Press "Enter" to skip to content

Man Clearly Avoiding Blacklight at Party

SAN DIEGO — Drummer and quiet introvert Don Scarpelli acted strangely on Saturday night after entering the blacklight-filled basement of his friend’s kegger, confused partygoers report.

“Don seemed fine until he walked downstairs to get his first beer,” reported Scarpelli’s bandmate Ben Turla. “The moment he hit the bottom of the stairs, I heard him mutter, ‘Ah, fuck, this is gonna be bad,’ and then he clung to the wall like Spider-Man until he could turn his cell phone flashlight on. He pretended like he was having trouble seeing, but I think it was something else.”

“We’ve been friends since middle school and he’s always been shy, so I’m trying to get him out more… but this feels like a mistake. He’s acting so weird,” recounted Turla. “Though he did seem especially relaxed when I first picked him up, which is also unusual.”

Scarpelli offered a brief statement on his erratic behavior.

“Um, so, Ben picked me up a few minutes earlier than he said he would, and I… uh… wasn’t ready yet,” admitted a nervous Scarpelli. “So I, uh, didn’t really get a chance to freshen up properly. Not that I was doing anything that would require much cleanup… like, with my body or whatever. And if I did, it was a totally natural thing that was happening, and it’s not like I would’ve used my pants as a towel. Listen, basically, I think black lights hurt my eyes or something.”

An expert on blacklight-induced behavioral changes claimed Scarpelli’s actions are more common than one might expect.

“He jacked off all over himself,” explained Spencer’s Gifts cashier Morgan Bartlett. “I see it all the time: teens come in the store to giggle at penis Christmas ornaments, and eventually wander to the poster section, where invariably, one of the guys is found to be covered in jizz after a poor cleanup job. Hands, arms, legs… sometimes face. A tale as old as time. It’s tragic.”

Inspired by the story, NBC’s “Dateline” will air a three-hour special report of blacklight test results of various band rehearsal spots, billed as their “Most Horrifying Investigation Ever.”