Dropkick Murphys Cruise Just Stays Docked in Boston Harbor Whole Time

Posted on by Jay Chanoine

BOSTON — The Dropkick Murphys’ first official “Shipping Up to Boston” Cruise occurred last week and remained docked in Boston Harbor for the entire duration of the event, resulting in mixed reviews.

“When we started planning, everyone was asking, ‘Where’s the cruise gonna go?’ and I says, ‘What the fuck do you mean, go?’ Why the fuck would we go anywhere? We’re already in Boston fuckin’ Massachusetts — greatest fuckin’ city in the world!” explained senior event organizer Pauly O’Connor, who does not regret the decision. “You want a boat that’s goin’ somewhere, go take a fuckin’ ferry to Martha’s Vineyard, kid. Go drive to the Cape and go on a fuckin’ whale watch.”

Some patrons were disappointed, and felt the event description was misleading.

“How is this a cruise? It’s literally just a bunch of drunk dudes with their shirts off, yelling at each other and then hugging. They’re not even on the ship half the time — they keep leaving to go fight in the street,” claimed frustrated fan James Dodd. “I drove 12 hours from Michigan for this. It said all meals are included, but the only food besides Guinness and whiskey are the six Dunkin’ Donuts onboard.”

“They hyped up the ship having its own movie theater, but they’ve just been screening ‘The Departed’ on a constant loop,” Dodd added. “I’ve been told to go fuck myself at least five times every day. The band plays every night, but they’ve yet to get more than 20 minutes into a set before the cops show up.”

For their part, the band considers their first cruise event a massive success.

“It’s been awesome — everyone’s fuckin hammered,” said Murphys’ bagpiper Lee Forshner. “The first night, we played ‘Tessie’ four times in a row and nobody noticed. Most of ‘em don’t even realize the boat’s not moving. Good fuckin’ thing, too: we’ve had 12 people knocked overboard in a brawl so far. If that happened in open water, nobody could hear them call for help over the music and everyone telling each other to fuck their mothers.”

Other attractions on the ship included a meet-and-greet with Donnie Wahlberg, and a booth where attendees could punch a Yankees fan in the face for $20.

Rumor: Nintendo Source Confirms Duke Nukem ‘100% DEFINITELY’ Coming to Smash Bros Ultimate! [UPDATE: This Is Not True]

Posted on by James Gavigan


Hail to the king, baby! Earlier today an industry leak confirmed beyond a doubt that Duke Nukem was joining the fray as the newest fighter in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate! It’s safe to say that you can always bet on duke! [UPDATE: Nintendo denies any interest in adding Duke Nukem to Ultimate. Sakurai stated that he would die before letting the duke join Smash.]

Reddit user gophernutzz, who sources have confirmed is apparently the highest ranking person at Nintendo, spilled the beans early this morning with some insider information: “Guys! Duke Nukem. Smash Bros. It’s happening. It is absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, happening.” [UPDATE: Again, it’s not happening. This was just sloppy on our part.]

“Three things are true,” said a follow up post from gophernutzz, “The sun rises in the East, the sun sets in the West, and Duke Nukem will be coming to Smash literally right this moment. It basically already happened. Holy shit we’re so excited for the Duke!!! [UPDATE: Our fact-checkers have double confirmed for us that although the first two parts of this post are accurate, the third one is unfortunately a complete falsehood.]

So there you have it, Nintendoheads! We’re really pumped to see just how Duke Nukem stacks up against the rest of the Smash Bros. cast and what the team has in store for DLC fighters beyond the orignal five.

[Editor’s Note: We apologize to our readership for the errors in this story, and promise to vet our information more closely. It seems, also, that almost all of the hype for this story came from our very own article citing a Reddit post that had roughly 17 upvotes at the time of our publishing. We thought it was a pretty awesome scoop that no other major news site was picking up on, but in retrospect, it was pretty obviously fake. With that in mind, please keep an eye out for some big Half Life 3 news that our exclusive sources say is imminent!]

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Deranged Couple Has Baby On Purpose

Posted on by Taylor Roebuck

GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Married couple Dave and Sarah Dyer allegedly conceived and birthed a newborn child on purpose within the last year, subsequently horrifying their long-time group of friends, disturbed sources confirm.

“I am in absolute shock. This is so unlike them,” said Randall Chadwell, Dave’s childhood friend and best man at his wedding last year. “First, they get rid of the six-foot bong I got Dave as a graduation present… and now they’re having a kid? I was fine with them getting married because there was an open bar at the reception, but I just don’t know about this — something is up with them. Something about that baby is making them act all different, and I don’t like it.”

The intentional birthing of a child apparently isn’t their only unsettling, unorthodox behavior as of late, according to Amanda Simpson, a long-time friend of the couple.

“It’s not just the baby that’s worrying me — they’ve been doing all kinds of weird shit,” said Simpson. “Last weekend, Sarah and I went out for drinks and she insisted on taking an Uber instead of letting me drive, even though I only had like, six beers. And what the fuck is a 401K? I think they might owe somebody a lot of money.”

Though the couple has stood firm in their assertions that the child was conceived intentionally, that hasn’t prevented Simpson and others from offering their assistance in dealing with what they perceive to be an accidental addition to their family.

“At first when Amanda offered to help me ‘get rid of it,’ I thought she was being a supportive friend,” said Sarah. “But now that my son is six months old, frankly, it’s inappropriate. They just really can’t wrap their heads around the fact that we want to move on from doing the same shit over and over. In a way, I guess it’s nice that they care, right?”

At press time, the Dyers’ friends and family have staged an intervention, pleading with the new parents to stop sharing so many pictures of the infant on social media.

We Interviewed Rilo Kiley but She Just Kept Saying “Stop Calling Me That. My Name’s Jenny Lewis”

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

Celebrities – they’re just like us in that they’re kind of assholes. Recently, we got the opportunity to interview acclaimed singer-songwriter Rilo Kiley and, not gonna lie, she was kind of mean. I’m not super familiar with her work but when I sat down to interview her about her new album, “Jenny Lewis On the Line,” she jumped down my throat before I could even ask her about it! 

Hard Times: Thanks for meeting with me today. I know this is such a stock interview question but I have to ask, do you want to buy some coke from me?

Rilo Kiley: Huh?

HT: Nothing, nothing. So, anyway. Should I call you Ms. Kiley? Or is Riley okay?

RK: Riley Kiley?

HT: Oh, sorry. Ril-oh Kiley. It’s so cool how parents name their kids stupid shit these days.

RK: Dude, you’re being a real asshole right now.

HT: Ms. Kiley, dare I ask… are you flirting with me?

RK: (Sighs) My name is Jenny Lewis. I was in a band called Rilo Kiley that broke up almost a decade ago. Why does this keep happening? Jenny Lewis is a much easier name to remember. 

[At this point I made a ‘drinky drinky’ motion implying she was sloshed, which she did not appreciate.]

HT: Anyway, ya big-time flirt…So Riley, you worked with Ryan Adams on this album. So tell me, a guy who doesn’t keep up with the news at all, is Ryan Adams just as cool as he seems?

RK: I’m not touching the Ryan Adams thing. And again, my name is not Riley Kiley. 

HT: Listen, Ripley. While I’m incredibly flattered that you keep hitting on me, you’re incorrect.

RK: Ripley? Like, from Alien? Also I think I know my own name.

HT: Umm I think you mean Aliens. Not a sign of a good memory, Regis.

At this point I started Googling to prove her wrong but got distracted fucking around on TikTok. By the time I looked up she was gone. Which was for the best because you could have cut the sexual tension in that interview with a knife.

Lesson learned, I suppose. I certainly won’t make that mistake again during my interview next week with my favorite comedian, Nanette.

5 Times Everyone Thought Sly Cooper Was Hot and Not Just Me

Posted on by Carlos "Callie" Cadorniga

There are video game characters out there that are just downright hot. Noctis from Final Fantasy XV? Hot. Bayonetta from Bayonetta? Hot! There are plenty of characters that we can all agree are very attractive, and of course Sly Cooper is absolutely one of them.

I mean, it’s not just my opinion. It can’t be. Sucker Punch Productions’ thieving mascot clearly checks off every box on, like, being handsome. I know he’s a raccoon and all, but with everything he’s got going for him looks-wise, you’d be the weird one if you didn’t think he was a 10. Everyone (and not just me) is definitely in agreement that Sly Cooper is hot, and here are five moments from throughout the franchise’s history that prove how universally gorgeous he is.

5. The Way He Walks Around with No Pants

This one should be pretty obvious to anyone with a normal libido. Sly Cooper lives in a world of anthropomorphic animals who mostly wear pants, and he has the bravado to go out with his toned, muscular legs on display. That amount of confidence would make anyone a playboy, and Sly is no exception.

Sure, Murray rocks the pantless look too, but Sly wears it with a finesse that makes him that much more charming…y’know, generally speaking.

4. Whenever He Wears a Tuxedo

Who doesn’t look hot in a well-pressed tuxedo? Sly sports this ‘fit in Band of Thieves and Thieves in Time, and it looks great on him. His Thieves in Time design especially really does something for me — and every single other person on Earth — in a sexual way. He’s got those sharp features, that styled hair, and those confident steely eyes that make my heart melt whenever he looks at me. Whenever he looks at the audience, I mean. 

3. Quipping Against Nathan Drake in PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale

PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale isn’t a great game, but the way Sly carries himself with dignity and poise here deserves some praise. Aside from his technical moveset, Sly faces against opponents like the supposedly hot treasure-hunting protagonist of Uncharted, Nathan Drake, using his silver tongue to sling some witty quips that prove that he can hold his own when he’s in a bind. Speaking of which, I wish he would put me in a bind! Metaphorically, I mean. This is something we all want.

2. When He Handcuffs Carmelita to a Pole and Ditches That Hussy in a Volcano

The first game ends with Sly kissing Inspector Carmelita Fox, only to handcuff her to a railing on a sinking fortress so that he could make his getaway. This was easily one of Sly’s greatest moments (minus having to watch him kiss someone else, I mean — was that really necessary?)

Carmelita is probably the weakest character in the series and definitely doesn’t deserve Sly. Where does she get off trying to arrest him all the time just to end up becoming his lover by the end of Honor among Thieves? That’s not very professional for a police inspector.

Sly doesn’t need her. He just needs to find a nice game journalist who’ll appreciate him for who he is.

1. Whenever His Bushy Tail Curls Around

His tail swishes around a lot in these games. Like, a lot. It just looks so soft and puffy. Don’t you just wanna cuddle up with it on a cold night, having it sandwiched between you and Sly like a fuzzy pillow while he lovingly looks at you with that steely gaze? That’s, like, a normal feeling. There’s no way I’m the only one who thought of this. In fact, it’s impossible. Absolutely every single person feels this.

Damn…

Well, there you have it! I think we can all safely conclude that Sly Cooper is very, very hot. It’s definitely not just a furry thing. And anyone who thinks he’s hot definitely shouldn’t worry whether it’s a furry thing.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Punk Venue Offers Senior Discount to Anyone over 25

Posted on by Rose Vineshank

BALTIMORE — A local punk venue is now offering senior discounts to patrons over age 25 amid rising demand for accessible spaces, confirmed owner Johnny Lincoln.

“It’s sad to say, but a lot of older punks are on a fixed income now that their parents cut them off. I’m offering these discounts as an act of solidarity: getting older can be isolating in this scene,” said Lincoln. “I wanted to make a space where punks who’ve put on a few pounds can come and get away from a bunch of 14-year-olds making them feel bad. Losing my hair was bad enough without some younger punk calling my bald spot ‘the circle pit.’”

The discount was immediately noticed and appreciated by the elders in the community.

“The scene changes when you get older — each time someone stage dives near me, I see my life flash before my eyes,” revealed 26-year-old bar regular Scotty Hazard. “I’m really starting to show my age: two weeks ago, I noticed they didn’t card me at the entrance… it turns out they just never card anyone or they’d go out of business, but I still noticed! “

“Sometimes people think I’m trying to mosh with them, but get mad when they realize I’m just stumbling over a bad knee,” agreed Melinda Parkkinsen, 28. “The senior discount guarantees cheaper drinks and priority standing space in the back corner, where I can focus on the true meaning of DIY: Don’t Interact, Youths!”

According to AARP officials, the new discount policy provides punks with a sense of stability.

“As with all things punk, this move is politically motivated,” argued AARP co-chair Monica Chomsky. “This venue is constantly in trouble with city hall, and they know if they cater to punks of voting age, maybe they can stay in business. It’s a smart move: in other cities we see punks as young as 27 forced into office jobs just to cover the cost of drinks. Of course, that makes them sellout posers who can’t come back to the punk bar anyway.”

Reportedly, other venues have followed suit in catering to the elderly, and will now be producing shows that begin at 2pm.

So-Called Pianist Doesn’t Even Know Any Castlevania Songs

Posted on by John Dixon

BOSTON — The musical credentials of Berklee College of Music-trained pianist Bryan Adkins were called into question after it was revealed he doesn’t even know any songs from the Castlevania franchise.

“Yeah this asshole claims to be this big time pianist and yet he can’t rip through ‘Bloody Tears,’ or ‘Nocturne in the Moonlight,’ at a moment’s notice,” said Mitchell Stevens, local Castlevania aficionado. “I mean, can you really claim to be classically trained when you haven’t even heard of Michiru Yamane or Kinuyo Yamashita?”

“What the fuck are they even teaching at that music school anyway?” he added. “I’d be pissed if I spent 40 grand a semester to learn about Bach or some shit while the true masters of the form were left off the syllabus.”

Mark Reyes, a classmate and friend of Adkins, weighed in on the debate of Adkins’ credentials as a pianist. 

“Bryan is an incredible musician,” he said.  “He’s studied for years and worked his fingers to the bone to get where he is, so I guess maybe he hasn’t had time to play Castlevania or even look it up on Spotify. That said, he’s being so stubborn about learning any of these pieces that I’m starting to suspect he can’t actually play them.”

Adkins himself offered justifications for his ignorance of the finer compositions of classic Konami Games as well as his apparent refusal to learn more about them. 

“I don’t understand why everyone is so fixated on me playing this weird digital vampire music,” he said. “For fuck’s sake, I can play anything by Bach or Chopin or Beethoven; I’m like a fucking classical music jukebox! But no, all these fucking cretins just want to hear ‘Vampire Killer’ or ‘Lost Paintings’ or some other MIDI bullshit that I have to rearrange for piano and I just don’t have the fucking time, I have important music to learn and perform.”

At press time, Adkins has locked himself in a practice room and could be heard shrieking as he attempted to play the same ten seconds of “Daybreak” from Rondo of Blood over and over. 

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Handsome Musician Who Is Also Really Funny Can Go Right Ahead and Fuck Himself

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

LOS ANGELES — Exceptionally talented, easy-on-the-eyes, genuinely nice and downright hilarious musician Garret Parker can go right ahead and fuck himself, male sources fuming with jealousy confirmed.

“OK. I know everyone thinks this guy is the fucking tits, but he is such a tool: I saw him play a show last month where he connected with the audience on this deep personal level, told some off-the-cuff jokes that were actually funny, and by the end of the set, had everyone clapping along and going nuts,” said Tommy Benson, one of many who claim a deep hatred for Parker. “He even had the nerve to come and greet everyone after the show with his beautiful eyes and strong jaw. That fucking prick should just go hang out on the bus and quit being such a genuinely good, easy-to-like person.”

Those who know Parker’s gifts have repeatedly questioned how one man could possess so many wonderful talents and attributes.

“So the thing is, he can play every instrument, and I can’t play any — yeah, I only tried playing ‘The Office’ theme song on the piano once and couldn’t figure it out, but it still pisses me off that this guy is always showing off his musical abilities while also being so tall and handsome,” said long-time hater Jacob Russo. “I also heard he donates 50% of his money to animal rights organizations. OK, prick, we get it: you’re a great person. If I find out he’s really good at ‘Street Fighter 2’ I’m going to lose it.”

Even Parker’s own bandmates admit they struggle with envy around the suspiciously perfect musician.

“Initially he wanted our band to be called The Hopefuls, but we vetoed that and said we should just use his name, because… I mean, look at him. We keep sort of hoping he’ll fuck up, but he’s completely devoted to his amazing wife, he’s a wonderful father, and he just wrote a book about positive thinking,” said drummer Brent Clark. “Looking at him only reminds me of what a mess my life is — I fall asleep at night hoping he gets disfigured in a fire. Oh, God, please don’t tell him I said that!”

At press time, Parker was unavailable for comment, as he was taking his mother on a trip to Italy.

Photo by the painfully handsome, talented, and funny Louie Aronowitz.

New Study Confirms Cannabis Does Whatever the Fuck You Gotta Hear to Make You Feel Better About Yourself

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — A new study by Columbia University has found that ingesting cannabis improves whatever you need to hear to make you feel better about your own personal marijuana intake.

“Listen, what do you need this thing to say? You want smoking weed to mean that you’re smarter? You got it, buddy,” reads the abstract of the study. “You feeling bad about the way you look? Blam — this study proves that doing edibles means you’re hotter than your friends. You want your parents to love you? 10 out of 10 of our doctors agree that vaping makes your dad enjoy paying your rent while you do freelance for Vice.”

“We’re just here to help, OK?” Columbia University’s study goes on to say. “The war on drugs is pretty f’ed up and people are so scared of this shit, so let’s get the pendulum swinging in the other direction and get all this shit written up in the Daily Mail or The High Times or whatever other crappy website people will share on Facebook. You can handle it, because smoking weed makes you better under pressure.”

The study is already having positive effects in the cannabis community.

“I used to be so hard on myself for getting high at work all the time, but now I feel better knowing that taking monster bong rips actually makes me better at my job,” said surgeon Renee Pascale. “If something’s in a study, it has to be true. And if that study is linked on a website, regardless of what the website is, that only makes the study even more true. And if someone sends a link to that website to everyone in their Outlook contacts? Well, then, print that in a goddamn textbook, because it’s 100% fact.”

Despite these reactions, however, a counter study by Dartmouth University is also making the rounds.

“Our study found very convincingly that consuming any amount of cannabis will leave the user dead, broke, and loved by no one in the bottom of a ditch,” said Dartmouth professor Dr. Stephen Beard. “It fills me with deep sorrow to release these findings, especially because my own son is a deadbeat pot user, but literally everything we ever feared about cannabis has been confirmed as true.”

As of press time, Columbia University was working to publish a second study confirming that sharing articles from The Hard Times means you are 90% more likely to have sex in the next week.

So Close! This Dying Fan Was the Runner up for the Big “Rise of Skywalker” Dying Fan Private Screening Promotion

Posted on by Dan Rice

By now you’ve all seen that viral story about the dying Star Wars fan who was granted a private screening of “Rise of Skywalker,” and that’s no accident! Much like happy meal toys and collectible cups, private screenings for dying fans are an integral part of the promotional packaging for giant blockbuster films. But with so many dying fans, how does Disney CEO Bob Iger choose just one to be the big winner?

That’s the question little Timmy Stabbers will be asking himself until he shuffles off this mortal coil a few weeks from now. Timmy is a 12-year-old Star Wars mega fan with stage four Hodgkin’s Lymphoma and he was this year’s runner up for the big dying fan screening contest.

We sat down with Timmy to ask what it felt like being so close to seeing the new Star Wars movie before anyone else.

“I have to admit I’m disappointed” Stabbers confided. “I kept telling myself not to expect to win but my hashtags were getting a lot of traction and it kind of felt like I had this thing in the bag. I have to say this is the second biggest letdown I’ve ever had. The first is, well, pretty obvious.”

We also reached out to David Inez, head of the Star Wars viral marketing team.

“Timmy is an adorable dying kid and naturally our first instinct was to select him. But on second thought we were like, ‘Wait, is a dying 12-year-old maybe too sad?’ Obviously we’re going for an emotional gut punch but not so hard that it taints the product. You have to be sensitive in situations like these.” Inez continued, “There was also the issue of Timmy’s disease, Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. Everyone on marketing agreed the name just doesn’t pop.”

Inez went on to express gratitude for the dedication of fans like Timmy Stabbers.

“We’re lucky to live in a time where we have our pick of the litter, dying fan-wise. Back when we were promoting Revenge of the Sith fans were dubious from the other prequels. We actually wound up having to get a healthy Star Wars kid and make him sick.”

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