Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Mom Running Out of Polite Euphemisms for “Free Spirit” Daughter

Posted on November 9, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

MOORESTOWN, N.J. — Local mom Jerri Donalda is running out of polite euphemisms for describing her “free-spirited” daughter Anne in the annual family newsletter, worried siblings confirmed.

“Around this time each year, Mom starts working on her corny end-of-year letter she sends to friends and relatives: she’ll usually update everyone on my kids and my career, and on our older sister, Aimee, the doctor. But for Anne? Oh, boy, it’s rough,” said sister Leanna Donalda. “Last year the best she could muster is, ‘Well, Anne marches to her own drummer, but we still love her.’ And before that it was, ‘Anne is our little wild child. Perhaps she’ll grow out of it. Fingers crossed!’ This year she might as well be honest and write, ‘In July, Anne traded Mom-Mom’s urn for an eighth of ditch weed.’”

Indeed, Jerri recently asked Anne’s older sister Aimee Donalda-Manese for advice regarding what to write about their “bohemian” family member.

“I tried to paint as rosey a picture as I could… but any conversation about Anne with Mom inevitably ends in eyerolls, loud sighs, and chest clutching,” said Donalda-Manese. “I told her that Anne is actually very creative and a really talented musician, which is true. Obviously, I didn’t mention that Anne is also in a gore-grind band called ‘Fistgasm,’ but one step at a time, I suppose.”

For her part, Anne defended herself against her mother’s assertions.

“My mom thinks my sisters are so much better than me, just because they have good jobs and families and still have all their toes,” explained Anne while desperately trying to smoke banana peels. “But the way I see it, I’ve got a couple more years of being a scumbag, then I’ll get straight and immediately become Mom’s favorite. Prodigal son-style.”

“Or I’ll just keep doing whatever the hell I want until I die in a dune buggy accident or something awesome like that,” she added.

At press time, Jerri was unable to overcome her writer’s block, reportedly considering writing about the family dog instead and not even mentioning Anne.

Actually, Dad, Running a Simpsons’ Meme Page Is a Real Job

Posted on November 9, 2019 by Dan Kozuh

The Boomer generation doesn’t seem to understand how the world works anymore. They still think you should apply for a job, get hired, and perform tasks for a capitalist overlord. My dad seems to think that even though I don’t get “paid” for my Simpsons’ Shitposting Facebook Group it isn’t a job.

So, Dad, you seem to think that content just magically appears on my page?! The 283 members of Simpsons’ ShelbyPosting visiting my page because they know they will see the high quality Reddit re-posts and at least 20% original content. But please, tell me again how this isn’t a “career.” And how the $7.20 I made in ad revenue last year isn’t “profit.”

Sure, I could go out and “pound the pavement” like you tell me everyday. Or I could spend 5 hours auto-tuning ‘Steam Ham’ to the beat of ‘All-Star’ by Smashmouth. In 30 years, which one of those tasks will have a lasting impact on the world?

I have to stay abreast of the Simpsons Meme trends at all times, much like you watch your precious stock market. Last year I missed the Chub floods while we were on vacation and I’ll be damned if I let that happen again.

Today, Mr. Plow is hot, hot, hot and if I am trying to find a way to tie it in with the current protests in Hong Kong. But please, father, how did your day at the office impact global politics? That’s why I thought.

Also, now that I’ve been banned on Twitter, 4Chan, and SomethingAwful I am having a hell of a time finding content for my own group. I think I am going to try and make Rainier Wolfcastle an icon for the Alt-Right and try and pull in some of their numbers. As you can see, this JOB keeps me very BUSY.

I have to go now, my planet needs me. LOL!

Between-Song Banter Clearly More Rehearsed Than Actual Songs

Posted on November 9, 2019 by Joe Rumrill

ITHACA, N.Y. — Audience members at last night’s show headlined by indie rock quintet Hammock and Tree all agreed that the band’s “impromptu” dialogue between songs was clearly more rehearsed than any of the band’s music.

“Everyone noticed their playing was very sloppy — there was one song where the guitarist must have stepped on the wrong pedal or something, because you couldn’t hear her at all… and at one point, I saw the bass player send a text,” said showgoer Andrew Nawrocki. “But when the music stopped, they really shined. They knew all the local bands, gave Angry Mom a shoutout, and even knew some of the guys from the Cornell basketball team — which played a big part in this three-minute long bit they did. They did their research, that’s for sure.”

Indeed, venue staff commended the band for their professionalism between songs, despite being terrible to work with at all other times.

“They showed up for load-in two hours late because they said ‘all the Taco Bells around here look like shit.’ Then, when they were backing their van in, they clipped the side of the building and did some real damage,” said promoter Tommy Legosa. “But I need to give them some credit: they were fucking funny up there. They had this one running gag between songs where they kept pretending like they were going to let the drummer talk, but then one of them would start tuning really loud. Oh — and then one of them was speaking Spanish for no reason; that busted me up. I don’t know… I guess you had to be there.”

Hammock and Tree’s roadie and de facto manager Tony Hanscome explained that the band has been experiencing an identity crisis, which led to their poor playing and extraordinary banter.

“We all moved to L.A. together a few years back, and they really gave it their all to make it as a band and get signed to a label and all that noise, but it never happened. Eventually, a couple of them took some classes at The Groundlings, and now they don’t give a shit about music — they just want to do sketches and get on SNL or something,” said Hanscome. “It was kind of fun at first, but now all they do is listen to podcasts about improv theory in the van and I want to die.”

Bar staff later noted that the band’s excuse for not being able to pay their tab also seemed very polished.

Photo by Drew Kaufman.

Partner Suspecting Punk Husband of Infidelity After Finding Second Pair of Jeans in Closet

Posted on November 8, 2019 by Doug Francisco

EWELL, Md. — Local wife Anna Schomaeker grew suspicious of her husband Zeke last week after discovering a second pair of Levi’s 501 jeans in his side of the closet, leading her to wonder if he may be cheating on her.

“I wouldn’t be too suspicious about the jeans alone,” said Schomaeker as she placed the jeans on her kitchen table. “But he’s also been brushing his teeth every day and he showered twice last week. He’s coming home at 3 a.m., and I have no idea where he’s been — which is normal — but he’s not stumbling in blackout drunk, which is odd. I’m not sure who he’s trying to impress, but these jeans don’t have a single stain or hole in the crotch. So I’m not really sure what to think.”

When Schomaeker confronted her husband about what she found, he allegedly refused to own up to the “obvious infidelity.”

“I tried to tell her it was just a big misunderstanding — that I’m just trying to get my shit together, smell better, and make sure I live to 40,” said the aging punk after a jog. “She told me she doesn’t ‘recognize the man she married anymore…’ probably because I started wearing button-ups instead of ratty band shirts I bought 15 years ago.”

According to punk marriage expert Dr. Tess Ingraham, it’s not uncommon for punk marriages to go through periods of uncertainty when spouses reach a certain age.

“When a partner starts going out of their way to be a better person, it’s only natural for the other to suspect infidelity,” she said. “In my book ‘From Oi! to Death,’ I talk about how most often it’s just a case of seeing the grim specter of mortality and trying to steer away from it. Unfortunately, buying a second pair of jeans is also exactly what any punk would do before trying to step out on their spouse.”

In an effort to rekindle their marriage, the couple is reportedly planning a recommitment ceremony in which they will renew their vows and huff a can of 2003 Sherwin-Williams spray paint in the basement where they married.

Gamer Spends Three Hours Watching Reviews for Game They Already Bought and Like

Posted on November 8, 2019 by CJ Hernandez

ORLANDO, Fla. — Local gamer Jonathan Howell reportedly spent over three hours this week watching video reviews for The Outer Worlds after already purchasing and enjoying the game, according to sources close to the matter.

“Well obviously I really love it, but I like to make sure everyone else loves it too,” Howell said. “I haven’t finished it yet, but anyone giving this game less than an 8/10 is just ignorant, and if I don’t stick up for this critically-acclaimed and massively popular game, who will?”

Howell has reportedly watched over thirty in-depth reviews detailing whether he should buy, rent, or skip the game he has already bought, played, and liked. While the critical response for The Outer Worlds has been largely positive, Howell was quick to jump to the game’s defense as soon as any hint of negativity was discovered.

“The game is a masterpiece,” Howell explained, as he typed a YouTube comment. “I think some of these reviewers don’t understand that the game’s so-called flaws are deliberate choices by the devs. I’m just helping them out by telling them that they’re fucking wrong and don’t know shit about good game design.”

Several acquaintances have alleged that Howell has misallocated his spare time by using so much of it digesting content about The Outer Worlds rather than play it.

“He hasn’t even beat it yet!” said one of Howell’s friends over Discord. “I wish he’d stop talking about the game and just play it. His whole feed is just complaining about reviews and fighting with nerds in the comments. Who cares if someone with twenty subscribers doesn’t like something?”

Howell expects to complete the game some time in the next few months, having only played the game for approximately seven hours so far.

At press time, Howell revealed he had began writing a script for his own two-hour video review, while having not launched The Outer Worlds in a week.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Report: Fewer and Fewer Americans Identifying As Christ Reborn

Posted on November 8, 2019 by Jordan Breeding

WASHINGTON — A new study released last week by the Pew Research Center suggests that nearly 12% fewer Americans identify as Christ reborn compared to even just a decade ago, which experts believe is related to general decline in spirituality across the country.

“As recently as 2008, you could reasonably assume a majority of Americans we polled would readily identify as the Horn of Salvation sent to Earth to thwart Barack Obama’s attempts to usher in the end times through his satanic reign of darkness,” explained lead researcher Marianna Bryant. “Nowadays, many of those former Christ Incarnates instead focus on fully rewatching ‘The Office’ before it leaves Netflix in 2021.”

Researchers believe increased secularism can be partially attributed to Americans’ progressively busy lifestyles — often leaving less time to dedicate to the creation of elaborate religious ceremonies.

“I used to wake up every morning excited to proclaim my divinity to the masses and call for the holy extermination of libtards,” said Jim Apollo Jehoshaphat, strolling nude through a field of tall feather pink pampas grass. “But life got busy, and the time between blood sacrifice rituals just got longer and longer… until one day I realized I hadn’t bathed a nubile teen in pig’s blood in well over a year. That’s when I thought, ‘Maybe I’m not the Son of God.’”

Despite an overall decline in persons believing themselves to be the Alpha and the Omega, America remains a majority religious country, and many still cling to their faith even as others fall away or get jobs in town.

“You can spout your little ‘facts’ about how radical eschatology isn’t as popular as it once was, or how I’ve incorrectly prophesied when the Earth will end over a dozen times. But I’ll never stop believing God called me to bring about the Rapture by creating and running a successful meth lab,” said Balthazar “Jeff” Christodoulou, smearing somebody’s feces from a backpack on a McDonald’s drive thru menu. “I’ll have a number two with a large Coke, please.”

Researchers did note that while fewer Christians identify themselves as the Second Coming of Christ, an increasing amount “strongly believe” President Donald Trump would “kick Jesus’ ass in a fist fight.”

We Look Back on My Tribal Tattoo Because It was Twenty Years Ago, Okay?

Posted on November 8, 2019 by Bobby D. Lux

No regrets they say. Live like it’s your last day. Yeah, well, I used to be that way- so carefree and full of whimsy. That is, until I got a tribal tattoo.

Before you judge me, I’ll have you know that I got it in 1998. Early 1998, too. Like, mid-January. So, you could even argue I got it in late 1996 because that’s when I got the idea. Practically 1995 when you think about it. And those were prime tribal tat years, baby, let me tell you.

To put it in perspective, I’m pretty sure Clinton was still President. I KNOW Mighty Mighty Bosstones was on the radio. And the tribal tattoo was the face tattoo of its day.

How was I supposed to know that tribals would soon become the signature tattoo of offensive lineman, Appalachian backyard wrestlers, and MMA fighters with losing records? I didn’t hear anyone bitching When George Clooney took off his jacket at the end of From Dusk till Dawn and there was that sweet, sweet tribal that went all the way up to his neck.

My tattoo was piece of ink that, on more than one occasion, had been referred to as “sick.” Yeah, you heard me correctly- “sick.” Just let that sink in. They probably wanted to add, “…as fuck” but they ran out of time.

People used to ask me what my tattoo represents. Nowadays, people just ask me if I think about getting it covered.

And to that I say, well, maybe. Do you have any ideas that aren’t lame? I’m thinking like some bitching flames coming up from my wrist? Maybe one of those elbow spider web things? I do take solace in the fact that I changed my mind about the barbed wire armband I had my heart set on. That would have looked dumb in hindsight.

Oh, and stop sarcastically asking me what tribe I’m from. Everyone who sees it knows I’m from Tribe 311.

Man Buys Expensive Gaming Chair to Sit in Like Degenerate Goblin

Posted on November 8, 2019 by Jimmy Beliakoff

TORRANCE, Calif. — Shortly after depositing his paycheck on Friday evening, local freelance artist David Gill excitedly ordered a brand new DXRacer gaming chair with which he intended to sit in exclusively while his body contorted itself into the shape of a revolting goblinoid trash being.

“I’ve been putting in overtime just to afford one of these babies!” exclaimed an ecstatic Gill, his back pressed against the bottom third of the chair. “My old office chair just won’t do it for me anymore. Draping my legs and spine over the arms of it like a kind of wretched Gollum-esque creature with no regard for my own personal health has really worn it down, so I’ve been needing the upgrade for a long time. Plus it even comes in purple!”

The chair’s features include adjustable height and lumbar support, which Gill planned to ignore entirely as he twisted around and folded himself into a position sure to lead to years of agonizing lower back pain.

“I don’t know why anybody would sit like this, like some monstrous malformed subterranean homunculus,” said a spokesperson for DXRacer when asked to comment. “We’re considering cancelling Mr. Gill’s order because this is bad for optics. Just sit in the damn chair like an adult man!”

The spokesperson declined to follow up but the company has since updated their website with several blurbs about their products being intended for ‘normal sitting use only’.

At press time, Gill was seen adjusting the position of his keyboard, mouse, and Cintiq tablet to accommodate the new chair.

“The key is to get them all within arms reach,” he said. “But in a way that forces you to slowly do irreparable damage to your neck while using them.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Vans Painstakingly Designed to Get Utterly Ravaged by Dog Shit

Posted on November 8, 2019 by Ted Pillow

COSTA MESA, Calif. — Vans President Kevin Bailey verified at a press conference yesterday that the company’s sneakers are meticulously crafted to be absolutely devastated by an errant step into dog shit.

“Our trademark rubber waffle sole offers exemplary traction and flexibility,” Bailey explained during a Q&A attended by reporters and Vans aficionados. “Despite the significant additional production cost it incurs, we also design our soles to feature dozens of incredibly tiny crevices from which it is nearly impossible to remove fecal matter. We also have a patented vulcanization technique that makes our rubber soles hold on to feces and never let it go — the fact that Vans get straight-up decimated by dog turds is completely essential to our company ethos.”

Attendees reported that the topic quickly dominated a press conference intended to promote a new line of slip-ons for toddlers. Follow-up questions were later addressed by Vans Head of Development, Morgan L. Wilhelm.

“This is integral to our product design,” stated Wilhelm, clad in a lab coat and examining the bottom of a Vans sneaker. “Our development space is filled with heaps of animal dung. I spend most of my day running through the room at full speed and then closely studying my shoe soles, marking down the results, and futilely attempting to clean them off by stepping in puddles, rubbing them in dirt, or scraping them on the edge of a sidewalk. It’s a process we hope each and every Vans customer gets to experience for themselves.”

Longtime Vans-wearer Etienne Kambara confirmed that the company’s policy was extremely effective.

“I accidentally stepped in some dog shit in my Vans last week,” said Kambara while gesturing towards their left shoe. “I spent over two hours using Q-tips, a roll of paper towels, and a box of #2 pencils trying to scrape the poop out of each individual waffle indent. Now my sneakers smell completely awful and make a weird squishing noise when I walk.”

“Whatever. At least they’re not Etnies,” she added.

Vans is expected to release a new line of shoes early next year that continue to give the wearer blisters even after they are well broken in.

Gamer Admits He Gets a Little More Excited When He Wins Online Mario Kart Race Against Players With Japanese Flag

Posted on November 7, 2019 by M.J. Amory

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — After winning a 150 CC race of Mario Kart 8 online, Justin Cordroy felt his heart flutter a tiny bit more when he saw all his competitors were sporting Japanese names and flags.

“Of course Japanese people aren’t inherently better at Mario Kart and it would be super wrong of me to assume someone’s skill level just because of their race,” Cordroy said in stilted sentences that betrayed his nervousness about discussing the subject. “I just… you know, statistically… because they have those tournaments, I think… OK wait, actually I’m just a racist.”

“But fuck you if you don’t feel a sense of American pride when you beat a Korean guy in Star Craft and OK OK I’m definitely seeing how I’m a racist now, it’s kind of just pouring out,” Cordroy continued. “I really have to stop playing Terran.”

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