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New Study Confirms Cannabis Does Whatever the Fuck You Gotta Hear to Make You Feel Better About Yourself

NEW YORK — A new study by Columbia University has found that ingesting cannabis improves whatever you need to hear to make you feel better about your own personal marijuana intake.

“Listen, what do you need this thing to say? You want smoking weed to mean that you’re smarter? You got it, buddy,” reads the abstract of the study. “You feeling bad about the way you look? Blam — this study proves that doing edibles means you’re hotter than your friends. You want your parents to love you? 10 out of 10 of our doctors agree that vaping makes your dad enjoy paying your rent while you do freelance for Vice.”

“We’re just here to help, OK?” Columbia University’s study goes on to say. “The war on drugs is pretty f’ed up and people are so scared of this shit, so let’s get the pendulum swinging in the other direction and get all this shit written up in the Daily Mail or The High Times or whatever other crappy website people will share on Facebook. You can handle it, because smoking weed makes you better under pressure.”

The study is already having positive effects in the cannabis community.

“I used to be so hard on myself for getting high at work all the time, but now I feel better knowing that taking monster bong rips actually makes me better at my job,” said surgeon Renee Pascale. “If something’s in a study, it has to be true. And if that study is linked on a website, regardless of what the website is, that only makes the study even more true. And if someone sends a link to that website to everyone in their Outlook contacts? Well, then, print that in a goddamn textbook, because it’s 100% fact.”

Despite these reactions, however, a counter study by Dartmouth University is also making the rounds.

“Our study found very convincingly that consuming any amount of cannabis will leave the user dead, broke, and loved by no one in the bottom of a ditch,” said Dartmouth professor Dr. Stephen Beard. “It fills me with deep sorrow to release these findings, especially because my own son is a deadbeat pot user, but literally everything we ever feared about cannabis has been confirmed as true.”

As of press time, Columbia University was working to publish a second study confirming that sharing articles from The Hard Times means you are 90% more likely to have sex in the next week.