Millennial Rioter Throws Molotov White Claw

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local rioter and 26-year-old woman Nikki Kraushaar reportedly threw molotov White Claws early this morning into a building during a protest against the police, confused sources confirmed.

“I know most people like to fill a glass bottle with gas before lighting a piece of cloth and tossing it into a symbol of fascism like a police station… but I dunno. I just really love a hard seltzer. They’re so in right now,” Kraushaar said. “Also, they’re low cal, which is great. And to be honest, when I’m feeling a little bad, I’ll pour some Devil’s Springs in there anyway to spice it up. And that shit’s definitely super flammable.”

Unfortunately for her, Kraushaar’s riot methods were not as effective as she’d hoped.

“That girl throwing cans? I mean, yeah… they didn’t explode, or even pop open and fizz or anything, but at least they hit with a pretty heavy thud, I guess. Plus, all the litter they leave behind is definitely gonna be a huge pain in the cops’ asses, probably,” said one 17-year-old source who wished to remain anonymous. “Plus, it’s pretty funny to see a cop get hit by all that seltzer. That’s gotta symbolize something, right?”

Despite apparent ineffectiveness, White Claw representatives say many millennials are finding alternative uses for the alcoholic seltzer — including 29-year-old Orlando, Fla. EMT Emil Dowd.

“I used to use alcohol swabs to disinfect wounds, but now I just pour White Claws on those fuckers. Ruby grapefruit is my favorite,” said Dowd. “Sure, it’s only 5% ABV and it’s a bit more expensive than a regular wipe, but they have zero sugar and zero fat, so they’re definitely more healthy. In the medical business, that’s what matters the most.”

At press time, Kraushaar was taking a break from the chaos to pull a kerosene-soaked cloth from a can of black cherry White Claw so she could take a swig.

Photo by Rob Steinberg.

Gender-Neutral Gingerbread Cookies Are Unacceptable Because I Need to Know How I Feel About Cookies, Sexually

Posted on by Aidan Sears

It seems as though every year, we lose more and more of what the Christmas spirit is supposed to be about. We have to say “Happy Holidays,” we cancel Christmas carols that people claim are too offensive, and the corporations that own the season aren’t nearly as good as the corporations that used to own it.

I’ve looked past all that for the longest time, but I’m putting my foot down this year. We have officially gone too far. This new trend of turning gingerbread men into “gender-neutral gingerbread people” is unacceptable. What is the meaning of Christmas if I cannot have explicit, deeply sexual feelings towards cookies?

Things are just getting so confusing so quickly! It used to be so simple. White chocolate macadamia? Sexy. Oatmeal raisin? Ugo. But things have gotten so out of hand that gingerbread men are the last cookies I am positive should be giving me an erection. Don’t take them away!

Don’t you people remember how wonderful Christmas used to be? A crackling fireplace? Stockings hung by the chimney with care? Trays of fresh-baked gingerbread men that would awaken something deep within your perverted subconscious and make you harder than you ever thought possible? Wreaths?

Why are we so quick to throw out traditions nowadays? For as long as I can remember my favorite part of the holiday season has been sneaking an extra gingerbread man into my bedroom and bursting into tears while I wrestle with the powerful and confusing feelings that overwhelm my animalistic id. I, and I assume I’m not alone in this, refuse to give that up.

To be clear, I have no ill will towards gender-neutral people. My coworker’s daughter recently cut her hair short, so I get it. People should feel free to explore their gender identity however they choose. But please, God, just let me have this.

Would gender-neutral gingerbread people lead me down a path of exploring my sexual attraction beyond the limited realm of the binary? I don’t know, and to be frank, I don’t want to know. I’m just a man who is content to be attracted to the cookies society has told me I am supposed to be attracted to, is that so wrong?

5 Easter Eggs in the New Sonic Trailer to Keep Your Mind Off of the Entire Animation Studio Being Abruptly Fired

Posted on by Jimmy Beliakoff


After months of anticipation, the new trailer for the Sonic the Hedgehog movie is here, and it doesn’t disappoint. Long time fans of the series will be elated to know that the clip is laced with wonderful easter eggs and we’re going to list them for you right now to divert your attention away from the fact that every employee of the studio that worked around the clock to make the redesign happen has been laid off.

5. Green Hill Zone

In the opening of the trailer, it looks like Sonic is not only hailing from this gorgeous recreation of a classic level from the games, but also that the plot takes place in a small town titled “Green Hill.” Props to everybody that worked to make this nod to the fanbase, and we hope that your Christmas isn’t ruined too much by being out of a job because of the execs that considered you disposable!

4. The Falling Animation

A staple of the 2D Sonic games, if you tiptoe up to an edge the titular character will teeter as if about to fall. This shows up almost 1:1 in the background of the hotel room shot, it’s easy to miss but it’s there! This may also be an allegory for the livelihoods of the animators working 17+ hour days on the shot!

3. Sonic Logo Headband

A brief clip of the trailer depicts the Blue Blur comically using two pairs of nunchucks, but what we’re focusing on here is his headband, which cleverly depicts the iconic logo of the original game on the Genesis. In true hilarious Sonic fashion, he ends up whacking himself in the face with the chain weapons, much as the parent companies whacked a potential 800 jobs from the Vancouver-based studio Moving Picture Company after their painstaking work on this movie!

2. The City Escape Callback

Okay, we’ll admit this one might be a stretch, but there’s maybe two seconds of this trailer that shows our hero sliding across the pavement on some sort of metal object, and that really reminds us of City Escape from Sonic Adventure 2! On a side note, the best we can offer to the many employees affected by the mass disintegration of a talented animation studio are to “keep holding on” and also to “follow your rainbow.”

1. The Victory Dance

Just after narrowly destroying one of the dastardly Dr. Robotnik’s mechanized vehicles of destruction, a cheerey Sonic breaks into an enthusiastic dance not unlike those that he would do at the end of a level in many of the 3D installments in the series! This is very fun, and also upsetting when we think that the executives overseeing the Sonic movie could potentially be doing a similar dance as they count all of their yearly earnings and bonuses on the heels of obliterating economic stability for nearly one thousand passionate artists that helped bring this product to life.

Did you spot any other cool details in the new trailer that we missed? Are you excited for the movie after this stunning redesign? Are you still okay with giving money to the corporate machine that is completely content with grinding human lives under their boot to squeeze out every last drop of profit and good PR? Let us know in the comments!

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Gildan Exec Admits They’ve Never Actually Seen Human Torso

Posted on by Gary Doyle

MONTREAL — Gildan CEO Glenn Chamandy left many people feeling vindicated today, admitting in a press conference that he has never once seen an actual human torso.

“Mother always told me that coveting the human body was a sin, so I just never looked down to see how things are actually shaped,” admitted Chamandy in an ill-fitting suit. “Anyway, I thought everyone could tell we were just kind of winging it — the whole thing was a get-rich-quick scheme that got out of hand, and before I knew it, I was an executive at a multimillion dollar company. Our first designs were just holes cut into some burlap sacks. We couldn’t believe it when people actually paid money for them.”

Gildan’s ongoing success has been a surprise to many at the company, who reaffirmed the company’s emphasis on profits over quality.

“We didn’t own a single mannequin for the first 10 or so years,” reminisced CFO Rhodri Harries. “We eventually caved and got some defective, misshapen ones from the wholesaler, and it really helped us hone our trademark fit. Do our shirts fit regular people? Absolutely not. Do they shrink down three or four sizes with each wash? You bet. Do bands keep buying from us because they won’t shell out an extra $1.50 for a better quality shirt? Well, they don’t do it because of how soft they are!”

For their part, customers aren’t sure why they continue purchasing Gildan shirts, either.

“I’m 5’9 and 180 pounds, and none of their shirts have ever come close to fitting me,” complained normal man Evan Preston. “I don’t think I could be more average, but I still can’t even slightly raise my arms without the shirt riding up to my nipples… and I’m still not sure why the sleeves go past my elbows. I know I should stop buying them, but they always look so good draped across a badly lit merch table. Frankly, I’d probably buy a band’s dirty laundry if their merch guy threw in a free sticker.”

At press time, Preston was sighing while taking out his wallet to purchase yet another Gildan shirt that will develop holes within 10 minutes.

‘Browsing eShop’ Sweeps Game Awards

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Concluding what some critics have called an underwhelming year for gaming, the Nintendo title ‘Browsing the eShop’ has swept all of the major categories in last night’s Game Awards. 

“Wow, we didn’t see this coming, what an honor,” said Doug Bowser, current president of Nintendo of America. “We tried really hard this year to keep our store categories a little organized, but not so organized that you quite see everything. Between that and the endless stream of weird games for 39 cents, we think there’s plenty of reasons to keep coming back to the eShop over and over again.” 

Gamers online rejoiced at the digital storefront’s recognition. 

“Fuck yeah man, well earned,” said Reddit user MysterRiven. “I was disappointed with some of the recent profile releases, and got bored of them pretty quickly, but I probably put about 50 hours in checking to see if Octopath Traveler or Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze would ever go on sale. Those numbers don’t lie. Also, I don’t think those games are ever going on sale.”

Nintendo closed the show with a surprise announcement of backwards compatibility coming to the eShop next year. Starting tomorrow, Switch users will be able to browse the now deleted Wii Virtual Console and WiiWare channels, and become fully immersed in the notion of how cool it would be to be able to play some of those games still. MysterRiven speculated that this makes them early front runners for next year’s top awards.

“Yeah I’m sure I’ll be playing the eShop a lot next year,” he said. “There’s no fucking way I’ll ever have time to play most of these games, let alone have the money to buy them, so I guess I’ll just keep on looking at them.” 

As of press time, Bowser was refusing to answer questions regarding the rumor that Keanu Reeves was somehow coming to the eShop in 2020. 

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Punk Sommelier Recommends Pre-2015 Franzia

Posted on by Taylor Roebuck

BISBEE, Ariz. — Self-proclaimed punk sommelier and admitted problem-drinker Tegan Nixon strongly recommended that wine drinkers avoid Franzia made after 2015, “unless they wanna look like some total trash noob,” according to irritated sources.

“I’ve been drinking wine since I was like, a baby, so I do consider myself an expert,” explained Nixon. “My affection for pre-2015 boxes of Franzia started when my buddy dared me to chug this super-old stash we found in the basement at some party — something about the dust lining the box really accentuated the earthy aromas. I was told that’s because there was a shitload of fruit flies in the bag, but I think they don’t understand the nuances of aromas.”

Nixon’s most recent tirade came during a show last week held by her and her six roommates in a last-ditch effort to pay the month’s rent. Several of her roommates reported Nixon wandered away from her posted position at the door to accost people.

“This loaded chick came up to me and started screaming something about the Boones Farm I was drinking,” said show attendee Chuckie Waters. “I figured she was militantly straight edge, but she went on some snobby-ass tangent about the Blue Hawaiian having a lousy finish to it. I don’t know — someone handed me the fucking thing, so I slammed it. Plus, I think these things are like, $2. Calm down, lady.”

Indeed, though her efforts are not always appreciated by her peers, Nixon is driven to spread her knowledge.

“No self-respecting DIY wine connoisseur would be caught drinking anything that comes out of a cardboard box later than a ’15,” said Nixon. “I try to help my friends by keeping a fully-stocked kitchen counter: my roommates eat a lot of savory dishes like Cup O’ Noodles, for instance, which pairs best with a crisp white — preferably from 2012. Sure, some people get weird when I smack shitty drinks out of their hands, but I feel great about helping them learn something.”

At press time, Nixon was scolding a roommate of hers for smoking marijuana out of a domestic beer can.

Photo by Taylor Roebuck.

7-Year Old Lets Uncle Win in Video Game

Posted on by Giovanni Colantonio

FAIRHOPE, Ala. — Seven year old Kacey Logan let her uncle beat her in a round of Mario Kart 8 Deluxe at a family party to make sure he felt special. 

The precious scene took place at the Logan family’s annual holiday party, where 39-year old Mike Logan, commonly referred to as “Uncle Mikey,” suggested that the two play a video game together. Worried that her uncle would become cranky after losing, Kacey decided to intentionally throw a round of Mario Kart, figuring that it would be an opportunity to model what good sportsmanship looks like.

“I thought it might be a valuable teaching moment,” Kacey Logan explained. “I let him use my Pro controller while I played with a single Joy-Con. Even then, I had to keep skidding off the road so he could catch up to me, and he only passed me at the last second because I went out of my way to hit a banana peel. I don’t really care about winning or losing, it’s important to help adults build their self-confidence at that age, though.”

Uncle Mikey spent the rest of the evening gloating about his win, telling everyone how precious it was that Kacey thought she could play games. He also explained his winning strategy, which involved slowing down ahead of every single turn to maintain control of the vehicle.

“She is just a riot,” he laughed. “She thinks she knows how to drive! She doesn’t even realize that it’s a bad sign when sparks start appearing under your tires! Gosh, I sure hope I’m off the road by the time she starts Driver’s Ed.”

The tables turned later that night, when the two decided to play a game of Tic-Tac-Toe, completely baffling Kacey as she failed to grasp the game’s mechanics.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Lonely Guy Starts Group Chat With Cell Phone Bill Reminders, Bernie Campaign Texts

Posted on by John Danek

CINCINNATI — Friendless, pathetic loser Sonny Robertson attempted to remedy his loneliness yesterday by starting a group text with his Verizon bill reminder texts and a Bernie campaign volunteer, disappointed family reported.

“I went over to his apartment to check on him, and for the first time ever, his phone was going off regularly,” recounted Nikolai Robertson, Sonny’s brother. “I was so excited for him — he said he made a bunch of friends lately. But when he went to the bathroom, I glanced at his phone… and what I saw was more tragic than seeing no texts at all.”

“He started a three person group chat with his Verizon bill automated texts, and… I’m sorry, I need a minute,” whimpered Nikolai, choking up. “My pathetic little brother wrangled a Bernie campaign volunteer into this little circle of hell. Goddammit, he needs to join an adult kickball league and meet some people.”

Lorainne Lomax, the unfortunate Bernie campaign worker, offered up her side of the story.

“Initially, we thought this could be a great way to engage with our voter base and possibly inspire them to get out and canvas,” explained Lomax. “But things took a turn for the weird when he kept asking the group chain what we were up to this weekend — eventually, I had to block his number, because he has an Android and my tapbacks would get all messed up. Sometimes this can be a thankless job, but I never realized it would expose me to such depths of human sadness like this. I’d almost feel bad for the guy, but fuck, he was annoying with all those ‘Last Man Standing’ gifs.”

For his part, Sonny tried to remain cheerful while explaining what happened.

“Oh, it must have been some kind of accident… I barely know how to work this dumb phone,” laughed Robertson, a senior Android developer for Google. “It must have made the group all by chat itself! What sort of desperate freak would intentionally do something like that? He’d have to be so very cripplingly lonely and abandoned all hope of forming a successful relationship with anyone ever again. Heh.”

When asked for comment, the Verizon Bill Reminder bot said, “Reply STOP to unsubscribe.”

I Don’t Depend on Drugs to Feel Happy, I Depend on Them to Not Feel Sad

Posted on by Eric Navarro

As a child of the nineties I went through all the anti-drug campaigns – D.A.R.E., ‘just say no,’ that fried egg commercial, watching my dad’s alcohol abuse slowly alienate his friends and loved ones. In hindsight, those methods were not only ineffective, they were filled to the brim with misinformation! Chief among them, the belief that people depend on drugs to feel happy. That’s so laughable it makes me want to get high. I have never used drugs to feel happy. I use them on a per hour basis to temporarily ward off the insatiable misery and self-doubt lurking just under the surface of this confident facade. 

I’m healthy.

Achieving happiness isn’t neuroscience. When I want to feel happy, I just do something that makes me feel happy! I’ll take a bike ride, call a friend on the phone to catch up, or work on my car. 

But once I am alone in my apartment and the sun goes down, the silence creeps into my bedroom and my mind is filled with the dread of an uncertain time that will inevitably come where my world will be consumed by never-ending blackness. My weary, yet hypervigilant mind races past the brink of sanity and I need something, anything to achieve sweet, sweet release. 

Then I take a trip to Bongtown (population: me) and everything’s fine again!

Seriously, now that I’m looking at it in this light, everything’s gonna turn out okay. When I get up in the morning I’m gonna go on a hike and really get my body and mind going before work begins. I love the rush of a hike or a run and feeling the elements hit me in the face first thing in the morning. Really makes me feel alive! What doesn’t make me feel alive is the long, stop-and-go commute to my drab workspace, only to close my office door and feel the doubts begin to creep in.

I’m not good enough. I am a fraud. In time, my clients will realize it and then my bosses will know. And then my family and friends will find out and soon everyone will abandon me like a runt of the litter left in the woods to starve fore they, like me, are not worthy of love or attention or even life. My heart is rust.

But then I hit up the bathroom and take some swigs from my good ol’ pocket flask!

They say it’s five o’clock somewhere! Probably China. Either way it’s 9:52 in here in Pittsburgh and I fucking LOVE my job. Everyone here is so fucking stupid. Not me though, because I found the secret to happiness. Just avoid all negative feelings and live a worry-free life for close to forty years assuming you’ve got a good liver-guy.

Band Giving Free EPs to First 50 Fans at Show Not Sure What to do with Box of 47 EPs

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

MINNEAPOLIS — Local indie band C4 and a Chocolate Bar severely overestimated their show attendance and audience’s wants last night by offering free EPs to the first 50 fans, and are now unsure what to do with a box of 47 limited edition EPs.

“When it comes to the number of people at your shows, it’s not about quantity, but quality… and the three people at our show yesterday were of very shitty quality. With them as our only fans, why did we ever think we’d need 50 EPs?” said guitarist Tim Sharp. “I did some math, and if our show attendance remains consistent, we’ll have to play another 15.667 shows to get rid of these EPs. You don’t want to know how many shows we’ll need to play to get rid of these 750 promotional pop sockets.”

Turf Club bartender Em Scappichio has seen many local bands try and fail to give away free merch.

“These situations almost always end with some combination of hurt feelings, fistfights, and vinyl sleeve corners damaging somebody’s cornea,” said Scappichio. “On this particular night, it’d be generous to even say those who got the EP wanted it for the music: one recipient was clearly planning to hold it over his head since it was raining that night; the other one was the bassist’s mom. And the last one? Apparently they clogged the toilet of the Chinese restaurant next door trying to flush their copy. We’re sure as hell not paying that plumber bill.”

With dozens of boxes now overtaking their home, drummer Scott Mendenko has begun finding alternative uses for the band’s undesirable merch.

“I will say this: what we lack in fans, we more than make up for with our ability to recycle and reuse band shit,” said Mendenko. “The last time this happened, we melted a bunch of the EPs and formed them into cereal bowls — they leak a bit from the hole in the middle, but otherwise work great. And we won’t need to buy duct tape for years, thanks to our thousands of stickers. It’s almost like it’s a good thing everyone hates our music.”

At press time, C4 and a Chocolate Bar has gone back to the drawing board after their local goodwill store refused another donation of hundreds of their band’s T-shirts.

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