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Slimy Clump of Strawberries on Bottom of Yogurt Local Man’s Only Source of Fruit

BOSTON — Local man, and person with little to no concern for his physical well-being, Travis Ligresti was spotted eating his fifth fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt cup this week, allegedly serving as his only source of fruit since moving out of his parents’ house four years ago.

“I don’t get much time on my lunch break, so these yogurts are just super quick to eat and pretty cheap, too,” Ligresti said, while spooning the slimy blob of strawberries at the bottom of his Chobani yogurt cup into the rest of the yogurt. “You just peel back that aluminum top thing, blend in the weird little pool of yogurt water at the top and mix away. Simple as that, and bam — all four of the food groups in one little cup.”

Friends of the nutritionally-imbalanced young man are concerned for Ligresti, however, based mostly on his “dead body-looking” complexion and generally poor immune system function.

“I really love how much Trav loves those little yogurts… but no grown human should live like this by choice. It’s not like he doesn’t have access to huge bowls of real fruit all day in the breakroom at his job,” said long-time friend and former bandmate Chelsea-Lynn Brooks. “I’m not saying I’m hot shit or anything — I mean, most of my food is either bread or cheese, or some combination of those things, so no judgment — but I don’t think french fries actually count as vegetables. And three peanut toffee buzz Clif Bars can’t be all it takes to meet one’s recommended protein requirement for the day.”

“I’m not sure if scurvy is still a thing, but if it is, then I’m pretty sure he’s got it,” she added.

Despite the desperate pleas from those closest to him, Ligresti stands by his dietary choices.

“Listen, sorry I’m not Lance Armstrong or whatever, but some of us real folks don’t have personal chefs to make us healthy shit all day,” Ligresti explained. “I’m a regular guy, and I order the majority of my meals to be delivered to my door through an app on my phone five to eight times a week, just like everyone else. Plus, when I do go grocery shopping, I always get the Amy’s brand, not that poison Kraft garbage.”

At press time, Ligresti ordered a frozen pina colada at happy hour, but asked the bartender to skip the pineapple as to not “overdo it on the sugar.”