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Punk Venue Offers Senior Discount to Anyone over 25

BALTIMORE — A local punk venue is now offering senior discounts to patrons over age 25 amid rising demand for accessible spaces, confirmed owner Johnny Lincoln.

“It’s sad to say, but a lot of older punks are on a fixed income now that their parents cut them off. I’m offering these discounts as an act of solidarity: getting older can be isolating in this scene,” said Lincoln. “I wanted to make a space where punks who’ve put on a few pounds can come and get away from a bunch of 14-year-olds making them feel bad. Losing my hair was bad enough without some younger punk calling my bald spot ‘the circle pit.’”

The discount was immediately noticed and appreciated by the elders in the community.

“The scene changes when you get older — each time someone stage dives near me, I see my life flash before my eyes,” revealed 26-year-old bar regular Scotty Hazard. “I’m really starting to show my age: two weeks ago, I noticed they didn’t card me at the entrance… it turns out they just never card anyone or they’d go out of business, but I still noticed! “

“Sometimes people think I’m trying to mosh with them, but get mad when they realize I’m just stumbling over a bad knee,” agreed Melinda Parkkinsen, 28. “The senior discount guarantees cheaper drinks and priority standing space in the back corner, where I can focus on the true meaning of DIY: Don’t Interact, Youths!”

According to AARP officials, the new discount policy provides punks with a sense of stability.

“As with all things punk, this move is politically motivated,” argued AARP co-chair Monica Chomsky. “This venue is constantly in trouble with city hall, and they know if they cater to punks of voting age, maybe they can stay in business. It’s a smart move: in other cities we see punks as young as 27 forced into office jobs just to cover the cost of drinks. Of course, that makes them sellout posers who can’t come back to the punk bar anyway.”

Reportedly, other venues have followed suit in catering to the elderly, and will now be producing shows that begin at 2pm.