Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Guitar Center Employee Drags Unsold Gear out to Dumpster at End of Day

Posted on November 7, 2019 by Sari Beliak

PHILADELPHIA — Guitar Center employee Henry Stiltz dragged another day’s worth of unsold gear to the dumpster at the end of his shift Tuesday, according to unnamed sources patiently waiting to sift through the garbage.

“I’ve tried explaining to my managers that there’s nothing actually wrong with all this stuff, and there’s plenty of people who would be happy to use it, but they just repeat some corporate bullshit about how it’s Guitar Center’s policy to dispose of any unsold product at the end of each business day,” said Stiltz, adding that employees are often forced to throw away bags full of perfectly good amps, guitars, and drum kits every night. “It’s just plain wasteful — especially when there are so many folks right here in this city who could really use some new strings or mic stands, and wouldn’t mind that it’s been sitting out all day.”

Many Guitar Center employees have attempted to find ways around throwing out perfectly good product.

“I used to bring home bags of unsold equipment — really good stuff too, like Fenders and Ibanez guitars — but eventually my roommates got sick of it, and we started running out of room for everything,” said part-time employee Carly Wilkes. “Sometimes after I close, I’ll load up my van and head to this spot downtown where I know people will appreciate some cymbals or a left-handed bass… but I can’t always do that. It breaks my heart to know it’s all just being thrown away.”

Representatives from Guitar Center claim that the company’s policy is meant as a safety precaution.

“Unfortunately, most of our items have a short shelf life, and we don’t want to get sued because one of our customers got sick playing on a rancid Yamaha synth,” said CEO Ronald Japinga. “We’ll certainly look at other ways we can cut down on waste… or maybe we could partner with a local organization that would want some expired drums or whatever. But to ensure that our customers are only getting the highest quality goods, we will continue to throw away all unsold gear at the end of the day.”

At press time, a line of U-Haul trucks was seen parked around the block as people waited to ransack the dumpsters for free gear.

Vice Writer Desperately Trying to Find Something Problematic About Spongebob Meme

Posted on November 7, 2019 by Patrick Crooks

NEW YORK — Vice writer Evan Walsh spent countless hours last week trying to find something problematic about a recent viral meme featuring Spongebob Squarepants and his friend Sandy Cheeks, amused sources confirmed.

“In the three months I’ve been here, nothing I’ve written has really gained any traction,” lamented the Oberlin graduate. “When I saw this meme of Spongebob and Sandy blowing up, I figured, if I found a way to ruin it for everybody, I could finally write something important and make a name for myself here while tearing down a children’s cartoon. But I’ve been looking over this thing for weeks now and I can’t find a goddamn thing about it that anyone would be offended by.”

Walsh’s fruitless attempts included scouring old tweets and interviews of anyone remotely connected to the cartoon for anything that could be construed as offensive.

“Evan seems really dead set on this idea, so I’m just going to let him run with it if it gets him off my ass for a while,” noted Vice Features Editor Jen Bradley. “I told him that I don’t think anyone is going to care that one of the parents of a receptionist at Nickelodeon voted for Trump in a primary, but he’s still pretty gung-ho. I actually heard him say, ‘This would be so much easier if Tom Kenny would just sexually assault someone.’ I might have to just assign him a story about Hong Kong so he moves on.”

Colleagues claimed Walsh’s other recent pitches included why the Count on “Sesame Street” is offensive to Romanians, and accusing white martial artists of cultural appropriation.

“Evan’s always been a bit of an SJW stereotype, but ever since he got this new gig he’s been fucking insufferable,” stated longtime friend Kyle Talbot. “This has long been his M.O., though — he nearly flunked out of school when he protested our theatre class’s lack of trigger warnings for ‘Romeo and Juliet.’ I guess Vice should be a good fit for him, though. They all seem to be as tightly wound as him.

When surveyed about Walsh’s upcoming article, Vice readers overwhelmingly thought the attempt for the piece was “stunning and brave.”

10 Years Later, Kirasawa’s “Yojimbo” Holds up as the Movie I Mention Casually to Seem Intelligent

Posted on November 7, 2019 by Dan Rice

When I first watched Yojimbo in my high school film study class I distinctly remember thinking “This is probably for like, intelligent people.” Now, 10 years since I decided to make watching this movie a part of my personality, Yojimbo completely holds up as the film I mention to seem like a cultured, thoughtful person.

I honestly could not tell you the last movie I watched without an Iron Man in it, but that doesn’t matter. Folding this film into the short list of smart people things I talk about over craft beer has established me as the “serious film guy” of my friends circle for over a decade.

Mentioning Yojimbo separates you from the pack of straight white guys who consider themselves film buffs. It tells the world you aren’t some rube who’s favorite movie is Fight Club. You are a student of cinema whose second favorite movie is Fight Club right behind this smart movie from a long time ago that you have to read during and it isn’t even in color and stuff.

I can turn almost any movie conversation into a conversation about how I’ve seen Yojimbo. “Oh, you watched Suspiria? Did you know that was a remake of an Italian horror movie? Fist Full of Dollars is also an Italian movie. You know, it’s basically a shot for shot remake of Kiroosawa’s Yojimbo.”

It’s as if Yojimbo is a magic word, one that transforms you into an authority, a thinker. Abandon all hope ye who challenge my opinions, because unlike you I don’t just watch Marvel movies. I watch Marvel movies and at least this one movie also.

And that’s the best part! Talking about a movie like Yojimbo implies that you have seen so many other things! Citizen Kane, those movies with that Hitler looking guy, Rashomon whatever the fuck that is, for all you know I’ve seen them all!

Sure over the years I’ve mentioned other films to make people around me feel less-than. I watched Bicycle Thieves before dropping that film class and for a little while in 2015 I was way into pretending I had seen The 400 Blows, but for whatever reason Keerosawaz’ Yojimbo is the one I keep coming back to. Whether I’m emphasizing the beauty of the cinematography or talking about how this movie shaped the modern archetype of the anti-hero you can be sure that I have no clue what I am talking about.

Legal Loophole: China’s Gaming Ban Doesn’t Count If You Hide Under the Covers and Play Under Your Pillow

Posted on November 7, 2019 by Bailey Hull

BEIJING — A clause found in a recent bill passed by the Chinese government claims that, despite initial claims, gamers under 18 may still play past 10 p.m., but only if they sneakily hide their console under their covers and play under their pillow.

“This is an incredible victory for gamers,” said Peking University law professor, Dr. Jin Guo. “They may now safely continue to play past 10 p.m., so long as law enforcement doesn’t catch them staying up way, way past their bedtimes.”

Techniques on how to stealthily sneak past government officials have spread across Chinese forums as gamers prepare for the law to go into effect. Suggestions range from pretending to fall asleep super quickly as they hear someone walking towards their room, to getting 2-3 pillows to mask their screens, to wearing a hoodie to bed to hide their earbuds.

“I tried to play without earphones once,” said an anonymous Weibo user. “But some officials heard me, took my Switch and told me they were going to keep it in their room until I learned how to be responsible with my electronics again.”

The loophole is considered a win for handheld gamers. Console users, however, have found the sole flaw in their loyalty to PC gaming.

“Look, it’s hard to play while you’re balancing a pillow on your monitor,” said Guangzhou-based gamer Xiaoyu Song, while attempting to hide her glowing PC under a blanket. “But you gotta do what you gotta do. And hey, it beats going to bed at a semi-reasonable hour.”

At press time, legal experts were reviewing an additional clause in the bill, stating that gamers could play before 8 a.m., so long as they can sneak past their parents’ room and turn on the Xbox super quietly.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Underage Frontman Saving Himself Until Dating Minors Would Be Creepy

Posted on November 7, 2019 by Shea Strauss

INDIANAPOLIS — Oskar Wesley, the 15-year-old frontman of the winner of the 2019 Indianapolis Public School System Battle of the Bands, announced in an interview after his victory that he is staying celibate until he is old enough to have an improper relationship with a minor.

“I want to be just like my rock ‘n’ roll idols,” the teenage singer said. “And that includes following their romantic histories. You can’t name one successful music icon who didn’t date someone wildly inappropriate. All my favorite frontmen and songwriters resent people for not sleeping with them when they were younger and not famous.”

“I know it’s my choice, but I hope I can still build that same resentment,” he added, “and when I’m successful and old enough, I’ll date underage fans just like they do.”

14-year-old Zoe Avakian, who went to this year’s Homecoming Dance with Wesley, confirmed that the aspiring creep is standing by his conviction.

“I wasn’t surprised to hear this,” Avakian said. “I thought he was going to ask me out after the dance, but he said he ‘didn’t want a reputation of having a relationship with an equal power balance,’ and to have my little sister call him in five years.”

However, 10-year-old middle schooler Matilda Kruger, who lives in Wesley’s school district, was excited by Wesley’s future romantic plans.

“When I’m 16, he’ll be 21,” Kruger said. “And 16 is the age of consent in Indiana, so it’s fine. I can’t wait to kiss him and touch under blankets. He follows me on Snapchat. Are we done? Do you want to play Barbies with me?”

Eager for when he will be considered a full-on predator, Wesley is admittedly looking forward to his first time.

“I think when the time is right, I’ll make a great sexual predator,” said Wesley. “I was extremely disappointed when I found out Warped Tour was ending. It’s cheesy, but I always imagined my first time taking advantage of and subsequently gaslighting a teenager would be there.”

At press time, Oskar Wesley was on an FBI watchlist.

Todd Howard Sends Late Night DM Just Asking Obsidian How They’ve Been or Whatever

Posted on November 6, 2019 by Andy Holt

BETHESDA, Md. — Bethesda Softworks CEO Todd Howard reportedly sent a message to The Outer Worlds developer Obsidian late yesterday evening, just to see what they’ve been up to the past nine years or so, out of curiosity, for no particular reason.

“Heyyy what’s up lol been a while,” wrote Howard from his personal Twitter account at approximately 2:37 a.m. this morning. “You just popped into my head just totally randomly, and I was thinking about all those late nights we spent back when we were working on that Fallout game together. Forget what it was called lmao but that was fun times. How have you been?”

Howard, whose company Bethesda outsourced development of 2010 fan favorite Fallout: New Vegas to Obsidian before severing ties, waited nearly three minutes before messaging again.

“You’re probably suuuuuper busy, so like, no rush getting back to me or anything! Just want you to know I am still thinking of you and I care about you a lot and hope you have been doing good,” wrote Howard, before pausing for another two minutes. “If you ever need anything, I am always here. Love ya!! :)”

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for Obsidian confirmed receipt of the messages, but claimed not to have read them closely, and had no plans to respond to Howard directly.

“Todd isn’t a bad guy, really. We wish him the best and have no hard feelings about him ghosting us all those years ago. Everybody makes mistakes,” said Obsidian’s assistant director of communications Hannah Lambert. “But come on, dude, you gotta get over it. We’re a mature game studio now with a popular new game, not some ‘one who got away’ for you to fantasize about while you neglect your own studio.”

As of the next morning, Howard had changed his profile photo and posted a series of Tweets about how happy he was with Fallout 76.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Shirtless, Coked Out Hans Zimmer Wants to Know if Sydney Opera House Ready to Fucking Party Tonight

Posted on November 6, 2019 by Freelancer

SYDNEY — Acclaimed film composer Hans Zimmer shocked audience members at the Sydney Opera House last night when he appeared onstage at the venue’s historic concert hall shirtless in an ostensibly cocaine-induced hysteria.

“Are you ready to fucking blow this shit apart tonight, Sydney?” bellowed the four-time Grammy Award-winner, whose nostrils were visibly caked with blood and white powder. “Because I’ll be honest, I think the Cialis I just popped backstage is reacting with my angina medication and I feel like I finally understand ‘Interstellar!’ Move up!”

Concert attendee David Young was among those taken aback by Zimmer’s uncharacteristically belligerent demeanor.

“You know, the wife and I just came out tonight to enjoy a live performance of some of our favorite film compositions — we like the ‘Inception’ soundtrack in particular,” said Young.
“That’s why it was so disconcerting around two minutes into ‘Time’ when Hans started shattering empty beer bottles against the Grand Organ and throwing the glass into the crowd.”

Zimmer’s recent behavior appears to be the latest installment in a pattern of outbursts, sources confirm.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” said Anna Oommen, first oboe in Zimmer’s touring symphony orchestra. “I just need to pay off my second mortgage and then I never have to see this man again.”

Event security at the Sydney Opera House was also caught off-guard by Zimmer’s erratic conduct on-stage.

“Logistically, we were not prepared for Mr. Zimmer’s stage dive into the audience during the climax of ‘Chevaliers de Sangreal’ from the popular ‘DaVinci Code’ franchise,” said Mark Wellstadt, Head of Security and Emergency Planning for the venue. “You see, there’s no pit, so he just kind of crashed into the auditorium chairs… most of which were empty at that point.”

“We tried to call an ambulance for him, but he kept saying he didn’t need to go to the hospital because he wasn’t, and I quote, ‘a pussy like that hack Danny Elfman,’” he added.

Zimmer was taken into custody by New South Wales police later that night for attempting to rob Ramin Djawadi at gunpoint.

Polyamorous Man Asks for a Plus-Three Wedding Invite

Posted on November 6, 2019 by Bobby Korec

GALVESTON, Texas — Polyamorous man Bryce Tarryton asked his recently engaged friends last week if he could trade in his plus-one wedding invitation for a plus-three to accomodate each of his current partners, eye-rolling sources confirmed.

“Weddings are a system of oppression for those who choose to live outside the restrictive plus-one monogamaus lifestyle,” Tarryton said while adjusting his fedora. “I shouldn’t have to be pigeonholed into antiquated systems like wedding receptions, or a job. It’s actually pretty selfish of them to force me to choose between just one of my lovers.”

“Can’t they think about someone else on their wedding day?” he added. “Some people are just so clueless.”

The wedding party was reluctant, yet not surprised, when Tarryton requested invitations for extra guests.

“He’s pulled shit like this ever since he spent that one afternooon on r/polyamory,” groom Harry Law said of the request. “This wedding dinner is costing us upwards of $120 a plate, and I know between the four of them they’re only going to get us a $25 Foot Locker gift card. We just don’t have the money to afford his alternative lifestyle.”

“To be honest, though, I’ve never even met any of his partners,” Law added. “We’ve tried to double-date so many times, but plans always get derailed when Bryce fails to let me know how many dates he’s planning to bring. Restaurants don’t typically let you make reservations for ‘four, or maybe eight or 10’ guests.”

Wedding experts hypothesize that the rise of more non-traditional ceremonies has led to guests asking for increasingly outrageous requests.

“Ever since weddings have moved away from conventional ceremonies and receptions, guests have been fighting to see their own authentic values expressed in them as well,” wedding planner Gwen Bankinston said. “I once planned a wedding where guests were encouraged to bring their dogs. Some guests, however, felt left out and showed up with live alligators, tarantulas, and one with an emotional support peacock. I no longer do Florida weddings as a result of that one.”

At press time, Tarryton was asking his psychologist how many people he’s allowed to bring to couples therapy.

Corruption of PS2 Memory Card Not Unlike Burning of the Library of Alexandria

Posted on November 6, 2019 by JD Lowe

AKRON, Ohio — Local gamer Scott Landis’s languish was felt throughout the apartment upon his discovery that his PlayStation 2 memory card from 2003 had been corrupted, causing a destruction of information which drew immediate comparison to the burning of the Library of Alexandria by Julius Caesar in 48 BC.

“This is an absolutely devastating loss,” said historian and roommate Brett Carson. “The time, effort, and energy Scott spent completing every challenge in God of War alone would make Archimedes’ Screw look like a child’s thing. The scholastic community mourns with Mr. Landis.”

This was not the first time such a trove of knowledge had been destroyed at the hands of Scott Landis, according to his younger cousin Jeremy Stevens.

“Scott had me come over to play Super Mario World on his Raspberry Pi, but I accidentally erased over his 100% save file,” Stevens said solemnly. “I didn’t think it was such a big deal, but he compared it to the burning of Notre Dame’s cathedral. He’s always overreacting with things like that, but when he deletes all of the files on my computer to make room for more Sim City 2000 save files, it’s for ‘The Greater Good.’”

Those familiar with the situation say Landis has already begun playing through his games again to recreate the contents of his memory card and preserve his achievements for generations to come, although much has been lost to time.

At press time, Landis had confirmed that he would be skipping Final Fantasy X this time around because “the Thunder Plains fucking suck.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

I Tried to Learn Sweep Picking off YouTube and Now I’m a Nazi

Posted on November 6, 2019 by Zac Fairhall

Listen up, snowflakes! As some of you know, my douchebag SJW singer Simon threatened to bring a new guitarist into our band The Keychain Stranglers because my chops ‘weren’t up to scratch.’ In an effort to prevent this, I hopped on YouTube that night to learn sweep picking. Seemed easy, ya know? I mean if Kirk Hammett can do it…

I gotta say, it went really well. Got some brutal sweep patterns down that are sure to impress the guys in the band. Oh, and I also accidentally became a Nazi. Whoops.

It all happened so fast, the tutorial video ended and next thing I knew I was watching Jordan Peterson explain how Rock Lobster is the reason I’ve never had a girlfriend or something. Then it jumped to a three hour Dave Rubin interview with a guy who ranted about the sabotage of western society and the purity of white blood while Dave kinda drooled down his front and nodded. However, by this point I was nodding along too.

What finally convinced me was video after video of old men pissing in their own mouth, spluttering their lib-owning piss was completely estrogen free, and gurgling that jews secretly run the world. If they can taste superior testosterone just by urinating in their mouth, I can definitely trust them that I should get that swastika tattoo!

I’ve been watching more and more YouTube every night, including learning some more sick sweep patterns, but YouTube just keeps bringing me back to guys ranting about ‘the great replacement’ in front of a green screen, sobbing that AOC won’t debate them, and trying to sell me erection medication. Now I’ve got a raging boner for a white ethno-state that won’t go down. Suck it, libs!

No, seriously Libs, please suck it. I’ve had this erection for days and I no longer care how it goes away.

Stay tuned for updates! I have a fun bus trip to Portland planned with some new friends from 8Chan and I’ll let all of you know whether my Q badge will fit on the lapel next to my bodycam.

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