Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Nostalgic Beto O’Rourke Visits El Paso Skate Park Where He Was First Told To “Eat Shit, Poser”

Posted on October 26, 2019 by Doug Francisco

EL PASO, Texas — Former Congressman and presidential hopeful Beto O’Rourke paid a visit this week for a CBS News feature to his old hometown skatepark, reminiscing about where he was first told to, “Eat shit, poser!”

“El Paso is a rich community, and it inspired me to fight for my LGBT friends, my Latino friends, and my working class friends,” said O’Rourke while sitting on a bench directly in the way of a skateboarder who was attempting backside tailslides on the obstacle moments before. “But nowhere is closer to my heart than this skatepark: I remember coming here on warm summer days, putting on my helmet and wrist guards, and slowly pushing around the bottom of the bowl while other skaters yelled at me to ‘Fucking kill myself.’”

The city of El Paso has long recognized hometown son O’Rourke for his accomplishments in pretending to skate.

“You see some of these politicians come around, and you have to ask, is he even really a poser?” said resident Gabriel Ramirez, one of the first people to tell O’Rourke to “scram.” “But Beto, he’s been skating on Nash boards in the rain since way back. He’s consistent. You can count on him to beef an ollie today and make the same excuses he made decades ago.”

O’Rourke, who has been falling in the polls for months, desperately needs to pull in a new constituency if he hopes to stand a chance in caucuses and primary elections.

“No one has looked out at the electorate and really said, ‘Hey, you there — trying to kickflip in dress shoes — I see you,’” said noted FiveThirtyEight statistician Nate Silver. “With the demographic shift over the past 20 years, geeks who pretend to skate make up a big portion of the dead mall towns that could very well decide this election. There are a lot of voters now who have decks hanging on their walls and a cruiser board in their hallway who would love to sit down and comment on The Berrics Instagram videos with Beto.”

During the segment, O’Rourke attempted to drop in to the park’s bowl “for old time’s sake.” However, this plan was scrapped after he realized there was “something weird” with his trucks, casting doubt over whether he’d be able to get the work on his board done before the segment was scheduled to air on CBS this Sunday.

We Rank the Top 1 Halloween Movies I Saw Way, Way Too Young That Clearly Distorted My Sexuality

Posted on October 26, 2019 by John Danek

Halloween is the punkest time of the year thanks to AFI and Danzig and not really anyone else. So we at The Hard Times decided to crank out some fun lists for all you anarcho-ghouls out there. And what better way to celebrate Halloween than with a list of spooky movies? Instead of listing the scariest or most nostalgic films from our youth like other websites, our staff revisited the sources of my most bizarre and hidden kinks.

Let’s get this list rolling!

1. “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”

Rounding out the list at number one is “The Rocky Horror Picture Show,” a classic oddball musical that I saw at the tender, still-developing age of 7 at a car show in Pittsburgh. A tricked-out Chevy van with a galaxy mural on the side was playing the movie on a mini TV inside. For God knows what reason I was allowed to plop down in front of it and absorbed the film start to finish.

By the movie’s bizarre climax, featuring the main characters in essentially bondage gear climbing curtains and getting murdered via electrocution, I knew I had reached some sort of awakening.

I walked out of that van with a newly-chosen path in life as a pan-sexual deviant. A few years later my hormones started raging, my voice deepened, and I developed a fascination with musicals that made my loins tingle.

I joined the drama club in high school but was immediately kicked out for sprouting an erection every time I got to sing a line. I was later kicked out of Film Club for biting my lip and moaning every time “science fiction” or a “double feature” was mentioned. Kink-shaming was a real problem back then.

Things didn’t get better as I hit full sexual maturation. My college girlfriend FALSELY told me that I could trust her with any secret. I surprised her with a vacation to hide behind the garbage cans at Meat Loaf’s Los Angeles mansion so I could really get off, which she thought was weird? She gave me a second chance but I apparently “squandered” it by wearing fishnet stockings in lieu of pants to her grandmother’s funeral.

Oh, what’s that? The Exorcist scared you as a kid? I’m 27 years old and can’t maintain a relationship. I lost my job because a photo surfaced of me with my face painted black with vibrant red lipstick to simulate the film’s opening sequence. I kept telling them it wasn’t blackface… per se.

Does anyone want to go to a midnight screening with me?

Gin Blossoms Play Entire Set of Goo Goo Dolls Songs to See if Anyone Notices

Posted on October 26, 2019 by Steve Esparra

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Concertgoers were unfazed at last night’s Gin Blossoms show when the band played an entire set of Goo Goo Dolls songs instead of their own, attendees who “honestly didn’t even catch that” confirmed.

“Oh, man. What a great show,” said concert-goer Randall Ridderhoff. “My wife and I don’t get out very often anymore, but to see these guys play all those songs we fell in love to all those years ago, we couldn’t have asked for a better night out. I mean, ‘Slide,’ ‘Name,’ that Nicolas Cage movie song… they really brought it tonight, and didn’t hold back at all. Can’t wait to tell the kids about it when we get home… not that they’ll understand or care.”

Gin Blossoms guitarist and vocalist Robin Wilson explained the band’s decision.

“It was just an idea we had — to sort of pay homage to friends of ours, and also see if the audience is even paying attention,” Wilson explained. “Everyone seemed to enjoy the show, despite us not playing a single one of our hits, or any of the six album’s worth of songs we wrote, at all. I’m not sure what that says about us, our fans, or light rock music made in the ’90s, but we’re glad everyone came out and had a nice time.”

While the set was mostly comprised of the Goo Goo Dolls’ discography, Gin Blossoms further wowed the crowd by expanding into other similar-sounding hits from that time.

“The thing I love about coming to a Gin Blossoms show is that they start rolling into the setlist, and you look around and people don’t realize how many hits they actually had,” said Laura Linder, a fan of the band since 1991. “Sure, everyone knows the hits like ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ and ‘Closing Time,’ but then they play ‘Roll to Me’ or ‘Counting Blue Cars,’ and it’s just jaw-dropping. They really need to get the respect they deserve.”

At press time, a dart landing on Collective Soul’s spot on a Billboard Top 100 chart from 1996 had determined the band’s next set.

Sentient Pair of Boat Shoes Thinks Vampire Weekend’s Sound Has Really Evolved

Posted on October 25, 2019 by Luke Woodward

ITHACA, N.Y. — A sentient pair of boat shoes concluded yesterday that Vampire Weekend’s sound had really evolved since their 2008 self-titled album, following a careful listen of their newest album “Father of the Bride.”

“I expected the new album to build on what they had done with the first three,” said the weathered docksiders after the third set of African drums in the current track. “But this one really blew me away. Their past work has always featured Ezra’s smooth and listenable voice, but the introduction of mellow, down tempo guest vocals really rounds out the sound. This is exactly the type of music I love to listen to while tooling around the marina.”

The self-aware footwear pointed to the lineup change as another factor contributing to the new take on the classic baroque-pop sound.

“This was their first venture without Rostam [Batmanglij], who was a huge influence on the instrumentals and composition. But to immediately bring him back in as a guest collaborator on multiple tracks? Pure genius,” said the shoes. “Honestly, I haven’t been this excited about an album since I picked up Michael McDonald’s ‘Greatest Hits’ album. It’s just hit after hit of non-offensive soft rock that’s just as good at a cocktail party as it is at a charity gala to raise money to refinish the docks.”

PItchfork reviewer Amy Binx echoed the shoes.

“Their older work evoked an uplifting springtime mood to me, but ‘Father of the Bride’ whisks me away to a balmy vacation in the South Hamptons on the family boat. Well, I guess it’s more of a yacht, since it has a servant’s wing,” Binx bemused while creating a spreadsheet cataloguing the new album’s various genres and obscure references. “Even an amateur critic could see the maturity in their lyrics, graduating from themes of romantic pitfalls and lost youth to the existential woes of young adults and their inability to form connections.”

At press time, multiple sources report the new Vampire Weekend album can be heard playing softly in H&M outlet stores across the country.

Death Row Inmate Still Waiting for Executioner to Input Fatality Correctly

Posted on October 25, 2019 by Carlos "Callie" Cadorniga

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — Death row inmate Craig Owenson is reportedly still waiting for the prison executioner to input the movements for a Fatality correctly in order to carry out his death sentence, over 16 hours after the procedure started.

Owenson, who was convicted for first-degree murder, was slated to be executed via Fatality at the James I. Montgomery Correctional Center yesterday afternoon, after spending seven years awaiting the culmination of his sentence. The prison guard assigned to perform the historically violent execution ceremony has reportedly spent the entire night trying to get the motions just right, to no avail.

“He’s just been shuffling back and forth trying to get a Fatality on me,” Owenson stated in a rare mid-execution interview. “I’m not really supposed to do anything except wobble in place. Honestly, I’m just tired of waiting already. Feel like I’m about to just keel over from boredom.”

Warden Gina Mitchell has been presiding over the attempted Fatality since it began. She stated that several guards actually have had trouble performing Fatalities on prisoners.

“I’m basically just here to yell ‘FINISH HIM’ so the guards can do their jobs,” Mitchell said. “It’s up to them to actually input the moves. Every now and then, I’ll at least tell them to adjust their spacing, but they never really know what I mean when I say stuff like ‘Close’ or ‘Mid.’ They’re just kinda winging it. I blame insufficient training and staffing.”

Since their state legalization back in 2011, court-ordered Fatalities have significantly slowed the execution rate of Florida prisoners as guards are routinely having trouble initiating them, often resolving in a rescheduling of the Fatality. Meanwhile, prisons in other states don’t use Fatalities on prisoners at all, opting to simply jab at them so they fall over and pass out.

As of reporting, the prison guard is still attempting to execute Owenson, announcing his intentions to tear out a couple of his rib-bones and stab them into his ears to pull his face off. Sources have also confirmed that the prison guard’s big brother has been contacted in an attempt to gain his assistance in performing the act.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Manly Scientists Discover Theoretical Third Emotion

Posted on October 25, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

BOSTON — A research team of manly scientists believe they may have discovered a third emotion, in addition to anger and stoicism, that real men are capable of expressing, upending decades of conventional wisdom.

“We understand that this ‘third emotion theory’ is controversial, and could be as paradigm-shifting as that Darwin dork’s tortoise theory. But our research here is solid,” said Dr. Bryce Connors while doing some light wood working in his shed. “This new emotion, which we are calling ‘noice,’ went undiscovered for so long because it was frequently misidentified as anger — for instance, a man watching football may scream and throw a chair at the TV whether his team loses or wins. We now believe that man is in a state of ‘noice.’”

Fellow researcher Dr. Brock Massey explained the methodology behind the experiment.

“We measured the neural activity of several male subjects while showing them a wide range of images. We categorized these images as ‘cool shit’ — e.g. big naturals, hockey fights, and those ‘Dilly Dilly’ commercials — and ‘lame shit,’ like Lena Dunham and dudes not wiping down the butterfly press after using it,” said Dr. Massey. “‘Lame shit’ naturally caused a spike in activity in the amygdala, the section of the brain that controls anger. But ‘cool shit’ drove a flurry of activity in the limbic cortex. This section of the brain is seemingly unconnected to the two known emotions real men are capable of expressing.”

“One subject even shed a tear when he saw an image of a dog at its owner’s grave. This is unrelated to our findings, but I’m just telling everyone that subject #8 is a total pussy,” he added before watching a YouTube compilation of the UFC’s “Greatest Knockouts.”

The theory is awaiting peer review, with one scientist, Dr. Tracy King, claiming the manly researchers made her feel “uncomfortable” during the evaluation process.

“Assholes,” said Dr. King. “I introduced myself to them, and left almost immediately because I was choking on the Axe Body Spray in the air. Most of those guys completely ignored me. I heard them laughing as soon as I left.”

At press time, some within the manly scientist community are claiming there may yet be an undiscovered fourth emotion, which they describe as “Watching the Ending of ‘Field of Dreams’ Feeling.”

When This Child Was Bullied for His Homemade Metallica Shirt, the Band Came to His School With a Cease-and-Desist Letter

Posted on October 25, 2019 by Tucker Leighty-Phillips

Local eighth-grader Warren Glumm never anticipated his hand-stenciled Metallica shirt to bring him any attention, let alone result in the band visiting his middle school classroom. However, after the band heard reports of the student being bullied for his hand-drawn “…And Justice for All” shirt, they knew it was on them to personally deliver their fan a message.

“If you do not cease all activity, a lawsuit will be commenced against you,” the band’s letter read. Incredible! It’s not every day you get noticed by your favorite band!

It all began when Glumm found his older brother’s “St. Anger” CD and, two years later, stumbled over a copy of “Master of Puppets” and reluctantly gave the band a second chance. Having no money to buy one of the band’s reasonably priced $75 t-shirts, Glumm decided to make his own.

Glumm was bullied almost immediately, forcing him to tears in the school bathroom. Some kids made fun of him for the shoddiness of his shirt, others for being into ‘entry level bullshit’ at such a late age.

“By eighth grade, you should be on your second Snapcase album,” one really cool student said.

It wasn’t long before headlines about the bullying case began circulating until the band itself finally got involved, arriving with their legal team on Thursday morning to hand-deliver their newest fan his very own court-ordered cease-and-desist; a staple used to welcome over one third of all Metallica fans born after 1999.

Glumm was thrilled to see the iconic rockers come into his 10:15 social studies class, and even more shocked when they came to his desk and personally referred to him by name.

“You’ve been served,” Lars Ulrich told the young boy.

The band then demanded the boy remove the shirt as well as “any remaining stock” he may have and promptly left to serve a kindergartener who may have drawn part of the band’s logo while learning to write the letter ‘M.’

Gamer Combs Through New Game Pixel by Pixel to See If It’s Shoving Politics Down His Throat

Posted on October 25, 2019 by Owen Crowlie

PHOENIX — Gamer Michael Boggs is taking it upon himself to investigate every frame, note, and pixel of Hero’s Horizon II to make sure it is free of politics before he can enjoy it.

“Most games run about 60 frames per second,” said Boggs, while playing the sequel to 2015’s Hero Horizon by MightySword Studios. “That’s 3,600 chances every minute that they have to indoctrinate you. Scanning over all of them meticulously is a lengthy process, but it must be done. I told my job I had a nervous breakdown so that I could stay home and make sure this game does not have an agenda because I would hate to accidentally support some PC bullshit being rammed down my throat.”

Boggs then performed an exploit that allowed him to go out of the intended barriers of the game map in order to float around in an undeveloped abyss, searching for hidden or overt political messages that could be forced upon the player.

“Our culture is obsessed with all this social justice junk,” he said. “It’s all I can think about.”

As part of this investigation, Boggs has reached out to Hero’s Horizon lead developer Jenny Worth for insight. According to Worth, when she tried to respond to Boggs’ series of direct messages, he would simply explain elements of the plot she had helped co-author for the first game.

“I don’t even really understand what he means by political,” Worth commented. “He asked me if it was ‘historically accurate’ to have a female hero being taught battle magic, and I honestly did not know how to answer him. No one tells you that 50% of game development is explaining to boys online that magic isn’t real.”

Several days into his search, Boggs posted on Reddit that he had encountered a dialogue option with a female shopkeeper that prompts her to mention her girlfriend.

“You don’t understand,” he replied to a comment informing him that the dialogue was purely optional. “There are only five dialogue options, and one of them reveals this totally unnecessary virtue signaling to the player. That means twenty percent of this character’s entire dialogue tree is political. It’s obsessive. I can’t bring myself to play any further.”

Boggs has remained silent since being asked about the possibility of choosing a different dialogue option.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Fancy Punk Has 400-Thread Count Soiled Bed Sheets as Curtains

Posted on October 25, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

OAKLAND, Calif. — Fancy punk Gerald Harden is flaunting his wealth by hanging relatively expensive, unwashed, 400-thread count bed sheets in his bedroom windows as curtains, economically less-fortunate sources confirmed.

“Ever since my part-time gig at the liquor store gave me that sweet $0.35 cost-of-living raise, I’ve grown accustomed to the finer things in life,” said Harden. “When I needed curtains for my bedroom, I didn’t just staple any old, soiled Salvation Army bed sheets to the window trim — my refined taste requires delicate sheets, with less than a dozen cigarette burns, purchased from the only thrift store in town that doesn’t have bed bugs.”

Harden’s alleged gaudiness has rubbed many of his roommates the wrong way.

“That dude has changed, man. For instance, he still agrees it’s important to dumpster dive as a rejection of the monetary economy, but he flat out refuses to do it at WalMart, because Target’s garbage is ‘way nicer,’” said roommate Harper Higgins. “He’s also always lording it over us when he’s drinking something fancy like PBR, and we’ve only got Steel Reserve. It’s crazy that, for all the time I spent fighting gentrification in our neighborhood, I now have to fight it in my own house.”

Fellow roommate Hanley Marshman noted that relationships with “fancy lad” Harden have deteriorated to the potential point of no return.

“Gerry used to truly believe ‘all property is theft.’ But now that he’s come into some money, it’s, ‘All property is theft, but hands off my activated charcoal tooth powder.’ It’s really killing our whole communal vibe,” said Marshman. “We tried to call a house vote to decide if he should be allowed to stay, but the number of people living here at any given time fluctuates between six and 32, so it’s tough to properly tally the votes.”

At press time, the roommates were forcing Harden out after he “committed the ultimate insult” of labelling his quinoa so no one else eats it.

High School Gym Teacher Might Be Henry Rollins

Posted on October 24, 2019 by John Dixon

ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Edison High School was set ablaze with speculation last week that it’s gym teacher, Douglas Vesely, might actually be legendary hardcore frontman Henry Rollins, according to bathroom graffiti and other hallway whispers.

“There are all these signs… I don’t know how anyone who is paying attention could possibly miss them,” said junior Britney Kilpatrick, standing in front of a yarn and photo-covered cork board in the janitor’s closet laying out her theory. “Mr. Vesely has this tight, gray crew cut you could grate cheese on, he’s in crazy good shape, and he’s always wearing this tracksuit — like he’s trying to hide the fact he’s covered in tattoos or something.”

“Plus, it’s like, a natural progression from hardcore frontman to gym teacher: you yell a lot and try to get people to move around and make noise in a coordinated fashion,” Kilpatrick added.

School administrators fired back, citing the rigorous background check procedures all faculty members must go through as evidence that the rumors are patently false.

“It’s simply not possible that Mr. Vesely is anyone other than who he said he is on his job application — especially such a public figure as this Rollins fellow,” said principal Arthur Greene. “That said, however, I do seem to recall his employment history being somewhat sparse. I know Mr. Vesely managed an ice cream shop in the D.C. area when he was a teenager, but there wasn’t much other work experience to speak of. I remember he convinced me to overlook that with an impassioned speech that went on for at least two hours.”

Vesely himself vehemently denies any and all rumors that he is anything but your average, if bizarrely passionate, high school gym teacher.

“Children have extremely active imaginations, especially when it comes to adults whom they know very little about,” Vesely said slightly louder than necessary, his arms crossed and neck veins bulging. “Just because I’m in peak physical condition, speak loudly, and keep my hair short doesn’t mean I’m some punk singer who, for what it’s worth, seems like a stand-up guy with a good grasp of physical fitness, among other things.”

At press time, Vesely was yelling at a student in the weight room about respecting “The Iron” and the lessons it imparts when the student tried to squat 400 pounds and ruptured something important.

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