OAKLAND, Calif. — A loose nail on the stage at a campaign stop earlier this week led to the revelation that Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders was secretly three uninsured college students in a trench coat, surprised DNC officials confirmed.
“When we started all this, we had no idea it would go this far,” said Xander Hoffman, the 26-year-old grad student credited as the policymaker of the three students and top third of Sanders. “Our thought was that we’d just get on the public stage and shake some things up, but it turns out people really related to what we were saying — we had to create an entire back story and convince the world we’d been in politics for over a quarter of a century. Thankfully Tommy, our middle section, is a whiz with video editing.”
While most of Bernie’s supporters are quietly awaiting more details, some were understandably upset.
“Honestly, him being three different people supporting each other to affect the most social change has me a little shaken,” said self-described “Bernie or Bust”-er Albert Lee. “I always thought of Bernie as the leader — not a collective of students trying to do the best they can for each other and their fellow man. I just… I need to think about this. At the end of the day, I still think these three guys have the best chance of beating Trump next year.”
Meanwhile, the DNC has sought to maintain their impartiality.
“This is a big relief for us. It’s going to be much easier to disqualify him now,” said spokeswoman Elfie Brown. “We don’t want to choose sides here, but you think about the commotion that occured with Hillary’s emails, and frankly, these are three young men who are… you know, much too immature to be trusted with state secrets. When Pete Buttigeig is getting hits from leftists over his clandestine military contracts, and Warren is getting huff over maybe faking her entire ethnicity, Bernie’s ‘revelation’ will not escape notice. We just hope this takes some heat off of Joe Biden for a while.”
As of press time, Bernie Sanders is now three points ahead in the polls.