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Jeans Accidentally Cut-Off Vertically

TEMPE, Ariz. — Local idiot Eli Burkhardt made a fool of himself today by accidentally cutting off his jeans vertically, leaving the back of his legs and rear end completely exposed while loose strips of denim barely covered the rest of his lower body.

“It’s been hot as balls here, and I needed to do something in order to beat the heat. My friend Dan [Guerrero] told me I should make my pants into cutoffs because it would help with all the sweat on the back of my knees,” said the dullard. “He was absolutely right. I’ve never felt more free and cool in my life. You don’t realize how restrictive long pants can be until you tailor them for your own comfort.”

However, Guerrero insisted he did not direct his friend to modify his pants this way.

“We were in my basement smoking, and I said he ‘must be hot as hell in pants,’ and that I can give him some scissors to make cutoffs, and he was on board with the idea,” said Guerrero. “He went to my upstairs bathroom and came back down with just… these like, front flaps of his jeans flowing in front of him, like denim tassels or something. You could tell he seemed so proud of himself — he said I was a genius, and that he’s going to go straight home and do this to all his pants. Frankly, I don’t know if it’s my duty as a friend to stop him, or if it’s my duty as a friend to let this happen and then roast him later.”

Those close to Burkhardt reported this is not the first time he misunderstood a simple task and ruined his personal property.

“A few years back, he bought a new baseball glove, and heard the best way to break it in was to park your car on top it. He thought it would be faster if he put his glove in the road and let a bunch of cars run over it,” said former roommate Jake Ross. “Well, after about an hour, the glove was completely destroyed and then some birds took off with most of it. All that was left was the thumb… and he still played an entire softball game with just that on.”

At press time, Burkhardt was being treated for minor burns on the back of his thighs after sitting on a hot bus stop bench.