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Vans Painstakingly Designed to Get Utterly Ravaged by Dog Shit

COSTA MESA, Calif. — Vans President Kevin Bailey verified at a press conference yesterday that the company’s sneakers are meticulously crafted to be absolutely devastated by an errant step into dog shit.

“Our trademark rubber waffle sole offers exemplary traction and flexibility,” Bailey explained during a Q&A attended by reporters and Vans aficionados. “Despite the significant additional production cost it incurs, we also design our soles to feature dozens of incredibly tiny crevices from which it is nearly impossible to remove fecal matter. We also have a patented vulcanization technique that makes our rubber soles hold on to feces and never let it go — the fact that Vans get straight-up decimated by dog turds is completely essential to our company ethos.”

Attendees reported that the topic quickly dominated a press conference intended to promote a new line of slip-ons for toddlers. Follow-up questions were later addressed by Vans Head of Development, Morgan L. Wilhelm.

“This is integral to our product design,” stated Wilhelm, clad in a lab coat and examining the bottom of a Vans sneaker. “Our development space is filled with heaps of animal dung. I spend most of my day running through the room at full speed and then closely studying my shoe soles, marking down the results, and futilely attempting to clean them off by stepping in puddles, rubbing them in dirt, or scraping them on the edge of a sidewalk. It’s a process we hope each and every Vans customer gets to experience for themselves.”

Longtime Vans-wearer Etienne Kambara confirmed that the company’s policy was extremely effective.

“I accidentally stepped in some dog shit in my Vans last week,” said Kambara while gesturing towards their left shoe. “I spent over two hours using Q-tips, a roll of paper towels, and a box of #2 pencils trying to scrape the poop out of each individual waffle indent. Now my sneakers smell completely awful and make a weird squishing noise when I walk.”

“Whatever. At least they’re not Etnies,” she added.

Vans is expected to release a new line of shoes early next year that continue to give the wearer blisters even after they are well broken in.

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