Embarrassed Rick and Morty Fan Picks Up New Episode in Brown Paper Bag

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

CHICAGO — Local Rick and Morty fan Kris Robinson reportedly picked up a copy of the newest episode in an alleyway to make sure no one could see him. 

“You got the toon?” Robinson, donning a black hoodie to hide his identity, said to the Rick and Morty dealer before sliding him a twenty dollar bill. “Are you a Twitter cop? You have to tell me if you’re going to post about me liking Rick and Morty, it’s the law. I can’t have anybody find out about this shit, man. I can’t go back to social prison.” 

According to experts, many Rick and Morty fans are being forced to consume the newest season of the show in isolation out of fear of discovery.

“Rick and Morty fans are afraid of being found out and it’s making their consumption even more dangerous,” said psychologist Dr. Jess Castillo. “We need to end the social stigma on watching Cringe Television so that fans feel safe enough to do it out in the open — where we can get them help.”

“I’ve had so many patients succumb to the wubalubadubdubs,” Dr. Castillo continued, putting her head in her hands. “If only I had known sooner… I could have introduced them to a nice wholesome sitcom like Young Sheldon.”

Roommate sources close to Robinson say that after receiving the Rick and Morty package, he then closed all the blinds in his bedroom and watched the episode alone with headphones on. 

“He says he’s one of the ‘good fans,’” said a roommate of Robinson’s who wished to remain anonymous. “I don’t know, I dabbled in BoJack Horseman a little in college, but I try my best to stay away from that kinda stuff now that I’m an adult. It freaks me out to think that someone could have a kid one day and still be watching adult cartoons. It’s just irresponsible.”

“I know people it’s just the bad fans that make everyone else look bad,” they added, “and that some people can get into stuff like Rick and Morty without it being a problem. I don’t work like that, so I stay away.”

As of press time, Robinson admitted that he actually feels a lot more comfortable watching and discussing Rick and Morty if he gets absolutely blasted, just totally high out of his mind.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Punk on “Top Chef” Uses Last 10 Seconds to Do One More Whip-It

Posted on by Ian Fishman

LOS ANGELES — Punk “Top Chef” contestant Mitch Volz celebrated his immunity in an elimination round on last night’s show by using the last 10 seconds of his “Quickfire Challenge” to do one more whip-it.

“The key to success on ‘Top Chef’ is creating dishes that are simple, clean, and from the heart. Yeah, you cook to the challenge, but you also have to bring some of yourself to each dish — and if you do it right, you’ll have time for a celebratory shot of hippie crack at the end of the round,” said Volz. “Over the years, I’ve cooked in enough rat-infested anarchist collectives that I’ve learned how to properly elevate some rich asshole’s half-eaten, leftover nachos into full-blown, gourmet squatter chili. It’s amazing what a little smoked paprika and a careful braise can do for a meal.”

The “Quickfire Challenge,” which involved dumpster diving at a Whole Foods for dessert ingredients, stonewalled most of the other contestants — a fact not lost on judge Graham Elliot.

“A hallmark of any great chef is rising to the challenge of the moment and adapting your dish to what you have on hand. And [Volz] is better than anyone at grabbing any old, rotting crap we’ve got lying around and making it absolutely exquisite,” said Elliot. “For dessert tonight, Mitch found a half-drank 40 oz., worked it into a cake batter, and microwaved that shit until it came out perfectly moist and flavorful. You bet your ass he earned some nitrous. I hope he got high as fuck.”

However, not all are happy about Volz’s ongoing success on “Top Chef.”

“I can’t stand this fucking guy. He’s like a cockroach: nothing will kill him on this show,” admitted “Top Chef” host Padma Lakshmi after the taping. “And it seems like every single challenge, he’s raiding the pantry for free alcohol or trying to get high from something stupid. One round, after he plated his entrée, he made a bong from a watermelon, and it got all of our contestants absolutely ripped.”

In the final moments of the episode, Volz won his challenge by serving his microwaved 40 oz. cake with “Fuck Tom Colicchio” written in elegant Olde English icing.

Study: Posers Only Reason Scene Economically Feasible

Posted on by Brooks Gray

PORTLAND, Ore. — A comprehensive study by independent researchers at SceneStats confirmed that posers are the sole reason DIY music scenes across the country are able to stay afloat.

“It goes without saying that there are posers everywhere, and these people are often the most vocal and annoying scene-supporters,” said statistician Jennifer Horowitz, who led the study for DIY analytics giant. “Although posers are generally hated by most legitimate scene members, they are essential for scene survival — they account for 87% of scene revenue. Believe me, anytime I see some guy wearing a Warped Tour hat I want to puke, but I know that same guy is the only person for miles that will actually buy music from Bandcamp.”

According to the study, so-called “legitimate” members of the scene often have strong ties to bands and promoters, meaning they can expect to be on guest lists and acquire complimentary drink tickets and other perks.

“Unfortunately for bands just barely scraping by, social currency is not real currency: you can’t put food on the table with clout alone. The scene, therefore, relies heavily on rank-and-file posers to pay at the door, buy alcohol, and spend money at the merch table,” said SceneStats analyst Jeremy Burkhardt. “At this point, most bands have a choice: they can either continue to play secret basement shows to 11 people, or play to a sold-out crowd who ‘loves live music’ at the House of Blues.”

The study has not been well received by many longtime scene members.

“I can only imagine this report was put out by posers to make themselves feel better. How long have these clowns even been going to shows? They have no idea what they’re talking about,” said Buckley Smyth, singer of legendary hardcore band First Punch. “Back in the ’80s, we didn’t need nerds telling us what makes this scene work — everyone was fucking cool. Now it’s all these rich college kids who got no trouble paying $5 at the door and three-for-$10 Pabsts. Must be fucking nice.”

SceneStats is reportedly working on a follow up study that posits “pay to play” shows are the most viable path forward to keep DIY scenes healthy.

Couple’s Age Gap Making It Difficult to Overlook Fact They Grew up With Different Nicktoons

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

PLATTSBURGH, N.Y. — The seven-year age gap separating local couple Alison Connors and Edgar Lawrence continues to be a major hurdle for their relationship, especially when reminiscing about their favorite Nicktoons, sources close to the couple confirmed.

“I love Edgar, I really do. But sometimes I wonder if I can spend my life with a guy who doesn’t understand my ‘Doug’ references. I always refer to him as ‘the pickle in my coleslaw and the sugar in my tea,’ and he just looks at me like I’m an idiot,” said Connors. “I know he means well — he’s got a kind heart — but when he tells me that ‘As Told by Ginger’ was the best cartoon on Nickelodeon, I honestly feel like diving head first into oncoming traffic.”

Unsurprisingly, Lawrence believes his live-in girlfriend is completely mistaken about the quality of early Nicktoons.

“I would occasionally catch an episode of ‘Ren and Stimpy’ on ‘Nick at Night’ when I was a kid. I remember my parents thought it was funny, but I couldn’t turn it off fast enough,” said Lawrence. “I was lucky enough to grow up right when Nickelodeon was hitting its stride: I had ‘Rocketpower,’ ‘The Wild Thornberrys,’ and a little show called ‘Spongebob Square Pants’ that is still on today… maybe you’ve heard of it? Clearly, it was better than some dumb show about a wallaby with a frog neighbor or whatever.”

Family therapist Dr. Kendra Yuen noted in her new book “The Cable Box Effect” that the biggest stressor for millennial couples is often pop culture reference points.

“When two people come together, they sometimes don’t realize that even a two-year age gap can be extremely hard to overcome,” said Dr. Yuen. “There was one couple I recently counseled who disagreed over which seasons of ‘The Simpsons’ were the best: now, it’s obvious that 3-8 were the prime, but tell that to my ex-husband, who somehow thought seasons 10-14 were when they finally peaked. These kinds of compatibility markers are often overlooked for more superficial factors like attractiveness, health, and financial stability.”

Thankfully, Connors and Lawrence were able to find common ground in the fact that “Hey Arnold” completely sucked and the titular character was a giant wuss.

Sonic Fans Now Drunk With Power Demand Big The Cat Be Added to the Film

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

LOS ANGELES — Following a successful campaign to get the titular character of the upcoming Sonic the Hedgehog film redesigned, Sonic fans have gone mad with power, demanding that Big The Cat be added to the film as well.

“Look, we’re not asking for much,” noted Sonic YouTuber KnuxIfYouBux explained. “All we’re saying is that if you’re making a Sonic film, you should really cater to what the real fans want. And we all want Big The Cat and his faithful sidekick Froggy to appear in the movie. We don’t think that’s unreasonable considering they redesigned an entire character.”

But Big The Cat isn’t the only thing fans are asking for. The list of demands sent to Paramount features a myriad of requests, including a post-credits scene that introduces the Chaotix gang. Fans have even gone as far as to send full script pages to the film’s writer, which includes new dialogue where Sonic explains why Sonic Boom isn’t cannon.

“Heed our demands or face the full wrath of our fanbase!” cackled Twitter user @SexyTailsFan6969, according to those close to the situation. “Blaze, Silver, Scourge, and Espio — if you don’t give us all the characters we desire, we’ll tear your little movie limb from limb!”

The film’s crew has gone into overtime as they try to appease the fanbase. An inside source reported that Paramount producers spent several hours on Tuesday frantically trying to figure out who Fang The Sniper is.

“Their thirst can’t be quenched,” said director Jeff Fowler fearfully. “We were ready to wrap the production and send everyone home until the fans threatened to review bomb us if the film didn’t properly depict how Chaos Emeralds and Sol Emeralds are linked. I just want to see my family again.”

Despite the chaos, SEGA remained unphased by the fan outrage, announcing that the next Sonic game would be a mobile infinite runner where Sonic turns into a car.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Stolen Valor! This Elderly Man Claimed to Be the World’s Greatest Grandpa

Posted on by Cory Cousins

We at The Hard Times like to joke about a lot of things, but deceiving the public into believing that you are the World’s Greatest Grandpa when you are clearly an imposter, is not one of them. Currently, the world’s greatest grandpa, or “WGG” for short, is Scotland’s own, Dougall Fleming, as documented by the Council Of Geriatric Achievements. Our team of investigative journalists uncovered a patently false claim from a local elderly man, Hugh Covington, in which he purported to be the owner of the prestigious award.

Anecdotes from family and friends outlined how Covington was indeed unworthy of the title. Reportedly, Covington has never offered candy to any of his grandchildren, and he has not once, but twice forgotten to attend his grandson’s Tae Kwon Do tournaments. That’s reason alone for disqualification.

After receiving numerous tips from witnesses alleging that Covington had been showing off his WGG title in public on multiple occasions, we decided to stake out his favorite coffee shop, “You Mocha Me Crazy!” to see if we could catch him in the act.

Within seconds of arriving to the cafe, Covington brazenly pulled out his own “World’s Greatest Grandpa” mug from his tote bag and asked the barista fill it.

Cameras at the ready, we decided to confront Covington about his flagrant misuse of the coveted WGG label.

“My granddaughter gave this to me for my birthday!” erupted Covington. “I use it every day. I’m so proud to be her grandfather. If she thinks I’m the greatest, then that’s enough for me.”

Following this difficult confrontation, it became obvious to us that Covington was a master manipulator, capable of weaving the most insidious of deceptions. His lies flowed seamlessly between each sip of coffee as if he was talking about something as benign as the weather.

Unable to take our hard-hitting questions and in need of a nap, Covington fled to his Lincoln Town Car in shame. As he drove off, we couldn’t help but notice his license plate which read, “GR8 GRAMPS.” Shame on you, Mr. Covington. Shame on you.

Fans Relieved Least Important Member of Band Only One Called out for Abuse

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

TAMPA, Fla. — Supporters of indie rock band Under Capricorn breathed a collective sigh of relief today when abuse allegations leveled against the band were primarily focused on touring keyboardist Andy van Horning.

“When I saw the headlines about a member of Under Capricorn being accused of some pretty vile things, I was heartbroken. To think I’d supported abusers for so long was really tough to accept,” said longtime fan Jarod Klein. “But when I heard the only member being called out was their new keyboardist, it was like a million-pound boulder was lifted from my chest. Nobody even knows that guy’s name — he’s never recorded anything with them. As far as I’m concerned, the band is still O.K. to listen to. Right?”

Most fans continued to support the core members of the band, with some even resorting to victim blaming.

“If you’re going to try to get with a member of the band, why would you even talk to that troll they had on keyboards?” said fellow fan Debbie Howe. “The rest of the band is so much better looking, and half their songs don’t even use the keyboard, so the guy sits around with a thumb up his ass. I’m sorry, but if you hooked up with that guy, you probably should have expected the worst.”

Under Capricorn guitarist and lead vocalist Edwin Brooks claimed the band was unaware of van Horning’s actions, and immediately took action when survivors came forward with their claims.

“I mean, we had no idea. Sure, yeah, I guess Andy really seemed to like the girls that came to our shows… but, hey, that’s one of the perks of the job, right? None of us thought he was doing anything wrong, though,” said Brooks. “I’m definitely not saying all of us did what he was doing, because I swear we weren’t. Andy was the only dude who would invite girls in the van or back to the hotel, and then ask for nude photos of them once we left town.”

“Not that he ever showed us any of those photos… because, again, none of us knew about it until now, and then we kicked him out almost right away,” he insisted on adding.

At press time, Under Capricorn is actively looking for a tour manager who can better help cover up any of the band’s indiscretions.

Jeff Bezos Visited by Jeff Bezos From Dystopian Future With Urgent Message to Keep Doing What He’s Doing

Posted on by Joe Klein

SEATTLE — Billionaire Jeff Bezos reportedly came face to face with a time-travelling Jeff Bezos from a dystopian future this morning at Amazon headquarters, who warned his past self to stay the course. 

“Just keep following your megalomaniacal instincts,” said Emperor Bezos, who traveled across the sea of time to give himself a pat on the back. “And soon the fleet of drones you have assembled to deliver packages will deliver glory.”

Witnesses at the Amazon warehouse where the incident occurred describe Emperor Bezos stepping out of what appeared to be a tear in the very fabric of the universe. 

“Mr. Bezos looked very excited to hear that he would one day be the supreme ruler of the entire planet,” said one warehouse employee, who spoke anonymously out of fear of being murdered or fired. “He even asked if his subjects loved him, but future Bezos told him not to get cold feet.” 

Sources close to the situation confirmed that Emperor Bezos returned to the cruel time from which he hailed after the meeting, but a spokesman for Amazon denied any knowledge of the encounter, blaming the rumors on disgruntled employees who were fired for taking too many bathroom breaks. 

“These allegations of time travel are nothing more than science fiction. Mr. Bezos received no such visit,” said Amazon PR representative, Melissa Wood.  “And what’s more, if Mr. Bezos were to one day seize control of the world, he would be both a kind and benevolent ruler. To prove this, he is adding a free month of Amazon Prime to everyone’s account.” 

At press time, dystopian Jeff Bezos revealed that he was from the far-off future of Spring, 2020.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Beach Fossils Drummer Found With Four Pounds of Plastic Garbage in Stomach

Posted on by Lauren Lavín

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Anton Hochheim, the drummer of lo-fi surf rock band Beach Fossils, was found yesterday with four pounds of garbage and other debris in his stomach during a routine medical check, according to a horrified source.

“You sometimes find this in large sea animals… but I was completely unprepared for all that debris on the x-ray,” explained Dr. Rita Palmer. “There were plastic wrappers, bottle caps, a shoelace, and half of a deflated beach ball in there. A normal person would’ve come in before it got that bad, but these touring bands are so used to things like constipation, body pains, dehydration, and delirium that he just didn’t notice the difference.”

Hochheim admitted he was “not stoked” when he learned how much literal garbage was inside his body, but said he’s mostly resigned to the situation.

“It sucks, but that’s the world we live in now,” said Hockheim. “Most bands have to tour and sell merch constantly just to break even — you know, like how sharks have to keep swimming, or they’ll die? They can’t afford to slow down and worry if the stuff they’re eating is food or if it’s a plastic visor they thought was a taco shell. Well, neither can I.”

Local environmental activist Tim Weaver said he expected to see increases of these incidents in musicians, “but not until at least 2050.”

“Frankly, every single one of us should be alarmed that these bands are devouring so much toxic, plastic garbage,” said Weaver. “I’ve heard of at least two similar incidents in the past year, with members of La Luz and Best Coast. Either something major needs to change, or millions more innocent, simple drummers just trying to subsist in their natural habitats are going to keep consuming toy shovels, plastic straws, styrofoam cups, and everything else that’s polluting our oceans. It’s bad for the musicians, it’s bad for the environment, and it really, really grosses out their fans.”

At press time, Hochheim’s surgery to extract the assorted plastic garbage from his stomach was delayed until doctors could remove the ingrown plastic six-pack ring from his arm.

Photo by Pablo Youngs.

Man Who Just Asked Question Can’t Wait to Talk Over Your Answer

Posted on by Kevin Tit

ARLINGTON, Va. — Local man Angelo Metts, who just asked you for directions to the nearby Metro station, talked over you before you were even able to process the question, unsurprised witnesses confirmed.

“For a second, I thought I was the one interupting him,” you said later, adding that you were on the phone with your mother during the encounter. “Then I remembered he was the one who asked me for help. What kind of asshole approaches somebody on the phone, asks for help, and continues to talk at them when they start to answer? It was like he was trying to prove that I didn’t know which direction to send him.”

According to those closest to Metts, the 34-year-old has been an oblivious blabbermouth for decades.

“Angelo has been a patient of mine for the last six years and I dread every visit,” noted Dr. Andrew Appleto, Metts’ general practitioner for the last 14 years. “He comes in, lists all the different symptoms he’s experiencing, and then proceeds to talk over me while I try to explain that his blood tests came back positive for type 2 diabetes. I’ve made countless attempts to suggest he change his diet and lifestyle, but he has literally cut me off every single time to talk about how much he loves eating at the new Olive Garden.”

Metts attempted to clear his name via a 32-minute long message over seven separate voicemails.

“Do you really think I’m the type of person to rudely talk over people?” Metts asked before diving into a full-blown, unrelated rant. “Because I’m not that type of person at all — I know how to talk to people. I wouldn’t ask someone a question and not wait for an answer. Who does that? My Uncle Lenny would, that’s who. He was a factory worker in Pittsburgh. Great guy, honestly. Heard he got a little weird after Vietnam, but that doesn’t make him a bad guy.”

“Speaking of Vietnam, you ever seen that show ‘M.A.S.H.?’” Metts added. “It’s great.”

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