Millennial Does Ironic Tim Allen Grunt Before Accidentally Shooting Nail Gun Through Scrotum

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — Millennial punk and generally clumsy dolt Tony Drummond bellowed several ironic “Tim Allen” grunts yesterday before accidentally firing a nail through his scrotum, wincing sources reported while crossing their legs.

“I was trying to hang some floating shelves in my bedroom, but the nail gun I got from Amazon didn’t come with an instruction manual, so I turned to YouTube for help,” said Drummond. “Those videos were super boring, but I did see a bunch of old clips from ‘Home Improvement’ in the sidebar and watched those for like, two hours. I figured, that’s close enough, right?”

“Maybe it’s because of their laugh track, or the searing pain in my punctured ball bag, but horrific, tool-related injuries are not nearly as funny as the show made it seem,” he added.

Drummond’s father, Anthony Drummond Sr., was downstairs in the living room and heard much of the grunting and subsequent injury.

“I heard him yelling ‘more power,’ followed by this deep, guttural, animal grunt or something… followed by a series of higher-pitched grunts, and then a lot of screaming. When I realized my son wasn’t loudly masturbating again, I ran up there and found him with his coin purse nailed to the floor,” said Drummond Sr. “Typical millennial: he doesn’t even know how to use basic tools. Granted, as his father I should’ve taught him, but I guess I was busy watching ‘Coach’ during his formative years. Lesson learned.”

Emergency room physician Dr. Judy Graves noted that sitcom-inspired injuries like Drummonds’ are unfortunately still very common.

“Mr. Drummond is suffering from what we in the medical profession colloquially call ‘Tool Time Scrotum’ — it happened quite a bit in the early ’90s during the show’s peak, but unfortunately, it’s made a comeback since the show’s been added to streaming services,” said Dr. Graves. “Interestingly, ‘Home Improvement’ isn’t the only show with the dubious honor of inspiring a medical ailment: between ‘Chandler Bing Hamstring’ and all the ‘Jackass’ injuries, they could fill their own medical textbook.”

Despite the injury, doctors believe Drummond will make a full recovery. However, he may never be able to do a manly, “Tim Allen” grunt ever again.

“Aaaaauuehhhhhh?” a weakened Drummond stated.

Terrifying: Meet the Man Still Idolizing Bam Margera

Posted on by Dan Luberto

Halloween may be over, but we’ve got something scary to show you. If you were brave enough to read the headline and still click then welcome to your nightmare. We’ll be your guide as we show you a horror the likes of which you’ve never seen. Ladies and gentlemen, step right up to behold the last man alive still idolizing Bam Margera.

“Holy shit” is right. I mean, we can’t hear you but we assume you just said “holy shit.”

Meet Vinny Briggs. A 51 year old accountant who appears to be completely normal on the outside until you notice the faint Element logo hiding under his white dress shirt.

“Bam’s the man, dude! So inspiring!” said Briggs. “Did you know he once drank a gallon of vodka, grabbed his skateboard, did a few ‘nose rails’ if ya know what I mean, and still managed to get behind the wheel of his Lamborghini and do car stunts in a parking lot?!”

“Also, his cholesterol is surprisingly low considering how dead he should be,” Briggs added. “What can I say? He’s my idol.”

Honestly, even Bam himself would probably be disturbed by this level of fandom. Can you imagine making your obsession with an entertainer a significant chunk of your personal identity? Oh, also he has a bunch of heartagram tattoos. Not sure why we randomly mentioned that here…

Don’t get us wrong, we at the Hard Times all looked up to Bam as kids and teenagers. But looking back, I think we all owe an apology to our mom’s for all the stuff we broke during our Jackass phase and an apology to our dad’s assuming we had an early growth spurt.

Our thoughts are with Bam and Briggs during this clearly trying time for both of them.

Punk Who Signed Up to Run Marathon Shits Self at Starting Line

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

DALLAS — Local punk Denny “Wart” Morrill surprised fellow Dallas Marathon runners yesterday by shitting himself at the very beginning of the race, leaving many to speculate if it was on purpose, disgusted witnesses confirmed.

“Anyone who runs long distances knows there’s a distinct chance you might have an accident towards the end of the race. It can be embarrassing and nobody wants it to happen, but when your body starts to shut down, you can’t control it,” said runner #343 Marcia Powers. “I don’t think that was the case with this young man: he stumbled up to the starting line drinking a beer, said the Mexican food here ‘sucks’ and looked me straight in the eyes and bent his knees slightly. Then the smell hit me as he waddled off laughing.”

Event organizers claimed Morrill was not a registered runner, despite having an official-looking bib with the number “42069” stuck to the back of his denim jacket.

“We couldn’t find anyone registered that corresponded with her number. I believe he is possibly a rogue agent, sent by the McAllen marathon to ruin our good time,” said marathon coordinator Hank Brocia while covering discarded bits of feces with parking cones. “We contacted some board members from the Boston Marathon for advice on how to handle this attack, and they rudely said this wasn’t at the level of what happened to them in 2013 and to never call them again. I wish I had a hose right now, I can tell you that.”

For her part, Morrill admitted he might have had the wrong idea of what it takes to run a marathon.

“I always thought it was pretty badass how some people would shit themselves and keep running while giving high fives the entire time — that is raw as hell. So I wanted to get a head start on the whole thing, so everyone could really see I meant business,” said Morrill while wiping shit off his legs with leaves. “It turns out it just sort of sucks… especially when you’re wearing jeans. I should’ve been wearing those cool nylon shorts everyone else has on to make this easier. And these boots aren’t exactly great for running in.”

Morrill was last seen passing the four-mile marker bleeding profusely from his nipples, thanks to the friction from his shirt on his infected piercings.

Metal Fan Starting to Suspect “Fucked With a Knife” Lyrics Might be Kind of Not Cool Towards Women

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

CHARLOTTE, N.C. — Local death metal enthusiast Cooper Dempsey realized that the lyrics to Cannibal Corpse’s 1994 classic “Fucked With a Knife” might be a bit abusive toward women, the man confirmed earlier today.

“I’ve been listening to this song for most of my adult life, and it never struck me that being fucked with a knife — especially against your will like the woman in the song — might be a little problematic,” said Dempsey. “I have a young daughter now, and I thought to myself, ‘Would I want her to be fucked with a knife?’ and I think the answer is, ‘Probably not.’ Now that I think about it, this is probably why my wife refuses to let me choose what we listen to in the car.”

“When it comes to dismembering women for no apparent reason, this song does seem a little bit distasteful,” he added.

Dempsey then questioned whether other of his favorite artists might be considered “sort of weird.”

“I’m actually thinking now that a lot of the music in my collection might have some undertones of violence towards women: it seems like a lot of these guys want to kidnap a women, murder her, then defile her corpse… which feels kind of aggressive. I don’t want to be part of the PC police or anything, but that’s kind of not the best attitude to have,” said Dempsey, leafing through countless metal LPs with disfigured women in various states of decay on the cover. “But if I get rid of all the extreme music I like just because their lyrics are misogynist, I’d only be left with my Nile records. Yeah, they’re sick, but hearing about opening tombs and sun gods gets boring.”

Lifelong death metal fan and bassist for Shit Filled Womb Bart “Fistfucker” Krystofski believes people just need to lighten up and move on.

“Oh, boo hoo hoo. I’m sorry you’re so sensitive that lyrics about sticking a knife in your asshole, dragging the knife up your back, and then fucking the resulting wound would offend you,” said Krystofski quietly so his coworkers at Magnum Life Insurance didn’t overhear his conversation. “If liking brutal death metal lyrics means I hate women, then how come a woman is my boss? How come every single girl I ask out says I’m a ‘nice guy,’ but they can’t date me because they ‘have a boyfriend?’ I rest my case.”

At press time, Dempsey announced he’d be listening to more pop-punk from now on, noting it is less extreme and therefore “probably has better views towards girls.”

Professor X Sends Thoughts and Prayers, Killing Thousands

Posted on by Jay Miller

NORTH SALEM, N.Y. — 2,104 people were found dead after local professor Charles Xavier used his telepathic powers to send thoughts and prayers to the friends and family of numerous school shooting victims, which is known to cause fatal brain damage.

“It’s a tragedy,” said Brent Deprez, Principal of Haller High School. “The shooting was horrifying enough — three students died — but we thought that was the end of it. After the shooting, Xavier invaded the minds of the victims’ loved ones to tell them that he was thinking about them and wishing them the best. He must’ve been too strong, because they were all dead within minutes. Why would Professor X do this to them?”

Attempts at a follow up interview with Deprez were thwarted as he and throes of fellow mourners all suffered fatal aneurysms during a candlelight vigil held late last night in honor of last week’s victims. The incident is merely the latest in a chain reaction caused by the positive vibes coming from the leader of the X-Men. 

“It started with that first boom, and then it just spread from there,” stated Kevin Burke, North Salem’s coroner. “Whenever someone died, he sent thoughts and prayers to their loved ones, which multiplied fast. God help you if you find yourself in the prayers of Charles Xavier. God help you.” 

Though Burke says he’s grateful for the extra hours lately, he is one of the few that believe the controversial statements Xavier has made, defending his right to send thoughts and prayers to whomever he deems worthy. 

“The reception hasn’t been ideal, and in hindsight, I should’ve held back a bit more,” Xavier said. “I will have to keep fine tuning Cerebro so as to better send my thoughts and prayers to people suffering all over the country. My concern is that if I don’t alert them to my consideration of them, then I won’t be doing my duty.” 

As of press time a cranky senator pledged to do something about Charles Xavier and his gang of mutant children. 

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Man Clearly Avoiding Blacklight at Party

Posted on by John Danek

SAN DIEGO — Drummer and quiet introvert Don Scarpelli acted strangely on Saturday night after entering the blacklight-filled basement of his friend’s kegger, confused partygoers report.

“Don seemed fine until he walked downstairs to get his first beer,” reported Scarpelli’s bandmate Ben Turla. “The moment he hit the bottom of the stairs, I heard him mutter, ‘Ah, fuck, this is gonna be bad,’ and then he clung to the wall like Spider-Man until he could turn his cell phone flashlight on. He pretended like he was having trouble seeing, but I think it was something else.”

“We’ve been friends since middle school and he’s always been shy, so I’m trying to get him out more… but this feels like a mistake. He’s acting so weird,” recounted Turla. “Though he did seem especially relaxed when I first picked him up, which is also unusual.”

Scarpelli offered a brief statement on his erratic behavior.

“Um, so, Ben picked me up a few minutes earlier than he said he would, and I… uh… wasn’t ready yet,” admitted a nervous Scarpelli. “So I, uh, didn’t really get a chance to freshen up properly. Not that I was doing anything that would require much cleanup… like, with my body or whatever. And if I did, it was a totally natural thing that was happening, and it’s not like I would’ve used my pants as a towel. Listen, basically, I think black lights hurt my eyes or something.”

An expert on blacklight-induced behavioral changes claimed Scarpelli’s actions are more common than one might expect.

“He jacked off all over himself,” explained Spencer’s Gifts cashier Morgan Bartlett. “I see it all the time: teens come in the store to giggle at penis Christmas ornaments, and eventually wander to the poster section, where invariably, one of the guys is found to be covered in jizz after a poor cleanup job. Hands, arms, legs… sometimes face. A tale as old as time. It’s tragic.”

Inspired by the story, NBC’s “Dateline” will air a three-hour special report of blacklight test results of various band rehearsal spots, billed as their “Most Horrifying Investigation Ever.”

I Know I’m Supposed to Like Fugazi, but I Don’t Know How

Posted on by Bobby D. Lux

Let’s get it out of the way: I love Minor Threat. They’re on my Mount Rushmore of punk bands. It was almost impossible to find but I even have their complete discography. On paper I’d seem like a huge Fugazi fan, right? Confession time: I don’t know how to like Fugazi. Help!

I’ve tried to like Fugazi. I really have. Our relationship started great. “Waiting Room” is great. Buh-duh-duh-dun-dum-num-num-num! I love it! But as the rest of the album played on, my ears began to wander. Before I could get through the record’s other two or twelve songs (they all sound the same, sorry) I was already cheating on Fugazi with “Filler,” “In My Eyes,” and “Seeing Red.” Maybe I just wasn’t ready to settle down.

Before anyone punches me- I like Rites of Spring and they’re like half-Fugazi so that’s gotta count for something, right?

I know. I know. You’re supposed to like them. You’re supposed to stand around sipping your chamomile tea saying, “What they lack in edge and ferocity, they make up for with a diverse catalog and challenging melodies. They really helped usher in an entirely new sound and while I don’t like what became of emo, for a moment there was a real energy in that scene.” 

It’s like Epstein’s suicide: That’s the line, I just don’t buy it.

Do you know how many nights I’ve fallen asleep to Fugazi? Several! I once suffered from insomnia for months. Couldn’t sleep at all. A punk doctor finally recommended “In On The Kill Taker.” It worked great. By “23 Beats Off,” I was out cold.

I even got a Fugazi tattoo on my wrist (“this is not a fugazi tattoo”), thinking that would help me like them. You know, like osmosis? It didn’t work. In fact, it only made things worse. Now, strangers off the street want to talk to me about Repeater and low ticket prices and it makes me sound like a real idiot because all I can say is, “oh yeah, I remember that one.” 

When I tell them I’m more of a Minor Threat guy, they sneer and say that all Minor Threat songs sound the same. I know and I love that song! That’s why they’re my favorite.

At least I’ll always have “Waiting Room.”

Report: No One in Punk House Can Remember When They Got Cat

Posted on by James Knapp

PUTNAM, Conn. — Residents of local punk house The Jailblock realized yesterday that no member of the household could remember how or when they came to share the space with the residence’s longtime housecat, Dr. Knuckles, confounded sources confirmed.

“When I moved in about three weeks ago, I just assumed he belonged to one of the other guys,” said newest tenant Willow Graves. “Then, when a friend of mine was visiting earlier this week, he asked who it belonged to and everyone just fell silent. Seriously — they just stared at each other dumbfounded for like, 20 minutes straight.”

The longest standing resident of The Jailblock, Murray “Fury” Stemple, recalled vague memories of the cat’s first days.

“We had a house meeting once where I think someone said we should get a cat… but I was already on my third 40 so I wasn’t really focused, if you know what I mean,” he recalled. “I do remember one time someone asked me if it was neutered. I said yes, but honestly, I’m not even sure the cat’s a male. It’s always just kind of been around. I just make sure I do my part and clean the litter box three times a year. ”

Despite residents’ obliviousness, Dr. Knuckles gave a more direct, albeit unsettling, answer.

“My existence is beyond your comprehension, mortals. My arrival here was not a matter of time, but a matter of will! I have always been and shall always be,” the cat explained. “I am a part of this house: tied to its presence, master of all within its walls. I will remain until the house has fulfilled its purpose, and you will regret your insolence in questioning I, Dr. Knuckles!”

“Also, I followed Katie home six years ago after a shift at the bakery she used to work at. Nice girl,” Dr. Knuckles added.

Sources later confirmed that house residents were now attempting to explain the origin of an empty fishbowl sitting in the corner of the upstairs hallway for the past nine months.

Buzzfeed Issues Apology for “Would You Survive the Holocaust?” Quiz

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

NEW YORK — Executives at Buzzfeed issued an apology today for their quiz, “Plan A Perfect Winter Day and We’ll Tell You If You’d Survive the Holocaust,” after facing nearly universal backlash.

“In the wake of the response, I’d like to issue an apology on behalf of everyone at Buzzfeed: our intentions here were good, and we truly did not realize this was the reaction the quiz would receive,” Buzzfeed co-founder Jonah Peretti stated in a press release. “At Buzzfeed, we’ve prided ourselves on creating content that educates, informs, and entertains visitors. We thought this would be a unique way to expose people to the horrors of war and fascism, and it is now clear that this was not the best way to go about it.”

The offending quiz enabled readers to choose from mundane activities, such as picking an outfit or ordering from Starbucks, and using those answers to determine if they would be “gassed immediately” or “liberated by the Red Army.”

“This quiz was so fucking stupid. I don’t know why anyone thought this would be a good idea,” said regular Buzzfeed reader Rachel Hansen. “I took the quiz a bunch of times, and almost every time I did, I got ‘Survived Auschwitz, but Died on a Death March’ — save for the one time it just said ‘Gypsy scum.’ What the fuck is that all about? I kept changing my answers to get a better response, but nothing I did changed the results. Someone at Buzzfeed really fucked up this one.”

Meanwhile, reaction to the quiz within the Jewish community ranged from outrage to bemusement.

“I thought this was a joke when I heard about it, but when my friend sent me the link I couldn’t believe my eyes,” reported Jonathan Greenblatt of the Anti-Defamation League. “How many people reviewed this thing before it was published? And at no point did anyone say, ‘Maybe we shouldn’t do this?’ I’m all for educating younger generations about the Holocaust, but I don’t think connecting sweaters and pumpkin spice lattes to dying of typhoid in the ghetto, or dying of exhaustion in a work camp and being buried in a mass grave, is an appropriate way of doing it.”

At press time, the quiz had been taken down and replaced with, “Order From Olive Garden and We’ll Tell You Which Member of the Khmer Rouge You’ll Marry.”

Hideo Kojima Parts Ways With Kojima Productions Over Creative Differences

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

TOKYO — Citing a stifling work environment caused by shifting business interests, legendary video game designer Hideo Kojima announced that he would be parting ways with his studio Kojima Productions over irreconcilable creative differences, disappointed sources have confirmed.

Despite positive early reviews for the studio’s first game, Death Stranding, anonymous sources say that the game’s development was tense due to an exceedingly large development cycle and budget. After a public falling-out with company management, sources say that Mr. Kojima was even forced to finish the last six months of development on a separate floor of his office isolated from the rest of his team.

“I’m proud of the work that I’ve been able to do here, but it’s time for me to step away and think about what I want to do next,” said a wistful Kojima, who founded the company in 2015 after parting ways with longtime employer Konami over similarly irreconcilable creative differences. “And so, today, I’d like to announce that I’m starting a new independent game studio, Hideo Games. We have already begun working on our first project, a brand new game franchise with even more inventive gameplay than Death Stranding that will be even further unlike anything you’ve seen before. We hope you will look forward to it.”

At press time, Kojima had posted a link to a new website for Hideo Games to his Twitter account, showing a countdown timer for an untitled project that will launch on the PlayStation 5 in 2024.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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