LOS ANGELES — Punk “Top Chef” contestant Mitch Volz celebrated his immunity in an elimination round on last night’s show by using the last 10 seconds of his “Quickfire Challenge” to do one more whip-it.
“The key to success on ‘Top Chef’ is creating dishes that are simple, clean, and from the heart. Yeah, you cook to the challenge, but you also have to bring some of yourself to each dish — and if you do it right, you’ll have time for a celebratory shot of hippie crack at the end of the round,” said Volz. “Over the years, I’ve cooked in enough rat-infested anarchist collectives that I’ve learned how to properly elevate some rich asshole’s half-eaten, leftover nachos into full-blown, gourmet squatter chili. It’s amazing what a little smoked paprika and a careful braise can do for a meal.”
The “Quickfire Challenge,” which involved dumpster diving at a Whole Foods for dessert ingredients, stonewalled most of the other contestants — a fact not lost on judge Graham Elliot.
“A hallmark of any great chef is rising to the challenge of the moment and adapting your dish to what you have on hand. And [Volz] is better than anyone at grabbing any old, rotting crap we’ve got lying around and making it absolutely exquisite,” said Elliot. “For dessert tonight, Mitch found a half-drank 40 oz., worked it into a cake batter, and microwaved that shit until it came out perfectly moist and flavorful. You bet your ass he earned some nitrous. I hope he got high as fuck.”
However, not all are happy about Volz’s ongoing success on “Top Chef.”
“I can’t stand this fucking guy. He’s like a cockroach: nothing will kill him on this show,” admitted “Top Chef” host Padma Lakshmi after the taping. “And it seems like every single challenge, he’s raiding the pantry for free alcohol or trying to get high from something stupid. One round, after he plated his entrée, he made a bong from a watermelon, and it got all of our contestants absolutely ripped.”
In the final moments of the episode, Volz won his challenge by serving his microwaved 40 oz. cake with “Fuck Tom Colicchio” written in elegant Olde English icing.