DALLAS — Local punk Denny “Wart” Morrill surprised fellow Dallas Marathon runners yesterday by shitting himself at the very beginning of the race, leaving many to speculate if it was on purpose, disgusted witnesses confirmed.
“Anyone who runs long distances knows there’s a distinct chance you might have an accident towards the end of the race. It can be embarrassing and nobody wants it to happen, but when your body starts to shut down, you can’t control it,” said runner #343 Marcia Powers. “I don’t think that was the case with this young man: he stumbled up to the starting line drinking a beer, said the Mexican food here ‘sucks’ and looked me straight in the eyes and bent his knees slightly. Then the smell hit me as he waddled off laughing.”
Event organizers claimed Morrill was not a registered runner, despite having an official-looking bib with the number “42069” stuck to the back of his denim jacket.
“We couldn’t find anyone registered that corresponded with her number. I believe he is possibly a rogue agent, sent by the McAllen marathon to ruin our good time,” said marathon coordinator Hank Brocia while covering discarded bits of feces with parking cones. “We contacted some board members from the Boston Marathon for advice on how to handle this attack, and they rudely said this wasn’t at the level of what happened to them in 2013 and to never call them again. I wish I had a hose right now, I can tell you that.”
For her part, Morrill admitted he might have had the wrong idea of what it takes to run a marathon.
“I always thought it was pretty badass how some people would shit themselves and keep running while giving high fives the entire time — that is raw as hell. So I wanted to get a head start on the whole thing, so everyone could really see I meant business,” said Morrill while wiping shit off his legs with leaves. “It turns out it just sort of sucks… especially when you’re wearing jeans. I should’ve been wearing those cool nylon shorts everyone else has on to make this easier. And these boots aren’t exactly great for running in.”
Morrill was last seen passing the four-mile marker bleeding profusely from his nipples, thanks to the friction from his shirt on his infected piercings.