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How to Convince Your Meat Eater Friend to Try Meatless Monday And, Eventually, Swinging

If you’re friends with a carnivore there’s a good chance that you’ve been accused of being preachy. You probably can’t even get together for a movie without them saying something like “don’t push your agenda on me” or “my body needs meat” or “stop trying to recruit me for your sex coven.”

This dynamic can be frustrating. You know how good it would be for your friend’s health, their happiness, and the environment if they just gave up meat once a week or tried opening up their marriage a little. That’s why we’ve put together a list of helpful tips for convincing the omnivore in your life to give meatless Monday a try, and eventually shed their antiquated monogamist inhibitions.

1. Show them videos of the meat industries mistreatment of animals, but first show them a clip from one of your parties and then be like “whoops, wrong video!”
Nothing wrong with making an “honest” mistake when it comes to educating your friends about animal cruelty or carnal pleasure. Giving your friends an unflinching look at the suffering caused by the meat industry could convince them to become part of the solution. And, just maybe, a brief glance at your full spectrum sexual escapades will convince them of just how fun “the lifestyle” can be.

2. Introduce them to Vegetable Curry while showing off some tasteful near nudes of your attractive spouse.
A lot of meat eaters truly don’t realize just how delicious vegetarian meals can be. A flavorful Thai or Indian style vegetarian curry dish could be just the thing to win them over and convince them they don’t need meat every day. At the very least it will put them in a relaxed mood where they will be more open to suggestion and possibility where sex is concerned.

3. Point out the health benefits of consuming less meat, followed with “Not that you need it, you’re in great shape, and my partner also thinks you’re in great shape.”
You want your friend to know that a vegetable based diet is healthier, but you also want them to know that you’ve both noticed how much they must work out.

4. Burn a sigil
Perhaps our great lord Satan can help bring your friend into the fold. Burn a pagan symbol during the act of love making to focus your intent.

5. Give up on the whole “meatless Monday” part
Look, vegetarianism isn’t for everyone. If your friend wants to keep eating meat 7 days a week then maybe that’s their business. The only meat you want on your menu is them. Cut your losses and double down on the sex stuff. It’s important to accept people for who they are! Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person and say “I’m sorry for pushing my beliefs on you, here’s a big bacon cheeseburger full of club drugs.”