Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

We Look Back on Rob Zombie’s “Hellbilly Deluxe” Because That’s What the Carnie Who Abducted Us Is Listening To

Posted on October 30, 2019 by Dan Rice

There’s no denying it, fall is in the air. The leaves are changing. Kids across the country are counting the days till Halloween. And somewhere, in some filthy boiler room, we are being held against our will by a deranged carnival worker who drugged and abducted us from the haunted hayride. What a perfect time to look back on Rob Zombie’s macabre metal masterpiece “Hellbilly Deluxe,” the album our insane captor is playing on a loop as he shuffles to and fro preparing god knows what.

As the ominous intro track “Call Of The Zombie” gives way to the album’s first single “Superbeast” this albums message becomes immediately clear: The insane transient who has kidnapped you means business. I mean this knife wielding maniac is just not fucking around! As you’re drawn in by the songs hypnotic industrial hook you realize that this man has plans for you, and that those plans are beyond anything manifested in your deepest, blackest nightmares.

Before you can even catch your breath the album hits you with its biggest banger, “Dragula” then cools down a bit with the melodic drone of “Living Dead Girl.” Apparently this one reminds our abductor of someone special. I’ve never seen someone industrial dance and cry at the same time before.

“Perversion 99” is a creepy little slow burn of an interlude. Between the songs disturbing ambience and the ominous noise of power tools in the next room you’ll be asking yourself “dear god what is he building in there?!” in no time.

Of course by the time the balls to the wall “Demonoid Phenomenon” kicks in your kidnapper has already leapt from the workroom to reveal his creation, a bunch of gas powered saws welded together into one crazy mega saw. It’s pretty clear that at least one of us is about to die and as Demonoid Phenomenon gives way to Spookshow Baby you begin to realize that person is the lucky one. Things are only going to get more fucked up from here.

“How To Make A Monster” is a bit of a striped-down throwback, as is the fact that this guy is now miming sex with a dirty Raggedy Anne doll to show us how crazy he is. It’s like, “dude, you just mutilated a friend of ours with power saws. This is, comparatively, pretty tame.”

“As Meet The Creeper” starts up both the album and our assailant are feeling a little stale and repetitive. Ok dude, you’re “the creeper.” That’s established. Now what?

Once the album trudges into “The Ballad Of Ressurection Joe And Rosa Whore” it becomes official. Nobody knows what they are doing here. Not Rob Zombie, not this murder guy, not my piss soaked soon to be dead coworkers, nobody. I’m about to be murdered in a boiler room on Halloween night, how the fuck am I so bored?

This is around the time I completely tune out. Much like “Hellbilly Deluxe,” the actions of our deranged captor suffer from being too top heavy. When you start with a track as heavy as Superbeast or an act as brutal as chainsaw murder, it’s hard to up the ante.

Oh shit, now he’s setting up a camera. Man, this dude has truly learned nothing from Rob Zombie’s mistakes.

Touring Band Splitting Gas Costs Evenly Amongst Members’ Parents

Posted on October 30, 2019 by Louie Aronowitz

AUSTIN, Texas — Pop-punk quartet Shapes and Sizes is enjoying their most fiscally stable tour yet, splitting expenses amongst the members’ parents evenly in an attempt to keep contributions fair, confirm sources happy to have found a good solution for once.

“It just wouldn’t be O.K. for any one person’s parents to pay more than the others, so we’ve been splitting gas and other incidentals into four equal parts between all of our parents,” proclaimed singer and self-appointed tour manager Dan Montoya. “I keep a detailed spreadsheet of costs so we know exactly whose parents’ credit card to use. I know our parents will thank us in the long run for not taking advantage of any of them.”

Linda Fiore, bassist Carmen Fiore’s mother, only recently learned about the arrangement.

“I of course gave Carmen a credit card for emergencies — like if they run out of money and have to get home, or if someone gets hurt or something,” Mrs. Fiore said while scrolling through her digital credit card statement, shaking her head in disappointment. “I didn’t even realize for a while, because if the bill is low enough, I’ll just pay it without looking closely… but then I saw charges to Sunoco and Hotwire literally every day. Every few days that Sunoco bill is an extra $30, too, so I’m apparently paying for beer as well.”

As the tour progresses and expenses became more complicated, however, band members are reportedly trying to split costs across all credit cards — a strategy local gas station attendants are not enthused by thus far.

“I could tell as soon as that van pulled into the lot and those kids jumped out that this was gonna be a headache,” muttered gas station employee Carl Leonard. “These idiots tried to split the $1.99 cost for one of those gross hot dogs across four different cards. I’m not set up for that nonsense. Honestly, I was hoping someone would just hold up the place — getting robbed or shot was preferable to dealing with them.”

The band updated fans via Instagram yesterday of their tour exploits, stating, “Tour is great, but so expensive! Please contribute to our Gofundme so we can make back our losses!”

Report: Old College Roommate Just Kept Playing League of Legends

Posted on October 30, 2019 by Jack Burrows

SAN FRANCISCO — Despite the fact that he and his old roommates are now distant from their college years and the period when they enjoyed playing the game, friends of Nathan Wilkerson were disturbed to discover that he just kept on playing League of Legends.

“I feel bad about the whole thing, but I guess I’m not surprised,” said Travis Hardman, who shared a dorm room and played the Massive Online Battle Arena game with Nathan back in 2011. “We all decided years ago that game was total dogshit. Nate texted me a few years back asking if I wanted to climb ranked queue and I was like, ‘What? I haven’t played that game in half a decade.’ Hell, I haven’t even talked to Nathan in four years. He RSVPed ‘maybe’ to my wedding and then didn’t show up. I dunno… at least check out Dota 2.”

Hardman received a text back from Wilkerson saying, “Thought it would be funny, haha.”

According to those close to Wilkerson, an overwhelming majority of the freshman dorm-mates who played League with Nathan years ago have moved on to other games and facets of life.

Drew Starr, who dormed across the hall from Wilkerson, said he logged on to League a few weeks ago to reminisce, and noticed that Wilkerson was logged in and playing a match. “It was like seven years hadn’t passed and he still somehow found enjoyment in last-hitting mobs, being raged at by teenagers, and losing because someone AFK-ed at fountain — I just figured he had moved on to something better. This is coming from someone who plays Hearthstone.”

Wilkerson’s girlfriend Sarah Kirk was surprised to learn that none of Wilkerson’s friends played anymore.

“I mean, I thought he was at least getting social interaction from this — something positive, you know?” said Kirk. “Instead, he’s just sitting alone in his room all day trying to ‘rank up.’ It’s kind of unsettling watching him desperately search for some nebulous self esteem from a game that ultimately leaves him sulking around the apartment, pissed off and sleep-deprived.”

“Plus, he mains Irelia and hasn’t stopped talking about the nerfs from 2013,” Kirk added. “It’s getting really bad.”

When asked for comment about his choice to continue playing the game, Wilkerson said “Yeah, this game fucking sucks,” and pushed his headset back on.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

G/O Executive Tells Kotaku to Stick to Nintendoes

Posted on October 29, 2019 by Andy Holt

NEW YORK — G/O Media CEO Jim Spanfeller has reportedly written a stern letter to the editorial staff at video game website Kotaku, demanding that the publication “stick to what you do best, writing about those Nintendoes or whatever,” sources at the company confirm.

A review of the document reveals that Spanfeller took issue with Kotaku’s coverage of Blizzard’s Hong Kong controversy and other “stories that have nothing to do with video arcades.” He then suggested that the newsroom “write a big feature on that new Tick Tock phone game everybody is talking about. I think it’s about stopwatches? Should draw a lot of clicks.”

The Kotaku newsroom is unionized as the GMG Union under WGA East, which demanded independent editorial control for all verticals owned by G/O in the most recent contract. An anonymous staffer claimed this was the first time the CEO had contacted the editors directly.

“Or, well, technically not the first time,” added the staffer. “Spanfeller did email Jason Schreier once asking for help fixing his iPhone. It took like ten messages for Jason to realize it was actually a Blackberry, and it was dead.”

Spanfeller could not be reached for comment, but sources at G/O have suggested he was busy drafting a letter to The Onion, asking them to keep writing “those trick news stories.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Paranoid Twitch Streamer Constantly Feels Like They Aren’t Being Watched

Posted on October 29, 2019 by Joshua Hudson

KALAMAZOO, Mich. — Local Twitch streamer Steven Foran reportedly feels experiences a near-constant paranoid feeling that he’s not being watched, according to those close to him.

“I’ve been streaming on Twitch for the last five years now, and it’s my main source of income,” Foran said, frantically opening his blinds and verifying that his webcam was still recording. “But lately, I keep getting this nagging feeling that people aren’t watching me. Logically, I know that can’t be true. My numbers are through the roof. But sometimes when I’m walking down a dark alley, or into an empty room, or when I’m in the bathroom, I just can’t shake this intense feeling that no one’s eyes are on me.”

Foran has steadily gained popularity for streaming just about every aspect of his life; gaming, reading, cleaning, and even walking around his neighborhood.

“The thought that Steven isn’t being watched is merely a delusion. It’s a holdover survival instinct from a much earlier time in human civilization, long before the iPhone 4,” said local psychologist, Dr. Elizabeth Allen. “Whether it’s through his streams, cell phone, police cameras on the streets, or even those new cameras they have at the self-checkout registers in Target, Steven is almost certainly being watched 24/7.”

Under promise of anonymity, a local conspiracy theorist agreed to speak on the record about Foran’s paranoia.

“Steven Foran isn’t being watched. None of us are. I’ve looked into it, and none of these cameras are hooked up to anything! It’s all just one big conspiracy to make us think we’re being watched,” the source told reporters, before taking a picture of themselves and emailing it to local authorities. “I bet they won’t even look at that.”

As of press time, local police, federal intelligence agencies, and Foran’s stalkers could not be reached for comment.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Review: ‘Luigi’s Mansion 3’ Serves Up Spooky Scares If You’re a Fucking Idiot

Posted on October 29, 2019 by Ian Kitchen

Nintendo released Luigi’s Mansion 3 for Switch just in time for Halloween; too bad it’s not fucking scary at all, and was obviously made for little kids or some shit. As a fan and student of classic horror — specifically film (aka cinema) — this is extremely disappointing.

Before you say, “Oh, well this isn’t a film, this is a video game made by Nintendo. What did you expect?” let me just cut you off right there to remind you that since they had the nerve to include a scary (yeah right, okay) hotel and paranormal entities like ghosts, then they are responsible for using them to frighten me. Like most mainstream “horror,” there is so much missed opportunity here that I am certain I could have made a scarier game by myself.

In fact, I have.

When I was 13, I created an original board game called “Mr. Ghost Goes To Town,” and it was an abomination so unnerving that nobody would ever play it. Friends stopped coming to my house. Kids at school looked at me like I was a freak. This is the moment I knew that I was a master of terror, an authority on all things horrifying.

This Luigi game, though? It’s a baby’s game.

The game starts when Luigi is checking into a hotel with his friends (or, coworkers maybe? Not really explained, so that’s strike one right there). Little do they know, it’s full of ghosts, and Luigi has to suck them up in a vacuum cleaner. This sounds horrifying on paper, but when you are actually playing the game, the ghosts are just goofing around! They’re not even in a bad mood! How dare Nintendo insult my intelligence with this foolishness?

Secondly, I cannot believe this game is a fucking CARTOON. I wish I would have known that! Would it have killed them to mention this literally ANYWHERE in the ads, or, at the very least, on the packaging itself? This was very misleading, and obviously a classic bait-and-switch. They promise a macabre tale of dread and shock, but instead you get a stupid Mickey Mouse cartoon for assholes. I thought this would be an “M For Mature” (for intense blood and gore, and chilling nudity), but this is clearly more like a ‘T For Teens’ (for depictions of ghouls).

Honestly, I couldn’t finish this shit. How many more times will I get burned? It seems media only wants to disappoint me by playing it safe. Everything has to be for babies now, so whatever.

I’m just holding out hope that things will get better with “Animal Crossing,” Nintendo’s upcoming survival horror game in which all the world’s pets turn against their owners, ushering in an era of bloodthirst and violence.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

The Hard Times Runs Out of Normal Books, Is Large Print Okay?

Posted on October 29, 2019 by John Dixon

NEW YORK — The Hard Times ran out of small print and medium-sized print copies of their new book, “The Hard Times: The First 40 Years” today, leaving only large print editions available at a recent tour stop, sources trying to offload the specialty editions confirmed.

“The fact that we ran out of two different print sizes this quickly is just a mark of what a success this book is,” said Hannah Bitali, a representative of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt. “Running out of small and medium-sized merchandise is a time-honored tradition in the punk scene, and we are just helping The Hard Times stay true to their roots, since we all know they are complete sellouts now.”

“If customers are dissatisfied with the large print copies, they can always try shrinking them in the wash or tearing off the cover and sewing it onto the back of a jean vest,” she added.

Readers who received the large print edition of the book, which has the same amount of content spread across roughly twice as many pages, remained positive despite their disappointment.

“Sure, it weighs like, 15 pounds and won’t fit on my bookshelf, but carrying around a book this big makes me look like some Ivy League hot-shot off to another doctor class, so I’m honestly pretty okay with it,” said longtime fan of the site Adam Boyd. “Plus, seeing all the words this big kind of makes it more funny, like I’m some old-ass dude with bad eyesight. Good stuff.”

The Hard Times founder Matt Saincome assured the public that normal print editions would soon be back in stock, while also revealing some behind-the-scenes information concerning the shortage.

“Our publisher said they’re printing more small and medium copies, but they’re running into some difficulties,” said Saincome, balancing a checkbook while atop a large pile of money and letters from literary figures praising the release. “Namely, that the large print copies take up so much space in the warehouse, they can’t accommodate as many small and medium print ones.”

At press time, the large print copies were expected to sell out, leaving customers with the option of listening to the audiobook or buying the single 30X sized book printed as a joke.

Life Spent Playing ‘Doom’ Pays Off for Gamer Sent to Hell

Posted on October 28, 2019 by Grant Mulitz

HELL — Cast into the fiery pit of Hades for all eternity to come, the immortal soul of recently damned gamer Harrison Gilgur was reportedly excited to find himself in Hell after realizing he would, in essence, spend his entire afterlife playing Doom.

“Hell?! That’s so awesome! And here I thought constantly playing every Doom iteration since the original was a waste of my paltry existence. Now I’m gonna kick ass down there!” shouted Gilgur as he was judged and sentenced to damnation at the Gates of Heaven by a visibly confused St. Peter. “I was sad I died before Doom Eternal came out, but this is even better. Time to find some colored key cards!”

Upon descending into the inferno, his spirit ceded to Satan for the rest of time, Gilgur immediately began looking for a weapons cache to fight the oncoming swarm of monsters and demons devoted to endlessly hunting and torturing him.

“Let’s see, there’s usually a chainsaw behind the demon iconography or a trick door in the blood-dripping walls, but so far the only thing I have is this pistol I snuck in with me,” said Gilgur, while pushing and kicking every wall panel he came across. “I wonder if the designers of Hell even wanted this level to be winnable.”

Unholy sources report that an army of the undead attacked Gilgur shortly after his arrival, prompting him to violently punch the beasts to death using brass knuckles. After successfully retrieving a shotgun from a fatally wounded guard and proceeding to go on a kill-crazy rampage all the while avoiding human contact, Gilgur continued further into the depths of hell, brutally murdering everything he came into contact with.

St. Peter later revealed the circumstances leading to Gilgur’s eternal sentence.

“Harrison, like most Gamers, was among the best of mankind,” he said. “As such, we have crafted for him his own personal heaven.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Punk Treats Himself to Food From the Nice Gas Station

Posted on October 28, 2019 by John Bukovac

PITTSBURGH — Local punk Sean Schricker was spotted around lunchtime yesterday carrying a bag of food from upscale gas station and quick-service restaurant Sheetz, even though he wasn’t on tour.

“I’ve been having a good day, you know, and I had some extra money lying around from the show I played last night. And I’m sick of the Shell by my place,” said Schricker, eating his fifth mozzarella stick. “I was already out running errands, and everything lined up to grab lunch from a real restaurant in town.”

“It’s been a while since I’ve ordered a sub from a touch screen situated right by a public bathroom,” he added. “What would life be if we didn’t treat ourselves every once in a while?”

Witnesses confirmed Schricker’s presence at the gas station to purchase food in the middle of the day.

“We get a lot of punks and musician types in here, but they usually come in around 3 a.m., not noon,” said Sheetz cashier Donna Brown. “He wasn’t making eye contact with anyone, and he made sure to pay in cash — probably because he didn’t want to leave a paper trail. He definitely seemed ashamed to be where he was, when he was.”

Roommate Eric Fulton praised Schricker’s dedication to rewarding himself.

“There isn’t even a Sheetz close to where we live. The closest one is at least nine or 10 miles north of town, and you have to go on the highway, too,” Fulton said. “There’s no way he was just ‘passing by’ — he deliberately drove 25 minutes out of his way to get fried food from a 24-hour automotive gas and diesel depot mostly staffed by teenagers.”

“What a human mess. What an absolute piece of trash,” he added.

At press time, Schricker was seen stopping at a Sunoco to get gas for his car, which was running low from his nearly hour long journey to and from a different gas station.

Realistic Lesbian Porn Just 90 Minutes of Woman at Brunch With Three Exes

Posted on October 28, 2019 by John Danek

SANTA BARBARA, Calif. — An independent adult film company has achieved a new level of realism in lesbian pornography with their latest feature-length video of a woman who brunches with three ex-girlfriends, the company announced in a press conference.

“For decades, the adult film industry reduced lesbians to a one-dimensional facsimile of the real experience,” explained Viv Venus, founder of Viv Venus Videos. “Our new feature-length, titled ‘Brunching Carpet,’ is the hottest, most realistic on-screen portrayal to date. There’s no ‘lipstick lesbians’ acting like they actually enjoy scissoring here — only intense, unshakable bonds between powerful women. I’m sopping just thinking about it.”

One pivotal scene involves the protagonist, Mari, reminiscing pleasantly with her ex-girlfriend Yvonne about their backpacking trip in Costa Rica. (Warning: the following dialogue is extremely erotic)

“Oh, my God… those pictures you took from the summit of Pikes Peak are still in my digital picture frame. So beautiful,” Mari exclaims in the scene while sipping a lavender latte with two hands. “And do you remember how you completely forgot socks? You remembered to pack every single unnecessary thing, but totally blanked when it came to socks. What a great trip! I wonder if Isabella is still managing that cute café we ate at every morning.”

Reactions to “Brunching Carpet” have been polarized, as expected with such groundbreaking content.

“How does this even qualify as porn? There’s no nudity, no tits, and no moaning… except for when Bonnie bites into her huevos rancheros. That’s barely enough to get me going,” protested porn connoisseur Jake Blightly, founder of the blog LubeOrNoLube.com. “I understand that in 2019 we need to revisit stereotypes and norms, but at the end of the day, I’m still trying to get my nut. This movie is not helping in any way. But, to be honest, I’m very happy with the conclusion when Nina forgives Yvonne for not inviting her to her wedding.”

Viv Venus Videos next hyper-realistic project will reportedly be a porn for bisexual women, where all of the hetero scenes have a feeling of disappointment and settling for less.

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