Opinion: It’s Time for Santa to Be Female With Huge Tits and Like a Sword

Posted on by Dan Rice

Smash. The. Patriarchy. As we exit 2019 and enter the new roaring ‘20s it’s time to dispel the myth that a cis white male can be kind or generous. We need to reinvent Santa to reflect the values of our generation. The future is female and Santa should be too!

Oh, and he should have like friggin huge jugs and like a cool ass sword that does magic and shit.

When we strip away the antiquated notion of gender as a defining attribute, what really defines Santa is a spirit of giving and nurturing. Santa represents the maternal. What better way to symbolize this than huge cans? Like Taki from Soulcalibur, but more firm.

As a male feminist I fully support the push to make Santa female and, as an artist, I have some pretty sexy ideas. She’s gonna be a real hellcat. First off, ditch the big red coat. It doesn’t show off enough skin! If Santa is going to be a woman, she’s gonna a woman who’s proud of her body and not afraid of showing it off in micro bikini in December. Oh yeah, she knows what she’s doing.

Oh, you think a micro bikini doesn’t make sense for a character who lives in the north pole? Well then you underestimate how tough women are! Plus, MY Santa doesn’t live in the north pole, she lives in post apocalypse neo Tokyo.

In fact, we should probably do away with the whole gift giving thing altogether. It’s boring. What good is a sack full of presents against the hordes of radioactive zombies crawling all over neo Tokyo? It’s time to upgrade! Let’s swap that old bag for a zombie slaying sword powered by sex mana. And holiday cheer or whatever.

May hot chick zombie killing Santa teach our children about the miracle of Christ’s birth and the glory of his love for generations to come. Amen and God bless.

Exhibitionist Punk Removes Tape from Webcam

Posted on by Kevin Tit

YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio — Disturbed federal agents confirmed today that local punk and well-known exhibitionist Angela Meyers has removed the little piece of green tape that once covered the webcam on her laptop.

“I’m honestly surprised it took me this long,” said the 34-year-old attention-seeker. “I just thought it was some millennial hipster trend — like the Nelly Band-aid, but for computers. The second I found out there were people hacking into these cams to spy on people, I stripped off my clothes, threw on my Michael Myers mask, and made like a bikini waxer and peeled that sucker the fuck off. Thinking about the government watching me in my home fills me with immeasurable pleasure. It’s like if God was real and a peeping Tom.”

Despite Meyers’s newfound excitement, those closest to her aren’t as thrilled.

“Things have gotten really weird around the house,” said roommate Lukas Quartermaine. “I’m not trying to kink shame or anything… it’s just weird to come home and see the person you live with sitting on the couch in front of their computer, covered in peanut butter as they construct a smiley face made out of sliced bananas on their chest. I get that she likes the attention, but I just bought that stuff from Trader Joe’s, dude! If you’re gonna use my stuff for your fetish, at least replace it.”

A spokesperson for the National Security Agency noted that Meyers is an incredibly unique case.

“In my many years with the agency, this is the first time somebody has gone out of their way to get us to notice them,” said NSA Director Paul M. Nakasone. “On multiple occasions we’d get an alert of somebody googling how to join ISIS and do a routine investigation of the suspect, only to find Ms. Meyers live-streaming herself doing some sort of pickle ASMR while dressed in a Hamburglar costume. After multiple complaints from numerous employees, we actually considered just shutting down the entire agency for the first time in its history.”

At press time, Meyers had finished installing the new Amazon Ring doorbell camera in every room of her house.

Photo by Senny Mau.

Critical Role on Indefinite Hiatus After Matt Mercer Joins Thursday Night Intramural Team

Posted on by Neil Floyd

LOS ANGELES — Matt Mercer, Dungeon Master and face of the hugely popular Critical Role series, announced today that the show would be on indefinite hiatus due to scheduling issues with his new intramural basketball league.

“I’m sure a few people will be disappointed,” said Mercer “but I just can’t swing Thursday nights anymore. I joined this sick new basketball league, and of course their games are on the same night when Critical Role streams on Twitch. I’ve already spoken with Marisha, Laura, and the others, and we agree it doesn’t make sense to go on without me. The only option is to put aside the podcast, livestream, animated series, talk show, and production company for now, especially since Marisha’s been wanting to try this Thursday night pottery class at the Y anyway.” 

“Sometimes, schedules just don’t line up when you want to run a record-breaking multimedia franchise and also play in a weekly basketball league,” Mercer continued. “It’s an unfortunate part of adult life, but I know our fans will understand.”

Critical Role fans, or “critters,” were unsurprisingly quick to sympathize with Mercer’s scheduling troubles.

“I’m utterly heartbroken,” said critter Margo Reynolds, “but I get where Matt’s coming from. It kinda sucks that the story and characters I’ve invested literally hundreds of hours into are going away forever, but he’s only one guy. There isn’t much he can do when his Thursday nights get double booked like that. It’s so hard getting your friends together in the same room these days, and I’m amazed the Mighty Nein pulled it off for as long as they did.”

At press time, Critical Role co-star Travis Willingham was overheard saying he was secretly excited he could now go to Thursday trivia night at this bar in his neighborhood that he’s always wanted to check out.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

 

Hardcore Frontman Wants to Open Up This Relationship

Posted on by Brett McCabe

NORTHAMPTON, Mass. — Frontman for hardcore band XjaundiceX and local scene legend Al Harrell spent the past week trying to convince his partner Lily Vallee to consider ethical non-monogamy, apprehensive sources report.

“Lily, what the fuck is up! I want to hear you and your thoughts on opening up this fuckin’ relationship!” Harrell, who just finished reading “The Ethical Slut,” was overheard yelling to his partner of 14 months. “You know you mean the world to me, but I think it could strengthen our fuckin’ bond by allowing each other to enjoy other people from time to time, as long as we are sensitive towards each other’s fuckin’ feelings. I never want you to feel betrayed, so I’m fuckin’ happy to take things at your pace!”

Some of Harrell’s friends are happy he’s being clear about his wants and needs — including bandmate and XjaundiceX guitarist Danny Payton.

“Al can do anything he sets his mind to. He’s one of the hardest brothas out there,” Payton proudly said. “Back in his MSU days, I once saw him knock two guys out with a running double-armed clothesline at Pearl Street — we used to call him the Executioner. I can’t believe he talked his broad into letting him pork whoever he wants. This next tour is gonna be fuckin’ nuts! Wait, can I swear in this?”

Despite assumptions that Harrell will use the newly open relationship as an opportunity to “bang mad skanks,” his partner insisted that this is not the case.

“He comes off tough or whatever, but he’s super sweet, and really good at communicating. During our first threesome, Al was always checking in on me and making sure everyone felt included. We all had a lovely evening — we even recorded some good gang vocals for his band’s new 7” that night,” said Vallee. “A lot of people think the song ‘Speak Your Truth’ is about boycotting venues that serve booze, but it’s actually about some new relationship energy that came up around that time that we had to be really honest about.”

Harrell announced his updated relationship status during a recent set, in which he shouted out “…my family, my friends, my partner, and sharing the pleasure of an orgasm with various lovers.”

Opinion: How the Fuck Am I a Normal Type Pokémon?

Posted on by Collin Brown

What does the word “normal” mean to you? Is it plain? Regular? What springs to mind when you think of it? I bet you picture stuff you see every single day, like a coffee cup, maybe. Or a roll of masking tape. Whatever your definition of “normal,” I can guarantee that encountering a sentient blob of DNA jelly that can transform into anything it sees would not be “normal” to you. So why the fuck am I a normal type Pokémon?

Let’s take a look at some other normal Pokémon. Pidgey is a bird. That’s it. It’s a fucking plain-ass bird, like a pigeon. So they called it Pidgey. That’s normal as hell. Rattata? That’s just a rat. Their evolutions? Just bigger birds and rats. They’re just growing up, like normal animals. Me? I’m born a blob, but whenever I feel like it I can change my DNA to be anything I want. I can even change into a fucking rock. How am I in the same class as these basic-ass Pokémon?

I have put up with this injustice for long enough.

I am taking a stand and demanding to no longer be a normal type Pokémon. Frankly, it’s insulting. I am infinitely more valuable than these stupid woodland creature Pokémon. I could even turn into an Arceus, which is a literal God, yet also classified as a “normal’ type. Arceus and I are literal reality-warping super beings that defy everything that you understand about the universe, and you think we’re in the same class as a fucking rat? Not even close.

Hell, I’ve turned into people. Listen to me — I can become a man. I, a ditto, can become an adult man. I can live a whole life as a human being, going to work day in and day out, falling in love, writing taxes, all while secretly being a glob of purple nothing. You think that shit’s normal?

Now, if you’ll excuse me I have to fuck every Pokémon in this daycare, because I can breed with every Pokémon as well. You know, just “normal” shit.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

 

 

Hungover Man Guesses He Owns Local Band’s CD Now

Posted on by Collin Canning

CHAPEL HILL, N.C. — Local man and admitted problem-drinker Gibson Leary woke up this morning with a headache, dehydration, and a CD he must have bought at a show he attended last night, mildly concerned sources report.

“I just kinda stumbled out of bed and found it,” Leary stated, rubbing his temples vigorously while attempting to make sense of the hand-packaged CD. “I still can’t make heads or tails of what I’ve got here — is ‘The Middle Tom’ the band or the album name? People still make things in Microsoft Word? And why the fuck did I buy a CD?”

Leary’s roommate Adam Bruford confirmed the nonsensical purchase is not an isolated incident.

“I don’t get why he’s surprised — dude has more local band merch than anyone I know,” Bruford said, pointing out the stack of medium black T-shirts in the corner of a small shared living room. “He’s always saying he wants to support the local scene, but I’ve literally never heard him listen to anything but Hollywood Undead… and he’s usually doing some drunk bullshit during every band’s set anyway. Can’t accuse him of being a bad tipper, though.”

Breighton Dickson, a bartender at The Shifty Eel, confirmed Leary’s attendance the night prior, but did not recognize the CD Leary bought.

“Never heard of that band, but Gibby is a regular here,” Dickson said, reattaching legs to a wooden chair. “Every weekend he gets absolutely smashed and ends up going totally apeshit over whatever awful song is playing. Last night, he rolled in here toward last call and went berserk over a couple of assholes singing INXS at karaoke. It was kind of endearing, but only kind of.”

“Also, tell him he needs to reimburse us for the chair he broke pretending to do that ‘Titanic’ scene again,” he added.

At press time, Leary was unsure he would ever find out if the CD is any good. “I’m not even sure how I’m going to listen to this thing,” he admitted. “I think my parents have a CD player in their Corolla, so maybe I’ll check it out next time I’m home.”

You Can’t Fight City Hall, but You Can Fight the Guy at the Front Desk

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

Theses days, the bureaucracy and red tape of local government are choking the life out of democracy. And I don’t believe I’m exaggerating when I say this will be the death of America. That’s why I decided to take matters into my own hands and went down to city hall to make a difference, but when I got down there I learned two very important lessons:

1. You can’t fight city hall.

2. You can damn sure fight the guy at the front desk (and probably win!).

…I didn’t win.

Here’s my issue. Hypothetically, let’s say I wanted a crosswalk in my neighborhood where my kids play. Should be simple, right? All you need is some white paint and a few city council boomers to ritually sacrifice a virgin or however these things are done. 

That’s bullshit! Granted my non-hypothetical issue was less ‘I’m a father who wants his children to be safe’ and more ‘my neighbor keeps calling the cops when my basement cockfighting ring gets a little too rowdy.’ Whatever. Like we’re gonna have a chill cockfight. Get the fuck outta here.

Now last I checked, the first amendment guaranteed us the right to tell these government pigs what’s what – or own guns, I can’t remember. Either way, when I show up at city hall demanding to speak to these fat cats, no self-righteous prick at the front desk is going to tell me that constituent hours are on Wednesday and that I need to make an appointment. Them’s fighting words.

I guess Mr. Sits at a Fancy Desk at City Hall thinks he’s better than me and is gonna try to deny me my third or fourth amendment rights! So I told this asshole, I’m going in there and there’s not a goddamn thing he can do to stop me. Well, he starts flapping that dick holster of his about how he’s “just doing my job” and that “you can schedule an appointment for this afternoon.” You know who talked like that? Nazis! That’s when I started swinging.

Well apparently this City Hall employs goddamn MMA fighters because now I’m exercising my right to free speech through a wired jaw. Thanks, Obama.

Everyone at Punk Show Worried Everyone Else Will Find Out About Their Rich Parents

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

IRVINE, Calif. — Virtually every single punk attending the Bucket of Dog Shit record release show today is terrified everyone else will find out about their affluent upbringing, full-on poser sources confirmed.

“I’ve always sort of presented myself as a wild man with little to no regard for myself or others — if anyone here found out I graduated from college with honors, I’d be run out of the scene,” said scene staple Walt Simmons while eating a handful of roof tar. “I think we’d all be happier if we could just discuss our trust funds with one another, but I’m terrified of revealing my own privileged background. It’s like we’re all a bunch of international spies… but instead of life and death stakes, it’s trivial shit that really doesn’t matter.”

Crust punk Danika Hewitt revealed, on the condition of anonymity, the lengths she goes to hide her family’s wealth.

“I feel safe telling you this since you won’t be printing my name, but I’m the definition of a poser: I ripped the tags off my Target-bought Ramones shirt, and I have separate social media accounts for my family and my punk friends. Because frankly, I can’t afford to be cut off financially. It costs a lot to pretend to be poor,” said Hewitt, who grew up in a seven bedroom home and currently lives in a luxury apartment paid for by her parents. “I even take it as far as acting like I’m freegan, but I’ve literally placed gluten-free food in dumpsters ahead of time so I can later dumpster dive with my friends without getting a tummy ache.”

Frequent door guy and alleged badass punk Declan Moody looks down upon many of the punks he believes “had it better than he did.”

“They’re all a bunch of upper middle class posers in this scene. Me on the other hand? I grew up in just the regular middle class. We’re talking hard living — like, basic cable and Disney World every other year instead of every year,” said Moody. “Maybe I didn’t grow up on the wrong side of the tracks, but it was definitely the wrong side of the tracks adjacent. Or at least closer to the tracks than any of these soft punks.”

At press time, several punks are pretending not to know each other after spotting one another having dinner with their families at the local country club.

Aging Punk Worried New Drug Dealer Is Scamming Her

Posted on by Shea Strauss

COLUMBUS, Ohio — 41-year-old punk Kaira Rojas is concerned her new drug dealer is ripping her off, paying increasingly high prices for medication she needs to remain alive and healthy, according to sources.

“My old plug, Milk, told me to see this new dude when I needed something for my joints,” said Rojas. “But $300 for a handful of weak-ass pills? That’s bullshit. My pal Trent goes to the same guy and only pays half that. And to top it off, I have to pay this chick named Aetna a flat fee every month just to get this shit. Do I look like a total idiot?”

“Also, my new dealer uses all new slang,” she added. “‘Deductible?’ ‘HRA?’ ‘PPO?’ Those words aren’t even on Urban Dictionary. What a fucking tool.”

Rojas’ dealer Alex Kupjian sells an assortment of drugs, from opioids to steroids to amphetamines, at constantly fluctuating prices — which Rojas insists is evidence of his corruption.

“It’s pretty obvious he’s part of some huge cartel that runs a drug empire. I mean, how else are you gonna just operate in the back of a convenience stores across 43 states? And if I complain, he’ll just cut me off,” Rojas said. “I saw a fucking cop in there, and the dude just rang him up for his Dr. Pepper like it was nothing. I wouldn’t be surprised if like, top notch government officials at all levels are being paid off.”

Despite mounting evidence to the contrary, Kupjian claims to be a legitimate provider.

“I’m a pharmacist at CVS,” said Kupjian of his drug-dealing business. “I know the American healthcare system has its problems, but I’d appreciate if you’d stop referring to me as a drug dealer. There’s no way you actually think this is anything but a reputable pharmacy. Look, I have a doctorate.”

For her part, Rojas hopes the fall of Aetna’s overpriced reign is near.

“There’s some rumors about this guy Bernie vying to be the new kingpin or some shit,” said Rojas. “I’m not sure what his deal is, but he seems a lot less shady than Aetna’s gang running things. It would be great if I could get my drugs at street value.”

At press time, Rojas was trying to convince Milk to start selling rheumatoid arthritis medication.

Pokémon Is Kind of Fucked Up If You Think About It

Posted on by Aevee Bee

A lot of people don’t realize this, but if you think about it — and I mean really think about it — these Pokémon games are like super messed up. They’re dark. People seem to think that it’s just a game for babies, and I know I’ve teased you about it in the past myself, but I’ve been doing some research and it turns out that if you scratch the surface just a bit, you’ll find layer after layer of some frankly fucked up shit in those games.

And yes, I’m being serious this time! Forget about what I said about finding Mew under that truck. That’s just some dumb rumor from the internet that I told you to mess with you. But I’ve discovered some truly dark stuff this time. Like have you ever thought about how totally mega-fucked-up the whole premise of the game is? I mean, you’re literally running around making your pets fight each other to death. Oh sure, the game says they’re just fainting, but what do you think is going to happen when Charizard uses Flame Thrower on some fucking doofus twerp like Bellsprout? That little dude is totally dead for sure.

Oh yeah, and if you don’t believe me, then where do you think Ghost type Pokémon come from, bro? Ghost types are some of THE most fucked up Pokémon imaginable. Some of them are straight up dead people, like what the hell? Oh yeah, sure, I’m just gonna catch the restless soul of a dead child and put it in a plastic ball. And this is supposed to be a kid’s game? Maybe your character lies awake at night sometimes, wondering the same questions, like when that lost soul is going to finally come for revenge. Ghost trainers are metal as fuck, taming the forsaken dead of their world just to have a type advantage against Psychic.

And you know those legendary Pokémon? You think they’re cool, huh? Sure, if by ‘cool’ you mean a whole new level of fucked-up insanity. Sure, the first couple are a bunch of stupid elemental birds, but then they start getting to ones with full power over reality itself. Imagine some twelve-year-old with complete control over the entire space-time continuum because he threw a master ball at God himself? That’s some insane fucking shit. What would you do with that power? Would you remake the world in your own image? How do you know that’s not what’s already happened? You’re the center of the world, the Pokémon champion, and getting there was so easy even a kid could do it. Whether or not you believe it, you can’t deny it’s possible. So just be careful with those games, I don’t want you to go totally psycho and become a crazy serial killer or something.

Oh, and the cartoon? Don’t even get me started on the cartoon. You’re a total dweeb if you think Ash Ketchum ever woke up after he got struck by lightning on that bike.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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