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10 Vinyl Inspection Tips to Make It Look Like You Know What You Are Looking For

So, you are buying some used vinyl at your local record shop and the clerk asks if you want to inspect them before you pay. Suddenly, you are covered in a cold sweat. You don’t know what to even look for but you don’t want to look like a commoner in front of the guy you buy records from. Don’t worry, we have you covered, here are some tips for faking your way through it.

10. Hold The Record Up At Eye Level
What are you looking for? I don’t know? Warping I guess. You’ve seen other people do this, so I assume it is helpful. Use this as an opportunity to steal a glance at the clerk to see if he is judging you. He probably is.

9. Tilt The Album To Try And Catch The Light
I guess this is to see if there are any scratches. Shit, there is one! Now what? Do you say you don’t want it? Maybe it is just a scuff mark and you can wash it off? Can you wash vinyl. Fuck, you are taking to long, just put it back in its sleeve and buy it. You’re never going to actually listen to Joan Baez’s Greatest Hits anyway.

8. Test It On The Store’s Turntable

Ask to test the record on the store’s turntable, press the headphones to your ear like you are listening for something really specific, nod your head like you are agreeing to something you hear.

7. Knock OnThe Vinyl
Or is that to see if a loaf of bread is done baking? Do it anyway and see if the clerk looks impressed. He doesn’t! Stop doing it, you fool!

6. Spin It Like A Coin On The Counter
Place the record on its edge and give it a hefty spin. If it lands on the B-Side, the music is imbalanced and will affect the audio quality, probably.

5. Throw It Like A Frisbee At The Wall

Vinyl should be durable and be able to withstand an impact. If the vinyl shatters it was clearly of poor quality and you should refuse to pay for the damaged merchandise.

4. Pour Water On It

If the water funnels to the center of the record then the vinyl was properly produced. If it drains off the sides then it is broken. The opposite is true if you live in the Southern Hemisphere.

3. Drop a single hair onto the edge of the record and see if it cuts in half
Vinyl is supposed to be sharp, right?

2. Flick Your Tongue On It
Honestly, any decent oral sex advice can also be attributed to buying vinyl. Rub it in circular motions, use your fingers, apply vibrating devices.

1. Throw The Records At The Clerk and Flee
You fucked up! Just run for it and start going to a record shop in another town.