

Of course, the nuances of when to bleep and when to bloop could not be completely explained in one column, but I hope my thoughts here have increased your awareness about the differences between the two. And don’t even get me started on when to Blip. It would take me at least three more columns to explain that.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

We Rank All the Riffs You Flubbed in Front of Rebecca Last Night

Posted on September 21, 2019 by Alex Salcido

Dude, you KILLED it last night. And by ‘it,’ I don’t mean all those overly complicated solos and riffs you attempted on stage. I am of course referring to you killing any shot you had with your high school crush Rebecca. I know you didn’t see her but she’s back in town after all these years and she came out to see your band last night. She left during your set but she saw and heard EVERYTHING.

So let’s rank all the riffs you flubbed in front of her on a scale of “well that’s not too bad” to “why did you think this hobby would impress girls?”

5. Song: Drawn In The Sand
This really wasn’t so bad. It’s a brand new tune and you missed a chord change in the bridge. Not a giant flub. Rebecca obviously never heard it before, although I’m pretty sure she knows chords in a pop punk song aren’t supposed to be dissonant so she probably still knows you fucked up.

4. Song: Keep In Mind
I admit this wasn’t your fault. Craig was drunk as fuck rocking out and accidentally slammed his bass into your head during the solo. I doubt the solo hurt your chances with Rebecca but I’m also confident that it didn’t help.

3. Song: Null And Void
Dude, if you’re gonna play one of your older songs you gotta practice extra. No excuses here, this one was just sloppy. Almost as sloppy as me watching this unfold while standing next to Rebecca. Don’t worry though, I distracted her with drinks and good conversation so after a while she didn’t even notice you were up there.

2. Song: Bail Bonds
I wasn’t paying attention to this one, sorry. You might have actually done a great job for all I know. But did you know that Rebecca spent time in the Peace Corps?! She’s actually done a lot of cool stuff since she’s been gone.

1. Song: Lose My Way Again
Hey dude. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this but Rebecca and I left together during this song. Also, we’re getting married. Is your band available to play the wedding?

Priest Tells Dave Grohl He Doesn’t Need to Begin Every Confessional That Way

Posted on September 21, 2019 by Patrick Crooks

LOS ANGELES — Father Michael Kelly of St. Mark’s Parish asked Dave Grohl yesterday to stop beginning his confessional by screaming, “I have a confession to make!” at the top of his lungs, confirmed distracted sources who just wanted some peace and quiet.

“The sacrament of confession is a solemn time for reflection and seeking forgiveness. And as much as I try to be a bit more open minded than other Catholic priests, we simply can’t have a guy coming in here and screaming his head off,” noted the young pastor, known amongst his flock as Father Mike. “I grew up listening to Nirvana and Foo Fighters, so I love Dave Grohl. That being said, I have a responsibility to observe the guidelines set forth by the Vatican, and I told Dave that, moving forward, he should just use the standard confession opening.”

The priest’s annoyance with Grohl’s bellowing has reportedly interfered with Kelly’s ability to connect with other parishioners.

“Yeah, something’s seemed up with Father Mike lately — he hasn’t been his normal, cheerful self. I saw him putting his acoustic guitar in the closet… and he said he’s starting to believe musicians might actually be tools of the devil,” remarked church regular Mary Connors. “Then this morning, he asked me to let him know if Grohl pulled into the parking lot. He used to be so excited for his visits, but now, he just mutters under his breath and shakes his head whenever [Grohl] comes in.”

For his part, Grohl is seemingly blissfully unaware of any problems with his confession lead-ins.

“I know Father Mike appreciates my little joke to make confession a less depressing process,” said the rock legend. “Even though he keeps telling me I don’t have to do it anymore, and that it’s a huge distraction to the other church guests, and that he doesn’t want to have to blacklist me but he will, I still think he enjoys it. My guess is some of the stuffier types in the Diocese probably told him to talk to me.”

At press time, Grohl’s driver was sitting in traffic on his way to pick the singer up, dreadfully anticipating the “Everlong” lyric with which he’d inevitably be greeted.

Facebook Unveils New Plan for Connecting Users With Their Dearest and Closest Ads

Posted on September 20, 2019 by Edgar Towner

MENLO PARK, Calif. — The latest update to Facebook’s algorithm will reorganize users’ news feeds to show more posts from the advertisers nearest to their hearts, the social media giant announced today.

“Millions of Facebook users told us that their news feeds are clogged with posts from close friends and family that they simply don’t care about. Today, we’re changing that,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg in a press conference. “Now it will be easier than ever for users to spend quality time with the targeted advertisements they treasure most: those boring pictures of your friend’s newborn baby will no longer hold you back from engaging with our trusted business partners — like the fine people at Draft Stars, whose content promises be more monetizable than ever.”

“We want to make your experience on Facebook more meaningful,” Zuckerberg continued. “In tumultuous times like these, it’s more important than ever for people to stop scrolling and start consuming.”

Advertisers across the world applauded Zuckerberg’s announcement, with many commenting that they’d hoped for these changes for years.

“Finally!” said Whitney Reed, an advertising executive for AT&T. “We here at AT&T want our customers to know how important they are to us, and that’s why we’re excited that Facebook has given us a new way of inserting ourselves into every waking moment of their users’ lives. At last, we’re reaching our clients in the way we were meant to: by constantly interrupting videos they never meant to watch in the first place!”

While some among the general public did not share Reed’s enthusiasm, many Facebook users spoke out in support of the social media platform’s new direction.

“I’m sick of my friends and family dominating my online experience,” said Facebook user Tyler VanTuck. “Every time I log on, it’s always, ‘Get dinner with me’ this and ‘I miss you, please call me’ that. It’s exhausting! I tried to get away from it by joining Facebook groups with people who share my interests, but even there, people were still trying to forge genuine, heartfelt connections with other human beings. Yuck. So I’m glad Facebook is fixing things.”

“From now on, all I want to see are commercials for stuff I could swear I was just talking about a minute ago,” VanTuck added. “Like Mountain Dew. Did you know there’s a new flavor? Dope.”

At press time, Mark Zuckerberg was seen rewarding his overjoyed investors with flash drives containing detailed financial profiles of every living American.

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