Band’s Long-Forgotten Myspace Inbox Full of Big Break Messages That Will Never Be Read
KNOXVILLE, Tenn. — Mid-level pop-punk band Cabbagepatchkids will never know how close they were to making it big, thanks to the total neglect of their Myspace inbox when the platform fell out of favor with users, government officials confirmed.
“Yeah… this is a pretty sad case. Those guys had four or five unread messages from decent record labels and an invitation to Warped Tour in 2006 that would’ve really put them over the top,” said an NSA official who asked to remain anonymous. “I tried to help them out at one point by sending an official looking email saying, ‘Asian Man Records wants to connect on Myspace,’ but they must have ignored it.”
“The only other time I intervened was when this one kid named Tommy Forbes was crushing hard on this girl Kaitlin Scarcia — she messaged him about a date, but he already switched over to Facebook,” the official added. “Long story short, I logged into his computer remotely, left the window open for him to discover it, and now, those two are married.”
Members of the band who work at various retail jobs in the greater Knoxville area and still play shows in bars from time to time remain completely unaware that success was within their grasp.
“I don’t have any regrets. We got to tour the east coast a few times, and once we even opened for SR-71,” said vocalist Kerry Leung. “Yeah, it would’ve been cool to do music full-time, but if we went that route I wouldn’t be managing a Lids in the mall — I’ll qualify for benefits in two months. I still think everything worked out for the best in the end. Life on the road gets old, and I like the comfort of coming to the same mall everyday for what’s felt like an eternity.”
Myspace founder Tom Anderson feels no sympathy for the band.
“Myspace was on top for six years. Six fucking years. Every hookup between scene kids in the mid-2000s was thanks to what? That’s right: My-fucking-space. But as soon as Facebook seemed cooler, you all jumped ship, and look how that worked out,” said Anderson while preparing to summit a mountain in the Andes. “Fuck these guys, fuck you, and enjoy another four years of Trump. Thank Facebook for that and suck my ass, you shitbags.”
At press time, the Cabbagepatchkids official Facebook page inbox is full of messages advertising “sexi pics all nihgt long” from various bots.
We Convinced Martin Scorsese the Skrulls Were a Metaphor for Italians and Now He’s Really Into Marvel
The great Martin Scorsese-Marvel feud has come to a close. After weeks of controversy amongst both the Marvel and film communities, the acclaimed director has revealed that he is now a huge fan of the MCU, after our team convinced him that the Skrulls were an extended metaphor for Italians immigrating to the U.S. in the late 1800’s.
“I get it now,” noted the Academy Award-winning director. “The Skrulls were ostracized by the Kree just like Italians were by the U.S. and other immigrants during 40 years of mass immigration. The Kree-Skrull War is a metaphor for World War II, and Captain Marvel is like President Benjamin Harrison. Bravo, Marvel!” he claimed after reading a word document we printed out which supported these claims.
Once we had him on our side, we provided additional “facts” that would solidify his support.
“Captain America really is a Sinatra type,” noted Scorsese while pre-subscribing to Disney+. “Hulk and Thor and Groot are all the working class, manual labor immigrants, forced to use their bodies and brute strength to achieve tasks that others won’t do. Thor even has a hammer — obviously a metaphor for the Upper West Side buildings that Gaetan Ajello and Anthony Campagna designed. Eccellente!” he added.
At a certain point, though, it was clear that we went a bit too far.
“Ant-Man reminds me of the great men who built the Garibaldi Memorial. They could be short in stature, but when it came time to get their hands dirty, those men would be tall as the Verrazzano Bridge,” he noted while getting a neck tattoo of the full MCU ensemble, including, for some reason, several of the scientists Mickey Rourke’s character kills in that one Iron Man II scene.
At press time, Scorsese was seen laughing hysterically, alone, to the Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 commentary, while also editing in a fun last minute cameo for himself into The Irishman — clearly influenced by Stan Lee’s appearances in the MCU films.
Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!
Guy Who Broke up With College Girlfriend 20 Years Ago Still Thinks About How His Jawbreaker T-Shirt Is Doing
TEMPE, Ariz. — Local man Connor Heath still regrets breaking up with his college girlfriend 20 years on, admitting today that he never got over the Jawbreaker T-shirt she didn’t return two decades ago, sources tired of hearing about it confirmed.
“There are many things I could’ve done differently: I should’ve taken that semester in Spain, I should’ve studied instead of playing ultimate frisbee, and I never should’ve ended it with Courtney. If I’d known she was going to run off with my favorite band shirt, I never would’ve broken up with her over voicemail,” said Heath. “Every night, I sit and wonder where that T-shirt is now — how it’s doing, and how different my life would be if I had a vintage Jawbreaker ‘24 Hour Revenge Therapy’ T-shirt to wear to shows. Just think of all the head nods I’d get every time I wore that bad boy.”
Courtney Owens, Heath’s college girlfriend, had very little recollection of their relationship, let alone of the T-shirt in question.
“College is about experimentation, right? I was a so-called punk for like, five minutes. I think we saw that band… who was it? Jabberbox? Jawstopper? I got rid of most of that stuff years ago,” said Owens. “I do have that box of rags my husband uses to polish his Tesla — if I have it, it might be in there. Or I may have used it to clean up after our Labradoodle had puppies. Either way, thinking about it is a giant waste of time.”
Relationship expert Amelia Jansen believes people need to learn to accept the things they lost in a relationship and move on.
“I would tell someone like Connor that he’s better off without that T-shirt, and that if he keeps his heart open, he’ll once again fall in love with a brand new piece of clothing,” said Jansen. “I’d also say it’s time to stop dressing like a college student from the ’90s. I mean, you’re in your 40s, for God’s sake.”
At press time, friends report Heath bought a brand new Jawbreaker T-shirt online, but won’t stop comparing it to “the one that got away.”
Police Confirm Text Sent Before Teen’s Fatal Car Crash Was Actually Worth It
LANCASTER, Pa. — Police officers on the scene of a texting and driving accident last night that claimed the life of a local teen confirmed today that the fatal text was “straight fire,” “funny as balls,” and “totally worth dying over.”
“As a highway patrol officer, the hardest part of our job is informing a parent that their child died in a car accident while texting some hella corny shit to their friends. It’s unfortunately very rare that any of these young corpses are funny,” said Ofc. Duane Chen. “But today, I’m happy to confirm that the text sent prior to this crash was totally worth it. And to be honest, I can’t wait to tell his parents what a hilarious son they have… I mean, ‘had.’”
Maxine Perryman, a cousin of the deceased, saw Chen break the news to the victim’s mother.
“I couldn’t hear him, but I could see his shit-eating grin — like he was stifling laughter, even after my aunt was doubled-over in tears,” said Perryman. “I then saw the officer put his arm around my aunt, which I thought was sweet… but it turns out he was only trying to take a selfie with her.”
Anti-texting and driving advocate Monica Waldman pointed out that most road safety PSAs unfairly target all teens, rather than just unfunny ones.
“The biggest tragedy of all is the fact that less than 2% of deadly texts are funny. Sure, everyone thinks their texts are funny, but trust me: they’re not,” warned Waldman. “And sometimes, the fatal texts aren’t even jokes, but instead some normie bullshit like, ‘Be there in five,’ or ‘Love you,’ or ‘Grandpa in hospital. Talk soon.’ Ugh, so boring. If you’re going to die texting and driving, at least make it something the first responders will get a chuckle over.”
At press time, Ofc. Chen and several colleagues had vowed to help pay for the teen’s funeral costs, but were withholding funds until the family agrees to inscribe the hilarious text on his gravestone.
Ah, Shit: We Forgot to Review ‘Game of Thrones’
Winter has come, the bells have tolled, and now our watch has ended. Game of Thrones, the fantasy juggernaut that launched HBO into the streaming era, has finally reached its finale.
Five months ago, that is.
I was assigned this review in May, but, like, I’ve been going through a lot lately, and I just spaced out, okay? Why is that so hard for my bosses to understand? There’s been talk about layoffs. I have a whole stack of late drafts to finish. Things look bad for me. So here’s the Hard Drive Hot Take on Game of Thrones, Season 8. I’m so fucked.
The final season of Game of Thrones was underwhelming. While previous seasons of the show were a masterclass in tension, the lightning-quick pacing of Season 8 carried little of the emotional weight that …
Goddamnit, this is exactly what Gamesradar said. Shit. Next point.
I actually think the biggest reason to be upset with the finale is that its characters felt horribly cheapened. These characters, who started out as fully-realized human beings, ended up as puppets being uselessly strung along between story beats.
Daenerys in particular seems like she’s possessed by the faux-tragic villain of a Saturday morning cartoon, and we never even get to see her thought process as she heartlessly FUCK FUCK FUCK this is the IGN review. I’m writing the goddamn IGN review. I can’t even come up with something more original than IGN.
Jesus, this is it. I’m toast. How did I let this happen? I didn’t even watch the last episode of Game of Thrones! I gave up on the show just like everybody else did. Why? Because you don’t need a fucking professional critic to tell you what was wrong with its dumbed-down, overblown, poorly-lit, written-by-focus-group ass. Fuck. FUCK! I need to lie down.
The final season of Game of Thrones was fine. Those big battle scenes were cool. I liked the part where Arya stabbed the guy. Whatever, man.
Be sure to come back next week to check out my review of Chernob… ah, SHIT.
Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!
End of an Era: I Just Hit Bob Dylan With My Car
The genre defining career of Bob Dylan was brought to an abrupt and tragic end just moments ago after the legendary singer songwriter wandered into the path of my 2014 Toyota Camry.
To be fair, it was pretty dark out.
Dylan, whose monolithic repertoire of songs includes such classics as “Like a Rolling Stone” and “Blowin’ in the Wind” was for decades considered the voice of his generation. It’s a shame that he didn’t use that voice to warn me that I was about to run him over.
Those who knew him always spoke of his quick wit and charismatic, almost magnetic, presence. It was hard not to become star-struck myself as I watched the pop culture icon roll over the top of my windshield.
Dylan was never afraid to make surprising and often controversial career moves. While everyone remembers the day he went electric or his conversion to Christianity, his most controversial choice was definitely walking out into the fucking road like a giant dumbass.
Along with being a musical powerhouse on his own, Dylan was never afraid to collaborate with other artists. From Johnny Cash to Tom Petty, you’d have better luck thinking of people Mr. Tambourine Man hasn’t worked with. Out of all collaborations though, the most surprising one had to have been his most recent work with my car’s front bumper.
People say that Dylan’s energy and passion dwindled as he got older. I used to agree with them, but that all changed after Dylan snapped back to life while I was poking what I thought was his corpse with a stick. It was admittedly a little disappointing that he passed out again from shock before I could ask what inspired him to write “All Along the Watchtower”.
Covering Bob Dylan is an unspoken right of passage among musicians. Even legends like Hendrix and George Harrison weren’t afraid from covering the bard. I continued this time honored tradition by covering Dylan in some leaves and fleeing the scene.
The Time really are a-Changin’ for Bob Dylan who, while not dead, won’t be able to do much freewheelin’ while inside of a full body cast.
Is a Game Truly Free to Play?
In this modern age of immediate pleasures, of instant dopamine hits from crates full of loot common, rare, and epic, of farms in need of maintaining, and candies in dire need of crushing, we find ourselves bathing in an endless pool of games that ask for no fees; almost drowning in a sea of differing gaming loops that ask nothing back from us. Only a call to engage.
But within these calls are the sounds of a siren’s song.
As I found myself on the 15th level of an endless runner, bounding over obstacle after obstacle, much like a gazelle unfettered by prey but impeded by the thrush of the forest, I stumbled for a 9th time. My character crashed down as he had so many times, reappearing at the beginning of the level; a sisyphean effort that he and I both happily obliged to participate in. Only this time, a message popped onto the screen. A window telling me I had run out of lives, informing me of a dire choice I had to make, much like the man who had two doors to choose from; hiding either his beloved lady waiting for his embrace or a tiger ready to strike him down.
My choices to replenish my avatar’s lives were to either wait for 8 hours or to purchase them for 500 gold. In this moment, the window was not only relaying a message, but it was revealing a world I had never seen. A world full of gold, silver, and rupees. These currencies at first peaked my curiosity but soon revealed themselves to only be a mask for the one currency: Actual Money.
With this realization, the veil had been lifted further. I was not in a world brightened by various shining monies. I was in a world of Lovecraftian horror ruled by the elder god named Capitalism. His nefarious tentacles wrapped around the ankles of my free runner, the wings of my angry birds, and the swords of my clansmen that I would send to clash.
In this moment, I saw that nothing in this world is truly free.
Everything is shackled and confined, no matter how much it advertises itself otherwise. Man is imprisoned by time, gravity, and obligation. Nature is bound to laws set in place millennia ago. We pay to win — oft-not with money, but with our very lives. My free runner is locked away for 8 hours unless I spend $5. I must endeavor to ask my wife.
Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!
Punk Hoping Dad’s Trump Support is Just a Phase
IRVINE,Calif. — Local punk Jenny Stoever is hoping against all hope that her father Ted Stoever’s ardent support of President Trump is just a passing phase, worried sources confirmed.
“This is just like his ‘Salt Life’ years, or the horrifying fanny pack phase of 2008. It’s so embarrassing… I can’t even be seen with him in public. But hopefully, like the fanny pack, he’ll realize Trump is something to be ashamed of, not celebrated,” said Stoever. “My guess is that while he fervently defends Trump now, he’ll eventually come to his senses and then pretend as if he never really liked him. Just like how he now pretends he never supported that super-trendy Iraq War.”
Jenny’s stepmother and Ted’s wife, Dr. Julie Stoever, acknowledged that trend-chasing is very common for men of a certain age.
“As we all know, middle-aged, impotent, rage-filled white men are incredibly insecure and still very much trying to find an identity they can call their own. Some do this by taking up bowling or getting into model trains; still others start a phase where they support a racist, despot-worshipping, syphilitic-brained, spray-tanned tyrant. Everyone’s just trying to find where they belong, I suppose,” said Dr. Stoever. “But people change, too. Just as Jenny eventually realized The Offspring were far from the ‘greatest punk band ever.’”
Ted Stoever defended himself, insisting his Trump love is no phase.
“My kid and wife don’t get me, man. This MAGA hat and these bad-fuckin’-ass American flag shorts aren’t a costume. This is a lifestyle,” Mr. Stoever explained. “And sure, it’s been tough to support Trump with all his rampant corruption, pandering to Nazis, and caging of children, but I’m in too deep. It’d be embarrassing if I turned my back on my team now, regardless of the fact that denouncing Trump is clearly the right thing to do.”
Despite his insistence to the contrary, at press time sources confirmed Ted Stoever is secretly exploring ways he can distance himself from Trump while not admitting his mistake and simultaneously transitioning into a craft beer phase.
Perfectly Soundproof Practice Space Also Slowly Suffocating Band Members to Death
WILMINGTON, Del. — Members of the band Temporary Joy were unaware that their perfectly soundproof practice space is also slowly killing them due to the room’s lack of oxygen, drowsy sources confirmed.
“This practice space is honestly really amazing: we don’t have neighbors calling the cops on us for playing too loud, we can’t hear other bands fighting through the wall… if this place had a shower, I’d want to live here,” said bassist Ahren Clark. “The only thing about it I don’t really like is that after a really good session in there, everyone in the band starts to feel sorta woozy and lightheaded. It’s probably because we’re playing so hard.”
James Fairmont, the owner of the practice space and building, explained the lack of proper air circulation in the unit.
“Well, ya see, it’s an older building… and when you get right down to it, you can either have proper airflow or you can have proper soundproofing, but not both,” said Fairmont. “Yeah, sure, a couple of people have died in the rooms, but that isn’t my fault — they all signed waivers and knew what they were getting into. I tell ya, the biggest pain in the ass is sanding the scratch marks out of the doors from people trying to escape: they are so fuckin’ loopy from the lack of oxygen they don’t realize its a ‘pull’ door and can walk right out.”
Residents of the units surrounding the practice space mostly had praise for Fairmont’s work.
“Really, it’s super great that Mr. Fairmont got the soundproofing sorted out, because now we can sleep and study in peace without being woken up by someone playing a Venom riff incorrectly over and over,” said longtime resident Beth Summers. “That said, though, it does get kind of old that, every time I walk down the street with my laundry, I have to step over all these idiots nearly passed out on the sidewalk sucking wind like they just escaped drowning.”
At press time, the significant others of several band members who suffocated to death in the space were spotted leaving memorial wreaths outside the building.