Man Uses Last Cheat Code to Set Game Genie Free

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

NAPERTON, Ill. — In a heartwarming act of selflessness showing how much he’d grown as a person since first acquiring the magical device, local gamer Thomas O’Neill used his last cheat code to set his Game Genie free, sources confirmed.

“When I first found the Game Genie, it was so exciting to know that I could have any power-up I wished for, but eventually I started to feel bad thinking about what the Game Genie wanted,” explained O’Neill. “I realized that it probably wasn’t much fun sitting inside of an add-on cartridge all day just granting the wishes of a selfish kid like me.”

“I may get infinite lives, but the Game Genie only has one,” O’Neill continued. “Sometimes you have to think about whether or not he’d want some unlimited grenades for himself.”

O’Neill also explained what led him to the decision was an epiphany that the cheat codes he used didn’t change who he was deep down inside.

“Besides, even if I wanted more ammo or the ability to jump higher, and even if that helped me win the game, it wouldn’t change who I was inside without the cheat codes,” O’Neill said. “If you take away all the things that I magically unlocked, I’m just a regular guy. I have to stop being something that I’m not! The game is just going to have to accept me for who I am!”

At press time, O’Neill expressed frustration that Aladdin for Super Nintendo was actually much harder without infinite lives turned on.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Truck Driver Just Gonna Get Some Quick Shut-Eye Before Barrelling Into Minivan Ahead

Posted on by Shawn Murray

INTERSTATE 95 — 19 hours into a 12-hour shift and trailing closely behind a jam-packed minivan, big-rig operator “Big” Pat Phillips found the perfect time moments ago to take a quick nap.

“You don’t get too many opportunities like this one, Pat. You gotta pounce on it,” said the driver to himself with a yawn, mere moments before causing a fiery wreck that will haunt first responders for the remainder of their tortured lives. “I’m just going to rest my eyes for a couple seconds here, and then I’ll be good to go for another six or seven hours.”

Fellow drivers on the road seemingly predicted the disaster waiting to happen, due to the erratic driving of the trucker for the past few miles.

“I knew I needed to get around that truck with the ‘Wide Load’ banner after he changed three lanes without signaling,” said Omar Huston, the driver of a passing Toyota Corolla, as he watched Phillips’ truck drifting in and out of the center lane in his rear view mirror, just a few hundred yards ahead of the wreck that will shut down a two-mile stretch of highway for the next 18 hours. “When I got past him to flip him the bird, I swear I saw him with his head on a pillow. I think he was even wearing a sleep mask.”

The seven occupants of the soon to be mangled minivan, a soccer team riding high from a big win at a tournament earlier today, are reportedly oblivious that the snoozing driver behind them will soon cause a collision that will lead to a $20 million dollar lawsuit and the firing of the trucking company’s dispatcher.

“You know, I told you guys before the tournament that if we won we’d get pizza… but at this point, I’m thinking ice cream, too!” exclaimed Rick Laramie, coach of the team and father of its star player. “I’m pretty sure Pies ‘N Cones is right off the next exit. Nobody can stop the Tigers!”

As he drifted off to sleep, rocketing towards the biggest tragedy this stretch of highway will ever see, Phillips remained content with his decision, reminding himself that “a little nap never hurt anybody.”

How Going Broke Helped Me Get Sober

Posted on by Alex Salcido

Hitting the bottle a little too hard? It seems everyone is getting on the wagon these days and the general consensus is that ‘sober’ isn’t such a bad word as long as you’re not straight edge!

Sober is the new cool. Or whatever word replaced cool 20 years ago when I stopped learning new slang. But whatever reason you have to want to better yourself, run with it! Personally, for me, it was going broke.

I’ve had a rough go this month. I lost my job bartending at The Vacuum. It wasn’t my fault though. Ownership changed and they started making up all these weird rules about ‘letting in minors’ and ‘serving minors’ and ‘drinking with minors.’ I hate to see a Baltimore staple losing it’s charm so I had to quit. But it’s not all bad- going broke helped me take some time to myself and really reflect on who I am as a person. I’ve spent so much time at home just thinking. Mostly because I can’t afford to go out.

Now, after twelve days sober – minus the little bit of THC I have left in my stepdad’s vape pen along with a few nugs I got from my former Vacuum Room manager Gary – I can say this whole ‘not having money’ thing has been the most effective system for staying sober.

I’d recommend this to anyone out there struggling with addiction. In fact, now you can be a part of my upward journey by donating to my Patreon page for my new podcast “Sob (pronounced “Sew-b) Stories.” Donate now.

Review: Apple Arcade is a Five Star Service

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Between the Nintendo Switch and the evolution of mobile technology, it has never been a better time to be a gamer plagued by a constant stream of painful, urgent bowel movements. With their new Apple Arcade service, your iPhone has just become a very legitimate contender for a little more of that toilet time. For five dollars a month (or about the money you make shitting at work in a given day, honestly), you could have in your pocket a steady stream of some of gaming’s most exciting new releases. 

Whether you’re using the john at work or just balled up on the bathroom floor at home praying for this eternal gastric torment to be over, Apple Arcade has something worth playing in just about every notable genre. Here is just a sampling of the games I’ve been enjoying with this incredible service:

Sayonara Wild Hearts – This narrative rhythm game provides a thrilling pick up and play experience with great visuals and a unique story, but most impressive is the music. Remember to bring your gaming headset to the bathroom when you play Sayonara Wild Hearts to appreciate this game’s strongest asset, its gorgeous pop soundtrack. 

Super Mega Mini Party – From Overcooked! to Mario Party, everyone loves a great local co-op party game, but developers never take into account a crucial component, that the game is constantly interrupted by someone, generally you, having to take a mean shit. There’s no momentum or flow to the game. That’s where Super Mega Mini Party comes in. It’s a party game on your phone, so you can leave the room every 15 to 60 minutes and not have to pause an intense grudge match. This game just came out and I can’t get into a party yet, but for innovation alone, it deserves a spot on this list. 

Mini Motorways – Dinosaur Polo Club’s follow up to the delightful mass transit planning game Mini Metro tasks you with designing roads and routing traffic in increasingly crowded cities. Not only does it work in large or small doses, but the game will actually benefit you in the real world, helping you to better understand the flow of heavy traffic and the importance of direct routes while racing home to hopefully at least make it through your front door before your innards betray you. 

Dodo Peak – A modern take on some beloved classics, this Q*Bert and Frogger inspired platform puzzler is an absolute delight that will make you wonder where the minutes have gone and when that guy in the next stall got here. Dodo Peak is a hidden gen on the Apple Arcade and it passes the most important tests of a great game: it’s fun, and it made me forget how long ago I finished going to the bathroom.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Custodian Interrupted by Encore

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

DALLAS — Hardworking custodian Chuck O’Gallagher was interrupted while finishing his shift late last night by members of local punk band Wet Socks, who came out for a surprise encore after their set.

“I finished picking up all the empty beer cans and was already mopping the place when these kids run on stage, whooping it up like a bunch of lunatics,” said O’Gallagher. “The frontman got back on the mic and asked if anyone missed him, but other than the bartender counting tips, there was nobody left watching the show. Those idiots must’ve passed out backstage or something because everyone had left at least an hour ago. When the guitarist threw up right where I just mopped, that’s when I knew I wasn’t getting home on time.”

Wet Socks drummer Austin Kraus admitted he was surprised by the lack of audience.

“We were the fucking headliners, and nobody stuck around? Clearly, this janitor abused his power and ran everyone out of the venue before they could hear our Dead Boys cover,” said Kraus. “Then he had the nerve to turn on the house lights while we were on stage, so we looked like a bunch of morons doing a well-choreographed soundcheck. He didn’t even clap after for us — it sort of looked like he might be dancing at one point, but I think that was just his natural sweeping motion.”

Venue manager Em Scappichio had to pay O’Gallagher for overtime, thanks to the band’s inability to read a room.

“We’re a pretty small venue: we don’t book rock stars. So it’s crazy to me anyone thinks they should play an encore to begin with,” said Scappichio. “As soon as someone says, ‘Thank you, goodnight,’ everyone here starts packing up and heading to the parking lot. Nobody came here to see a four hour Phish concert — just play your 22 minutes of crap and move on. Now my payroll is super fucked up. Thankfully, the band was willing to be paid in drink tickets and chicken nuggets.”

At press time, members of Wet Socks hatched a plan to avoid future embarrassment by only playing encores on shows where they are not the closing band.

Woman Calls Guitar Center in Search of Missing Father

Posted on by Freelancer

WHITE PLAINS, N.Y. — Local woman Eloise Mandeel called Guitar Center this morning in hopes that an employee would tell her the whereabouts of her estranged musician father, depressed sources confirm.

“My dad walked out on us when I was born, and I’ve always wanted to meet him… but my mom said he’s ‘bad news’ and never let me try to find him,” said Mandeel. “But I’m 18 now, so I called Guitar Center to start my search, hoping someone there could maybe help me finally find him. I figured he’s probably played ‘Smoke on the Water’ in at least one of them.”

Guitar Center employee Ricky Goldman was confused by the sudden responsibility of reuniting a distressed teenager with the father she only met once, but was too small to remember.

“Usually, people call to ask if we have a certain guitar in stock or about the status of a repair… so when I picked up the phone and it was a hysterically crying girl asking if some dude named Steve Loughran was on our email listerv, I was pretty thrown off,” said Goldman. “I checked it out, and it turns out he is one of our rewards members. But a couple more phone calls revealed that the dude got into a bar fight with my friend Ronnie, so fuck him. Plus, he’s in a Dio cover band, so I figure it’s for the best if she never meets him.”

While Mandeel’s mother Veronica wishes her daughter didn’t search for her father at all, she’s particularly upset that the search began with the music retailer chain.

“Her dad wore silver chains, K.I.S.S. T-shirts, and railed a ton of cocaine every day. I’m just looking out for her,” Veronica said. “I also know Guitar Center’s now going to spam her email with ‘limited-time offers,’ and, frankly, I can’t afford to buy her a drum kit. I really hope this whole ‘trying to identify with her missing father’ thing is just a phase.”

At press time, the younger Mandeel was planning to expand her search to Craigslist’s “community” section, while her father was most likely getting arrested for disorderly conduct at an indeterminate location.

Joker Overtakes Pulp Fiction in Dorm Room Poster Rankings

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

NEW YORK — The wall decor world was stunned this week when the American Poster Society revealed that 2019’s Joker has already overtaken Quentin Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction on a majority of dorm room walls, knocking the cult film poster out of its top-ranked its helped since the movie’s release in 1994.

“Fight Club and Boondock Saints gave Pulp Fiction a good run for its money, but Joker was the first to actually do it,” poster enthusiast Ray Marshall said. “We haven’t seen numbers like this since John Belushi’s Animal House poster in ‘78. One of the all-time classic posters.”

College bookstores all over the country have reported that Joker posters sold out in record time. 

“We were not prepared to meet the demand,” New York University Bookstore employee Lydia Rockwell said. “I mean, we still have piles of unsold Scarface and Goodfellas posters, but no one’s buying them. Thank god we stopped ordering Dark Knight posters last year or we’d be buried in them.”

Columbia College Chicago’s incoming flock of freshman film students have reportedly been hanging the posters two at a time due to both roommates bringing their own.

“My roommate brought the stairs one but, like, everyone has that one,” Columbia College Chicago student Gavin Lee said. “But I have the more artistic one that is just a bit of the Joker’s face at the bottom, which I think is more artistic and reflects the symbolism of the character’s mindset. If you study film like me, you’d understand.”

With Joker dominating the list, unfortunately the poster for the 2001 film Donnie Darko has officially been knocked out of the top 10. Director Richard Kelly was clearly upset about this unfortunate news.

“Please stop talking to me about fucking Donnie Darko,” Kelly said via phone. “I made that movie eighteen years ago. Jesus Christ. Why doesn’t anyone ever ask me about Southland Tales or The Box?”

Vegas is reportedly offering 3 to 5 odds on the Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) poster making the top ten by end of first quarter 2020.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Rising Cost of Rent Forces Couple to Become Poly

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

SAN FRANCISCO — Formerly monogamous couple Corinne Pickett and Rob Laban have embraced a life of polyamory, opening up their relationship to help offset their rising cost of living.

“Neither of us is especially thrilled by this development, but at this point, we’ve exhausted every other option,” noted Pickett as she unenthusiastically swiped through Tinder. “Our apartment is only a one bedroom, so a roommate was out of the question… then, we got second jobs, but we were always working, so we never had time to see each other anymore. A friend gave me a copy of ‘The Ethical Slut’ and suggested we give this a go. It seems incredibly complicated and, quite frankly, I don’t have the mental energy to try this, but it’s either this or move in with Rob’s parents.”

The couple have set strict criteria for any potential new romantic partners, which include a steady job, proof of income, 40 months worth of rent in the bank, and not spending much time around the house.

“I was really excited for a new relationship, but these two are way too fucking uptight,” stated potential partner Kate Holloway. “The guy just kept asking me if I had references and pay stubs. And when I tried to kiss him at the end of the night, his wife kept giving me dirty looks. I thought maybe she was feeling left out, but when I moved into to kiss her, she got really uncomfortable and pulled away. It’s like they didn’t even want to do this.”

According to some estimates, the majority of Americans are expected to embrace alternative lifestyles by 2025 as the cost of living in major cities continues to inflate.

“Look, right now you have a ton of employers using the gig and freelance economy as a common hiring practice. Similarly, people are going to be forced to explore their sexuality in ways they never envisioned,” said Brookings fellow Lisa Harden. “In addition to having roommates well into their 30s, more couples each year are doing cam shows and looking for daddys. I myself have been living in a neo-pagan artistic commune for the past two years just to make ends meet.”

At press time, Pickett and Laban were reportedly seen hanging back by the buffet at a neighborhood orgy.

Is This Guy Bothering You? Because Now It’s My Turn

Posted on by Dustin Meadows

Hey guy, take a fucking hint! The lady doesn’t wanna talk to you. I don’t care what she’s wearing. That doesn’t give you an excuse you goddamn creep. Now tell your story walking before I knock your teeth out.

Jeez, some guys, you know? Anyway, now that he’s out of the picture and I’ve finally got you alone, what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this? Don’t move my hand off your leg, I’m busy touching that tattoo. Did your boyfriend pay for it? Just kidding, you wouldn’t dress like that if you had a boyfriend.

What? No way! I’m nothing like that other dude. I’m totally different. Frankly I’m offended that you’d even lump me in with some clueless dipshit like that. You clearly weren’t interested in that dopey mouth breather, that’s why I chased him off for you. Some people might say that at least entitles me to some of your time, you know? Not me though, I would never say that out loud. I’m an ally.

Look, look. I just wanna talk to you and get to know you a little bit, alright? Isn’t that the whole point of hanging out in bars? Lemme get you a drink. No, really, it’s not a big deal, just let me buy you a, uh, what is that, a gin & tonic? Sex on the beach? Speaking of sex on the beach, how about you and me- oh, it’s a whiskey & coke.

You like the band they’re playing on the jukebox? I used to be into their first couple albums, but their newer stuff kinda sucks. Oh yeah, I know a lot about music. No, no, I’m pretty sure this is the same band and not a different artist every song. Omg you’re so cute trying to talk about music! I love that! You should come over to my house and check out my record collection sometime. Hell, what’re you doing tonight? My docket’s wide open if you just wanna come back and listen to some Belle & Sebastian, maybe fool around-

Hey, I’m just trying to make conversation! Don’t be so stuck up. Look, if I leave you alone one of these other vultures is gonna swoop in and then you’re just back at square one! The fact that I’m not expecting compensation of some sort at least entitles me to a handjob.

Listen, you’re being super uncool about all of this, and I personally don’t like this word, but honestly, you’re kinda acting empowered about this whole thing.

Look, I’ve been polite to you, I offered to buy you a drink, I invited you back to my place so we could listen to records and bang each other- wait, who the fuck is this guy?

“Boyfriend?” Yeah, right. Oh, you’re actually her boyfriend. Wow. You know, you could’ve said something from the beginning, lady. Thanks a lot for wasting my fucking time!

Mathcore Band Sets Time Signature Back for Daylight Saving Time

Posted on by Bobby Korec

MEDFORD, N.Y. — Mathcore band A Murder Among Friends observed the biannual Daylight Saving Time rule today by reluctantly setting the time signatures back on each of their songs, frustrated sources confirmed.

“It’s a real pain setting a 5/4 time signature to a 4/4,” drummer Michael Ampen said in between tapping his snare drum while others were talking. “And it’s a little strange that I have to change up my entire life to accommodate a few farmers. Sure, they get more daylight in the morning, and I guess setting back our time signatures makes our music more accessible for them. Actually, that must be why we have such a huge fanbase in the agriculture industry.”

Fans of the mathcore band have long been annoyed by the time signature changes and question the purpose of it altogether.

“Bands are already ending their sets earlier and earlier this time of year,” A Murder Among Friends fan Dorian Grahamson said. “It just sucks when Daylight Savings comes around and I have to readjust to my favorite band’s time signatures. What’s even worse is that I literally just got used to things from the last time they set them ahead last March.”

Music historians have long documented the troubles of bands required to observe Daylight Saving Time.

“Mathcore bands experience the most accidents during live shows the day after setting their time signatures back this time of year,” music critic Lindsay Turnabean said. “But what can they do? This has been the process since ancient civilizations started doing it long ago and you can’t just stop antiquated systems. You just have to keep abiding by its rules and never question it.”

“Reminds me of when Converge were recording an album, and midway through were forced to set their time signatures back during the semiannual practice,” Turnabean continued. “The result was half an album of offbeat, sonically rich chaos, and the other half a 4/4 basic tempo that sounded like REM. Such a bummer.”

At press time, A Murder Among Friends were discussing relocating to Arizona, where time signature Daylight Saving Time rules aren’t observed.

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