Tone Deaf Nintendo Ad Shows Woman Receiving Ring Fit for Christmas

Posted on December 10, 2019 by Giovanni Colantonio

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo has caused an uproar with a Christmas-themed advertisement that shows a seemingly annoyed woman receiving the fitness game Ring Fit Adventures as a Christmas gift from her boyfriend.

The commercial opens with a woman walking downstairs on Christmas morning to find a copy of the game sitting in the living room. Many viewers were quick to point out the the actress appears to be strangely upset in the scene, as she looks around the room seemingly trying to find any other presents.

“Five days in a row of squeezing this thing into my stomach to ward off ‘monsters’ instead of exercising on the nice stationary bike I wanted,” the woman says while passive aggressively filming herself. “Are you surprised? I am.”

From there, the commercial transitions into a montage of the exhausted woman struggling to correctly calibrate the joycons as her in-game coach scolds her.

“It’s 6 a.m.,” the woman says in one segment, looking directly into the eyes of the viewer. “And I’m getting up before work to play a fitness video game.”

The baffling ad ends with the couple watching a video, in which the woman reflects on her year-long journey: “A year ago, I didn’t realize that you needed me to explicitly tell you the exact thing I wanted for Christmas, or else you’d just get confused and buy me Ring Fit. Thank you?”

When asked for comment on the public reaction, Nintendo representatives’ told us, “Uh, yeah, maybe you should just buy your girlfriend some nice weights for Christmas instead. Our bad.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Pregnant Woman Gives Up Seat for Dude Wearing Chucks

Posted on December 10, 2019 by Nick Ortolani

SINGAPORE — Local heroine and seven-months-pregnant woman Candace Xiao willingly and graciously offered her seat to some dude wearing Chucks during her commute on the train early this morning, inspired sources confirmed.

“I could tell he was gonna ask for it, and I didn’t feel like having an argument at 6:15 in the morning,” Xiao admitted modestly. “That’s when I noticed his Chucks: there was 0.00017 inches of rainfall this morning, so the Chucks were completely soaked — his footsteps sounded like a dog eating yogurt. I was getting off in seven stops anyway, so I gave him the seat.”

The Downtown Line train was preparing to depart Hillview Station when Adrian Tan sprinted through the closing doors at the last second, screaming “Fuck fuck fuck!” before spending several seconds rotating in a circle, his backpack colliding with a 360 degree circumference of commuters, and settling on the seat occupied by Xiao.

“I barely made it — Chucks aren’t the best running shoes, considering they’re basically canvas clogs. I almost didn’t clear that dude in the wheelchair,” Tan claimed. “That car was packed as fuck, too: I thought I might have to stand the whole commute on these flat soles. But then, I heard the voice of an angel asking if I want to sit. Some people still know the meaning of kindness. I’ll never forget her expression: she rolled her eyes with such compassion.”

Fellow passenger Dr. Eileen Santos, a consulting physician at Singapore General Hospital, was immediately able to identify that Tan was suffering from an acute case of Chuckfoot.

“Chuckfoot is a condition caused by prolonged exposure to the inside of Chuck Taylors, which causes the feet to feel sub-rad,” explained Dr. Santos. “His symptomatology was typical — slouched shoulders, indicating poor posture exacerbated by an absence of arch support, and a facial expression trying not to betray his discomfort for fear of looking lame. All textbook Chuckfoot.”

At press time, Tan could be found on the North South Line occupying four seats with his backpack, bags of groceries, and didgeridoo case.

God Damn It: Fantasy Novel Has a Bunch of Songs in It

Posted on December 9, 2019 by John Dixon

CHARLESTON, S.C. — Horrified readers across the nation are reporting highly anticipated fantasy novel Obelisk of Dawn is packed with awful songs.

“Sing for the Hero who has come to free us all hurrah hurrah,” reads one of the seemingly never-ending songs, presented in chunks of italicized text in the middle of what was initially a tense scene featuring the novel’s heroes in peril. “Before his might, all evil must fall hurrah hurrah.”

The songs, which span topics ranging from ancient heroes to barmy barmaids, account for roughly a quarter of the book’s sizable page count. Each is worse than the one before, readers report.

“When the first song pops up it’s presented as sorta important to the plot, so I let it slide,” said reader Michael Brett. “But then they just kept popping up every time the heroes go to a tavern or sit around a campfire, or if it’s just been ten pages since the last one.”

“And like, the quality slides from ‘bad translation of an epic poem’ to ‘middle school creative writing reject’ pretty quick. If I wanted to be exposed to this much bad poetry from a bearded white guy I wouldn’t have stopped going to open mics at the coffeehouse. I genuinely don’t think this guy has ever heard music written by humans.”

Author Michael E.R. Andrews defends the inclusion of the songs, saying each one is part of the intricate tapestry he plans to weave over the span of his Obelisk Dodecaology.

“Beyond being an invaluable part of my painstaking world-building, the songs are each deeply important and thematically relevant to the plot in their own way,” Andrews said. “They also allow me to stretch my legs as a writer and show off my poetic side to an audience who otherwise would not care to see or hear it under any circumstances.”

At press time, Andrews began brainstorming whether he could package future books in the series with a companion album wherein he “brings the full weight of his musical artistry to bear.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Punk’s Retirement Plan Hinges On Dying Young

Posted on December 9, 2019 by Mark Hassenfratz

TULSA, Okla. — Local punk Eddie Abrams’s plans to retire are reportedly contingent upon his dying young and nothing else, according to a meeting with his financial advisor late last week.

“It’s a rough economy out there for everyone right now, but planning ahead can help a lot in the long term and I might as well start now,” said the 18-year-old Abrams. “I keep hearing retirement isn’t really possible anymore, and I think the world is gonna catch on fire in like, 10 years or something anyway… so provided I’m long dead within the next seven or eight, I think everything will be fine.”

With his supposed retirement rapidly approaching “with any luck,” Abrams hopes to make the most of his remaining time alive while guaranteeing comfort in his Golden Year.

“I figure I can distract myself from a ruinous economy and unsustainable employment with some interesting new hobbies — after all, I’ve got my mid-20s to look forward to when my body can still hold up and do some cool stuff. So I’m looking into dirt biking, homemade fireworks, and maybe getting into pills or something,” he explained. “Plus, I’ve been smoking since I was like, 12, so I’m really hoping that investment starts to pay off real soon.”

Abrams’s financial holdings are allegedly limited to “getting a birthday card from Great Aunt Jillian any day now,” along with some cash he has in an old winter coat somewhere in his closet — all told, an amount investment experts are calling “unreasonable.”

“Excuse my language, but this kid is out of his fucking mind,” said financial analyst Dana Lore. “If he even wants to come close to retiring at 95 like most millennials, he has to start saving, like, yesterday. People his age should be putting anything they have left from their net pay into an IRA. That $3.74 can compound quickly!”

At press time, Lore suggested Abrams try digging through his couch cushions to acquire more investment capital.

Youngest of Six Still Eats with Arm Around Plate Like Hardened Prisoner

Posted on December 9, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

PHILADELPHIA — Local man Eric Sullivan still eats with his arm around his plate like a hardened, PTSD-suffering prisoner after growing up as the youngest of six in a loud, often violent, three-bedroom row home with “a bunch of goddamn maniacs,” sources who think he needs to “grow up” confirmed.

“After serving a 20-year sentence in that house, it’s been really hard for me to adjust to life on the outside,” said Sullivan. “Living like that for so long — sharing a bedroom with three shithead brothers, fighting for every scrap of bread and Dunkaroo cookie — it just numbs you. I mean, I’m an adult man, and I still flinch sometimes thinking someone is about to randomly drop a Stone Cold Stunner on me.”

Sullivan’s live-in girlfriend Melissa Ellsworth admitted she was initially shocked by his paranoid behavior.

“I first noticed it with the way he eats: even at nice restaurants, Eric will guard his food as servers walk by… as if they might steal a roasted potato right off his plate,” said Ellsworth. “The other day I was watching Eric play Playstation, and every five minutes, he’d jump up and get in a fighting position. Apparently, he’s not used to being able to play a video game without someone trying to steal the controller or fart in his face. So I recommended he get help.”

Jon Darby, who runs a support group for ex-cons, was skeptical about letting Sullivan join their meetings until he heard the stories of Sullivan’s upbringing.

“I was uncomfortable letting someone who’s never been to prison in the group, but this kid has been through some shit: after Eric talked, everyone in the room had a tear in their eye. Some of our group members even had to leave the room, the stories were so brutal,” said Darby. “I certainly don’t envy a person who wakes up screaming most nights because he thinks someone’s about to smash his LEGO creations. And never seeing the ‘Ninja Turtles’ on Saturday morning, because your sisters are watching ‘Spice World’ for the 75th week in a row? Hell, even prisoners get TV time.”

At press time, Sullivan was allegedly caught carving his toothbrush into a shiv before heading home for the holidays.

How Can You Call Yourself a Record Store if You Don’t Have This Crate of Records I’m Trying to Sell You?

Posted on December 9, 2019 by Tom Peters

Nice little shop you got here. I like the basic, minimalist approach- you probably keep all the good stuff for yourself, huh? Hey, relax, I’m just kidding! Though I will say, I couldn’t help but notice a few blind spots in the three minutes I was browsing. I’m talking about albums no self-respecting record store should be without. Namely, these specific records I have in this crate, which, coincidentally, I am trying to sell you right now.

No I’m not the guy from last week wearing a different jacket, why do you ask?

Anyway, your jazz section is looking a little thin, but I’ve got some smokin’ Al Hirt sides for you. This is some really rare stuff and the sleeve mold hasn’t even spread to the vinyl yet. This daddy really cooks, kitty cat!

This stack here is all self-released 7-inches from regional bands I traded merch with on tour. They’re all very hard to come by unless you know any of the band members personally and then it’s easy because they’ve got boxes of this shit that they don’t have the heart to throw away.

Your bins are surprisingly lacking in 2000s Pitchfork-approved indie rock. I’ve got all the Best New Music alumni here- Tapes ‘n Tapes, The Hold Steady, and who can forget the third album by Bloc Party? It’s time to allow for a whole new generation to condescendingly pretend this music is good.

I’ve got everything you need. Have you heard Jefferson Airplane? Well here’s Jefferson Starship. Do you like Van Morrison? I’ve got his 80s stuff. There’s Barbara Streisand, big band classics, Christmas albums put out by tire companies, and that James Taylor record with just his face on the cover that seems like it might be something cool at first glance but it turns out it’s just James Taylor- it’s all here! Oh, and this lame version of the White Album that the store fucked up and stamped “0000001” on. You can just have that one.

I’m gathering from the look on your face that now you’re even less interested in buying these records so I’ll take them back out to the car. But sit tight and I’ll be right back with my CDs.

Axel Not Sure Why He Keeps Getting 1-Star Ratings From Lyft Riders

Posted on December 9, 2019 by Chuck Kowalski

LOS ANGELES — Twisted Metal veteran and part-time Lyft driver Axel doesn’t understand why riders continue to give him one-star ratings, despite his punctuality and speedy trip times, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I thought people would reward my initiative to avoid the congested roadways,” said Axel, violently careening through an active construction site. “But I guess I forgot that most people don’t travel by jumping their killcar from rooftop to rooftop at high speeds. I’ve been blindsided by these one star reviews lately. Honestly, it kind of hurts my feelings. Not to mention what it does to my already limited ability to make money. I’m going to have to find another gig soon at this rate.”

Recent passenger Bailey Shore found Axel, known for a well-intentioned driver, but complained he seemed aloof to how customers may perceive the experience.

“I appreciate the thoughtfulness to have seat belts installed,” she said, “but couldn’t he have attached it to the metal parts of the vehicle instead of fastened to his back with meat hooks? I don’t want to be strapped to my Lyft driver, that’s as bad as when they start talking to you. I should have trusted my gut feeling when he rolled up with his arms all infused into the wheels there.”

Not everybody shares such a negative view of their ride, however, including Zack Burton, who’s taken several trips with the bipedalist mancar that he found favorable.

“He’s a victim of circumstance,” said Burton. “He didn’t ask to spend the best years of his life entwined into an automated nightmare, that was his asshole dad that did that. What he did do was get me home from the airport in four minutes by running over all of the cars in front of us. Sure feels like a five star trip to me. He said most people don’t see it that way and that he really appreciated me. At least I think that’s what he said, it’s really hard to hear when you’re standing directly on the engine of a vehicle.”

As of press time, Axel was last seen cradling a bag of McDonalds food between his head and shoulder on his way to an UberEats delivery.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

The Menzingers Offer Stamped Factory Time Cards to Appease Springsteen Effigy

Posted on December 9, 2019 by Krissy Howard

SCRANTON, Penn. — The Menzingers offered yesterday a handful of stamped timecards taken from a local factory to a life-sized effigy of fellow nostalgic songwriter Bruce Springsteen, according to sources who “totally get it now.”

“I was walking to work through the park and caught a whiff of this God-awful smell. That’s when I looked over and saw this giant papier-mâché thing or something on fire over by the pond,” explained local punk and professional dog walker Dalia Cruz. “I couldn’t really get a great look, but it was definitely wearing some well-fitted blue jeans and had a red handkerchief in the back pocket. Those Menzingers dudes were throwing paper on it, and I heard one of them ask a single dad for a lock of his hair. Those guys have really changed.”

Menzingers guitarist Tom May explains the band’s unusual practice.

“We’ve had some good years under our belts, and if you think that’s a result of luck, or just a ton of hard work, you couldn’t be more wrong,” he stated. “It’s a result of luck, hard work, and a bi-annual offering of tidbits from the everyday people of America just trying to figure out when exactly they stopped being kids. Plus, if we stop now, our careers will fall to shit, and there’s a good chance the moon will stop moving. It is what it is.”

While the semi-annual offerings have led to a fruitful career for the band, some worry the esoteric practice may yield unwanted consequences.

“Now, I’m a reasonable woman — I’m not gonna stand in the way of anyone attempting to find success by appeasing a benevolent force with a sacrificial offering every once in a while. I mean, what kind of manager would I be if I did?” said Topps Company assembly plant floor manager Belinda Delvecchio. “But we’ve had three people in their late 30s ask for a week off to go on something called a ‘punk cruise,’ and I’ve had to turn down countless invites to open mic appearances.”

“I also wonder if those guys even have the right kind of factory workers. We package baseball cards and Ring Pops here. The glass factory is a ways down the road,” she added.

At press time, May and his bandmates were searching for detention slips to place on their “Breakfast Club” shrine.

Punk Father and Son Duo Restore Mint 2017 Ford Econoline to Barely Functioning Condition

Posted on December 8, 2019 by The Hard Times Staff

CRANSTON, R.I. — Punk father and son team Jerry and Steve Pappas began work today restoring a mint condition 2017 Ford Econoline van to get it to proper, barely functioning condition before the younger Pappas embarks on his first tour.

“We have a lot of work to do before she’s road ready,” said the elder Pappas while replacing the brand new, all-weather tires with bald, barely inflated tires. “The problem with these newer vans is all the windows work. So, the first order of business is disabling the driver’s side window so every time you’re in a drive-thru you need to open the door. And on the passenger side, we’re going to lower it half-way, then disable it, so there’s always a chance you get rained on.”

Steve Pappas bought the van with his bandmates in Pigdick ahead of their first East Coast tour, knowing the time spent with his father would be a great bonding experience.

“My dad played in a punk band in the ’80s called Reagan’s Commandos that was totally sick, and I can sort of see him reliving those days with each scratch and dent he puts in the side of the van,” said Steve, burning cigarette holes into the upholstery. “He’s already thrown up in the back and wiped blood all over the place so we get that old school feel to the tour. Plus, he’s a lot more mechanically inclined than I am, so he already broke off the windshield wipers and made it so the engine overheats if we drive more than 20 minutes without the heat on.”

Unfortunately, the other members of Pigdick were upset to see the van destroyed before even leaving the driveway.

“I don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. Steve keeps saying, ‘This is how real punks do it,’ but we just spent $17,000 on that thing and now its nearly totalled,” said guitarist Andrea Weller. “They took the muffler off, and then replaced it with the muffler from a 1987 Honda Accord they grabbed at the junkyard… which definitely doesn’t fit, and it sounds like shit when you turn it on. Fucking men.”

Following the conclusion of the tour, the Pappas men plan to bond further by building a model rocket out of Roman candles and firing it at the police station.

We Reviewed Every Game on the Chili’s Tablet Menu

Posted on December 8, 2019 by Tyler Simpson

Every gamer’s favorite restaurant, Chili’s, released a new cutting edge touchscreen tablet menu this week that has sent ripples throughout both the gaming industry and fast-casual dining industry due to its amazing selection of games (as well as the menu itself). But, of course, like with any new console, it’s understandable to have hesitations about whether you should believe the hype. To help you decide if this new console is right for you, here are our reviews of every game you can play on Chili’s touchscreen tablet menu.

zTrivia! Sports Edition

zTrivia! Sports Edition is one of the most beautiful sports trivia tablet games in recent memory, mainly due to its gorgeous, incredibly legible text. Not only is the font satisfying to look at, but it also includes punctuation marks, such as the incredibly helpful question mark which helps you identify which sentence on the screen is the sports trivia question you’re supposed to answer. You know you’re playing something truly groundbreaking when you have to pay $2.99 per question.

Rating: 5 Half-Off Margaritas out of 5

Fieldrunners

No one expected the tower defense genre to be revolutionized in 2019. Then came Fieldrunners.

Fieldrunners completely subverts the tower defense genre by having you defend a field from runners (commonly referred to in-game as “Fieldrunners”). I was on the edge of my Chili’s booth the entire time I played this game, which by the way costs $7.99 for 5 minutes of game time.

Rating: 5 Southwestern Eggrolls out of 5

Star Defender III

If you loved Space Invaders then you’re going to love Star Defender III, because it’s Space Invaders.

Rating: 5 Buy-One-Get-One-Free Steak Fajita Dinners out of 5

Spy Mouse

Spy Mouse’s title is a lie. I expected a thrilling, gritty stealth game about a mouse in a little James Bond suit, but every level is just a big colorful maze with some cheese and a cat you have to avoid. Spies lie all the time, though, so maybe this game was made by a spy and the title was right all along? Either way, I loved every second of this game, which costs $25.99 a second to play.

Rating: 5 Chili’s Gift Cards out of 5

Peggle

This is pinball, except you launch the ball from the top. I nearly threw up all three Molten Chocolate Cakes I had eaten trying to wrap my head around this innovative concept.

Rating: 5 Buckets I Bring to Chili’s Just in Case I Throw Up From Overeating out of 5

Poppit!

A cactus that runs a circus asks you to pop balloons. Seems like he could do it himself, but it’s Friday night at Chili’s and I’m happy to help! The way he winks and smiles at me leads me to believe we would probably be good friends if he was real — which, thanks to these stunning graphics, it almost seems like he is.

Rating: 5 of These Game Characters Who are My Only Friends out of 5

Foosball Cup

Thank God they finally made a digital version of foosball, because I’m never able to find a partner to play with in real life. Foosball Cup is an impressive simulation of what it must feel like to have a friend.

Rating: 5 of the Bartenders Who Have Told Me They’d Prefer to Keep Our Relationship Strictly Professional Even Though I Know They Hang Out With Other Customers out of 5

zTrivia! Sports Edition

Fieldrunners

Star Defender III

Spy Mouse

Peggle

Poppit!

Foosball Cup

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