Punk on Deathbed About to Utter Final Words Just Waiting for a Few More Loved Ones to Show Up

Posted on by Zach Raffio

SLEEPY HOLLOW, N.Y. — Dying punk Anthony Mafodda is reportedly on his deathbed today at Phelps Hospital and ready to utter his final words, but is waiting for just a few more loved ones to show up and help fill the space before his last breath.

“Move up, move up — everyone fill in this little ‘fuck your horseshoe’ by my bedside,” said Mafodda, near the end of a long, hard-fought battle with leukemia. “I want to make sure this place is packed out; I think we’re waiting for a few more family members. It’s always frustrating when close, beloved family members show up halfway through emotional moments, so I want to make sure they get to hear as many of my fond memories, deepest regrets and sincerest apologies as possible.”

The family members already there for Mafodda expressed their frustration with the latecomers.

“I was the first one here, even before they were letting family in,” noted Anthony’s younger sister Diane while texting several extended friends and family members to see if they happen to be in the area. “Of course I love Anthony and will miss him dearly, but come on — don’t be disrespectful to those who showed up on time. I think he’s pretty annoyed our cousin Andy got called in to cover a shift and won’t be able to make it, even though he said weeks ago he’d be here and bring his wife and kids.”

The hospital staff are equally perplexed by the delay.

“We need the room — there’s a stage four bone cancer patient heading in here at 10:00 p.m. for a late-night goodbye, and they’ve already confirmed a very large family,” noted physician Caroline Derune. “If he doesn’t start the bittersweet, life-affirming goodbyes soon, then the next patient’s gonna have to start late. On top of that, he really shouldn’t have requested a larger hospice suite if he wasn’t going to be able to fill it. Like, just be honest with your draw.”

At press time, Mafodda was heard asking a nurse if he still gets free apple juice and ice chips despite the low numbers. However, the nurse refused, as Mafodda’s insurance only covers complimentary perks if he confirms a minimum of 25 precious, irreplaceable family members attending before the doors open.

We Talked to Generation X to Figure Out Why They Ruined the Economy

Posted on by James Knapp

The current state of the economy is bleak and many are asking the reason why. Well, it turns out that our recession was caused by something called, ‘Generation X.’ After some brief google searching, we set up an interview with the group of people that caused our current economic woes- the members of proto-punk band Generation X along with their frontman Billy Idol, who you might remember from the airplane scene in “The Wedding Singer.”

Hard Times: To begin, we want to thank you all for doing this interview. So, why did you ruin the economy?

Billy Idol: What the bloody hell are you talking about, mate?

HT: A lot of people seem to blame Generation X for the failing economy. We’re just trying to figure out why.

Bob Andrews: That doesn’t even make sense. Generation X broke up forty years ago. Even if we wanted to, how could we have done anything to the economy?

HT: That’s what I’m trying to understand. But besides you, we’ve heard a lot of blame leveled at some band called the Boomers. Did you ever play a show with them and do you think they could be responsible for rising tuition costs?

Tony James: Ah! The damn fool is talking about the other generation X! You really thought our band ruined a whole economy? I mean, don’t get me wrong, we were quite popular. But we were only around for like three years.

HT: So, you’re telling me that you had nothing to do with the collapse of the real estate market?

Bob Andrews: Well, I mean, Billy did have that one thing…

Billy Idol: Oh, sure! Bring that up! All those mortgage contracts were totally legal at the time.

Tony James: Didn’t you also try to rent out a landmine field as a waterpark?

Billy Idol: Piss off! And you…

HT: Me?

Billy Idol: Yes, you. You get your facts straight you yonk-toothed dizzle blonker.

Hard Times later tried to research what a yonk-toothed dizzle blonker is to no success.

Waffle House Closest Thing Small Town Has to Punk Venue

Posted on by Jonah Nink

NUTLEY, W.V. — A small-town Waffle House has been recognized as the only space the local punk scene can claim as a venue, despite its lack of live performances, anarchist zines, or even very many punks, ambivalent sources confirmed.

“This place has been a punk institution ever since… uh, 2008, I think. That’s when the old Pep Boys burned down and Waffle House bought the space,” recalled scene veteran Mike “The Bike” Snyder. “Sure, they may not put on shows or any of that conventional punk stuff, but they’re open 24 hours and you get free refills on the coffee. Also, the bathroom is complete disaster. Totally has this CBGB vibe, if you ask me.”

Despite the affirmation from possibly the only member of Nutley’s punk scene, regular Waffle House patrons were confused by the surprise punk cred.

“Honestly, I have no dang idea what in the heck you’re talking about with this ‘punk rock’ crap,” said Janet Stahl, a truck driver for a nearby plumbing supply distributor. “I know those high school kids from the drama company like to come in here after plays. Is that punk? Oh, and that one wino who comes in here to throw up: he’s always covered in scabs and wears a leather jacket, so maybe that’s what y’all are talking about. I’m just here waiting on my hash browns.”

For his part, Waffle House manager Humboldt St. Vega welcomed the scene’s prolific support.

“Sure, I was skeptical at first, but it’s all in good fun: these kids seem to mean well, so I let them go about their business so long as they at least buy an appetizer. Sometimes they try to tip the servers with loose cigarettes, which is annoying… but they’re very loyal to us and seem to hate the IHOP two towns over, so it’s actually pretty helpful,” said St. Vega. “I even added a few songs by some band called Green Day to those weird little jukeboxes we have on all the tables. Like I’ve always said since very recently, ‘anything to support the scene.’

Cementing the mainstays of the Nutley scene, Snyder later identified the 91-year-old owner of the town’s general store as the scene’s resident “merch guy.”

Insecure Straight Edge Guy Leaves Bartender $5 Tip on Glass of Tap Water

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

SAN FRANCISCO — Lifelong straight edger Timothy Sharp tipped $5 on a glass of tap water last night, thanks to his ignorance of bar etiquette and aversion to looking like a cheapskate, pleased sources confirmed.

“I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do here: it took me 25 minutes to even talk to the bartender because everyone kept cutting in front of me. When I finally asked for a water, she put some ice in there, and I figured I definitely have to pay for that,” said Sharp. “She’s doing the same exact amount of work putting beer in a glass and those people are tipping… at least, I think they are. And if I walked away without leaving a tip, then going back up there later and asking for popcorn would definitely be out of the question. Maybe I should have just left a $20. I wish I could just go home. This place sucks.”

Friends of Sharp admitted they were amused to see their otherwise competent friend struggle.

“He spent the first 10 minutes here walking around looking for a water station, and when he realized he’d have to order at the bar, I could see the panic in his eyes,” said longtime friend Cara Nguyen. “I should have been a better friend and just brought him water when we all got shots, but I like seeing him squirm. I’m going to ask him to go ask for the darts, and see if he hands over his credit card and social security numbers.”

The bartender who accepted the hefty tip claimed this is a common occurrence amongst novice bar patrons.

“When I see someone wearing a Project X shirt trying to order something, I know I can guilt them out of more money by giving them a disapproving look as soon as they meekly say, ‘Just a water, please,’” said bartender Amy Forbes. “I keep seeing him duck into the bathroom with his empty glass for refills from the sink. If it slows down tonight, I might fuck with him and say that’s against our policy, just to see what he does.”

At press time, Sharp was desperately trying to steal his money back after coming to the conclusion he is “technically supporting a drug dealer.”

Smash Bros Purist Won’t Even Use Items in Bedroom

Posted on by Pat Cavanaugh

CHICAGO — Competitive Super Smash Bros. player Greg Bradley holds true to his principles beyond the game, refusing to use items in the bedroom, sources have reported.

“When you turn items on in the bedroom, you make it so sex is no longer a test of true skill,” Bradley said. “I’m not interested in sleeping with casual players. If you like having sex with items, then you simply aren’t on my level and we’re clearly looking for two different things in there.” 

Emily Smith, Bradley’s most recent ex-girlfriend, thought Bradley was joking when she first heard of his no item rule. One year into their relationship, she learned he was very serious.

“He had it in his Tinder profile,” Smith said. “Large capital letters at the bottom: ‘NO ITEMS IN THE BEDROOM.’ I didn’t plan on sleeping with him right away, so it didn’t bother me. When I suggested bringing a vibrator into the bedroom later on in the relationship, though, he freaked out and asked if he could ‘counter-pick’ and move to the couch. I don’t know what that means.”

Certified sex therapist Dr. Jennifer Hammond has written extensively about the benefits of introducing items into a couple’s sex life. To Dr. Hammond, items are less about skill checks, and more about enhancing the pleasure of the shared experience.

“Even the most solid relationships will lose that sexual spark over time,” Dr. Hammond said over email. “Items are an easy way to rekindle that spark, provided both partners are interested in them. You can’t force anyone to turn on items in the bedroom, but I advise couples I counsel to keep an open mind about them.”

No matter what the experts say, adding items is non-negotiable for Bradley.

“To me, sex is best 1-on-1 on a flat bed, no items.” Bradley reiterated. “But, uh, if you have a fox mask, that’s fine. Only fox masks, though.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Bernie Sanders Revealed to Be Three Uninsured College Students in Trench Coat

Posted on by Tara Marie

OAKLAND, Calif. — A loose nail on the stage at a campaign stop earlier this week led to the revelation that Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders was secretly three uninsured college students in a trench coat, surprised DNC officials confirmed.

“When we started all this, we had no idea it would go this far,” said Xander Hoffman, the 26-year-old grad student credited as the policymaker of the three students and top third of Sanders. “Our thought was that we’d just get on the public stage and shake some things up, but it turns out people really related to what we were saying — we had to create an entire back story and convince the world we’d been in politics for over a quarter of a century. Thankfully Tommy, our middle section, is a whiz with video editing.”

While most of Bernie’s supporters are quietly awaiting more details, some were understandably upset.

“Honestly, him being three different people supporting each other to affect the most social change has me a little shaken,” said self-described “Bernie or Bust”-er Albert Lee. “I always thought of Bernie as the leader — not a collective of students trying to do the best they can for each other and their fellow man. I just… I need to think about this. At the end of the day, I still think these three guys have the best chance of beating Trump next year.”

Meanwhile, the DNC has sought to maintain their impartiality.

“This is a big relief for us. It’s going to be much easier to disqualify him now,” said spokeswoman Elfie Brown. “We don’t want to choose sides here, but you think about the commotion that occured with Hillary’s emails, and frankly, these are three young men who are… you know, much too immature to be trusted with state secrets. When Pete Buttigeig is getting hits from leftists over his clandestine military contracts, and Warren is getting huff over maybe faking her entire ethnicity, Bernie’s ‘revelation’ will not escape notice. We just hope this takes some heat off of Joe Biden for a while.”

As of press time, Bernie Sanders is now three points ahead in the polls.

We Interviewed This Neo Nazi With Our Truck’s Front Bumper

Posted on by Jonah Nink

In times of political turmoil, it can often be difficult to have respectful, open and honest conversation with those of differing opinions than us. In an effort to promote civil discourse, we here at the Hard Times decided to reach across the aisle and interview local neo-nazi activist Cloyd Kroeger. Kroeger was kind enough to accept the offer to chat with us, even as we repeatedly smashed into his body with a large semi-truck.

Hard Times: What compelled you to become a neo-nazi in the first place?

Kroeger: My legs! My fucking legs!

You guys sure do like Hitler. What’s all that about? Do you think he’s cute?

I can see my own intestines!

Don’t you find it odd that most people in historically conservative rural areas would actually benefit from some of the socio economic policies advocated by the left?

STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR TRUCK!

I know you fellas hate race mixing but you can’t deny that it gave us Pete Wentz.

FUCK! YOU!

So Why do you guys worship a group of people who spent two whole movies getting their asses kicked by Indiana Jones?

All of my bones are broken!

How come most of you look like Cailou?

…

For a group that hates the LGBT community so much, you guys sure do spend a lot of time pallin’ around with the fellas if you catch my drift. What’s going on there?

So… much… blood…

Well thanks for taking the time to talk Nazi bullshit with us but we’ve got to head to the autobody shop. Any final words for our readers? Or like, anyone else?

But… Her emails…

Jesus wept.

Emo Album That Got Man Through Depressive Period Actually Made It Much Worse

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

URBANA, Ill. — The album “The Fire Between Us Is Quelled And It Is What It Is” by emo band Ripcord Falls reportedly made local man Eric Grover’s depression significantly worse, despite his consistent claims that it got him through some of the hardest periods of his life.

“When I was going through my break-up with Callie… man, I just don’t know if I would be here today if not for the song ‘Tear Jerk,’” said Grover about the lyrics that threw a metaphorical lit match onto the gasoline that was his depression. “Crying every day for two months, listening to the lyrics, ‘I just want to hate you the way you hate me / the way I hate me / the way everybody hates me,’ was such a profound thing for me at that time. It was the medicine I needed.”

Despite Grover’s insistence, however, many of those close to him disagree that the album helped cure his depression.

“You know what really got Eric through his break-up? Welbutrin,” said Grover’s therapist Dr. Kris Stewart in blatant disregard for patient-doctor confidentiality. “In my experience as a licensed therapist, there’s nothing that makes you want to kill yourself more than constantly listening to music about wanting to kill yourself. In my professional opinion, midwest emo music is an epidemic in this country.”

“Just forget your scene cred for a goddamn minute and listen to some Lizzo,” she added. “At least until you get back on Tinder.”

When reached for comment, the lead singer and songwriter of Ripcord Falls, Jack Anthony, shared a similar sentiment.

“Ah, yeah… we don’t actually believe any of the stuff in those songs,” Anthony said. “Our manager just told me one day that I can’t really sing that great and handed me an American Football record. From then on, I started writing really long sentences about depression in a moleskin, and the rest is history. Everyone in the band is killing it, though — I’ve been married for six years.”

At press time, Grover was telling his friends and family about the incredible weighted blanket he bought during this period of depression that helped him feel hugged, despite keeping him in bed every day until 7 p.m.

Local Crust Punk Scene Veteran Just a Pigeon

Posted on by John Dixon

NEW YORK — The Lower East Side crust punk scene is gripped by debate over the credibility veteran scene icon Bradley “Lice” Skeever, who is in fact a pigeon, heavily face-tattooed sources confirmed.

“Man, it doesn’t matter whether Lice is a pigeon, human, rat, fish, or whatever. The dude is a total fucking legend — like the platonic ideal of a crust punk,” said fellow crust punk Tim “Toothless” Jones. “I met him outside a Dropdead show like, 20 years ago, and no matter how much this city changes, he’s always still the same. The guy truly gives no fucks: he never bathes, he travels around all the time, shits all over expensive cars, and eats food out of dumpsters or off the ground all the time.”

“I guess what I’m trying to say is, he’s perfect,” Jones concluded.

Others, however, felt the avian punk had some things to answer for to maintain his authenticity.

“Yeah… there’s a lot I don’t like about Bradley. Just last week I saw him accepting handouts in the park from old people, like some sort of charity case,” said detractor Nicholas Barnes. “He wasn’t even busking — he just sorta accepted bread from these old people; it was fucking weird. I also heard he sleeps in some luxury cage on top of a penthouse by Central Park. Plus, feathers? For real? No self-respecting punk would be caught dead in feathers. Get some leather or denim, you fucking poser.”

For his part, speaking through a translator, Skeever maintained that he has nothing to prove.

“The cooing, followed by the grooming of his feathers, means that anyone who thinks he’s anything but a real O.G. can go fuck themselves,” said Hank Smelker, Skeever’s longtime friend. “He says he was even born in a squat — or in a nest built on the side of one at least — and has lived his life on and above these streets. And you see how his shit is almost all white? That’s him trying to say he ate a lot of cheese off a discarded slice of pizza and his stomach is upset.”

At press time, Skeever was reported dead following a dispute over a discarded bag of Doritos with a crust punk dog named Toad.

Twin Galaxies Removes George Costanza’s Frogger High Score From Leaderboard After Discovering It Was Faked

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

OTTUMWA, Iowa — Calling the circumstance a highly regrettable error and promising that they will increase the thoroughness of their research in the future, video game record keeping organization Twin Galaxies announced the immediate removal of George Costanza’s high score in the arcade game Frogger after discovering it was faked, shocked sources confirmed.

“After re-reviewing the video footage that was submitted along with the score, we have confirmed that there are suspicious cuts, angles, and special effects that suggested that the gameplay session was totally fabricated,” said Twin Galaxies representative Michel McCullogh. “This is an unfortunate mishandling by our record keepers, but we have already made changes to our submission policy to prevent this sort of thing from happening in the future. We have also banned George Costanza from submitting additional records until further notice.”

Frogger fans immediately reacted to the news with little surprise.

“Yeah, everybody knows there’s no proof that George Costanza actually got that many points,” said Reddit user joystic_junkie. “In fact, if I remember right, the whole thing was shown in a flashback anyway. He was a teenager when he claimed to do it. Isn’t it supposed to be one uninterrupted video of the gameplay? I’m sure a flashback isn’t allowed. Pretty embarrassing that they missed that.”

At press time, a Q&A at Twin Galaxies following the announcement had suddenly gone off the rails after the revelation that the entire alleged record by Mr. Costanza was, in fact, a hoax that was part of an entire fictional television program.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.