Punk Carolers Regretting Decision to Sing “Last Caress”

Posted on by Alan Khanukaev

LIVONIA, Mich. — A group of punk Christmas carolers regretted their choice to include The Misfits’ classic “Last Caress” in their repertoire after it was met with a mix of disgust and horror, confirmed the wassailing trio.

“When it comes to Christmas and punk songs, every poser this side of Ann Arbor goes with that bullshit song by The Pogues, ‘Fairytale of New York,’” said Johanna Dane, one of the punks overcome with the spirit of the season. “But no other song captures the story of Christmas quite like ‘Last Caress.’ The whole ‘I killed a baby’ lyric… I mean, if that’s not a reference to Herod’s Massacre of the Innocents, then what the hell did I spend 12 years skipping Catholic school for?”

Local families, however, were not as open-minded in their interpretation of the classic horror-punk track. Footage collected from surrounding Ring doorbell cameras showed families reacting with shock and threats of violence, hurrying their children back inside less than halfway through the group’s 2-minute performance.

“Boy, I tell ya, you certainly don’t expect that kind of language from a young lady with a face tattoo and a Leftover Crack T-shirt,” said longtime neighborhood resident Martin Yates. “My daughter was so excited when she saw them at the door — now, she’s going to have nightmares thinking about these degenerates murdering her.”

Indeed, the group was surprised that the song’s obvious religious symbolism went right over people’s heads.

“Yes, in hindsight, the whole ‘I raped your mother’ line might’ve been a risk… but that one guy who chased us off of his porch because his mother is in hospice care really needed to calm down. We really thought it was clearly an obvious, albeit unconventional, allegory for the Immaculate Conception,” confirmed fellow caroler Loughlain McPherson. “It’s not our fault people didn’t get it — the whole thing has gotten so commercial, people have forgotten the truly hardcore origins of the holiday.”

At press time, the group was hoping to salvage the evening, trying to uncover the theological undertones of “Religious Vomit” by the Dead Kennedys.

Guy Gaming for 17 Hours Decides He’s Doing It For Charity

Posted on by Matt Shore

LUBBOCK, Texas — Local philanthropist and call center operator Ben Walter nobly decided that the whole time he’d been sitting in front of his television, he had been doing it for charity, exhausted sources confirmed.

“My son has always thought of others,” said Walter’s mother Laura. “Even when he would hog the living room TV for hours with Mario Kart, not letting anyone else use a controller so he could have the full screen to himself, he’d say, ‘I’m thinking about sick kids in Africa while I play this,’ and that would be it. We couldn’t prove him wrong.”

According to Walter, the decision to have been gaming for charity this whole time despite not raising any money was difficult but vital.

“I’ve always believed it’s important to claim you’re giving back to the little people,” said Walter, adjusting his back pillows during a loading screen. “I just figured it was time gamers finally stood up for something. Well, not literally, but claiming you’re binge is actually for charity is a great way to get people off of your back for playing too much.”

“It would be rude to the victims of whatever disease I’m pretending to raise money for if I backed out now.”

While save-scumming his way through the death of another character, Ben assured fans that turning the game off still technically counted as a marathon so long as he was in a menu. “You can’t just call something a gaming marathon when it clearly isn’t. That would be downright criminal.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Sleepy Punk Puts Tiny Nightcaps On Each Individual Mohawk Spike

Posted on by John Dixon

ST. LOUIS — Acquaintances of chronically fatigued punk Anthony Mafodda are reportedly perplexed by the rocker’s nocturnal habit of sheathing each individual point of his mohawk in an old-timey silk nightcap.

“Listen, I know it’s a little weird, but the nightcaps keep this ‘do of mine nice, stiff, and pointy,” Mafodda said as he painstakingly lowered the conical hats one by one onto the half-foot tall spikes atop his head. “The scratches my liberty spikes were leaving on my headboard were becoming an eyesore, and the amount of pillow cases my mohawk stabbed right through was becoming an issue. And this saves me money, because I don’t have to keep applying product to it to keep it sharp.”

“Plus, I can huff all the extra glue I used to have to use on my hair,” Mafodda added.

Bo Alberti, who once toured in a band with Mafodda, recounted Mafodda’s dedication to using the nightcaps.

“Yeah… even when we were three-quarters of the way through a tour, crashing on floors or sleeping in the van, he’d break out those tiny little hats,” said Alberti. “I once saw him so blackout drunk he literally was unable to speak and vomited on a police horse… but at the end of the night before he fell unconscious, those nightcaps went on his hair like magic. And they were always clean! The rest of his clothes hadn’t seen the inside of a washing machine in months, but you better believe those stupid fucking hats were immaculate.”

Mafodda’s dedication to the protective coverings for his mohawk have allegedly confused his partner as well, placing some strain on their relationship.

“I mean, it was sorta cute the first couple of times he put the hats on when we went to bed,” said Mafodda’s partner Glenn Washington. “But it takes so long to put them on, I’m already zonked out by the time he actually gets into the bed. And the hats make him look like a total fucking loser.”

At press time, Mafodda added a vintage nightgown to his nighttime ensemble and was fast asleep, snoring loudly enough that each inhalation shook the hats atop his head and each exhale came out as a high-pitched, “Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi.”

Woman Rebrands Absolute Shitshow Personal Life as “Her Journey”

Posted on by Kyle Sekaquaptewa

LOS ANGELES — Local woman Shelby Walsh announced yesterday that she’s “turned over a new leaf,” rebranding her tumultuous personal life as “her journey,” several skeptical friends report.

“I’ve been doing a lot of deep soul-searching over these last few months, and I’ve learned so much about myself and my purpose,” said the aspiring Instagram model in a recent caption. “I’ve realized that life is more than just a series of things that I do for and on cocaine: I am a being of boundless light and energy, and I’m ready to take the next step in my journey.”

While Walsh is promising big changes in her life, those close to her remain doubtful that she’s truly grown as a person, due to a long pattern of behavior they’ve deemed “remarkably shitty.”

“I mean, I guess it’s great that she’s ready to grow up… I just wish that part of her ‘journey’ included paying back the $600 she stole from me to buy Coachella tickets,” said ex-roommate Nick Best. “Three times. Three fucking times she’s done this. I’ve tried to confront her about it, but she said she’s ‘done living in the past,’ that ‘paying back all of that money just feels like a step backwards in [her] growth,’ and that she is ‘so much more than [her] debts.’ She sucks. There’s no other way of saying it.”

Although Walsh is adamant she’s embarking on an exciting new journey in her life, many still believe that she’s only found another way to exploit her friends for personal gain.

“She keeps talking about her big plans, and how she’s found a new way to undo years of damage,” said Walsh’s older sister Ashley. “I’m pretty sure she’s just selling essential oils, and I doubt those will help her un-fuck my fiancé behind my back. Nice try, though.”

Indeed, at press time, Walsh was already setting herself up for a more stable financial future.

“My toxic friends and my arrest record are only small parts of my story,” said Walsh in a mass email sent to her entire contacts list. “I’m ready to write the next chapter, and I’d love to have you join my downline for an exciting financial opportunity.”

I’m Just a Handsome Single-Father From a Small Town Called Jingleton Seeking an Overworked City Girl That’s Lost the Christmas Spirit

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

Me – A gorgeous firefighter that is also a devoted single-father to a little girl named Holly. Holly lost her mother to an unnamed disease two years ago right around Christmas. But that doesn’t stop us from celebrating in our own, small-town, flanneled, way. This year Holly asked Santa for a mommy for Christmas, isn’t that adorable?!

You – And overworked girl from New York that is in line for that big promotion in the hospitality business. You’re always looking at your phone, putting work in front of your personal life, and never take time to slow down. You have a best-friend or an assistant, she’s probably a minority, that tells you all the time that you need love in your life.

I happen to think that your car breaking down here was fate, destiny, or, dare I say, a Christmas miracle. But you are pragmatic, aren’t you? You don’t believe in stuff like that. But I bet I can show you the meaning of Christmas.

Sure, we do things a little different here in my Christmas themed town of Jingleton. We have an old guy with a beard that may-or-may-not be the real Santa, one sassy old black lady, and a diner that serves the best pie. Did I mention I drive a pick-up with a Christmas Tree perpetuity loaded in the bed?

I am looking to do some flirty snowball fight, flirty tree decorating, flirty cookie baking sessions, and flirty figure skating. Maybe helping with the firehouse fundraising gala to help reignite your love for Christmas. Then we will kiss under the town Christmas tree just as it starts to snow.

At the end of, I don’t know, like three days together you are going to have to make the biggest decision of your life. Leave your amazing job in the city or move to Jinglton with me and Molly because you feel love for the first time in your life.

In summary, HSF from STCJ seeks OCG whose LCS. Height/weight proportional preferred, no smokers.

Office Worker Doesn’t Notice He’s in ‘Groundhog Day’ Time Loop For Two Whole Weeks

Posted on by CJ Hernandez

TAMPA, Fla. — Local data entry clerk Frank Richmond, 27, was reportedly released from a Groundhog Day-esque time loop, which he claims to have not noticed for over two weeks.

“Every day is the same anyway, so I didn’t even realize I was stuck in a loop of identical ones,” said the burnt-out millennial. “I drive to work, I stare at a screen for eight hours, I drive home, I stare at a screen for four hours, I go to sleep. After several days, I thought it was Saturday, and I got a call from my boss screaming at me for not being there. I didn’t question it, I just came in. I asked if I was getting paid overtime and I got laughed at, so it all still felt pretty normal.”

When asked what finally tipped him off to his situation, Richmond claimed it was the Disney+ streaming service.

“I realized something was wrong when there wasn’t a new episode of The Mandalorian to watch,” Richmond explained. “I know it’s kind of a weird release schedule they have going on, but after two weeks of no Baby Yoda I knew something was up.”

Upon realizing that he was trapped in a time loop, Richmond stopped going to work and just continued watching streaming content at home for over four months. While many are skeptical of his story, several of his co-workers are convinced.

“It’s gotta be true,” said coworker Patricia Glass. “Tuesday he tells me he’s never seen an episode of Breaking Bad, Thursday he comes in and he’s talking about Better Call Saul and El Camino. Nobody can binge that hard, it’s physically impossible.”

Reportedly, after finishing all of the streaming shows in his watch list, Richmond awoke in his normal life, finally free of the monotonous time loop that he mistook for his normal life. 

At press time, Richmond’s manager had reportedly taken four months out of Richmond’s PTO, claiming that he should have been working during the loop and that time stream shenanigans do not excuse time theft.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Papa Roach Fan Still Alive Weeks After Head Severed

Posted on by Jon Wood

VACAVILLE, Calif. — Local Papa Roach fan Danny Herman scurried out of a Circle K this morning in apparent good health, despite being decapitated in a freak vaping accident two weeks ago, several grossed-out sources confirmed.

“I was hanging out with Danny the day his vape went off like a bomb and took his clean head off,” recalled childhood friend Jordan Breeding. “It was a nightmare — he just started bleeding everywhere. I mean, it was mutilation outta sight: suffocation, no breathing. Luckily we were able to rig a tourniquet out of his JNCOs and sterilize the wound with some leftover hydrogen peroxide he used to frost his tips earlier.”

A representative for the Vacaville Medical Center confirmed that Herman, who was admitted to the hospital two weeks ago with his head completely severed below the goatee, was recently discharged from intensive care.

“Well, it turns out, Papa Roach fans are incredibly resilient — most people I’ve encountered tend to die immediately without their head,” said surgeon Hakan Degirmenci. “I guess that explains why these pests have been around for ages, and can subsist on one stale single or any nü-metal garbage from the ’90s, really. For how long, we just don’t know. I’ve never seen anything like it, and I’m a huge Tool fan.”

Because of the unique DNA required to enjoy the band’s brand of hard rock, the scientific community has been studying unusual Papa Roach phenomena for years.

“Contrary to myth, fans of Papa Roach are highly social creatures and crave human touch,” said Dr. Ashley Nguyen, a professor of entomology at Chico State. “They’re fascinating beings: they can also survive radiation levels that would kill a normal human being. What else? Oh, did you know they hate the smell of peppermint? And they lay eggs. Like, loads of them.”

“As for how long a Papa Roach fan can survive without a head? I mean, we could be talking months under the right laboratory conditions,” Dr. Nguyen added. “But unfortunately, nobody’s funding that bomb-ass research anymore.”

Herman was last sighted being shooed off a decrepit porch by a neighbor whom sources identified as a government-subsidized Korn aficionado.

Simpsons-Themed Monopoly Game Only Fun for 10 or 11 Turns

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

ALPENA, Mich. —  A recent game of a Simpsons themed version of the classic board game Monopoly only proved to be fun for the first ten or eleven turns, decreasingly amused sources have reported. 

“When we started, I’d never had more fun playing a board game before,” said Ethan Hunter, who participates in his family’s game night every Sunday evening. “It’s got all the staples of a classic board game, yet it subverts the entire medium by critiquing the core tenets of American life all the while being incredibly silly. If we’re being honest though, the game really lost its steam about an hour in and I don’t even think anyone’s trying anymore.”

The variation of the popular board game was recommended by the father of the family, Jacob Hunter, who had fond memories of playing it in his youth.

“Oh yeah, when I was a ‘90s kid there was nothing as good as Simpsons Monopoly,” he said. “Once you get through that clunky first turn, holy shit. Best gaming experience ever. Even though it always goes to complete shit by the end,  I still rank Simpsons Monopoly as my favorite board game. Even ahead of Seinfeld Scene it and Cheers Clue.” 

Younger members of the family without decades of nostalgia entering into their evaluation were less receptive to the game. 

“Don’t listen to that shit about 10 or 11 turns,” said Evelyn Hunter, the youngest of the family. “Four was really the last good one. Everything after that was just us going in circles, trying to bottle the lightning from the first few laps around the board. I mean seriously, what’s the point of switching the identity of the ‘Go To Jail,’ guy? I’m afraid Monopoly is just another once vital cultural relic who’s insistence on milking as much money out of it as possible ended up dulling its legacy.” 

The session of Simpsons Monopoly is reportedly still underway and doesn’t appear to be ending anytime soon. As of press time, the ‘Homer Gets A New Job,’ Chance card had been drawn for the 47th time.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Photo via Francis Bijl

Registered Sex Offender Excited, Legally Required to Announce New Tour Dates

Posted on by Shea Strauss

DALLAS — Singer-songwriter and registered sex offender Wilfred Barton announcded his first tour dates at a press conference held yesterday afternoon since pleading guilty to sexual assault charges.

“I’m so excited, and judicially mandated, to announce my upcoming tour!” said the 34-year-old “artist” outside of his parole officer’s building. “Tickets are now on sale — all proceeds go to paying my legal fees, and shows are 18+, per court orders. I’m looking forward to finally returning to the road and being released from house arrest. I hope to see many of you there… except those I have to keep 100 feet away from, of course.”

Despite being found guilty of sexual misconduct with minors, Barton still has a dedicated following.

“I believe in second chances and separating the art from the artist, which is why I see no problem in attending the ‘Groupies Get Free Drinks Tour,’” said superfan Silas Santos, who has already purchased tickets for himself and his younger sister. “Wilfred is a millionaire who overcame great adversity after getting caught being a straight-up predator and taking advantage of young fans. It’s really an inspiring underdog story, if you think about it.”

Barton’s manager Benjamin Underhall confided that he struggled arranging the tour with the legal and safety concerns.

“This whole experience has been extremely difficult,” Underhall explained. “It’s been a logistical nightmare keeping track of state-by-state legal restrictions for sex offenders, finding venues that are far enough away from schools and playgrounds, and tracking down 19-year-olds who look 16 and whose parents don’t watch the news.”

“More than anything, this whole ordeal is unfair,” he added. “Everyone I represent in the music industry has targeted underage fans, and Wilfred is the only one who was actually held responsible for his actions. It’s an outrage that he should have to suffer any inconveniences for his actions.”

At press time, Underhall was seen backing out of his secretary’s office and silently mouthing, “I’m not here” after recognizing the number of a well-known death metal band.

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