How to Convince Your Meat Eater Friend to Try Meatless Monday And, Eventually, Swinging

Posted on by Dan Rice

If you’re friends with a carnivore there’s a good chance that you’ve been accused of being preachy. You probably can’t even get together for a movie without them saying something like “don’t push your agenda on me” or “my body needs meat” or “stop trying to recruit me for your sex coven.”

This dynamic can be frustrating. You know how good it would be for your friend’s health, their happiness, and the environment if they just gave up meat once a week or tried opening up their marriage a little. That’s why we’ve put together a list of helpful tips for convincing the omnivore in your life to give meatless Monday a try, and eventually shed their antiquated monogamist inhibitions.

1. Show them videos of the meat industries mistreatment of animals, but first show them a clip from one of your parties and then be like “whoops, wrong video!”
Nothing wrong with making an “honest” mistake when it comes to educating your friends about animal cruelty or carnal pleasure. Giving your friends an unflinching look at the suffering caused by the meat industry could convince them to become part of the solution. And, just maybe, a brief glance at your full spectrum sexual escapades will convince them of just how fun “the lifestyle” can be.

2. Introduce them to Vegetable Curry while showing off some tasteful near nudes of your attractive spouse.
A lot of meat eaters truly don’t realize just how delicious vegetarian meals can be. A flavorful Thai or Indian style vegetarian curry dish could be just the thing to win them over and convince them they don’t need meat every day. At the very least it will put them in a relaxed mood where they will be more open to suggestion and possibility where sex is concerned.

3. Point out the health benefits of consuming less meat, followed with “Not that you need it, you’re in great shape, and my partner also thinks you’re in great shape.”
You want your friend to know that a vegetable based diet is healthier, but you also want them to know that you’ve both noticed how much they must work out.

4. Burn a sigil
Perhaps our great lord Satan can help bring your friend into the fold. Burn a pagan symbol during the act of love making to focus your intent.

5. Give up on the whole “meatless Monday” part
Look, vegetarianism isn’t for everyone. If your friend wants to keep eating meat 7 days a week then maybe that’s their business. The only meat you want on your menu is them. Cut your losses and double down on the sex stuff. It’s important to accept people for who they are! Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person and say “I’m sorry for pushing my beliefs on you, here’s a big bacon cheeseburger full of club drugs.”

Exhausted Sakurai Announces Mario Coming to Smash Bros

Posted on by Chris Lawrence

TOKYO — Nintendo fans were left scratching their heads this morning following a surprise livestream where visibly exhausted Super Smash Bros. director Masahiro Sakurai announced that Mario, a veteran playable fighter who has been in the series since its 1999 debut, would be joining Super Smash Bros. Ultimate as paid DLC.

Sakurai, who in the video delivers the news seated at his desk surrounded by discarded coffee cups, empty saline bags, and a bedpan so that he would need fewer hospital breaks, initially appears unaware that anything is amiss.

“We know fans have been asking for all four Mario Brothers to join the fight for a long time now,” says Sakurai in the video, still managing a sheepish smile despite his eyes repeatedly closing due to fatigue. “Today, we are pleased to announce that at long last we are bringing this reunion to fruition.”

Sakurai, apparently working without a script, next picks up a GameCube controller while mistakenly attributing Mario’s debut appearance to 1992’s Super Mario Kart. At roughly the four-minute mark, Sakurai appears to notice that Mario’s portrait is now shown on the character select screen twice.

After realizing his mistake, Sakurai is then seen counting on shaking fingers. “Wait, so there should be four Mario brothers, right? Mario, Luigi, Wario… what’s the other one? I’m so tired…” he mumbles, before getting further confused after noticing Dr. Mario on the character select screen as well.

At this point, Sakurai appears to faint, slipping from his chair and falling out of view of the camera. The feed then cuts to Nintedo of America President Doug Bowser, who says nothing for forty-five seconds, before the broadcast abruptly ends.

As of press time, there has been no statement from Nintendo about the supposed DLC character, however most fans agreed that they would be happy with a second Mario as long as his down-B wasn’t still somehow from Super Mario Sunshine.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Scene Veteran Denied Free Denny’s Grand Slam

Posted on by Cory Cousins

RICHMOND, Va. — Local punk and self-proclaimed scene veteran Rory “Iceman” Phillips was denied a free Grand Slam at Denny’s this morning, a perk the establishment offers to all military veterans in honor of Veteran’s Day.

“This is such bullshit. It’s a sad state of affairs when a loyal scene veteran such as myself is denied the benefits so many other veterans enjoy routinely in this country,” bemoaned Phillips. “First they deny me the 10% discount at Home Depot, and now this? I earned these vest patches with blood, sweat, and the discipline to not fall into the merch table after doing shots the whole night. Where’s my parade?!”

Denny’s employees recounted the disruption.

“I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, to be honest,” offered Denny’s server, Brandy Hobbs. “He kept going off about all the ‘crazy-ass shows’ he’s been to over the years, as if it was the same danger a soldier faces in combat. He even bragged about his hearing damage from standing right next to a PA system once. I just can’t with this guy. Nuttier than a squirrel turd, if you ask me.”

Sensing that Denny’s would not give him the complimentary breakfast, Phillips instead pleaded his case to fellow Denny’s patrons as they attempted to enjoy their meals.

“You ever been trapped in a circle pit for 45 minutes straight without any means of escape to get more beer? Didn’t think so!” barked Phillips. “I’m at the show from opener to headliner every weekend — I hand out fliers, I buy merch, I wait to take a dump when I get home so I don’t clog up the venue toilet. Call it sacrifice, loyalty, an overwhelming sense of duty… take your pick. For your tomorrow, I gave my today, ever since I was 13 and my older brother Donny started bringing me to shows! Think about that when you dive into your Moons Over My Hammy!”

Following the bedraggled denim vest-wearing scenester’s outburst, the Denny’s manager felt he had no choice but to throw the man out, warning that Phillips’ antics would not be tolerated at his family restaurant and to “take that shit over to IHOP.”

Guitarist Can’t Decide Which Nearly Identical Photo of Him on Stage Should Be Profile Pic

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

NEW ORLEANS — Local guitarist Ryan Alarid is struggling to pick between two nearly identical, virtually indistinguishable photos of himself on stage for his Tinder profile pic, annoyed bandmates confirmed.

“Without a doubt the best — nay, the only — good part about being in a band is getting cool photos of yourself playing live music… and using said photos for dating profiles, social media accounts, and, God-willing, someday your obituary,” said Alarid. “So what if I’m a little picky about how I look? Everyone knows image is very important in music. As far as I’m concerned, worrying about composition and white balance more than how your music sounds is pretty punk rock, actually.”

Bandmate Alex Bednar noted that Alarid’s vain obsession has disrupted several gigs in the past, as well as most weekly band practices.

“Last Wednesday he showed us two photos of himself, playing the same song, using the same guitar, wearing the same shirt, and making nearly the exact same dopey solo face. I honestly thought it was one of those ‘spot the difference’ games at first,” said Bednar. “He’s so obsessed with looks, he won’t even let other bandmates take photos for their personal social media accounts without his approval. One time he handed out several pages of what we thought were lyrics, but it was actually a list of Instagram filters we were allowed to use.”

Alarid’s friend Janey Herzog had reportedly been designated the band’s photographer against her will, with strict orders to focus primarily on Alarid.

“According to Ryan, being band photographer means I have to follow him around and snap photos of him playing guitar, holding a puppy, chopping wood, or really anything assuming the lighting is ‘just right,’” said Herzog. “Once, he made me go with him to the venue they were playing six hours before showtime because he wanted to do a photoshoot during ‘golden hour.’ I kept trying to tell him there’s no golden hour in a windowless basement venue, but he wasn’t having it.”

At press time, Alarid was enthusiastically responding to nearly identical messages from Instagram spam bots.

Bar Dress Code Prohibits Jeans, Jerseys, and Sickle Cells

Posted on by Johnny Mo

BOSTON — Owners of popular local bar Toolie’s are under heavy scrutiny today after unveiling a dress code slammed as discriminatory against patrons with irregular hemoglobin, anemic sources softly confirmed.

“At Toolie’s, we pride ourselves on the air of class we’ve cultivated — and frankly, I’m offended that people are offended,” said bar owner Tommy Boyle, Jr. “My team and I tirelessly gathered indisputable anecdotal evidence over a period of two incidents, designing a dress code that fosters the kind of environment that makes anyone with a ‘damaged chromosome’ — or ‘darky,’ for short — feel highly unwelcome. How is that discriminatory?”

Quick to defend Toolie’s, furious local barflies colloquially known as “Bostonians” praised the dress code as a necessary tool to weed out clientele that may make the space feel unsafe for regulars.

“Hell yeah, we’ve had problems with undesirable types,” bar regular Orin Monaghan yelled into a toilet between dry heaves. “I don’t really pay attention to their slang, but you know the types: always saying ‘ill’ this and ‘ill’ that, or ‘my boy is chronically ill.’ Those chronically ill types, is what I’m sayin’.”

“They come here and loiter, pass out, or get sick,” he added. “And, look — I’m a reasonable guy. I know they can’t help being born weak and tired from havin’ goofy blood. But that kind of sloppy behavior has no place in a Boston area bar and grill.”.

Despite a thorough internal investigation led by stakeholder Tommy Boyle Sr. that cleared the bar of any wrongdoing, members of the public remain adamant that the bar is in violation of the Civil Rights Act of 1964.

“This thinly veiled attack is nothing we haven’t seen before, and we are tired of being told it’s all in our heads,” said community organizer Emmanuel Jennings. “They didn’t even bother with subtext. Read the rules and it’s clear as day — ‘no uppity carriers of the hemoglobin S subunit in place of beta-globin subunits in hemoglobin A.’ As a black man, I empathize with their struggle, and call on our community to rise up for those too weak to rise themselves.”

In a show of solidarity, the newly founded NAACP — National Association of Always Cold People — has organized what is on track to be a world record for the longest sit-in, largely due to their anemic protestors’ inability to physically sit up.

10 Vinyl Inspection Tips to Make It Look Like You Know What You Are Looking For

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

So, you are buying some used vinyl at your local record shop and the clerk asks if you want to inspect them before you pay. Suddenly, you are covered in a cold sweat. You don’t know what to even look for but you don’t want to look like a commoner in front of the guy you buy records from. Don’t worry, we have you covered, here are some tips for faking your way through it.

10. Hold The Record Up At Eye Level
What are you looking for? I don’t know? Warping I guess. You’ve seen other people do this, so I assume it is helpful. Use this as an opportunity to steal a glance at the clerk to see if he is judging you. He probably is.

9. Tilt The Album To Try And Catch The Light
I guess this is to see if there are any scratches. Shit, there is one! Now what? Do you say you don’t want it? Maybe it is just a scuff mark and you can wash it off? Can you wash vinyl. Fuck, you are taking to long, just put it back in its sleeve and buy it. You’re never going to actually listen to Joan Baez’s Greatest Hits anyway.

8. Test It On The Store’s Turntable
Ask to test the record on the store’s turntable, press the headphones to your ear like you are listening for something really specific, nod your head like you are agreeing to something you hear.

7. Knock OnThe Vinyl
Or is that to see if a loaf of bread is done baking? Do it anyway and see if the clerk looks impressed. He doesn’t! Stop doing it, you fool!

6. Spin It Like A Coin On The Counter
Place the record on its edge and give it a hefty spin. If it lands on the B-Side, the music is imbalanced and will affect the audio quality, probably.

5. Throw It Like A Frisbee At The Wall
Vinyl should be durable and be able to withstand an impact. If the vinyl shatters it was clearly of poor quality and you should refuse to pay for the damaged merchandise.

4. Pour Water On It
If the water funnels to the center of the record then the vinyl was properly produced. If it drains off the sides then it is broken. The opposite is true if you live in the Southern Hemisphere.

3. Drop a single hair onto the edge of the record and see if it cuts in half
Vinyl is supposed to be sharp, right?

2. Flick Your Tongue On It
Honestly, any decent oral sex advice can also be attributed to buying vinyl. Rub it in circular motions, use your fingers, apply vibrating devices.

1. Throw The Records At The Clerk and Flee
You fucked up! Just run for it and start going to a record shop in another town.

Poser Naming Favorite Hardcore Bands Slips Six Protein Bars in There Without Anyone Noticing

Posted on by Krissy Howard

HATTIESBURG, Miss. — Local poser Justin Lindsey listed several brands of protein bars last night after multiple members of the hardcore scene asked him to name some of his favorite bands, according to somewhat impressed eyewitnesses.

“Oh yeah, man. Um… Terror. Turnstile…uhh,” Lindsey stated, clearly struggling to name even three existing hardcore bands. “Man, there’s so many hardcore bands I like, I can’t even think of any! It’s like my brain is overloaded with names or something. I can hardly even narrow it down to one subgenre, let alone name even one more band, you know what I mean?”

Having quickly run out of bands he’s heard of, Lindsey was forced to think on his feet, doing whatever it took to avoid being called out by what appeared to be a suspicious crew.

“I been getting into some new Bay Area shit too, man. Um… Builder, Quest… One. Only What You Need is some killer straight edge shit, and Clif is pretty sick, too,” Lindsey explained, while looking toward a nearby Planet Fitness. “And you guys ever heard of LÄRA? I think they’re from Sweden or something — female-fronted, super screamy and shit. Fucking brutal. They might be on Bandcamp, but I don’t know. I only have their demo on cassette, which they gave to me when they stayed at my place a few weeks back.”

An eye witness recalled the “cringey, at best” display that took place before her eyes just moments ago.

“That was pretty rough to watch, but I gotta say, he powered through it like a champ. I don’t think those other guys even noticed he was naming was food and not bands,” noted local punk Jesse Taggert. “If anyone asked what one of them sounded like, he would just say something like ‘early Bane’ and they wouldn’t really push it.”

“Plus, that’s kind of a lot of protein bars to just rattle off the top of your head like that,” she added. “Dude must work out a shit-ton or work at a grocery store or something.”

At press time, Lindsey and those questioning him had formed a hardcore band of their own, with the names Vega, COMBATCRUNCH, and xChocolatexSaltedxCaramelxPurexProteinx among the top names the group is considering.

JRPG Fan Accidentally Gets Too Jacked After Weeks of Grinding in Ring Fit

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

SAGINAW, Mich. — Avid JRPG fan Jason Thorne became the talk of the fitness world after becoming ridiculously jacked by spending countless hours grinding in Nintendo’s new exercise game, Ring Fit Adventure.

While Jason’s first play session started normally, things soon veered out of control when Thorne realized he could replay missions over and over to grind experience points, dismissing the game’s repeated pleas for him to cool down and stretch.

“Once I started figuring out how to optimize my attacks, things really clicked into place,” Thorne said, struggling to speak through the two massive pecs blocking his mouth. “For example, Squats can only hit a single target for 30 HP, but Wide Squats deal massive AoE damage. They were really hard to execute at first, but once my glutes started leveling up, I was landing crit after crit.”

According to Thorne, he was able to min-max his muscle distribution by multiclassing in arms, legs, and stomach. By constantly cycling his attack types to maximize his gains, Thorne soon became an amorphous blob of pure muscle mass. By the time he reached the game’s final boss, his arms had become so huge that he accidentally snapped the Ring-Con peripheral in half during an Overhead Press attack.

As word of Thorne’s transformation spread, bodybuilders from around the country started buying copies of Ring Fit Adventure to try and mimic his routine. While many were able to properly pull off the game’s exercises, few were able to grasp the traditional RPG mechanics.

“I have no idea how he does it,” exasperated bodybuilder Mitch Keene wondered. “I’m nailing my planks, but this Dragaux boss just keeps healing himself. I mean, come on, that’s just unfair. And I thought leg day was tough!”

Responding to popular demand, Thorne has published a full strategy guide for Ring Fit, which has already overtaken Michael Matthews’ Bigger Leaner Stronger: The Simple Science of Building the Ultimate Male Body on Amazon’s bodybuilding best sellers list.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Millennials Playing D&D Confused by Concept of Long Rest

Posted on by Jimmy Beliakoff

LINCOLN, R.I. — What was originally intended to be a raucous night of drinking, bonding, and doing silly voices was halted in its tracks when a local group of millennials decided to try out Dungeons & Dragons and came upon a concept that none of them could comprehend: the game’s “Long Rest” mechanic.

“So, I’m not sure exactly how this works, but the books are telling me that if you guys take something called a ‘Long Rest’ you can recover all of your health,” said Dungeon Master Paul Jennings with equal parts surprise and curiosity. “I guess it’s like a normal rest…but more than five hours? I know we wanted the game to somewhat fantastical, but is this too far from reality?”

This conversation was the first time the group of twenty-somethings had heard of the concept of a full eight hours of sleep, following their first major battle with a gang of highwaymen which led to a discussion of possible ways to recover their lost HP.

“I don’t know anything about this Long Rest stuff. All I know is that as a Bard, I definitely don’t have health insurance, so hiring a Cleric will be off the table,” said party member Mary Shenk. “Plus, Health Potions in this region are like fifty times more expensive than they are up north in Neverwinter,” Shenk added, followed by murmured agreements and visible frustration throughout the room.

“Personally I think this mechanic is a little farfetched,” said Michael Wojciechowski, the party’s Sorcerer. “I know this is high fantasy and such, but I can only suspend my disbelief so far. Using a Cantrip Firebolt to shoot arcane beams out of my fingertips makes sense in this context, but expecting me to go along with the idea that anyone in any reality would have enough time to just sleep for eight fucking hours is ridiculous.”

Eventually, Jennings decided to homebrew the rules a little bit to smooth the experience over, changing the mechanic to a much more realistic four hours out of sympathy for the adventurers who were just trying to make ends meet the game’s gig economy.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Lifehack Just Made Problem Worse

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

NEW YORK — Local man Conor McLaughlin took to the internet yesterday to find a low-cost, DIY hack to help him his fix an issue with his phone, which has only led to more problems with the phone, his apartment, and his perceptions of reality, according to concerned sources.

“Who the hell came up with this crap,” the 35-year-old exclaimed angrily. “This one page suggested that by hollowing out a watermelon and putting my phone in it, I could help cool it off. The psychedelic high it produced was beyond anything I’ve experienced and I’m pretty sure I heard the voice of God, but now my phone is stuck in the watermelon and I’m pretty sure it’s still fucking overheating. There’s no possible way any of this nonsense ever worked for anyone!”

Creators of the life hack responded to McLaughlin’s criticism by stating their videos are based only on their own personal experiences, noting the disclaimers indicating there are no guarantees their suggestions will work and that they hold no responsibility for any resulting fallout.

“While I’m sorry my hacks didn’t work for him, every situation is different — they can’t all be a ‘using a hand steamer and two peach pits to create a DIY hotspot’ situation, unfortunately,” said content creator Chris Morrison. “Judging by the watermelon incident, I suspect the problem may not be the phone. At the very least, it’s not that expensive to take it to the Genius bar and have them look at it, for Christ’s sake.”

McLaughlin, who was working out of a café as his neighborhood had been quarantined by the CDC following his latest lifehack attempt, was not convinced.

“I’m not calling for more regulation of the internet, but there has to be some accountability for these content creators,” McLaughlin remarked. “I surely cannot have been the first person to nearly violate the Geneva Convention by trying ‘10 Simple Solutions to Fix Your Phone in Under 20 Seconds.’”

At press time, McLaughlin was chasing his phone down the street, as spreading peanut butter on it caused it to sprout legs and attack random people.

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