Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Opinion: We’re Not a “Satanic Band.” We’re Just a Band Whose Members All Love Satan

Posted on October 28, 2019 by Edgar Towner

I get it. You see the corpse paint, the inverted crosses, the sheep’s heads skewered on mic stands, and you think, “Wow, this is one Satanic-ass band.” It’s an understandable reaction, however, the truth is that you couldn’t be more mistaken. My band Rat Christ is completely secular and is in no way affiliated with the Church of Satan. End of story. All my band-mates and I are way into the Devil, of course, but frankly, I don’t see what that has to do with anything.

It’s pretty funny, actually! Hardly a day goes by without someone asking me, “Didn’t you change your name to ‘Belphegor the Pope-Choker’? Sounds pretty Satanic to me.” I can’t deny it. That’s true. But that’s not my music; that’s just me. I changed my name as an expression of the personal, private relationship I share with the Deceiver, and I don’t think that’s hard to understand. Many musicians have firm religious convictions, and we should respect that practice whether they worship the Accuser or any other pathetic pig god.

Do my beliefs influence my art? Of course! The word “Satan” is in every song I’ve ever written. But it’s all about context. When I say “Satan” in a song, it’s figurative—I’m expressing a wholesome spirit of rebellion. When I say “Satan” in this blog, I’m referring to the Lightbringer who will soon reclaim the Earth of course, but again, that’s just me, not my music.

“But Belphegor,” you’re saying, “doesn’t Rat Christ’s first album have a song called ‘A List of Real Churches in Need of Literal Burning?” Yeah, you caught me! In Rat Christ’s early days, we were indeed tied to the Church of Satan. But then that first album didn’t sell, and around that time we coincidentally decided to distance ourselves from the Church. This upset our fans, but we were sending a message: our music should be enjoyed by everyone in the record-buying public, Christ-loving swine included.

I understand if Rat Christ’s music can come across as “preachy.” I can’t help it! I can only be who I am, and I’m a guy who loves the shit out of Satan. But rest assured that our music is for everyone. If you need proof, you’re in luck! Our new album “The Glorious Convent Orgy” drops this Friday. Check it out! And no worries if you don’t buy it. I’ll say a special prayer for you anyway.

Burger King Introduces New Whopper That Heals You a Little Bit

Posted on October 28, 2019 by Mark Roebuck

MIAMI — Burger King announced a new variation on their signature cheeseburger this morning that will reportedly cure some, but not all, of your current ailments.

“This new Whopper that heals you a little bit is going to revolutionize the fast-food industry,” said Daniel S. Schwartz, CEO of Burger King. “We’ve been doing some experimenting with our burgers the last few years, first the Halloween one, and then Impossible Whopper, but those steps forward pale in comparison to a sandwich that actually restores some of your energy after a long day of work.”

The new menu item, simply referred to as the Standard Whopper Cheeseburger, was rolled out in a few trial markets earlier in the year. Positive feedback from skeptical customers inspired the chain to roll out the addition to all of it’s over 13,000 restaurants as quickly as possible.

“It sounded like complete bullshit to me,” said Parker Webber, a Fort Wayne, Indiana resident, one of several cities the therapeutic Whopper was tested in. “Hamburgers won’t heal you, that’s ridiculous. Or so I thought. I had one of those bad boys, and not only was it delicious, but I swear to god it woke me up and I felt like I had just had a massage. Best burger I ever had in my life, easily.”

Though the new sandwich is a trailblazing bit of ingenuity, engineers at Burger King say this is just the first of what will be a series of restorative hamburgers.

“The Standard Whopper Cheeseburger is just the beginning,” said Tracy Platt, head of ground beef research and development at Burger King. “Soon we will introduce the Standard Whopper Cheeseburger (Large), which will actually be able to stop bleeding from small lacerations. We have others coming that will help with things like runny noses and poison damage, as well as a new brand of Mountain Dew that will enable you to climb stuff really well for a few minutes.”

The Standard Whopper Cheeseburger will be available at all Burger King locations next week, at a rumored cost of fifty dollars.

UPDATE: In response to Burger King’s new Standard Whopper Cheeseburger, McDonalds has announced that every value meal at its restaurants will now include a free shield.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Mom Cheerfully Fixes “Fuck Authority” Patch

Posted on October 28, 2019 by Ryan Harnedy

ANAHEIM, Calif. — Local mother Kerry Mendez happily spent an hour of her Sunday afternoon last week resewing a “Fuck Authority” patch to her daughter’s denim jacket, thankful yet defiant sources confirmed.

“I’ll be honest: I don’t love the cussing, but I do want Leslie to express herself. If that means sewing vulgar patches on a jacket, or letting that band of hers with all the yelling and screaming practice in the basement, then so be it,” said the supportive mother. “I’ve wanted to teach her how to sew and knit for years, but every time I sit down and try to show her, she calls me a ‘tyrant’ and asks how I ‘get off stepping on the necks of the working class.’ Oh, well.”

Indeed, Mrs. Mendez has been the invisible force behind most of her daughter’s DIY style choices, yet receives almost no credit.

“Yeah, great… so my mom took the time to sew the legs of two different pairs of pants together for me, and everyone creams their jeans because of how amazing they look. But I’m pretty sure that’s just what moms are supposed to do. I didn’t ask to be born,” said the oldest and certainly the most punk Mendez child. “And, yeah — the vegan cookies she made for the animal rights bake sale were such a huge hit that everyone begged me for the fucking recipe. Whatever, I’m not trying to be like her… some zombie housewife just doing whatever it is her husband and children demand.”

Noted family therapist Dr. Angelo Lapinski is an expert in the field of punk child/normal parent dynamics, and believes the Mendez’s relationship will eventually even out.

“Punk teenagers often have nothing real to rebel against, so they lash out at their parents. And as long as those parents don’t flip out and become assholes, usually everything evens out by the time the child is 22,” said Dr. Lapinski. “This is when the world starts to crush the spirits of most punks who now have to deal with bosses, landlords, and cops. Eventually, Leslie will grow to appreciate her mother’s hard work. Ultimately, in a lot of cases, the child will wish the parent hadn’t allowed them to dye their hair hot pink and pierce their eyebrow the day before prom.”

Mrs. Mendez was last seen auditioning members for her daughter’s punk band tentatively named “1-800-Matricide.”

Pop-Punk Frontmen Issue Split Apology

Posted on October 27, 2019 by Mark Roebuck

DENVER — Lead singers of two pop-punk bands issued a split release today, a collaborative letter apologizing for their mutual disgusting and predatory actions towards female fans.

“I am so sorry for taking advantage of so many of our supporters on the road over the years,” began the side of the split apology composed by The Registers frontman Martin Wesley. “I had a responsibility to my fans, and I let them down. Effective immediately, I will no longer be providing vocals for The Registers. So stoked to finally get to do a release with Johnny Boner from Zamboner, however. We’ve been homies since day one, and now it seems like our reputations are going down in flames together.”

The surprise release, issued on splatter-design 8 x 10 paper, both delighted and disappointed fans of the two groups, with many claiming their collaboration was long overdue. Some, however, complained that the release itself wasn’t interesting enough to justify its split nature.

“God, all these pop-punk apologies sound the same,” said Jamie Green, a long time pop-punk fan. “Honesty, it’s a little hard to tell when The Registers’ side ends and Zamboner’s begins. They both claim to have manipulated and exploited their fans throughout the years, and they both have a thing at the end where they promise to ‘take time off and do better.’ I think only a true fan can really tell them apart anymore. Either way, fuck these dudes.”

Members of both bands pledged to not let the resignation of their frontmen conflict with their immediate plans.

“This is a grind — a full time hustle,” said Leonard LaRey, bass player for Zamboner. “You just work the cycle: write, record, tour, apologize for some heinous shit when people find out about it, repeat. Pop-punk will never die.”

The split apology was released across both bands’ various social media accounts, and a limited run of 500 physical copies of the handwritten letter are available for sale online in various color variants.

Ditto Suffering From Impostor Syndrome

Posted on October 27, 2019 by Tyler Snodgrass

KANTO — Experts in Pokémon psychology have diagnosed a severe case of Impostor Syndrome in a local Ditto, the amorphous blob Pokémon able to transform into any other object or Pokémon on sight.

“The Ditto basically thinks, ‘Everyone can tell I’m not really a Bulbasaur,’ or whatever they’ve transformed into,” said Professor Oak, pointing to the Ditto, which had transformed itself into a rancid garbage bin with “fraud” written on the side. “It might think, ‘Yeah, I know all the moves of a Charizard, but I don’t feel like I’ve really learned them.’ Ditto may become so focused on the fear of being found out that it loses sight of why it has transformed in the first place. It’s really a struggle.”

After bringing in specialists to conduct talk therapy sessions with Ditto, helping Ditto take its SSRIs each morning, and encouraging Ditto to gain confidence through a series of daily affirmations, Oak noted that, while he had been previously aware that “Impostor” was a hidden ability of Ditto, he now knew that it was also its hidden anxiety.

“To think, this whole time I thought my Ditto was fine, but really it had started to think awful things like, ‘Sure, I can breed with any Pokémon, but why would they ever want to breed with me?’” added Oak. “I worry it will still feel like a fraud no matter how many levels it gains.”

At the moment, few are equipped or trained to help Pokémon suffering from Impostor Syndrome, which experts believe may also affect rare candy eaters.

“Pokémon Centers provide excellent healthcare,” said Nurse, an employee at the local Pokémon Center, “but there’s still a lot of work to be done in the realm of mental health.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Hard Times Audiobook Narrated By 17 Dudes Yelling In Unison

Posted on October 27, 2019 by Jordan Breeding

NEW YORK — Mariner Books, the publisher of “The Hard Times: The First 40 Years,” announced Friday their intention to release an audiobook version to be narrated by 17 dudes yelling in unison.

“We wanted to maintain the ‘The Hard Times: The First 40 Years’’s authenticity, so it’s not like we’re going to go out there and hire the limey dork that did ‘Harry Potter,’” said publishing spokesperson Samantha “Tree Trunk” Ahlberg, strumming absentmindedly on an unplugged electric guitar missing two strings. “So that’s why we went down to the local ice rink and offered a bunch of rec-league hockey players free PBR if they came and yelled things into a microphone.”

While most of the audiobook’s narrators don’t consider themselves professional voice actors, they were grateful for the opportunity to break into the industry with such a challenging and thought-provoking book.

“Wait… I did an audio recording for ‘The Hard Times: The First 40 Years?’ That book’s rad as shit,” said North Beach Turncoats right-winger Landon Kerwin, screaming at the top of his lungs for no discernible reason. “I must’ve been pretty drunk… or maybe balls deep in another concussion. I’m just happy I could give back to the scene in some way — most of us used to play in hardcore bands around town, so it was good to get back in the studio with over a dozen of my closest friends and let loose.”

Early customer feedback has been largely positive. Most reviews tend to highlight the audiobook’s “genuine punk aesthetic” and “low sticker price.”

“I’ll be honest — I probably understood like, 20 percent of what those dudes were yelling about,” said plumber punk Jenny Granger. “But the parts of the book I did hear clearly were like, really funny. Seriously, next-level satire. At least, I’m pretty sure.”

At press time, customers were playing “The Hard Times: The First 40 Years” audiobook backwards in the hopes it might be easier to understand or at least open a portal to hell.

Oh, You’re a Ted Leo Fan? Name 5 Episodes of Radiolab

Posted on October 27, 2019 by Dan Rice

I’m so sick of poser fans like you. I don’t know what your angle is but if you were a real Ted Leo fan you would be able to name at least 5 episodes of NPR’s Radiolab.

Oh OK sure, you know the one about the decades old domesticated fox experiment. Everyone knows about that one dipshit. That episode was called New Nice by the way and it aired on October 19th, 2009. Ted Leo and the Pharmacists fan my ass.

Have you listened to Juicervose, the riveting story of how a non communicative autistic child became a high functioning independent by parroting Disney movies? No, you haven’t because you’re a fucking fake Ted Leo fan!

How about “Sight Unseen”? “In the Dust of This Planet”? “Space”? Fucking “Space” dude, come on!

Bro, do you even know who Jad Abumrod IS bro? Fuck outta my face with that shit. Don’t even try to come at with that “I’m more into ‘Invisiblia’” bullshit!

Oh you can name every band Ted Leo was in since Citizens Arrest in 1989 and each of their albums in chronological order? Well where did Robert Krulwhich go to college? You have no fucking idea, do you? What a fucking poser.

OK, if you really are a fan of Ted Leo, (including not only his output with Ted Leo and The Pharmacists but his solo efforts and Aimee Mann collaboration the Both like you keep insisting) let me ask you this. In what year did Radiolab receive it’s second Peabody award. 2014? That was clearly a lucky guess.

I’m sick and tired of posers like you calling yourselves fans of Ted Leo’s music when you can barely even name every episode of Wits with John Moe.

Hell, I bet you can’t even recite the Paul F. Tompkins peanut brittle bit verbatim. You sicken me.

Foreplay With Goth Girlfriend Involves Two Hours of Unbuckling

Posted on October 27, 2019 by CJ Hernandez

TAMPA, Fla. — Local punk Stephen Lazaro broke up with his new goth girlfriend earlier this week after discovering that sex together involves over two hours of sensually removing buckles and zippers prior to penetration, bummed out sources report.

“I thought I hit the ‘big tiddy goth gf’ jackpot with Stacey [Kowalski],” Lazaro explained. “She’s tatted and stacked — smoking hot. I got through three whole dates trying to seal the deal, but when we got to the bedroom… just buckle after buckle, zipper after zipper, and all those snaps and clasps. Fuck, I thought it would never end.”

Lazaro, who reportedly has difficulty maintaining interest in typical foreplay for more than three minutes, ran into trouble quickly when he could not determine which boot buckles were decorative and which were functional.

“I figured, well, at least I could get a blow job and we wouldn’t have to go through this whole thing… but then she asked if I could go down on her first. Like, what the fuck?” Lazaro complained. “I successfully unzipped four stuck zippers to pull her out of those tight-ass leather leggings, but I had to tap out after I accidentally tied two corset laces into a complicated triple knot I learned in Boy Scouts.”

“I just went home and jerked it to her Insta. Whatever, man,” he added.

Kowalski was left equally disappointed, feeling Lazaro’s online persona was misleading.

“I guess I just had this fantasy in my head of what an ‘average dick sad nerd bf’ would be,” she confided to her 30,000 followers. “The way he constantly shared memes about how low-key horny and depressed he was really turned me on… but it turns out that, just because you share memes about eating ass, doesn’t mean you actually care about women getting off. What a waste of time.”

At press time, Lazaro was reportedly planning to cancel all of his e-girl Twitch subscriptions after being refused nudes for the 30th time.

Sony Unveils Full Lineup of PlayStation 5 Release Day Bugs

Posted on October 26, 2019 by Kevin Flynn

TOKYO — Following a string of new details about the company’s upcoming console, Sony today unveiled the full lineup of of bugs that would be coming to PlayStation 5 on its release day.

“We know our fans can’t wait to get their hands on the PlayStation 5 next holiday season, and that’s why we’re excited to share more information about all of the bugs, glitches, and under-tested features that will be available for the console on the day it launches,” read the press release, which included brief promotional taglines for bugs such as DNS/Hostname Error, Overheated Power Supply, and Untitled Controller Malfunction. “The PS5’s revolutionary hardware opens doors for developers to create new and innovative glitches. Our launch day lineup is a great demonstration of what the console will be capable of.”

A spokesperson for Sony, Yumiko Takeda, emphasized to members of the press that the company was excited about the strong lineup.

“Huge release day bugs are a PlayStation tradition, and PS5 is no different,” said Takeda. “While we are hard at work developing new and surprising ways for PS5 to malfunction, we will also be bringing back classic bugs from previous generations, such as Broken HDMI Cable and Disc Drive Failure. We hope our long time fans will appreciate these manufacturing and software issues.”

At press time, Sony also announced that in addition to the standard version of the console they would be releasing an extremely limited special edition launch day PS5 that doesn’t turn on at all.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

“I’ll Allow It,” Says Battle of the Bands Judge of Dog Drummer

Posted on October 26, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

PLANO, Texas — Battle of the Bands judge Bradley Chase allowed a desperate four-piece rock band to compete last night using a dog drummer, noting that no rule prohibits the use of non-human musicians, flabbergasted competing bands confirmed.

“It was five minutes to showtime, and one group backstage was yelling at a fella with both his hands in casts,” said Chase. “I told them they must have a drummer to participate — rules are rules, after all. So, the guitarist frantically scanned the room before pointing at a Bernese Mountain dog nosing around the refreshments. I pulled out my pocket-sized Battle of the Bands rule book that all judges carry and sure enough, there’s nothing saying a dog can’t compete.”

Rival musician Creston Heltzel was outraged by the judge’s ruling and assumed the dog must be incredibly talented for the band to even consider such an outlandish stunt.

“I was so pissed. Like, how would they even get him to play? Would they hang Beggin’ Strips from the toms? Or strap a drumstick to his tail and periodically call him a good boy?” said Heltzel. “Of course, all my fears of a killer canine drummer being their secret weapon melted away when the music started. Because, of course, a dog can’t play drums. Because he’s a goddamn dog. Realistically speaking, he shouldn’t have been so close to the amps — dogs are more sensitive to loud noises than humans.”

With their performance underway, guitarist Matt Bauchspies immediately regretted his rash decision to hire this particular drummer.

“I spent the majority of the song trying to stop him from humping an empty guitar case backstage. I don’t know what I was thinking… like, I was pretty high at the time, but I didn’t think I was ‘dogs can totally play drums’ high, you know?” said Bauchspies. Wasn’t there an ‘Air Bud’ sequel where he played drums? Maybe it was direct-to-DVD, or maybe just something I dreamed up. But I swear I heard somewhere that dogs naturally have great rhythm. Fuck it, man. Battles of the Bands are lame anyway.”

At press time, Bauchspies was hailing his cat as a “lofi hip hop genius” after it walked across his keyboard while Fruity Loops was open. He admitted, however, that it “may be the weed talking.”

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