Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Man Unsure What To Do With Single Drumstick He Caught

Posted on September 25, 2019 by Gary Doyle

DUBLIN — A local man excitedly caught a single drumstick last night at a Psychic Lizard show, and now reportedly has no idea what to actually do with it.

“I never realized how easy it was to get caught up in a crowd,” confessed concert goer and drumstick owner Michael McCarthy. “But as soon as the drummer walked to the side of the stage and mimed throwing his sticks, I lost my shit. I’ve never wanted something more in my life — it was like I was trying to catch the bouquet at a wedding. Honestly, he could have been throwing his used retainer and I would’ve punched someone for it.”

As soon as someone caught the stick, however, the reality quickly dawned on the show’s attendees just how pointless the whole activity was.

“We all cheered for him when he caught it. Dude looked fucking delighted,” mused bartender Shaun Brown. “But like, a minute later, the music started back up, and he looked like an absolute moron — there’s just no graceful way to hold onto something like that.”

“Him pretending that he was an orchestra conductor with the stick was bad enough,” Brown added, “but the worst was when he forgot he was holding it while putting on his jacket and it got caught in the sleeve. Poor bastard just struggled for minutes without anyone helping him.”

For his part, Psychic Lizard drummer James Lawlor confirmed he didn’t really have a plan when tossing the stick.

“Really, I just wanted the attention,” confessed Lawlor. “I’m sick of being ignored at the back of the stage. I knew there was no chance of me doing that thing where you toss your sticks in the air, catch them and keep playing, so I thought this was the next best thing. People always go crazy when our guitarist tosses his picks. I figured I’d just steal his thunder.”

“I forgot I didn’t have any spares, but I don’t think anyone actually noticed,” he added.

At press time, friends of McCarthy were seen avoiding him during his pathetic Def Leppard impression.

Photo by Rob Steinberg.

Oregano Pawned Off as CBD Oil to Middle School Kids

Posted on September 25, 2019 by Mark Roebuck

CHESANING, Mich. — A sandwich bag containing approximately four grams of oregano was successfully sold to a group of middle school kids under the pretense that it was actually CBD oil, sources not sure if they’re feeling it yet confirmed.

“Oh, man! I can’t wait to ride bikes over to Jeff’s house and put this shit on my knee,” said student Connor Alstott, referring to an injury obtained during a game of pickup basketball over the summer. “I’m so glad I bumped into Winnie Schott’s older sister smoking cigarettes at the park. She really hooked us up for $20! I guess it’s not actually an oil, though. Who knew?”

After procuring the fraudulent CBD oil, Alstott reportedly invited several of his friends to join him in using it over a group chat, saying it was the perfect way to end their waning summer vacation.

“Dude, let’s use it to cure some of our anxiety about school starting again!” said Winston LaPierre, who, along with his friends, were well into the first weeks of seventh grade. “I’ve been starting to get acne, too — let’s see if we can’t use the CBD oil to cure it up. God, it’s so cool you got your hands on this shit.”

After gathering at a friend’s house and taking turns applying the oregano to various spots of their bodies, several reported feeling its effects nearly immediately.

“Oh, man… I can feel it working,” said Winnie Schott, shortly after covering her face with oregano to decrease her risk of contracting cancer. “I can feel it! Oh, man, I’m so high, you guys. I hope my mom doesn’t smell it on me when I get home!”

When asked for comment, Winnie’s sister Dani Dyer laughed, claiming this had been a lucrative summer — more so than last year, when she was employed part-time at Burger King.

“Those idiots,” said older sister and admitted “piece of shit” Dani, smoking another cigarette at the park. “If it’s not oregano or pencil shavings, it’s been selling them Hostess cupcakes and telling them they’re edibles. I don’t even unwrap them first. God, I hope this school year never ends.”

Photo by Jon Wood.

‘Breaking Bad’ Movie to Pick Up Right Where College Boyfriend’s Description of Show Left Off

Posted on September 25, 2019 by Zach Raffio

CROTON-ON-HUDSON, N.Y. — Netflix just dropped the first full-length trailer for El Camino: A Breaking Bad Movie, a sequel film to AMC’s Emmy-winning series that is set to pick up exactly where your college boyfriend Evan Burney’s constant, unwarranted recaps of the show left off, sources have confirmed.

“OK so Jesse was driving away from the Nazi camp after being held hostage for like a few weeks, maybe a few months, I don’t think they said,” noted Burney, whom you haven’t spoken to after breaking up Junior year. “So the movie probably starts like right after that and shows us where he went, which is kind of crazy,” he added, without addressing why it was crazy.

Devin Jacobs, Burney’s college roommate who you spent countless hours with during your time at SUNY Purchase, had more details to share on the film.

“I think Mike’s back,” he said after watching the trailer which explicitly states that Mike is back. “You’re gonna really like Mike, he’s sick. I also hear the actors who play Skinny Pete and Badger are coming back. It’s gonna be weird ‘cause it’s been years since the show ended, but the movie picks up right after,” he was sure to note.

The young men’s insider info led other fans to share their own exciting takes.

“I think they’re showing it in theaters for a few days, but I’m just gonna watch it on Netflix,” stated your older brother Tim, who’s most profound personality trait is that he had watched Breaking Bad since it’s second season. “This might be a scorching hot take, but I actually think Better Call Saul is even better. Well, the highs aren’t as high, but it’s more consistent.”

Still, expectations for the anticipated followup are tempered at best.

“I just don’t know if it’s gonna be good,” noted Burney’s current roommate, Steven Collask. “Like, I just don’t know if they’re gonna do it right. I hope they do a good job, but nothing will beat that part in season four when—” he began, rambling about Gus Fring’s death for 45 minutes.

At press time, representatives for Netflix refused to comment on whether or not they are working on another prequel movie based exclusively on your college boyfriend’s descriptions of how badass Tuco Salamanca is.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

I Don’t Want to Be Rich, I Just Want to Be Comfortable Enough to Be Invited to One of Those ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ Sex Parties

Posted on September 25, 2019 by Dan Kozuh

I’m a simple man that likes the simple things in life. I like rare steak, cold beer, and fishing on Sundays. Unlike some of the more greedy people in this world – I don’t want to be a billionaire, I just want to pay off my mortgage, send my kids to college, and get invited to one of those ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ sex parties.

I’m not stupid, I’m sure one has to be pretty well-off to get invited to a fancy New York penthouse and have sex with a group of beautiful strangers. How much do you think a guy has to pull down to get an invite like that? 100k a year? 200k? I own my own inground pool installation company, so I am not struggling.

I don’t even know how to go about finding these parties. Do you just start getting invitations once you’re making enough money, like platinum credit card applications? Look, I’m the son of a farmer and a homemaker, I don’t know how these things work. But trust me, I’m not an ignorant country boy.

Are these orgies like pot-lucks? Do we change whose house it is at every month? Because I have a fridge in the garage full of Coors and pizza bites in the freezer. I can be ready to host at a moment’s notice. I should probably put a tarp down, that rug is an heirloom from my great-grandmother.

I see on the TV these billionaires going to jail because they just don’t know when to stop – no amount of money is ever enough. But not me. All I want is to be able to dress like a glittery Phantom of the Opera while nailing some anonymous chick in a robe and mask. Like I said, I’m a simple man.

Shoot, do you think I have to buy my disguise or can I just rent it somewhere and have it cleaned?

America Votes to Kick

Posted on September 25, 2019 by Mark Roebuck

WASHINGTON — The PvP squad known as the United States of America, or [USA] for short, has initiated a vote to potentially boot their leader out of the group.

“Ugh, this is ridiculous,” said one squad member Aaron Martinez, aka Small_Bizness_Owner420. “This guy has led us nowhere and keeps swearing he knows where the good loot is. Can we kick this idiot or what? I’ve been screaming about this forever and while I’m glad we’re finally talking about it, this guy was clearly a clown from the first match. What will our children think when they see the squad we’ve been playing in?”

The road leading to the vote to kick has been a tumultuous one, with prominent squad member _FEERLESS_LEADER_ reportedly reluctant to use her power to declare the vote.

“I don’t like his strategies, but is that a bootable offense?” she said via voice chat. “I don’t want to waste our squad’s time with a vote unless I’m pretty sure we’re on the same page. Then again, a lot of party members are threatening to join a Canadian guild if we don’t do anything, so I think my hands are really tied here.”

Fearing a mutiny, the long demanded vote was announced yesterday, much to the relief of roughly half of the squad’s members.

“It’s about damn time,” said another member of the group. “Any of us could do a better job leading this squad. Literally anyone. But I see where that alone can be tricky grounds to replace someone. What about all those racist tirades he screamed into the microphone, though? He’s been doing that for years, doesn’t that break any rules? Oh well, I just hope my vote counts and there’s not another glitch or whatever happened when we accidentally put this asshole in charge in the first place.”

The vote is scheduled to take place as soon as everyone in the country is able to log in at the same time.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Crust Punk Dead After Being Forced to Ride in Overhead Compartment

Posted on September 25, 2019 by The Hard Times Staff

CHICAGO — A beloved crust punk belonging to the Donovan family died last night on a United Airlines flight from San Francisco to Chicago after the flight crew insisted he be stowed in the overhead compartment so as to not bother the other passengers.

“This is clearly a great tragedy… which is ironic, given that the deceased had a large Tragedy back patch on his jacket at the time of his death,” said Donovan family lawyer Marco Salvez. “Troy Donovan — or as he was known by friends, Pussrat — was a bright and vibrant young man who loved finding discarded bags of chips in dumpsters and finishing half-smoked cigarettes found in ashtrays. His loved ones always expected him to die in the streets with dignity… not stuffed away like luggage.”

Donovan had been travelling with his mother and father to visit family in Chicago when a flight attendant asked that he be safely stowed up overhead and not under the seat, as is standard practice for flying crust punks.

“We are deeply sorry for this accident, and are working closely with the Donovan family to reach a resolution,” said United Airlines spokesperson Mike Sarno. “We recently announced a collaboration with Havoc Records to make a significant improvement in the health and well-being of crust punk passengers. Despite the fact that crust punks are bothersome, take forever in a TSA line, and try to steal complimentary refreshments on every flight, we still need to treat them like humans. And from now on, we will try our best.”

Some consumers are already questioning if they will fly with the carrier again.

“My daughter is a crust punk, and to see how they treated that young man is terrifying,” said Debbie Evans, a Senior Vice President with Deutsche Bank. “Sure, my daughter doesn’t call me anymore because I am a ‘tyrant,’ and yeah, she got ‘FUCK LIFE’ tattooed on her forehead, but this is all just a phase. Soon she will settle down with a nice young man and start a family… as long as she doesn’t fly on United.”

United is expected to settle with the Donovan family in the coming weeks. Industry insiders project the payout to be calculated using the crust punks’ projected lifetime earnings, which would equal out to be roughly $39.

“They Can’t Impeach a Dead Man!” Cackles Trump Before Tossing Life-like Mannequin Off Bridge

Posted on September 24, 2019 by Dan Rice

WASHINGTON — President Trump threw a life-like dummy of himself moments ago off a bridge onto sharp rocks below to seemingly avoid being impeached for the second time in his one-term presidency, witnesses confirmed.

“They want a witch hunt, do they? Well, watch me fly. The dead tell no secrets,” said the unhinged Commander-in-Chief as he hurled the 145-pound replica into the air. “Everyone will miss me when I’m gone, they will. This was a perfect throw off the bridge, and the plan is airtight — and believe me folks, I know airtight. They will probably rename this bridge ‘Trump Bridge’ and people from all over the world will come here and cry so hard the whole city will flood.”

Onlookers saw the President laughing maniacally as he dragged the mannequin to the ledge before sending it airborne.

“When he popped the trunk of his car and put the dummy on the ground, he started doing this weird dance and kept mumbling about his ‘100 percent approval rating,’” said witness Carrie Long. “After he tossed it, he started spinning around with his arms outstretched, just staring at the sky. There was a brief moment where he stopped and we locked eyes… and it was the most terrifying moment of my life. There was no soul behind those pale, puffy eyelids.”

As of press time, Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. were seen wailing hysterically as they descended the sheer cliff in hopes of recovering what they believed to be their father’s corpse.

Vegan Punk Wearing Fruit Leather Jacket

Posted on September 24, 2019 by Danny Taverner

BERKELEY, Calif. — Vegan punk Angela Birge debuted yesterday her custom, “completely badass” fruit leather jacket, impressing attendees at a local farmers’ market.

“I felt like I wasn’t doing enough for the cause,” said Birge while reattaching one of her sleeves with locally sourced agave nectar. “People think vegan leather is good enough, but they don’t think about the petroleum used to manufacture it — petroleum made possible by the death of millions of living creatures over time. Just because dinosaurs are dead doesn’t make it O.K. to use their liquid carcasses.”

Despite the jacket being entirely plant based, it has been met with some backlash. Allegedly, since donning the jacket, Birge has been followed by a small pack of raccoons making several attempts to nibble on her sleeves.

Even those who support Birge’s efforts have noted several downsides to her new ensemble.

“It’s a great jacket… until it gets too humid outside and the whole thing starts to droop,” said friend Roy Huerta. “Not to mention how sticky she always is — she’s walking flypaper now. I think at this point, it’s more lint and hair than jacket. I mean, look, she’s got 37 cents stuck to her left shoulder. And earlier, the tablecloth at the kettle corn stand got stuck to her and she ended up pulling all the merchandise into the dirt.”

The jacket was designed and developed by Quintilio Folliero, who sourced the fruit from his family’s wine estate. For the past four years, he has been working on technology to create cruelty-free fabrics and articles of clothing.

“This jacket is my pride and joy,” claimed Folliero. “I tried so many other materials: mud, tree bark, potatoes in every form… dried fruit is the only substance with the durability and color to create a piece like this. Plus, it smells terrific.”

“This is the future,” he added. “And I don’t just mean jackets: I’m working on shoes, curtains, and even bed linens made entirely of fruit leather.”

Folliero currently offers his jackets in mixed berry, apple, and grape.

Alfonso Cuarón Announces Roma Pinball Machine

Posted on September 24, 2019 by Connor McGarry

LONDON — At a surprise press conference this morning, acclaimed filmmaker Alfonso Cuarón announced his newest project: a pinball machine based on his 2018 film Roma.

“This is an extremely exciting project, and a dream of mine for a few years now,” the five-time Academy Award-winning director told the press. “Pinball is an underutilized artistic medium. There is much in pinball that reflects the experiences I had growing up in Mexico City, as well as ways in which the game represents motherhood and the struggles of living in poverty. I think it is the perfect medium for exploring the complex themes of my work, perhaps even more so than cinema.”

Cuarón then unveiled a few early sketches for the machine.

“While pinball is typically a game characterized by flashing lights, bright colors, and a cacophony of sounds, I hope to achieve a more subdued, introspective pinball experience with this new machine. Just as Roma was shot in black and white, this pinball machine shall also operate entirely in black and white. I think this should provide a highly stylized pinball experience, with artistry that matches my award-winning cinematography.”

Cuarón emphasized the nature of the pinball itself as representing the film’s central character Cleo. To score points, players will hit pinball targets representing the piles of dog excrement that Cleo is seen repeatedly cleaning throughout the film. The sketches also depicted a ramp, meant to reflect Cleo’s perilous rescue of the drowning children towards the end of the film.

“One of the most exciting features is the multi-ball mode, which we based on the riot scene. A brutal depiction of the violence and chaos that ensues during a shooting on the streets and a furniture store, having to handle multiple balls at once will definitely make players feel like they’re in the midst of the confusion that leaves dozens dead.”

Cuarón hopes to have a version of the pinball machine ready for play soon.

“I still need to figure out how to give losing a pinball the same emotional impact as witnessing the protagonist’s stillbirth. But once I get that sorted, this thing’s gonna be ready for bars across the world.”

As of press time, the Academy of Pinball Arts and Sciences announced that Cuarón’s Roma pinball machine will be eligible for awards despite being created by Netflix, much to the chagrin of various pinball-enthusiasts.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Gift Card to Wrong Movie Theater Makes Third Move to New Wallet

Posted on September 24, 2019 by The Hard Times Staff

PACIFICA, Calif. — A Regal Cinemas gift card was transferred last night to a third wallet without once being used despite still carrying a $50 value, sources hoping to one day visit a Regal location confirmed.

“There’s an AMC theater here in town, and I go there about three or four times a month — I’ve even asked them if they’d honor the Regal card, just for shits and giggles, and the girl in the booth had to call a manager,” said cardholder Omar Lynden. “If I’m being honest, I’m not sure how I’d feel without this thing around. It was in my wallet when I met my Sarah, and it was there when she broke up with me years later. It’s my one constant in life, I guess.”

The card, gifted to Lynden by his mother during the Obama administration, has been used to pick food out of teeth, fix a rocking table at a restaurant, and as a cocaine division and delivery system — but never once in exchange for goods and services.

“It’s not like I go out of my way to keep from spending it… I almost used it when I went to LA a few months back. I went to see a movie there, and when the previews started rolling and it was some rollercoaster graphics on the screen, I realized I could’ve used the card,” said Lynden. “It was a real boner move. I nudged the guy next to me and tried to explain why I was laughing, but he just told me to shut up.”

Consumer expert Terry O’Shea claimed retailers prefer that gift cards go unused and forgotten.

“The vendors already have the money — it helps their bottom line if you never come in and use it to buy merchandise,” said O’Shea. “In the case of Mr. Lynden, it was just an unfortunate mistake on the part of the generous gift giver. The oldest example of this dates back to an unused $5 Gimbel’s gift certificate from 1918 that went unused because the nearest department store to the man holding the voucher was a Sears. So, this is a tale as old as mass consumerism.”

The gift card is expected to be joined in the new wallet by a MetroCard with a remaining value of 35 cents, a Canadian $5 bill, and 10-year-old condom.

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