RICHMOND, Va. — Local punk and self-proclaimed scene veteran Rory “Iceman” Phillips was denied a free Grand Slam at Denny’s this morning, a perk the establishment offers to all military veterans in honor of Veteran’s Day.
“This is such bullshit. It’s a sad state of affairs when a loyal scene veteran such as myself is denied the benefits so many other veterans enjoy routinely in this country,” bemoaned Phillips. “First they deny me the 10% discount at Home Depot, and now this? I earned these vest patches with blood, sweat, and the discipline to not fall into the merch table after doing shots the whole night. Where’s my parade?!”
Denny’s employees recounted the disruption.
“I didn’t know what the hell he was talking about, to be honest,” offered Denny’s server, Brandy Hobbs. “He kept going off about all the ‘crazy-ass shows’ he’s been to over the years, as if it was the same danger a soldier faces in combat. He even bragged about his hearing damage from standing right next to a PA system once. I just can’t with this guy. Nuttier than a squirrel turd, if you ask me.”
Sensing that Denny’s would not give him the complimentary breakfast, Phillips instead pleaded his case to fellow Denny’s patrons as they attempted to enjoy their meals.
“You ever been trapped in a circle pit for 45 minutes straight without any means of escape to get more beer? Didn’t think so!” barked Phillips. “I’m at the show from opener to headliner every weekend — I hand out fliers, I buy merch, I wait to take a dump when I get home so I don’t clog up the venue toilet. Call it sacrifice, loyalty, an overwhelming sense of duty… take your pick. For your tomorrow, I gave my today, ever since I was 13 and my older brother Donny started bringing me to shows! Think about that when you dive into your Moons Over My Hammy!”
Following the bedraggled denim vest-wearing scenester’s outburst, the Denny’s manager felt he had no choice but to throw the man out, warning that Phillips’ antics would not be tolerated at his family restaurant and to “take that shit over to IHOP.”