The Top 10 Vehicular Soccer Games of the 2010s

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

This decade has seen a proliferation of brand new kinds of games. From Battle Royale to auto battlers, it was truly as innovative a span of time as this young art form has seen. Today, it is our pleasure to rank the best of my personal favorite of these new genres; the white hot Vehicular Soccer genre that absolutely exploded this decade. 

10. Car Soccer 2k16 – While some see this as merely a second rate VS game, its devoted fanbase will tell you that this series has quietly polished its engine over the last several years and is a reliable and fun little drivey scorey. We don’t disagree! 2016’s release probably had the best features, but really any title is worth giving a shot.

9. Goalie Guacamole! – This Switch exclusive was fun at first, but frankly suffered from an overabundance of guacamole. It was just everywhere. Luckily, Rad Time Games has promised to tone down the guacamole in next year’s Goalie Guacamole 2: Full Court Mess!

8. Need for Speed: Soccer – This game suffered from many things, but perhaps none as much as the severe lack of promotion EA gave it’s long-running racing franchise’s pivot into the burgeoning Vehicular Soccer genre. There’s plenty to like here, such as customization options and the robust selection of cars, but the fact that the online Neighborhoods mode is already a ghost town makes it hard to fully endorse this game in 2019. 

7. I Have No Foot and Yet Must Kick – This ambitious indie title split audiences over whether its post apocalyptic story of robotic sport cars achieving consciousness and overthrowing their human oppressors was innovative and inspiring or pretentious and not an actual VS game. We’re somewhere in the middle of the two camps. The story is heartbreaking, and Michael Shannon’s performance as Crashtar was one of the decade’s best performances, but at the end of the day, there’s just very little soccer in this game. 

6. Sprintires: MudRunner: Soccer – This hyper realistic vehicular soccer title certainly wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but it scored huge with players who appreciated this ultra realistic simulation. Players coordinated the movement of a giant concrete soccer ball from one end of the field to the other in a campaign mode that stretched over dozens of missions. The roster of vehicles in S:T:S is certainly the largest on this list, featuring everything from bulldozers to that little wheelie thing they paint the soccer lines with. The lack of PvP, vehicle customization, and any sort of scoring held this treat of a game from scoring higher on the list. 

5. Excitebike 64 (Bonus Mode) – I’m aware that this game came out in 2000, but I just played this game for the first time and holy fuck. You have to try the soccer game in this. Truly an influence on the proliferation of vehicular soccer games over the last decade. 

4. FIFA 18 – FIFA is a long running series that has perfected its engine and found a very dedicated following. Not much to applaud nor detract here, just a solid vehicular soccer game that leans heavier on the soccer than the mechanical side many of the genre tends to focus on. Some debate the inclusion of these games in rankings of VS titles, but if you think about it, people are sort of like vehicles.

3. Rocket League – While this might top many people’s lists of best vehicular soccer games of the decade, cult favorite Rocket League sadly suffers from a few missteps that keep it from the top. While the games frenetic, tactical matches blend kinetic sports moments with deep strategy and team effort, things like a clunky loot box system hold it back from perfection. Is it the most popular vehicular soccer game of the decade? Undoubtedly. Is it the best vehicular soccer game of the decade? Not quite.  

2. Tyler Gorbson’s Big Wheel Shootin’! – Released a year before Gorbson’s extramarital affairs and controversial statements about his missing son overshadowed his legendary career in the VSL, he graced one of the decade’s finest vehicular soccer titles that sadly was never able to blossom into the series it was meant to be. A co-op game for the ages, it is sadly hard to play this game today without thinking of the tragic public unraveling of Tyler Gorbson. 

1. Kick ‘Em, Drive ‘Em, Score ‘Em! – Well here it is, the big one. Justin Montosoya’s follow up to his controversial Civil War Kitchen! took the genre to new scary places and frankly, everything else is still trying to catch up. From the glistening of the astro turf to the incredibly nuanced family progression system, every single idea in KEDESE! is an absolute highlight. Letting the players get out of the trucks to kick the giant ball was an OMG! moment in gaming that paralleled seeing Mario in 3D for the first time. 

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Bomb Squad Called After Noise Rock Musician Forgets Pedalboard at Bus Station

Posted on by James Knapp

INDIANAPOLIS — Bomb squad technicians responded this morning to a call about a suspicious, unattended device left at a Greyhound bus terminal, which turned out to be a pedalboard forgotten by Garbage Alarm guitarist Earl Stafford.

“I saw this weird contraption with a bunch of wires and buttons and junk just sitting outside the station, so I called it in,” said assistant manager Kenny Wilpon, still shaken from the scare. “I was just gonna ignore it, since my shift was almost over and I really didn’t feel like dealing with it… until I saw what looked like a digital wristwatch wired into some box labelled, ‘Cyborg Butthole Murderer.’ I don’t even know what the hell that means, but it sounded like trouble.”

Bomb squad leader Sgt. Joe Freed noted a substantial number of emergency calls involve unnecessarily complicated musical equipment in some way.

“I’d say at least two or three times a month, we get called out because some noise rocker forgot a gnarly piece of gear somewhere,” said Sgt. Freed. “I remember a few years back, someone peaked in the Melvins’ tour van while parked outside of a Red Robin and thought the thing was wired to blow the entire block straight to hell. Unfortunately, we have to treat every threat seriously, and follow our ‘render safe’ procedure. Boy, those guys were not happy with us.”

For his part, Stafford was not happy with how responders handled his forgotten pedalboard.

“I don’t see why they had to blow up my pedals, dude. I was only gone for like, 20 minutes, trying to score some beer for the road. I even left on a note on the board that read, ‘Touch this and I’ll fucking kill you,’ and when I got back, there’s cops in bomb suits with a bunch of news helicopters,” said Stafford. “It was actually pretty hardcore when they drove that robot with the shotgun up to it and blasted away. I’m still mad, but if there was any way it was gonna go, it should’ve been like this.”

Stafford later attempted to play “Taps” on his unplugged electric guitar, while the rest of Garbage Alarm buried the pedalboard’s remains.

Romantic Date Night Spent Brutally Mocking Couple One Table Over

Posted on by Ted Pillow

DETROIT — Married couple Jason and Holly Erickson spent their fifth anniversary dinner on Saturday night savagely roasting an “atrocious” couple at a nearby table, amused sources at Italian restaurant Beppa di Boppa confirmed.

“After five years of marriage, Jason and I have covered every possible conversational topic three times over,” said Mrs. Erickson. “So we were mostly just arguing over whether to share two pastas or each get our own — he always thinks he can eat more than he can, and we always end up throwing out leftovers. But as soon as these two complete bags of trash came in and ordered a pitcher of Red Bull vodkas, Jason and I dropped our menus and got right to work. We haven’t had this much fun in years.”

The Ericksons took turns brutally roasting the awful couple in hushed tones for more than two hours.

“I thought this restaurant had a dress code, but the guy was wearing sweatpants with a belt for some fucking weird reason. My God, those people were offensive to all five senses,” said Mr. Erickson. “And I didn’t even know a woman could have an alt-right haircut. But making fun of their unholy union actually reminded me of what brought my wife and I together in the first place: those tears I shed when Holly said that the guy looked like the missing evolutionary link between Mark McGrath and Guy Fieri? Those weren’t just tears of laughter.”

The restaurant’s staff witnessed firsthand as the Ericksons rekindled their flame by scorning their fellow patrons.

“Jason and Holly have been coming here for years, but I can’t remember the last time I saw such passion between them,” remarked waiter Freddy Owens. “I swear, I saw twinkles in their eyes when that other couple started arguing about whether it’d better for their Insta brand if they got a kitten or became polyamorous. It was like vintage Jim and Pam… except really, really mean.”

Studies show that criticism of other relationships is an essential part of a healthy marriage.

“It’s so important for couples to strengthen their bond by ridiculing other people’s love,” said relationship expert Dr. Meredith Harrison-Peters. “That’s why my wife and I have an amazing marriage: she gets such a kick hearing about all of the pathetic schmucks that come into my office every day.”

At press time, the Ericksons decided to attend a local renaissance fair to keep the spark alive and develop new material.

I Might Be Hardcore but That Doesn’t Mean I’m Not Worried About Alex Trebek

Posted on by Kaitlyn Jeffers

I have a bit of a reputation in the scene. After all, I did get kicked in the face during Cro-Mags at CBGBs in 2002. So needless to say I’m pretty fucking hardcore. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t choke up when I saw Alex Trebek holding back tears on ‘Jeopardy!’ a few weeks ago.

Long before I was punching every 16-year-old in my way to the front of the pit, I was just a little kid watching ‘Jeopardy!’ every night with my family. 6:57pm would roll around and everyone would yell, “Kaitlyn, go turn the TV on!” I would get the pliers and turn the dial to ABC. It was the only time I ever listened to my parents.

Jeopardy! was more than just a show to me. It was a bonding experience for my whole family. We’d sit together and watch the show- it was the only time we actually communicated. We’d watch, play, and discuss things like who would win on the show or who “actually went to fucking college” or who “would never hit the buzzer in time because their brain doesn’t work.”

That bonding over a mutual love of history, the arts, and culture prepared me for the day when I ran into Keith Morris and he started asking me rapid fire questions about all his bands. 

I haven’t had cable since I moved out of my parents’ house because I’m under 50 but when I heard that Alex Trebek was diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer I have to admit I got choked up. So what if I eat broken glass and shit out bullets? I can have feelings too! The only killing I support is crowd killing, which is exactly how I’m going to express my feelings tonight at this show.

Hard Drive Investigates: Is Darth Maul Red With Black Stripes or Black With Red Stripes?

Posted on by Joe Klein

Ever since George Lucas’s sci-fi epic The Phantom Menace premiered in 1999, Star Wars fans have been obsessed with one character: Darth Maul. Speaking only twice in the entire film, the villain’s air of mystery is perhaps his greatest strength. Though some of Maul’s backstory has been revealed through supplementary materials, one question still burns in our minds, hotter than a double-sided lightsaber: Is Darth Maul red with black stripes or black with red stripes?

I mean, if you look at him one way, it seems like black is in the background and the red stripes kind of pop out, you know? But if you keep looking at it, you start to think that maybe the red is the background. The background should be the most prevalent color, and there’s certainly a lot of red! But then again, there’s a lot of black, too. Especially around the horns. (If those are supposed to be horns.)

Let’s look at it a different way. Black is a color that people can be in real life. I’ve seen a lot of black people in my time, but very few bright crimson red people. That would mean that black is probably the base color and red is the accent color. Of course, this theory is a little flimsy on account of the fact that Darth Maul is not a real life person. He is an alien and aliens can be any color. So, we’re back to square one, I guess.

Wait a minute! Remember how I mentioned Darth Maul’s horns earlier? Well, you know who else has horns? Satan, from the Bible. The main thing we all know about Satan, besides that he has horns, is that he is red. George Lucas is known to draw inspiration from the great myths of our time to create his stories. If George Lucas based Darth Maul on Satan, would that mean that he is red with black stripes? Unfortunately, it is impossible to know for sure, as George Lucas did not respond to my requests for comment, no matter how loud I screamed them outside of his bedroom window. 

In the end, there’s not much we can do but speculate. Red and black, or black and red? It could go either way, honestly. The more I think about it, it’s really not that important. What really matters is that Darth Maul had a double-sided lightsaber.

What do you think? Is Darth Maul red with black stripes or black with red stripes?

 

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

No One on DIY Tour Can Change Tire

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

MUNCIE, Ind. — Touring band The Those is stranded between shows in the middle of nowhere today after discovering that no one in the indie-rock quartet could manage the relatively simple task of changing a punctured tire by themselves.

“Standing on the side of the road made me realize something: if the apocalypse hits and the remaining humans are forced to resort to a primitive bartering system, my flyer-making skills and ability to load and unload the van aren’t going to be worth shit,” said drummer Terrence Anderson. “The sad part is, I sincerely believed we were all about DIY ethics, just because we spent our 20s recording a bunch of shitty EPs ourselves and called some venues a few states over to book shows. Meanwhile, my grandma knew how to field dress a hog at my age. We’re lucky we haven’t all starved to death or something on this tour. Such hubris.”

Bassist Melinda Palmer eventually took matters into her own hands after realizing they needed someone else to “DI.”

“The four of us dicked around for a few hours, pretending like we knew how to work the jack and opening and closing the hood for some reason. Eventually, I called my dad and he called AAA for us,” said Palmer. “I rode with the tow truck driver to the garage while the band waited at a nearby diner. Turns out, the mechanics are in a metal band and they need a bassist — maybe I could join their group?”

Venue owner Sammi Richardson was frustrated that The Those did not make it to the show last night.

“This is unfortunately incredibly common for bands on so-called DIY tours: while they certainly have a minimal amount of musical skills, none of them are particularly useful, or know things that could transfer over to a worthwhile profession… or could even just get them through a minor setback,” said Richardson. “The truth is, aside from a very small percentage of them that can actually write a decent song, most touring musicians have absolutely nothing to contribute to society.”

At press time, the band was attempting to scrounge together enough money for a new tire, while simultaneously contemplating if they can drive the three hours to Illinois on a donut.

Photo by Senny Mau.

Fit, Brown-Haired White Guy Tired of Accidentally Cosplaying as Video Game Protagonists

Posted on by Hunter R. Thompson

AUSTIN, Texas — Local thirty-something white man Scott Leonard, a dude of generally normal appearance and slightly above-average physical fitness, has reportedly lost his patience with being mistaken for a cosplayer dressed as various video game protagonists.

“I don’t know what it is,” Leonard said, “but no matter what the hell I do, what I wear, how I act, someone stops me dead to tell me I look like their favorite video game protagonist. I’m just trying to live a normal life without some smelly kid in a gamer t-shirt approaching on the street and telling me I look like Nathan Drake or Commander Shepard or whatever.”

Sources close to Leonard were able to confirm that his status as a white, able-bodied adult male in the modern video game climate has ruined his life.

“I thought I had it bad getting called Hitman every time I come into the office wearing a suit — especially because his name is actually Agent 47,” said Leonard’s balding supervisor Frank Abed, “but this kid can’t catch a break. He puts on a Tommy Bahama shirt? Michael de Santa. Wears his old blazer? Frank West. There’s nothing I can do for him, besides making sure as few customers see his generic face as possible.”

Leonard’s press conference was interrupted by a group of college-aged men walking down Congress Ave., proclaiming that he “looked like Call of Duty” and offering to pay him for a group selfie.

“He looks like—uh, shit, have you ever played that game where the detective dies, and he has to solve his own murder so he can go to Heaven?” a passerby explained to reporters. “No? Okay, how about Talion, I think, from the Lord of the Rings game? Jesus, guys. The dude from Far Cry? What do you mean, ‘which one’?”

Leonard appealed to the mercy of the gaming community to release him from his burden.

“I’m just an ordinary man, trying to live an unassuming life and escape my troubled past. Everything’s been looking up for me lately, and — oh, sorry, I’m getting a phone call, hold on…”

Leonard cut his press conference short and ran away, mumbling something about getting his unit back together and rescuing his daughter from Russian mercenaries.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Office Punk Who Always Had Presenters Back Moves Up to Front of Conference Room

Posted on by Daniel Louis

BALTIMORE — Local office punk Sean Cruz reportedly moved up front and center yesterday to represent for his colleague during a Q4 earnings presentation, according to meeting attendees.

“Dave Mills and I came up as interns in the Operations Research Analysis scene together,” Cruz said while entering the conference room. “So to see Dave headlining the agenda now is huge. I’m so proud of him and had to get up front and show it — when he launches into the fiscal year sales projections, I’m gonna go off.”

Colleagues were confused by the kinship and brotherhood shared by the two former interns.

“We typically sit in chairs at meetings. In fact, we always sit in chairs,” said VP of International Research Larry Roman. “But he was so stoked for ‘his boy’ that he got up and stood 10 feet from the podium with his arms crossed, and pointed his finger along to all the figures in the presentation. When the pie chart slide came on and nobody really reacted, he yelled at everyone to ‘get the fuck up’ and called us all ‘posers who sit in the back of the conference room checking LinkedIn on their phones.’”

However, Cruz wasn’t the only one impressed with the presentation, despite technical hang-ups.

“You’d think a Fortune 500 company could afford better gear: the projector was cutting out of focus and the PA mic was shit,” said IT Manager Emily Moreno, who helped load-in a backline of laptops and HDMI cables.

“All in all, it was a sick set,” Moreno continued. “Of data points.”

Cruz has since pledged to ensure that his colleague’s work will no longer go unnoticed at the 10th and 11th floor Park Avenue offices.

“More people need to come out and see Dave’s quarterly earnings recap,” said Cruz while printing out copies of Mills’ Outlook calendar. “I’ll post these up around the watercooler and bathrooms. And fuck you if you have a conflict.”

Ungrateful Make-A-Wish Kid Doesn’t Even Smile for Photo with John Cena

Posted on by Dan Luberto

DAYTON, Ohio — Terminally ill child Marcus Walsh received a visit from WWE legend John Cena this week, but couldn’t be bothered to smile or show any gratitude for the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, disgusted sources confirmed.

“Mr. Cena took time out of his busy schedule to come here and let this kid touch his biceps, and that pale little shit couldn’t even smile for a few photos. What a fucking prick,” said Carolyn DeRosa, an organizer for Make-A-Wish. “Get off your high horse, kid. If we’d known he was going to be such a stiff, we would’ve sent him Roman Reigns and called it a day.”

The visit, which millions of perfectly healthy kids would surely appreciate, didn’t seem to mean much to Walsh, whose pouty face and smug attitude towards meeting a celebrity cast a dark shadow over the event.

“I don’t know what this kid’s fucking problem is,” said an exasperated Maureen Walsh, Marcus’ mother. “He used to make a mess doing five knuckle shuffles in the living room, but now that John’s actually here, he won’t even open his eyes, and just keeps complaining about how much his stomach hurts. I told him to quit being a ‘little whiny diaper boy’ and show some respect, but the little drama queen just started coughing up blood.”

The Walsh’s backyard was decorated with streamers and a replica WWE ring for Cena’s visit, but none of it was put to use, thanks to the sick boy’s bad attitude.

“I’ve done thousands of these things, and this is the first time I’ve truly hated a dying child. Back when I was a kid, it didn’t matter if you had cancer or not: when you met an adult, you smiled and shook their hand,” said Cena from the Walsh family garage, after he did a set of 100 push ups to burn off steam. “You can bet your ass he’s not getting this VIP ticket to the premiere of ‘Fast and Furious 9.’”

At press time, the Walsh family reported their son had taken a turn for the worse, and was spending some time with the undertaker.

‘Magic: the Gathering’ Player Confident Opponent Isn’t Ready for New Deck’s Secret Weapon

Posted on by Peter Casciato

NEW YORK — Local Magic: the Gathering player George Plott told friends that he possesses a new deck with a “secret weapon” that he thinks will even the playing field in future tournaments, according to those familiar with the situation.

“All of my friends have been playing tier one meta decks, and I just don’t have the cash to keep up with them. It felt like I hadn’t won a game in months,” said Plott, unlocking a steel briefcase with his new deck inside. “I was honestly considering leaving Magic and finding a more balanced game. I’d heard good things about Hearthstone. Things were looking low.”

“That’s when I decided to add a knife to my deck.”

According to Plott, he originally got the idea from watching Magic: the Gathering content creators.

“I was watching this streamer Merchant complain about how broken standard is currently, and how there’s no really counterplay to the best decks,” Plott continued. “And I was thinking, there’s got to be something that no one has thought of. And then it hit me: I should put an actual weapon to my deck. Something that can’t be stopped by mere Magic cards.”

Sources close to Plott said that he then took to Twitch to proudly show off his deck and explain the innovative mechanics. 

“The strategy is to run a lot of card draw and deck filtering,” Plott told viewers. “You want to draw the knife as quickly as possible. If you can’t get a knife, you can always fashion a shank out of various household objects. The point is to make it clear that you will shank your opponent with no remorse.”

Plott told the stream that he was incredibly excited to show off his new deck at his next “Friday Night Magic” event, believing that his new strategy was going to completely dominate the competition.  

“I’ve always done a lot of deck brewing, but nothing I’ve ever made has been as cool as this. I don’t want to brag or anything, but I think there’s a real possibility that this could be a meta-changing deck. 

At press time, Plott  was reportedly holding a knife to another player’s throat, threatening to “Gut you like goddamn fish if you play one more fucking counter spell.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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