Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

‘98 Civic Apparently Not Classic Enough for Rockabilly Scene Cred

Posted on November 1, 2019 by John Dixon

DAYTON, Ohio — Local car enthusiast Daniel Wagner learned yesterday that his customized 1998 Honda Civic is not yet “classic” enough to earn him respect in the local rockabilly scene, sources running a comb through their slicked back hair confirmed.

”I don’t understand how these people could possibly not see this car for the classic it is,” Wagner said, perched on the hood of the “8-ball black” hatchback adorned with fuzzy dice hanging off the rear view mirror and flame decals. “I mean, beyond being nearly perfect off the assembly line, I’ve put a lot of work into this thing getting it all stanced out — chromed rims, performance exhaust system… not to mention my ‘Daddy-O’ vanity plate.”

Indeed, attendees of the weekly Sunday morning rockabilly enthusiast meetup in the Kroger parking lot expressed their distaste — as well as their opinion that the imported subcompact car didn’t mesh with their established theme.

“I’m sure that fella put lots of time, effort, and money into fixing that vehicle up… but dammit, that little thing just ain’t a real automobile,” said Jimmy Bell, the “leader of the pack” in the local rockabilly community. “Now, my 1959 Galaxie 500 Sasha with restored upholstery and her original paint job? That right there is a 100% American, slick, and rockin’-as-hell vehicle. Just looking at this beauty makes me want to jump, jive — and you better believe, wail.”

Bell added, “Hell, the Reverend Horton Heat even wrote a song about the Galaxie. He ever write a song about a Civic? Has anybody?”

News of the dispute spread across the Dayton scene, even reaching the ears of local master mechanic and car historian Richard Black.

“I know both of those guys are proud of their cars and all, but when you get right down to it, there’s not much remarkable about either one,” Black said. “Honestly, the only impressive thing is just how much time and money these guys poured into these vehicles that’ll maybe raise an eyebrow or two in some people with really niche interests… and even then it’s a tossup. With the price of gas these days, give me the Civic all day — that thing will be on the road forever.”

At press time, Wagner was challenging Bell and his crew to a street race around “Dead Man’s Curve” in order to secure his place in the community.

Nintendo Sues Child Dressed as Mario for Halloween

Posted on October 31, 2019 by Alex Mac Kee

SEATTLE — Nine-year-old Timothy Kim is being sued by Nintendo in a massive copyright claim after going trick-or-treating today as the popular character Mario Mario.

“Mr. Kim may only be a child, but dressing as a character that we own is a serious violation of our rights,” said Nintendo lawyer Mark Stanford. “Mr. Kim is not iconic Nintendo character Mario Mario. And yet, he is attempting to represent our intellectual property in an official manner, parading his outfit all around town for all to see. He’s even making money off our character, if you think of candy as money, and we do. We will not let this stand.”

According to Kim’s mother Linda, Timothy made the costume himself out of fabrics he purchased.

“Timmy loves Mario. He just wanted to show everyone his creativity,” Linda Kim said. “I don’t get why Nintendo cares so much about this! And I don’t even mean the lawsuit, but the constant men in suits clearly staking out our home. I catch them hiding in our bushes and going through our mail… they even tailed my car on the way over here.”

“I guess it’s true what they say about making unofficial fan costumes,” Kim continued, looking off. “Shut the fuck up.”

As of press time, nine-year-old Timothy King said that he’s just happy they didn’t find the Donkey Kong Country fan-mod he has been slaving over since he was seven.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Photo via Flickr.

Tom Waits Giving out Rusted Harmonicas to Any Trick-or-Treaters Who Visit Him at Haunted Junkyard

Posted on October 31, 2019 by Dustin Meadows

POMONA, Calif. — Trick-or-treaters visiting the haunted junkyard behind Old Man Clemens’ house were rewarded with rusted harmonicas handed out by rascal king Tom Waits, frightened sources confirmed.

“When I was a kid growing up inside of a homeless tornado, I never got any candy for Halloween,” said Waits, holding a novelty pumpkin full of well-worn harmonicas. “All I got was railroad spikes, cans of beans, the occasional necktie fashioned from barbed wire… and if I was really lucky, a half-full bottle of moonshine that gave you the ability to play the piano like your fingers were possessed by a Louisiana devil that couldn’t carry a tune.”

“Nowadays, kids got their Twix bars and Reese’s and M&Ms. One of my earliest Halloween memories was watching my Pappy lose custody of me to a snake oil salesman in a knife fight. My first wife was a cursed jukebox, but hell, who am I to complain?” added Waits.

Alyssa Diaz, one of the trick-or-treaters, was among the many disappointed in the unorthodox treat.

“I always heard from older kids that the haunted junkyard was the scariest place in town. I never believed them, but I now I know I should never go back,” said Diaz. “I almost got ripped apart by a bunch of coyotes whose card game I apparently interrupted. Then, this dude with a gravelly voice came walking out of a busted refrigerator playing a mandolin and shouting, ‘Ya got the music in ya! Don’t let them fat cats take it away!’ I’ve never run that fast before.”

Dr. Michael Cantele, a local authority on both Waits and the supernatural, weighed in on the Bohemian hobo’s strange gifts to the children.

“For as long as anyone can remember, there’s always been a Tom Waits in our midst and there always will be. The curse can be passed on by killing the current Waits and absorbing his life force — it can be transmitted to somebody if Tom Waits bites them on a full moon,” said Dr. Cantele. “And of course, if you accept one of his harmonicas and play any classic American murder ballad, you’ll change into Tom Waits the next time you hear an orphan train sound its lonesome whistle.”

At press time, a rag-tag group of paranormal investigators with a large dog were attempting to unmask the ghastly junkyard Waits before being scared away by a gang of mummies.

Ranking the Top 5 Podcast Costumes You’ll Have to Explain All Night

Posted on October 31, 2019 by Alex Salcido

Halloween is right around the corner and you want to stand out. Every year we see the same old costumes- a generic horror movie monster, a sexy version of a blue collar profession, a person of another race, etc. Don’t be like everyone else! You’re better and more clever than that. And do you know why? Because you listen to podcasts, that’s why.

Here are the top five podcast costumes you’ll have to explain all night.

5. John B McLemore, S-Town:
Straight out of Woodstock, Alabama, the tragic and enigmatic horologist from hit podcast “S-Town.” Cover yourself in torture tattoos, get your nipples pierced, mess with all the clocks in the house and rant to your friends about how much of their lives they’ve already lost, just by being a cog in the industrial machine.

4. Jason Mantzoukas, How Did This Get Made:
This year, go into October 31st screaming “What’s Up, Jerks!” and pay tribute to How Did This Get Made’s Jason Mantzoukas. Try and convince your friends that they’re all actually dead and in a ‘Jacob’s Ladder’ scenario. Take advantage of the Halloween season to greet people with a hearty “Heynong Man,” as well as scream things like “Let me see that baby!” and “GEOSTORM!”

3. True Crime Podcast Research Assistant:
This costume has it all – unisex, cheap, easy, and fun. You don’t need much to take on the persona of ‘emotionally weathered research assistant.’ Simply apply makeup to look like you haven’t slept in a month, while holstering a stack of folders, a bottle of whiskey, and a borderline inappropriate passion for the grizzliest of true crime murder details – all of which you share with EVERYONE, so study up!

2. MeUndies Ad:
Just go around in your underwear, giving everyone you come in contact with a small piece of paper that reads the promo code DOUGHBOYS.

1. Marc Maron & Boomer, WTF:
Get yourself a friend and a cat suit so you can reunite Marc Maron with his estranged, beloved Boomer. Pay respects to the monumental ‘WTF with Marc Maron’ as you and Boomer run around playing guitar, interrupting conversations, and still managing to find things to complain about. Boomer Lives!

Bonus Costume: Matt McCusker, Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast:
Show your ability to lay low in style! Your costume of a t-shirt, jeans, and maybe a hat will leave you saying, “Have you heard of Matt McCusker? Okay, what about Matt and Shane’s Secret Podcast? No? How about Shane GIllis? Fuck, really!? He was all over the news like a month ago… okay, well you know SNL? Yes!! Okay, now we’re cooking. The guy who got cancelled from SNL has a podcast with another guy. I’m that other guy. Anyway, what are you, a sexy HVAC repairman? Nice. Wanna get out of here?”

Honorable Mention:

Santaman, Detective Popcorn, Squarespace, Leo Karpatze, Cake Boss (cake boss), Blank Check, Pete Holmes’s Divorce, Chef Kevin, Parking Lot Scott.

I Went as Myself for Halloween Because What I Have Become Is Scarier Than Any Monster

Posted on October 31, 2019 by Jonah Nink

What you have all done to Halloween is disgusting. Everywhere I turn people are dressed up in ‘sexy’ costumes and going to parties. Halloween is not about having fun. Halloween, despite what society might tell you, is about fear.

In order to right this egregious wrong, this Halloween I will be dressing up this year as the most terrifying, vile, twisted thing I could think of: ME.

Not convinced? Adorable. Here’s a bulleted list of reasons why you should be, kid. See? Even my lists are threatening.

BULLET: While you were all out there going to dances, finding love, and working at your so called ‘jobs,’ I was at home studying Subak, an ancient martial arts technique once used by Chinese warriors to defend their clan’s honor. My Aunt and Uncle have been consistently impressed by my moves when they come to visit for Thanksgiving and this year will be no different.

BULLET: I go to Hot Topic so much that they know my name. While I do work their part time, it’s obviously out of fear.

BULLET: I have seen the movie Fight Club 81 times. It’s actually 82 if you count the time it was on in the background while I was teaching my cousins Subak moves.

BULLET: You know what movie I haven’t seen? Joker. Why? Because I live it, probably. I’ve spent every waking moment of my 11 years on this planet under the constant bombardment of society’s unending oppression. School, work, showers; they’re all just government constructs built to rob us of our souls. I’ve seen the trailer and, honestly, I’ve been through a lot worse in just the past week.

BULLET: I own three Kitanas. They were all forged by a master sword-smith from Bloomington, Illinois. He wouldn’t have given them up so easily if I hadn’t proved myself by paying for the three in one clearance bundle.

BULLET: I ONLY listen to hardcore underground black metal groups like Metallica, Iron Maiden, and Nirvana. Don’t try to listen to them if you have a weak heart that can’t handle darkness.

BULLET: I didn’t know it was Halloween until my mom called me downstairs to go trick-or-treating.

Embarrassment Ensues at Police Halloween Party Where Everyone Showed Up as the Punisher

Posted on October 31, 2019 by Charles E.P. Murphy

ONEONTA, Ala. — A social faux pas was committed at the annual Blount County Police Halloween Ball after every single officer and deputy dressed as Marvel Comics’ vigilante the Punisher, according to those in attendence.

“I really thought it wouldn’t happen again this year,” said Oneonta officer Darrel Hainsworth, playing with the fabric of the giant skull symbol on the front of his bulletproof vest. “We all agreed that only a quarter of us could do it to avoid looking stupid and I should have been in that quarter! It’s just such a cool costume. Everyone I know thinks so.”

“Granted, everyone I know is a police officer,” he added.

Deputy Hal Johnson, from the town of Warrior, was reportedly embarrassed to have worn the exact same costume as Hainsworth for the third year in a row, especially considering he just got a full-back tattoo of Frank Castle wrapping a man’s intestines around a tree from The Slavers.

“That’s the one where he beats a woman to death against a window,” Johnson said to Hainsworth. “I forget what the context was, but who cares? It’s freakin’ nasty!”

According to those at the party, the police officers tried to wrap their heads around why they feel such a connection with the character.

“I think we all just need a day to unwind and feel free and that’s Halloween,” said Allgood officer Martin Smith, fiddling with a gun he was 75% sure was a prop but couldn’t remember. “Being a police officer is hard work and we all look up to this guy, the Punisher, because he’s a fantasy character who has unchecked power to do whatever he wants to stop crime as well as settle personal beefs with violence. Obviously, that doesn’t exist in the real world, not even a little bit. But sometimes — just sometimes — we all wish it did.”

As of press time, a man was carried to the entrance of the Blount County Police Halloween Ball and physically thrown out for mentioning the story where the Punisher is black.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Photo via Flickr.

Goth Heartbroken Inheritance Didn’t Have a “One Night in Haunted House” Stipulation

Posted on October 31, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

BELLE ISLE, Fla. — Local goth Jess “Alexandria Ravenwood” Reynolds is heartbroken that her recently deceased aunt did not include a “one night in a haunted house” stipulation in her will, instead simply gifting the sizeable inheritance to her loved ones.

“The whole thing was devastating: first, Aunt Marnie called me Jessica in her will, which is my birth name. Then, she didn’t require any of us to spend a night in a haunted house to get her money. She just died and it was ours with like, a couple signatures. Who does that?” said Reynolds. “I mean, I’m not unreasonable — I would’ve settled for an evening in a spooky sanitarium or abandoned theme park. And, yeah, it’s great that I can finally pay off my student loans… but honestly, Aunt Marnie can rot in hell for this ultimate betrayal.”

Reynolds’ cousin Lindsey Lonadier noted the “petulant” behavior from Reynolds at lunch following the reading of the last will and testament.

“We were all so upset and heartbroken. Most of us over Marnie’s death, but Jess on the other hand…” said Lonadier. “She just kept screaming, ‘It’s not fair, it’s not fair.’ I assumed like all of us she was sad to have lost Aunt Marn. But then she complained that Marnie had a giant, creepy mansion in the middle of nowhere that ‘would’ve been perfect.’ Apparently, Jess was waiting for the attorney to say ‘under one condition,’ but it never happened.”

Attorney and executor of the estate Shana Moreland admitted she had never seen such behavior in her entire professional career.

“Usually the reading of a will is a solemn affair. Usually,” said Moreland. “After I finished, everyone was quiet. Some were crying. Then, that ‘Crow’-looking fucker blurted out, ‘How much do I get if I can’t make it through the whole night?’ I had to explain seven or eight times that she gets her share of the money regardless of where she spends the night, but she was not having it.”

At press time, Reynolds was collecting personal effects of Aunt Marnie so Reynolds could conduct a seance and rip the dearly departed a new ass.

Opinion: If ‘The Outer Worlds’ is as Good as Everyone Says, They Should Just Give It to Me For Free

Posted on October 30, 2019 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Video games are really cool and fun and good, but also expensive. In fact, they’re too expensive. So if everyone is gonna go yapping about how absolutely great and awesome The Outer Worlds is, it is their duty to give me a copy of the game for free so that I can play it.

For those not in the know, The Outer Worlds is some video game. Every few days, a new video game comes out that everybody haaaaas to play and this one is The Outer Worlds. Well if people are going to keep making must-play video games then they better stop being $60 and better start being mailed to my apartment for free the moment they’re released.

I don’t make the rules, I just enforce them. Well, I actually don’t even enforce them (and this isn’t actually a rule) but it should be a rule and if it was, then I would start being the kind of person who endorses rules. A cop? I don’t know, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that if I have to keep seeing tweets about how “fun” and “open-world” The Outer Worlds is, maybe you should also be tweeting about how “accessible” it feels to “explore” traveling to my apartment and handing me a physical copy of the game’s disc because I don’t have enough space to download it on my hard drive.

It is your moral responsibility to make sure that I understand what memes everyone is doing.

And yes, you’re right that the game is available for Xbox Game Pass, making it free for anyone who has a monthly subscription to the service. This is actually a very good point that I had not considered before writing this article for respected video game magazine Hard Drive (no The). So I suppose — if you don’t want to give me a free copy of The Outer Worlds — you are more than welcome to give me a free Xbox One and subscription to Xbox Game Pass so that I may install the game on my own. This is a very helpful observation and I appreciate you pointing it out in the comments.

Great so now that we’re all on the same page, feel free to reach out to me so that I can give you my address or whatever and you know where to ship the game. I have a PS4 and an alright PC so I think either of those will be fine. I also have a Nintendo Switch but don’t even think about waiting until 2020 to get me the game when it comes out on that.

Thank you; I’m very excited to play The Outer Worlds.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

“Tom_Green_Sausage_Song_AudioREAL_FUNNY” To Headline Kazaalapalooza

Posted on October 30, 2019 by Joe Rumrill

SYDNEY, Australia — Developers behind the popular mid-2000s peer-to-peer sharing platform Kazaa announced today that files labeled “Tom_Green_Sausage_Song_AudioREAL_FUNNY” will headline the inaugural Kazaalapalooza later this year.

“We wanted a festival that would let people relive the fun of illegally downloading a song and adding it to your music library,” said CEO Nikki Hemming. “Tom Green and the sausage song have been a staple of our platform for years, and we are super excited to play files with that name for over an hour. There’s no telling what you will get — it could be a 16-second clip from ‘Freddy Got Fingered,’ it could be a mislabeled Destiny’s Child song, it could even be a video of someone falling in front of a train and being killed. That is what is so exciting about Kazaalapalooza.”

Fans of the file transfer platform were excited at the prospects of seeing some of their favorite files live.

“This lineup is absolutely stacked with heavy hitters. Tom Green ‘Sausage Song’ is a no brainer — maybe they’ll even do an encore with ‘The Bum Bum Song’ — but I don’t want to get my hopes up,” said ticket holder Reece Young. “I’m also excited to see ‘Afroman-BecauseIGotHigh,’ ‘House of Pain Jump Around- Van Halen,’ and one of my all time favorites, ‘HouseMusic_Techno_DanceRemixxx.’ I got in contact with some of my old file transfer friends like DonDaPimp and JerryCamaroDrvr, and they said they’ll be there. It’s going to be great to have the ‘Excellent Integrity’ crew back together.”

Lawyers for record labels around the world are also excited by the festival announcement.

“Some of my favorite cease and desist letters were sent to Kazaa, so it’ll be great to take a trip down memory lane and watch some nerds sweat as we threaten them with jail time for pirating the work of my clients,” said copyright lawyer Angela Waterson. “I also look forward to getting the name and address of everyone attending the fest, so I can give them a good scare with a demand stating that they’ll need to pay $100,000 in damages and face two years in jail for downloading a 311 song.”

Early reports indicate that everyone who downloaded tickets to the fest infected their computers with a virus and will have a hell of a time explaining that to their parents.

Embarrassed Kid Wears Homemade Bulletproof Vest to School Instead of Name-Brand

Posted on October 30, 2019 by Lauren Lavín

AKRON, Ohio — Local fourth-grader Vincent “Vinny” Ortiz-Galt felt “I don’t know, just bad, I guess” about wearing a homemade bulletproof vest to school that was crafted by his mother, a red-faced source said.

“Mom tried really hard,” said Ortiz-Galt. “But I don’t get why I’m stuck with this thing, with the stupid fabric from our old couch… and jerks like Bobby Belson get to have cool bulletproof vests from this year’s line. At recess yesterday, they were hitting him in the chest with tennis balls and he kept saying he didn’t feel it but I bet he’s lying. Meanwhile, my mom filled my vest with spare change and bottle caps, and now my back hurts.”

Ortiz-Galt’s mother Clara said she understood her son’s discomfort, but emphasized she can’t afford “those nicer vests, with all the gadgets and doo-dads, like the popular kids wear.”

“I have to teach him that looking cool isn’t important,” said Mrs. Ortiz-Galt. “What’s important is studying, behaving, and trying his very hardest not to get mowed down by the mass-shooter-du-jour. I’m already working on another vest — this time, in some vintage cowboy fabric I found. Who knows, maybe I’ll open an Etsy shop!”

Ortiz-Galt’s teacher, Mr. Brian Rice, conceded that social conflicts between kids of different backgrounds have always existed, “but at least it didn’t used to mean the difference between living and dying if some random guy with a gun has a bad day.”

“Back then, if you were the weird kid, you’d eventually get into Dungeons and Dragons or punk music and get picked on for that instead,” explained Mr. Rice. “At least no children were wearing fucking ‘Punisher’ logo body armor on their way to learn the ABCs. And don’t even get me started on the ones who get cell phones before they could read a goddamned chapter book! A sign of the times, for sure.”

At press time, Ortiz-Galt was making friends with a classmate whose bulletproof vest was obviously a hand-me-down.

Photo by Rob Steinberg.

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