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Is This Guy Bothering You? Because Now It’s My Turn

Hey guy, take a fucking hint! The lady doesn’t wanna talk to you. I don’t care what she’s wearing. That doesn’t give you an excuse you goddamn creep. Now tell your story walking before I knock your teeth out.

Jeez, some guys, you know? Anyway, now that he’s out of the picture and I’ve finally got you alone, what’s a girl like you doing in a place like this? Don’t move my hand off your leg, I’m busy touching that tattoo. Did your boyfriend pay for it? Just kidding, you wouldn’t dress like that if you had a boyfriend.

What? No way! I’m nothing like that other dude. I’m totally different. Frankly I’m offended that you’d even lump me in with some clueless dipshit like that. You clearly weren’t interested in that dopey mouth breather, that’s why I chased him off for you. Some people might say that at least entitles me to some of your time, you know? Not me though, I would never say that out loud. I’m an ally.

Look, look. I just wanna talk to you and get to know you a little bit, alright? Isn’t that the whole point of hanging out in bars? Lemme get you a drink. No, really, it’s not a big deal, just let me buy you a, uh, what is that, a gin & tonic? Sex on the beach? Speaking of sex on the beach, how about you and me- oh, it’s a whiskey & coke.

You like the band they’re playing on the jukebox? I used to be into their first couple albums, but their newer stuff kinda sucks. Oh yeah, I know a lot about music. No, no, I’m pretty sure this is the same band and not a different artist every song. Omg you’re so cute trying to talk about music! I love that! You should come over to my house and check out my record collection sometime. Hell, what’re you doing tonight? My docket’s wide open if you just wanna come back and listen to some Belle & Sebastian, maybe fool around-

Hey, I’m just trying to make conversation! Don’t be so stuck up. Look, if I leave you alone one of these other vultures is gonna swoop in and then you’re just back at square one! The fact that I’m not expecting compensation of some sort at least entitles me to a handjob.

Listen, you’re being super uncool about all of this, and I personally don’t like this word, but honestly, you’re kinda acting empowered about this whole thing.

Look, I’ve been polite to you, I offered to buy you a drink, I invited you back to my place so we could listen to records and bang each other- wait, who the fuck is this guy?

“Boyfriend?” Yeah, right. Oh, you’re actually her boyfriend. Wow. You know, you could’ve said something from the beginning, lady. Thanks a lot for wasting my fucking time!