Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Scientists Predict All Erotic Asphyxiation Will Be Automated by 2028

Posted on December 6, 2019 by John Danek

PITTSBURGH — Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University released a disturbing report today predicting that 100% of erotic asphyxiation will be automated by the year 2028, potentially damaging multiple job-creating sectors.

“With the proliferation of smart technologies, Bluetooth devices, and sex dolls capable of choking the user, we predict that manual erotic asphyxiation will become a thing of the past,” states the peer-reviewed report from CMU’s Heinz College of Information Systems and Public Policy. “We have tested all available technology-assisted methods, and can confirm that they are way, way better. There will be no reason to use your own hand or tie your own noose just to get that perfect nut.”

Lead researcher Dr. Sally Deng elaborated on the ramifications.

“While it seems like an innocuous change in societal behavior, the effects could be far reaching,” explained Dr. Deng. “For example, many people don’t realize that 62% of belt and noose sales go to the art of erotic choking to enhance the pleasure of masturbation — many companies won’t be able to withstand the reduction in sales. Also, funeral homes will see a severe dropoff in business, as these smarter technologies are over 81% better at avoiding fatal results that are totally Google-able. We have surviving relatives to think about here.”

The trend of automation is already starting to have negative effects on small business owners.

“I run a website that features tutorials, tips, and forums for all your choke-bating needs, but traffic is declining steadily declining,” said Rick Sabbatini, owner of ChokingTheChicken.edu. “With all this new technology and code and algorithms, people aren’t going to need to teach themselves the self-choking arts. Maybe a small, underground community of previously unsatisfied women and recently divorced dudes will keep the old ways alive for future generations. We can only hope.”

As of press time, every researcher on the Carnegie Mellon team has been fired after it was revealed that funding was intended to be used for researching the prevention of “aquatic asphyxiation” for marine biologists using lower-cost submarines.

We Sat Down With Rivers Cuomo Because All the Other Seats in the Cafeteria Were Taken

Posted on December 6, 2019 by Freelancer

Since the release of their critically acclaimed debut album, Weezer has long-stood as one of the most influential alternative rock bands from 1994 to 1996 and for like a minute in 2001. We met up with frontman Rivers Cuomo and heard all about the band’s upcoming projects and evolving sound. Not because we scheduled an interview with him, but because there were no other available seats in the cafeteria we both happened to be eating at.

Here’s the conversation we were forced to have with Rivers Cuomo because literally every other seat was taken and we accidentally made eye contact so it would have been weird if we left:

Hard Times: Hey, is anyone sitting here?

Rivers Cuomo: You are! It’s great to meet you guys, thanks so much for having me.

HT: Uh… no problem.

RC: I’m sorry it’s just me today. I called Brian, Scott, and Pat to see if they were free to join, but none of them answered. I thought maybe their phones were dead, but I just saw on Brian’s Instagram story that they’re all at Six Flags right now.

HT: Oh… sorry, man.

RC: Yeah, I get pretty bad motion sickness but it would have been nice to be invited, at least. But enough about me, you’re probably wondering what’s next for Weezer!

HT: Um, sure. Why not? What’s, uh… going on with you guys?

RC: Well, we’re working on a new sound for our next record. I can’t tell you very much but it’s kind of like Yo Gabba Gabba meets The Cure under a highway overpass in the dead of night and they team up to kill God.

HT: Damn that’s… that’s great.

RC: You okay? You keep dipping the same fry in ketchup over and over.

HT: Yeah we just have to use the bathroom real quick.

Thankfully, I was able to pull the fire alarm at this point because I didn’t want to hurt Rivers Cuomo’s feelings. Though, looking back, this was arguably one of the more informative interviews we’ve done. He’s super weird though, I’m still glad I bounced.

Stephen King Bangs Out ‘The Winds of Winter’ on a Tuesday for Shits and Giggles

Posted on December 6, 2019 by Dan Kozuh

BANGOR, Maine — Prolific horror writer Stephen King reportedly penned the long-anticipated sixth book in George R. R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire fantasy series on a Tuesday afternoon just for the fuck of it, sources have confirmed.

“I had read the first five books and I was just tired of waiting,” King said. “So, I was in between projects on a rainy day and just spit out about 400,000 words before dinner. I was really just dicking around, but before I knew it, I had resolved the whole Meereenese Knot. I didn’t publish it or anything, because I wanted to give George a shot, but it’s actually pretty simple. I didn’t even include my original idea of having Tyrion transported to the real world.”

King’s wife, Tabitha King, was reportedly the only one to have read any of the transcript before he casually tossed it into the fireplace.

“It was pretty good for something he wrote in between hands of online poker,” Mrs. King said. “It ran a bit long and there was a whole bit about a dragon’s penis that was pretty unnecessary, but I actually liked it better than the other A Song of Ice and Fire books that take that guy like four years to write. I did think the ending was a little underwhelming, though.”

When reached for comment George R. R. Martin seemed none-too-pleased about his fellow scribe treading on his flagship series for the mere fun of it.

“Look, I get farting around instead of hunkering down and finishing something else,” said Martin. “But this is my life’s work you’re talking about, and it means a lot to my fans. It reminds me of what NFL defensive end Chris Long said in my recent five part interview I posted on my website — you owe it to your fans to treat them with respect.”

King has announced on his Twitter page that he next plans to rewrite the entire Wheel of Time series without using the letter ‘N’ as a writing exercise before bed.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

REPORT: Cool TV Show Using Punk Version of Christmas Song

Posted on December 6, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

HOLLYWOOD — CBS sitcom “Bright Spot” used a punk cover of the holiday classic “Santa Baby” recorded by The Erectroplasms for this year’s Christmas episode that aired last night, outraging fans of both the show and the band.

“We recorded an ironic version of the song for a compilation called ‘Punk as Fuck Christmas.’ I’d never even heard of this show before, but apparently this piece of crap is crazy popular… despite literally no one I know having ever even watched it,” said Erectroplasms guitarist Jay “Slay” Flowers. “I tried watching the show to hear how they used our song, but it was so bad, I turned it off after the second time the shitty little daughter yelled, ‘Bahama mama!’ and the fake audience erupted in laughter.”

The hit show was created by noted producer Craig Lawry, and stars Isla Fisher as a new, Millennial mom who moves back to Oklahoma to live with her Baby Boomer mother, played by Margo Martindale.

“Sure, I’m a millionaire who built a career on hack sitcoms, but I still like to think of myself as very punk rock… which is why I picked this song,” said Lawry, sniffing erratically despite not having a cold. “I just got so many edgy ideas like that, you know? Like, what if we did a show where Isla’s character hits her head, and then it’s a ‘Wizard of Oz’ thing? We could use a punk version of ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow.’ No sitcom has ever done a ‘Wizard of Oz’ parody before, right?”

Typical viewers of the show, however, like 67-year-old retiree Martha Thomas, could not stand the “ungodly” punk song.

“It’s bad enough these snowflakes tried to ruin ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ by suggesting the song is about rape — honey, in my day, that was just a first date. Now these ‘punkers’ are infiltrating our primetime television spots,” said Thomas. “I don’t want to be alarmed by aggressive music right before I go to bed… especially music crafted by Satan himself. I plan on writing a letter to the studio to get this show taken off the air.”

Lawry is reportedly working on a pitch for a new show called “God Save the Greenes,” which will be about siblings Chase and Isabel Greene, who inherit a Berkeley-area punk club from their rebellious grandmother.

Office Party Not Sure What to Expect After Mailroom Guy Wraps Karaoke Mic Cord Around Wrist

Posted on December 5, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

TRENTON, N.J. — New mailroom employee Cole Horrigan surprised his coworkers at Tremont Auto Insurance Thursday night when he wrapped the karaoke mic cord around his wrist before launching into a rendition of Blood for Blood’s “Wasted Youth Crew” at a company party.

“It was nice to see everyone at the party… even the new, really intense mailroom guy, Cole,” said salesperson Jeannette Mcintyre. “He ate his meal in the corner of the room with his arm around his plate as if he thought someone might steal his deviled eggs. So you can imagine my surprise when he was first in line for karaoke: he must’ve flipped through the song book for 10 minutes before handing the DJ a CD and saying, ‘Just play this, I don’t need lyrics on the screen.’ Then he started punching himself in the forehead and took off.”

Mailroom supervisor Del Garrison was equally shocked.

“After he picked a song, he ducked behind the copier… I guess to psych himself up. Then he popped off his shirt and started pacing back and forth between the dessert table and sandwich trays,” said Garrison. “Of course, the song was a cheesy, instrumental, karaoke version of what seemed like a pretty heavy song, so it definitely took a lot of the edge off. But he still kept demanding everyone ‘get the fuck up on their feet,’ which made Jenn from Accounts Receivable cry on account of her severe gout.”

Despite this, CEO and suspected alcoholic John White was impressed by Horrigan’s “spunk” and “plucky attitude.”

“When I heard Cole dedicate his song to ‘the real motherfuckers in accounting,’ I knew he was destined for upper management — that’s why I immediately put him in charge of his own quality assurance team,” said White while taking sips from a pocket flask. “Sure, he’s got no business experience to speak of, no higher education, no qualms about screaming obscenities in his coworkers’ faces, and he’s currently on probation… but this guy has got moxie.”

For his first managerial act, Horrigan is planning to take his employees on a team-building field trip, which appears to be little more than stalking his ex-wife and her new boyfriend.

Gamer Stealths Past Another Major Life Milestone

Posted on December 5, 2019 by Kiel Lewis

INDIANAPOLIS — Local gamer Reggie Farenholt successfully applied decades of sneaking experience to stealth past the major life event of marriage, engaged sources confirmed.

“When I asked my lovely fiance to marry me, I knew I was going to be in for a challenge,” said prolific stealth gamer Reggie Farenholt, adjusting his grip on his controller to accommodate for his new engagement ring. “I’ve managed to avoid moving out of my parents’ house, establishing a career, and losing my virginity for decades, but I knew that avoiding marriage with my fiance would force me to push the limits of avoiding personal growth.”

Last year, Farenholt proposed to his girlfriend of nearly a decade, setting in motion a series of skillfully dodged planning and social events leading up to the chronically postponed wedding day.

“When Reggie asked me to marry him, I was ecstatic,” said Farenholt’s fiance Marissa Fernandez. “But I haven’t seen Reggie much at all since he replaced all notifications on his phone with the Metal Gear Solid enemy alert sound.”

In addition to these personal and relationship woes, Farenholt also currently faces a dubious legal challenge related to suspiciously altered marriage filings.

“Mr. Farenholt is currently a suspect for tampering with marriage documents,” said Marion County Police Spokesperson Amelia Fritz. “We have not managed to find footage of him entering the courthouse and replacing the certification stamp ink with a disappearing equivalent, but this reveals significant weaknesses in security due to camera blind-spots, easily distracted guards, and publicly accessible ventilation ducts that can somehow accommodate a fully grown adult.”

At press time, Farenholt was choking out a wedding officiant and muttering regrets about “opting for a non-lethal run” prior to his wedding ceremony.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

First Kiss Not at All What Porn Made It out to Be

Posted on December 5, 2019 by Ben Friedman

COLTS NECK, N.J. — Local eighth grader Steve McKenzie was confused and disillusioned last week when his first kiss at last night’s school dance did not immediately escalate into a hardcore fuckfest, as the pornography he’s played on constant rotation suggested, fellow classmates reported.

“When Julie asked me to dance, I’ll admit I was already rocking a semi — but if the hours upon hours of porn I’ve watched have taught me anything, it’s to play it cool,” said McKenzie, visibly sweating and pacing in the boys bathroom after. “In the middle of the song, she leaned in and kissed me… but then, like, that was it! Like, what was I supposed to do with my hands? When was I supposed to grab her ass, and why didn’t she ever grab my dick? I felt this sneaking suspicion that porn lied to me.”

McKenzie was not the only one reeling from dashed expectations, as his dance partner and secret admirer Julie Jones also saw the night playing out differently.

“At the first slow song, I asked [McKenzie] if he wanted to dance, and my heart nearly exploded when he said yes,” Jones said. “I kissed him in the middle of ‘Ransom,’ and it was perfect… but then he started asking if I ‘like that.’ I didn’t think I was projecting vibes that would lead him to ask if I’d blow him behind the gym bleachers. Plus, like… what the hell is a ‘full nelson?’”

The awkward encounter did not go unnoticed by their fellow peers — in particular, referring to McKenzie’s inability to act like a normal human being.

“Oh my God. Steve is such a dumbass: he honestly told me he thought Julie would just tear his clothes off and fuck him while we just all went about our night, avoiding eye contact,” said classmate Jack Boyle. “I like the guy, but maybe if he actually took the time to speak to girls and not be on his phone, burning through his family’s data plan while jacking it in the bathroom, he would’ve stood a chance.”

At press time, it was learned that Jones gave McKenzie a second chance a few days later, only to be disappointed yet again as porn led her to believe that men knew where to find the clitoris.

What It’s Like to Be Diagnosed With Depression More Severe Than Yours

Posted on December 5, 2019 by Griffin Constant

Over 7.5 million people in the U.S are diagnosed with depression. As our world becomes more complicated the issue is only getting worse. If you are a healthy person reading this it is my sincere hope to enlighten you about the pain and suffering someone in your life may be going through right now. And if you’re a depressed person reading this, it is my sincere hope to educate you about how much more intense my depression is than yours.

Don’t call me a hero. Seriously don’t. I’ll just make a self-deprecating remark shrugging it off and it will come off as insulting.

To those who do not have this illness, depression weighs you down and keeps your entire being in a fog. You’ll feel all of the guilt and shame of not fulfilling your obligations, but with none of the energy or emotional stamina to get out of bed. To those of you who do have depression, just be glad it’s not as bad as mine. That’s real pain, friend.

I’m know that being depressed isn’t like a competition. I just want it to be known that if it were a competition, I would be fucking crushing it.

Some people confuse depression with “feeling blue.” Here’s the difference. General sadness is a neurotypical emotion that everyone experiences from time to time. Depression is a chemical imbalance caused by biological and environmental factors and is often unpredictable and severe enough to cause a loss of employment, friendships and significant other.

Not that I ever had any of those things in the first place, because I am a legit, O.G, on the real sad boy, not some weepy little poser like you. Oh you think you’re hot shit because of your self inflicted scars? I don’t even have the energy to cut myself. Check and mate. Pretty sure I’m winning the sad contest. Again, I know, not a contest. I’m winning though.

In fact, I am so severely depressed I couldn’t even find the motivation to type this. I’m currently in bed watching a “Sopranos” marathon, speaking this as my personal assistant types it up.

If there is someone in your life suffering from depression you need to know that they can’t just “snap out of it.” Just have compassion and let them know you are there for them. And if you are that depressed person, buck the fuck up. A lot of people are way more depressed than you and I’m one of them and I find the level of attention you are getting threatening. Watch your step.

Some might say I’ve “lived a privileged life” that’s kept me “so sheltered that” I’m “completely unaware of the struggles that people actually diagnosed with depression have.” Well, not everyone is healthy enough to go see a doctor and get diagnosed, OK dipshit?

Oh No: Jon Favreau Just Revealed That Baby Yoda’s Name is Mike Pence

Posted on December 5, 2019 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

We have awful news for fans of Star Wars and cute puppets everywhere; The Mandalorian creator Jon Favreau just revealed that Baby Yoda’s actual canonical name in the series is Mike Pence, sharing a name with our current Vice President. Until today, fans have called Mike Pence “Baby Yoda” because no name was given to us and we did not know the name of the species, but Favreau confirmed Mike’s name in a recent interview with E! News.

Although the video of the interview has since gone viral, this is a transcript of how the conversation went down.

E! Reporter: “…and fans love Baby Yoda, he seems to be the most popular character in the series by far.”

Favreau: “Yes and by the way, I’m not sure we’ve mentioned it yet in the show, but Baby Yoda’s actual name is Mike Pence. It’s not a major plot point in the story or anything, but I think it gets mentioned around Chapter Six. I just figured I’d let everyone know that he’s not actually called Baby Yoda, he’s Mike Pence.”

E: “Mike Pence? Like… the Vice President?”

F: “What?”

E: “Mike Pence is the name of Trump’s Vice President.”

F: “The… oh f*ck. God f*cking… I totally forgot about Vice President Mike Pence. It was just a random name I came up with.”

E: “It wasn’t supposed to be a reference to the Vice President?”

F: “I was just looking around my office and saw a bunch of pens and thought, ‘Pence has a good ring to it.’ Jesus f*cking Christ… I can’t believe I’ve named Mike… Baby Yoda…I can’t believe I named him that. Iger’s gonna f*cking kill me.”

E: “Are you a fan of Mike Pence?”

F: “The puppet?”

E: “The Vice President.”

F: “Oh, right. No! I don’t like the Vice President at all! I’m so F*CKED, man! Can you stop pointing that THING at me?!”

The video then cuts out after Favreau lashes out at the camera man.

So what do we do with this information? According to representatives from Disney, Mike’s name is set in stone and cannot be edited out from future episodes until a special edition twenty years from now. As fans of the series and critics of Vice President Mike Pence’s homophobic views, we’re just not sure that we can emtionally handle posting things like “god damn, Mike Pence is just so cute” and “I wanna snuggle up with Mike Pence, my baby,” or even “if Mike Pence was in my car, I’d let him play any music that he wants.”

Star Wars fans are a resilient bunch, however, and perhaps we can get by just calling him Michael or even Mikey Pence if we need to. That being said, it’s still going to hurt when we finally get our hands on the coolest new doll in the galaxy and it says “Mike Pence” right there on the box.

When it comes to ideas on how to navigate these troubling times, we’re all ears; feel free to send us any strategies you come up with on how to deal with this shocking new information about our dear Star Wars friend.

But until then, we must regrettably say despite our hearts pulling against it in every possible direction… “Help me, Mike Pence. You’re my only hope.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Kid Brother of Guitarist Guesses He Has to Learn Bass Now

Posted on December 5, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

MORRISTOWN, N.J. — Local kid brother Mark Walsh claimed his life is “over” last week after his older brother Andrew was gifted a guitar that will inevitably lead to the younger Walsh becoming a lowly bassist, sources close to the downtrodden elementary schooler confirmed.

“I always assumed fate was a bunch of hooey and I could be anything I wanted… that is, until Andrew got a Squier Stratocaster for his birthday,” said a resigned Mark. “Any day now, he’s going to come to me and say, ‘Learn bass or I’ll fucking kill you.’ It’s inevitable. I suppose none of us really have a choice regarding being born, how we’ll die, or whether or not we’ll be roped into becoming a dorky-ass bassist. So it goes.”

Their mother, Dr. Anne Walsh, noticed an immediate change in her youngest son days after Andrew got his guitar.

“Mark had been depressed since Andrew’s birthday, and he finally admitted it was because Andrew got a guitar — he cried that bassists are always the butts of jokes, and never write the good songs, or get girlfriends. I told him that wasn’t true… which is obviously a lie. But I figured this is just a little white lie. Like Santa Claus,” said Dr. Walsh. “I tried to console him by reminding him that Flea and Les Claypool are bassists, but that just made him cry even harder.”

Professional kid brother musician Tommy Stinson knows Mark’s pain all too well, having been forced to learn bass in joining The Replacements.

“It’s proven that 96% of all bassists are kid brothers with older brother guitarists — the other 4% are guys who joined the group late after they already had guitarists. That’s why I started a support group: Little Brother Bassists Anonymous,” said Stinson. “Our mantra is, ‘Just because we play bass, doesn’t mean we’re just bassists.’ It’s important for bass players to believe they can still live fulfilling — and even happy — lives.”

When reached for further comment, however, Stinson refused to answer whether any of that is actually true.

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