Man Knocked Out by Agent 47 Starts New Life After Waking Up Next to Chef Outfit

MIAMI — 35-year-old Francisco Guerreros has been living a new life as a chef after a chance encounter with a killer-for-hire left the former security guard without his clothes. The incident occurred last November, as Guerreros patrolled the office building that had employed him for the past ten years.

“I was walking through a back hallway when I heard a coin being dropped in a nearby secluded room,” said Guerreros. “I found the clinking noise incredibly suspicious, so I dropped everything to investigate. That’s the last thing I remember before waking up on the ground.”

Security camera footage shows Guerreros walking into the room and picking up the coin, before being ambushed and knocked unconscious by a bald man dressed as a chef. The attacker, later identified by authorities as the legendary Agent 47, then stuffed Guerreros in a nearby locker after stealing his security guard uniform.

“When I came to, all the alarms were going off,” reminisced Guerreros, whose ineptitude that afternoon led to several deaths. “When I crawled out of that locker, I immediately came to two realizations. One, my job as a security guard was probably over. And two, my attacker had left his chef outfit behind… and it was just my size.”

Guerreros put on the outfit and quickly exited the premises, heading to nearby four-star French restaurant, where he used the chef’s outfit to begin working in the kitchen, despite never being interviewed or hired.

“We never suspected,” said coworker and sous chef, Mitch Simonsen. “How could we? He was wearing the appropriate outfit for the kitchen area! And if anyone did get suspicious, he would just blend in by stirring a pot or chopping vegetables until they forgot what they were worried about.”

After several months, the guilt of his subterfuge became too much to bear and Guerreros revealed the truth to his coworkers. To his surprise, they accepted him.

“He had proved himself by this point,” said head chef, Danny Saunders. “Plus, I respected his hustle. Everybody lies on their resume, but it takes real balls to use evidence from an open murder investigation to sneak into a kitchen and work there undetected.”

Now that he’s no longer living a lie, Guerreros says he is happy for the first time in his life. He also believes it’s only a matter of time before he’s promoted to head chef.  

“I think it will happen within the next couple of months,” he said. “I just need to figure out how to get Saunders alone so I can steal his outfit.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

GG Allin’s Journals Reveal He Also Smeared Shit on His Journals

MANCHESTER, N.H — Recently discovered journals belonging to the late GG Allin revealed surprising new details about the singer’s creative process, as well as the fact that he smeared shit on everything he owned, disgusted yet intrigued sources confirmed.

“A work crew was demoing a house the Cedar Street Sluts rented for a time, and one of the workers found a box filled with dry throw-up under some shit-covered blankets near the furnace,” said Juha Kivela, a local record store clerk who took custody of the journals. “When I heard about the discovery, I ran to the job site and grabbed the box before we lost a piece of punk history. I scraped some shit off the box, opened it up, and found a few shit-smeared trinkets and these notebooks — which were also smeared with shit.”

Research analysts are attempting to decipher what was written in the journals and study the organic matter smeared all over them.

“We can make out bits of what could be poetry, or more likely song lyrics,” said forensic biologist Aryn Carr. “Although we will never know, because every page is almost totally covered in shit. I’m talking completely caked here — like full BMs between pages.”

“We’ve also found a whole host of undescribed species that have been feeding off the excrement for years,” she noted. “They are mostly harmless bacteria, but we have also isolated a new strain of the Hep virus… which we had no choice but to name Hepatitis GG.”

Fans of the shock-rock pioneer, who died in June of 1993, are pleased to have another piece of Allin to add to his legacy.

“It’s a really big deal that he kept his journals and treated them exactly like he would a fan or a bandmate,” said Dan “Tapeworm” Poole, a longtime member of the GG Allin fan club The Murder Junkies Junkies. “Some of his detractors have said his stage presence was all an act, and that when he was at home he was perfectly normal. I think these journals prove he was a complete psycho in desperate need of help.”

Meanwhile, nearby residents are currently quarantined after a mattress covered in urine, blood, and semen that allegedly belonged to Allin slipped out of it’s protective casing and released a cloud of toxic dust into the community.

Vegan Wonders What the Fuck They Ever Did to Everybody

PORTSMOUTH, N.H. — Local vegan Jay Ortega openly wondered yesterday what the fuck he ever did to everybody after being ridiculed by an employee at a local café for asking for clarification about their menu.

“I just asked what their vegan options were, and the douchebag behind the counter says, ‘They just mowed the grass outside. I could put that on a plate for you, but there might be ants in there and I don’t want you having a shit fit.’ Like, so sorry I ruined your day by drinking fucking soy milk,” a frustrated Ortega explained. “Nobody ever says shit to my paleo friends, or makes a gluten-free person watch while they eat a big bite of garlic bread. There’s an entire subreddit dedicated to making fun of vegans — why do they fucking care what I eat for breakfast?”

The “Antivegan” subreddit currently has over 5,000 members, and consists entirely of memes mocking the vegan diet and way of life.

“God, I can’t fucking stand vegans. They’re the most obnoxious people on the planet,” wrote BaconBoy2004, an admin of the subreddit. “It’s all they ever talk about. Everyone’s sick of it — I’m in three other subreddits, six Facebook groups and run a YouTube channel, all for people who’ve had enough of vegans always bragging about how vegan they are.”

While vegan harassment is nothing new, technological advancements may have played a part in making it more commonplace.

“Back in the early ’90s, it was maybe once a month there would be an incident,” recalled Matt Becker, a 30-year vegan veteran and author of four vegan cookbooks. “Some people would ask if I had an iron deficiency; others would throw chicken nuggets at me as I walked down the street. The internet made it constant, though: last year, somebody spray painted ‘Veggies Go Home’ outside of my house, and when I called the cops to report it, they told me, ‘Eat a porkchop and quit being such a baby.’ So that’s cool.”

An investigation of anti-vegan internet content revealed that more than half of the followers of the associated groups have suffered severe finger injuries due to frantically typing, “Doctors say Impossible meat isn’t healthy!” in comment sections everywhere.

We Interviewed Crust Punk Icon Stoop Kid From ‘Hey Arnold’

Recently, the Hard Times sat down, on a concrete staircase, with one of the most influential voices in the history of crust punk, Stoop Kid, who was featured in the second half of Episode 3 of the 90’s Nickelodeon cartoon ‘Hey Arnold.’

Hard Times: Stoop Kid, you’ve influenced so many prominent voices in the crust punk genre, it could be said that you embody the pure ethos of crust itself. So let us just ask you, is Stoop Kid afraid to leave his stoop?

Stoop Kid: I’m glad you asked that. As you are probably aware there are many issues surrounding squatter’s rights in this country. Many crust punks have faced forced removals, and with the worsening condition of access to housing, it’s natural to feel trepidation at the prospect of leaving knowing that one’s sense of shelter and security could disappear.

Uh, yeah. Anyway, how is it that you’ve become such an icon when, as we all know, Stoop Kid’s afraid to leave his stoop?

Well, not to be modest, but I wouldn’t really call myself an icon. Sure, maybe Behind Enemy Lines or Leftover Crack took a few notes from my early work, but to get into the core of crust punk you have to go back to Discharge, Crass or even Gauze. They’re the real icons.

Alright, here’s a shot in the dark. We heard a legend that you grew from a crack in the concrete on this very stoop years ago. Is that true, and is that why Stoop Kid’s afraid to leave his stoop?

(Choking up) Sorry, I don’t often open about this, but you just seem so sincere. In truth, I had a pretty rough childhood. My father was killed in a pedicab collision and my mother was born without hands. Eventually, she wasn’t able to care for me and left me here on this stoop. Through punk I developed a DIY mentality and was able to survive, nay, thrive on my own, without the overbearing conformity of the corporate state turning me into a puppet. In a way, by remaining on this stoop I’ve achieved real freedom.

Goddammit! Is Stoop Kid afraid to leave his stoop?!

… Chomsky would argue that fear is predicated by the hegemonic degradation of our natural instinct for cooperation.

Fuck you.

 

Beto O’Rourke Uses Leftover Campaign Funds to Open Zumiez Franchise

AUSTIN, Texas — Former Democratic Presidential hopeful Beto O’Rourke announced in a press conference today that he’ll use the remainder of his campaign funds to open a Zumiez franchise in the Lakeline Mall in Austin, Texas.

“This past week I had a lot of soul searching to do,” the Texas congressman told supporters and journalists. “I kept coming back to this idea of service: what does it mean for me to be in service to others? I realized my service isn’t in the Senate, and it certainly isn’t in the White House — no, my service to the community is to open Austin’s first Zumiez that isn’t one of the other two Zumiez in Austin.”

The emotional O’Rourke, once a rising star in the Democratic party, claimed that some of his best memories were spent arguing with his friends about skateboards.

“We’d debate which one of us had the best bearings, whose trucks were the least scratched, and why today probably wasn’t a good day to take our boards out on the streets,” O’Rourke said. “I want to bring that same experience to children who need it, provided they don’t abuse the free sticker policy.”

Zumiez representative Ryan Guerrero conveyed the brand’s excitement to partner with O’Rourke.

“Since he won’t get to open a presidential library, I can’t think of a better way to commemorate Beto’s political legacy than this unique lifestyle retail brand based around action sports,” said Guerrero. “This will be a one-stop shop for all the kids with ‘radical’ political beliefs, and ‘radical’ moves at the skate park.”

The grand opening, planned for next Thursday, will feature a three-foot quarter-pipe near the food court dumpster and performances by Yellowcard, Switchfoot, and Austin’s premiere PG-rated Rancid cover band, Kinda Stinky.

Deeply Personal Meaning Behind Tattoo Changed Once Again

KANSAS CITY, Mo. — The deeply personal and profound meaning behind local man Trent Williams’ “actually not stupid or impulsive” tattoo has once again changed, eye-rolling sources confirmed.

“It’s not hard to understand: the skeleton in the dune buggy shooting a flaming crossbow represents how we’re all moving forward to the grave. The Bruce Lee with the body of Tony the Tiger symbolizes how, like… we’re all, uhh… you know. Cogs in a machine? And that’s always what it meant. I mean, obviously, right?” said Williams. “My tattoos are basically the story of me. If you can’t figure out why the skeleton is saying, ‘Where’s the beef?’ to a gangsta Spongebob, then you don’t get me.”

Friend and person sick of Williams’ bullshit Manny Wilkinson has seen firsthand how the tattoo has changed through the years.

“At this point, the story behind the tat is more complicated than anything George R.R. Martin could ever dream up. And if a girl asks him about the tattoo and he starts going off, you can basically kiss your own chances of getting laid goodbye,” said Wilkinson. “That ugly tattoo has symbolized everything from how much he hates his dad, to how much he loves him, to his feelings on MLB adding instant replay. One time at a karaoke bar, he claimed the tattoo was about how much he loved the song ‘99 Luftballons,’ but then said that wasn’t canon after he sobered up.”

Williams’ tattoo artist Leila Khan admitted she’s had many similarly impulsive, thoughtless clients.

“Oh, yeah, I see this crap all the time. Some dumbass kid who just turned 18 has a ‘unique’ idea for a tattoo, or some frat boys get an inside joke on their calfs,” said Khan. “I don’t have the heart to tell them their ideas are dumb and they will definitely regret it. Plus, I like money, so…”

At press time, Williams was no longer claiming his complicated tattoo partially symbolizes his Irish heritage, after a DNA test proved he is actually Scottish and Italian.

Study: ‘Pregnancy Glow’ Reportedly Just Side Effect of Not Drinking Everyday

BALTIMORE — A new study conducted by researchers at Johns Hopkins University confirmed that the mysterious glow many women experience during their early months of pregnancy is merely a byproduct of not getting “totally sloppy wasted” every day.

“We’d always assumed it was a hormonal response,” said lead researcher Dr. Charlene Mathis. “We quickly realized, however, that the glow had less to do with hormones and more to do with not drinking cocktails named after natural disasters night after night for years on end.”

Abstaining from drugs and alcohol during pregnancy can prevent complications like fetal alcohol syndrome, cleft palates, placental abruption and miscarriage. Somehow, however, abstinence adds to an overall improvement in the health of the expecting mother, according to the Department of Gynecology & Obstetrics at John Hopkins University.

“Not doing drugs really gives skin that ‘it’ factor, which is reason enough to stop sprinkling Xanax in your bowl hits,” argued Mathis. “Test subjects who chose not to abstain from drugs or alcohol during their pregnancies had more fun, but did not experience the much-mythicized glow, and went on to have babies with very small heads.”

Indeed, 100% of subjects who abstained from drugs and alcohol while pregnant reported feeling happier, healthier and smelling better than they had in years.

“I’d heard horror stories about bloating and morning sickness from friends, but since becoming pregnant, I’ve never been less bloated or nauseous in my life,” said test subject and former “hardcore partier” Sheryl Sandoval. “Before getting knocked up, I was eating three, maybe four bags of Totino’s Pizza Rolls a week after stumbling home from The Levee, but these pregnancy cravings are making me want all kinds of weird things — like water, and chia seeds.”

In addition to improvements to their physical health, subjects reported feeling better mentally and emotionally.

“I didn’t think our marriage could survive the mood swings and mounting pressure of a newborn, but things have never been smoother between me and my partner,” said fellow test subject Lola Casey. “Since becoming pregnant, we haven’t fought in a single parking lot or leveled emotional blackmail against each other once.”

“If only there was a way for this glow to last more than nine months,” added Casey.

No This Isn’t a Fucking Joker Costume

Before one more of you idiots even asks me tonight, let me just set the record straight: no I am not dressed as the Joker for Halloween. I am a three-time Twisted Metal champion, and my culture is not your fucking costume. 

I’m sick of not getting the respect I deserve. Did you know my name’s not even Sweet Tooth? It’s Needles. Needles Kane. No one has called me Needles since the first adaptation of me and the boys’ exploits dropped in ‘95, though. And while I do appreciate the popularity, it’s hard not to be disturbed when none of your fans even know your name. Maybe I should fucking giggle more, I don’t know! 

Why does everyone love the Joker so damn much in the first place? That character went decades without a relevant film portrayal while I was shooting missiles at cars and rampaging all over the world. Where’s my following of goons? Oh, you inspired the criminal underworld of Gotham? Okay, cute, I knocked the fucking Eiffel Tower over. What else you got?

Do you remember that amazing part in The Dark Knight when Joker is in a big ass van with a rocket launcher and is blowing other vehicles up on the highway? Such a great sequence. My favorite part was how that is literally a scene from my daily life, you fucking hack.  

Also, why would I build such an elaborately incorrect Joker costume? People see a god damned burning flame on my head and think I’m playing comic book dress up. It’s madness. And I should know madness, my father drove Dark Tooth! Say, I didn’t see that new movie, was Joaquin Phoenix’s head on fire the whole time? Maybe I’m the huge asshole here. Oh, it wasn’t? Got ya. 

So for the first and last time this year, no, this is not my Halloween costume, and no I am not the stupid Joker. I’m going as The Big Lebowski this year.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

We Interview the Only Drummer Who Doesn’t Practice Fills While People Are Trying to Have a Conversation

In the 1890’s, Ivan Pavlov discovered that he could cause dogs to salivate at his command by associating food with the ringing of a bell. This shifted the assumed dominance of hard-wired instincts vs learned behaviors. But one human instinct has gone unchallenged as unshakable until today: the compulsion for a drummer to practice a fill while other band members are trying to have a serious, useful discussion.

We have an exclusive interview with drummer Dirk Sabatino of the post-hardcore band Possible Cousins whose gift may shatter the psychology world.

THE HARD TIMES: How did you discover that you could overcome the primal instinct to drum while people are trying to talk?

SABATINO: The first time I ever let a band conversation occur without interruption, I was daydreaming about that scene in Jackass Number Two where Ryan Dunn tries to stick his balls to an ice sculpture of a horse. Everyone else in Possible Cousins was talking about trying to get booked opening for Refused or some bullshit that doesn’t affect me. But when they stopped talking and asked me what I thought, we all suddenly realized the miracle that had just happened.

Astonishing. What did you do next?

I immediately emailed Dr. Jane Goodall, who I’ve know ever since I participated in a research study where she compared the communcation styles of chimpanzees with hardcore drummers. She immediately flew out to Charleston to sit in on one of our band practices. 

And Dr. Goodall was able to recreate this phenomenon under laboratory conditions? 

Eventually, yes. At first, the results were disappointing. Every time the band tried to discuss the form of a song, I was overcome with the need to play the beginning of Led Zeppelin’s “Rock and Roll.” But towards the end of practice, there was a discussion about kicking Garrett out of the band because he never practices. Lo and behold, I didn’t hit a single drum. A single tear rolled down Dr. Goodall’s cheek.

What’s next in terms of research?

I’m heading to the Jane Goodall Institute in Virginia in the hopes that scientists can isolate the genetic mutation that allows me this gift, and create some sort of vaccine for future generations of drummers to shut the fuck up while people are talking.

Well that is exciting. Mr. Sabatino we thank you for your time and…

(Obnoxious drum fill) Sorry. 

We’ll see ourselves out. 

Hot Guy’s Thor Halloween Costume Makes No Fucking Sense

MEMPHIS, Tenn. — A perfectly symmetrical, toned, effortlessly attractive man drew criticism from the schlub community this weekend after he was spotted at a local Halloween event wearing a store-bought Thor costume.

Witnesses have identified the man as local hot guy Jackson Thorpe, 26, who allegedly bought the costume at a local Halloween pop-up shop on the way to the party. Various schlubs, oafs and dopes have called his costume choice “egregiously insensitive.”

“A guy like that can’t just go around dressed as Thor anymore, not after this past year. We sweaty losers finally have a legitimate superhero costume we can wear that isn’t Clark Kent, Oogie Boogie, or Mr. Incredible,” said Luke Burke, a local man whose “Fat Thor” costume faded in comparison to the skin tight fabric rippling over Thorpe’s torso. “Even that one, you kind of need to be a dad for.”

The costume drew immediate reactions from members of the schlub community in attendance at the party, most of them wearing no costumes at all, or orange t-shirts with older-looking navy blazers on top of them. Sources claimed they had already been infuriated about “the possibility of this even happening” in the Uber Pool to the party.

“He’s basically the Scarlett Johansson of this party right now,” added Terrell Zane, Burke’s friend and only plus one, ever, to anything for the past several years.

According to those familiar with the situation, the toned adonis was seen shouting “THIS. IS. SPARTA!” in an Instagram story while a group of people surrounding him laughed loudly, clapped, and started chanting “He-Man! He-Man! He-Man!”

“This has gotten completely out of hand,” said Burke. “I mean, I think he called it ‘Rag & Rock’ at some point, doesn’t want to get into my theories about how Cap might’ve returned the soul stone, and I’m not even sure if he’s seen any of the Thor movies. You shouldn’t get to dress as Thor until you’ve forced yourself to enjoy The Dark World.” 

The press was not able to get a comment from Thorpe, the objectively attractive and seemingly friendly, overall happy person dressed as Thor. However, he did ask one reporter, “Hey man, have you seen my mallet?”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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