Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

Santa’s Elves Miss Their Families as They Enter Fourth Straight Week of Crunch

Posted on December 20, 2019 by Collin Brown

NORTH POLE — As Christmas nears, Santa’s elves and their families are starting to feel the effects of the modern toy economy as they enter their fourth consecutive week of forced overtime often called “crunch.”

“I’ve been putting in 100 hour weeks to get all these games out in time for Christmas,” said Gumdrop Bubbleshoes, lead sound engineer. “I had to miss my sons 413th birthday. My wife is furious, but what am I going to do? The games have to be ready and out on Christmas Eve. Frankly, we’re overworked and underpaid, but that’s doesn’t really gel with people’s perceptions of happy little elves making toys.”

Elves with more seniority in Santa’s Workshop were quick to bemoan the bygone era of toy development when asked for comment.

“This job used to be the best job an elf could get,” said Bug Tester Sweetpie McMinty. “We were really cranking out the toys back in the days of wagons and wooden horses, but then came the electronics. Now instead of molding or sculpting, I’m crawling through 10,000 lines of code to figure out why corpses won’t stop clipping through the environment in Modern Warfare. It’s enough to make me want to switch to cobbling or cookie making!”

As for the head of the North Pole development team, Santa says crunch is merely an unfortunate and natural part of the industry.

“I really don’t see any way around it,” he said. “The good boys and girls deserve their games. We’ve all had to make sacrifices. I mean, from a management standpoint we’re looking at having to outsource for the first time in our history. It’s either that, or push back Christmas to Q2 2020, which would be a logistical nightmare.”

At press time, Santa revealed that he was strongly considering laying off the entire staff of elves once Christmas ends.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Beta Male Slaps Dent Into Drywall

Posted on December 20, 2019 by John Danek

COLUMBIA, Md. – Non-confrontational wuss Samuel Bleck took out decades of built-up frustration today by open-palm slapping drywall in his home and leaving a mild dent, his giggling girlfriend reported.

“Natasha was giving me a lot of lip because some tall jerk stood right in front of her while we were watching Death Cab,” explained Bleck in his squeaky, strained voice. “What can I say? I’m a pacifist. But she kept complaining and urging me to do something — I felt so bad for the guy having to hear this bickering all concert, I bought him a beer. That’s when she went off, and… well, I lost my cool when I got home. I’m going to have to go to urgent care to take care of my throbbing pinky fingy.”

Natasha Glenner, Bleck’s girlfriend, admitted that he isn’t the type of guy she usually dates.

“After my last string of awful, toxic boyfriends, I decided it was time to date a guy on the… heh, heh… ‘gentle’ side of the spectrum,” said Glenner between bouts of stifled chuckling. “But where most of my exes would have bashed multiple holes into drywall, Samuel… HA! Sorry. Samuel wound up with his full body to slap the wall with his palm, and then screamed out in pain at an octave so high, all the dogs in the neighborhood started howling.”

Glenner had to call a handyman to repair the dent, as the couple is moving out of their apartment and Bleck has extreme anxiety about talking to strangers on the phone.

“When she called, I thought she was in danger,” reported home repair specialist Devin Gleister. “Turns out she couldn’t get out the words without cracking up… but I definitely sensed a bit of shame in her voice, too. Anyways, when I got there, we couldn’t actually find a dent. I’m pretty sure the drywall kind of just healed itself, if that makes any sense. It was mostly a waste of time, but I got her phone number and we might get dinner next weekend, so that’s cool.”

As of press time, Glenner reportedly dumped Bleck, who is taking out his frustration by trying and failing to get drunk on Seagram’s Calypso Colada wine coolers.

Photo by Kevin Tit.

Not so Tough Now: I Just Pulled the Plug on My Comatose Stepdad

Posted on December 20, 2019 by Patrick Coyne

My step-dad was always a hard ass. He’d embarrass me in front of my friends, emasculate me in front of my partners, and kept me on edge with his steely cold demeanor ever since he married my mom ten years ago. Well, well, well, who’s a big man now laying there on that hospital bed all beeping and shit? Not so tough now, are you?

Wait. He can’t hear me, right?

Okay good. That fucking coward. That weak, pathetic 71-year-old man. I bet it’d be pretty hard to bump into me with your walker now, Rick. You mother-fucking motherfucker.

God, look at you. All frail and pale. Nice work getting put into a medically induced coma from all that black lung. You clearly weren’t thinking about this moment when you were pulling people out of the North Tower, ya dummy. “Ooooh I’m Rick and I’m a first responder and I’m soooo tough.” Well now I’m the big man. Now I’m… The Last Responder. Yeah, that sounds badass.

If there’s anything I’ve learned on my 45 years on this Earth, it’s that who laughs last laughs best. That’s actually most of what I’ve learned. I’m a very bitter person.

As soon as my mom went down to the cafeteria I pulled the plug on ol’ weak-ass Ricky. You should have seen his face after I did it too. His eyes shot open and he breathed on his own for the first time in weeks! I was so angry I grabbed that asshole’s body so hard that I started crying. When we finally pulled away, he looked me in the eyes and said, “I love you, son.” Ha! What a pussy.

Tourists in Iceland Disappointed Skybox of Northern Lights Never Loaded

Posted on December 20, 2019 by Joe Tilleli

REYKJAVÍK, Iceland — Two Americans vacationing in Iceland faced a devastating letdown upon discovering the Northern Lights skybox failed to load during their trip.

“The lack of gorgeous lights in the night sky really breaks the immersion,” said Lindsay Ganz, who had been brought by her boyfriend Mark Hankis to Iceland for a very special romantic vacation. “It’s like going to Hopi Point without seeing the sunrise over the Grand Canyon or a vacation to Halo without seeing the other side of the Halo ring from where you’re standing. I’m really disappointed in the Northern Lights’ performance issues.”

Upon arriving and driving their rental car to a spot they’d heard had a great view, the couple weren’t greeted by the beautiful green swirling lights of the Aurora Borealis, but instead by harsh black and pink checkered walls.

“We really wanted to see the Aurora Borealis,” Hankis said. “It’s the main reason I picked Iceland in the first place to propose to Lindsay. Frankly, I spent so much on the tickets I had to go cheap on the ring. Even though the Icelandic devs screwed this all up, I wasn’t going to let that ruin the trip and get in the way of what I came here to do.”

Hankis went on to describe how he still went through with the proposal he had planned the entire trip around, although he’d intended for a more scenic backdrop.

“Honestly, the pink squares were pretty cool looking too,” he said.

“When Mark got down on one knee and asked the question, my heart stopped,” said Ganz. “In that moment it didn’t matter that these damn coders screwed up the one thing I wanted to see in Iceland. I’m just so happy to be engaged to Mark and spend my life with him. Though, whatever bug is preventing the sky from lighting up must also be messing up the ring textures because the resolution and poly-count seem super low. This ring looks like a hunk of shit.”

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Local School Board Unsure Why Billy Corgan Speaking at Meeting

Posted on December 20, 2019 by James Knapp

GREAT BARRINGTON, Mass. — Smashing Pumpkins frontman Billy Corgan stood up to speak last night at an assembly about the current state of the education system in Western Massachusetts, confusing local school board members and citizens.

“He just showed up and started talking about how Federal grants are a scam, and something about Monsanto agents. Honestly, it was all pretty hard to follow,” said Board President Wanda Leigh. “This meeting was supposed to be about buying new uniforms for the high school baseball team — he spent 40 minutes ranting about the New Deal as a ‘communist plot to overthrow the Treasury Department.’ I’m pretty sure he doesn’t live in this district; I have no idea why he showed up.”

Not all in attendance were unhappy with the aging alt-rocker’s presence at the meeting.

“I may not agree with everything he said, but that whole bit about increasing funding for the arts really hit home,” said PTA member Deborah Nader. “Sure, he seemed as little unhinged during that one tirade about adding bowhunting to the Phys. Ed. curriculum, and how there should be a new class to teach kids professional wrestling… but he still made some pretty good points about standardized testing being ineffectual. It’s good to see that, despite all his fame, he still takes the time to get involved.”

Following his presentation, Corgan expanded on his comments.

“The American education system is being throttled by an antiquated learning model, outdated facilities and massive budget cuts. I blame the reptilian hyper-zealots that run the government,” said Corgan. “They’ve spent too much on the military and cozy, warm rocks for basking to properly fund one our most essential institutions. Children are the future! Without them, who will defend us during the forthcoming lizard wars?”

At press time, Corgan was spotted rushing to teach a Jamaican cooking class at the local learning annex.

Woman Excited to Announce Upcoming MILF Status

Posted on December 19, 2019 by Shea Strauss

KIRBY, Wyo. — Local woman Madison Fuller announced today via multiple social media platforms that she is expecting to be a MILF sometime around mid-June of next year, according to weirdly delighted sources.

“Ever since I was a young girl and first heard ‘Stacey’s Mom,’ I dreamt of becoming a mother who people lusted after. God has answered my prayers!” Fuller shared in an Instagram story featuring a sensual photo of Fuller’s derriere in a thong studded with rhinestones reading, “Mom 2 Be.” “I’m thrilled we’re expecting the arrival of a yummy mummy soon and expanding our family’s sexual desirability. Every day, we are a little closer to meeting the MILF I’ll soon become. Swipe up for hotttt picz!”

Fuller’s obstetrician-gynecologist Dr. Zack Sutherland had only positive news about the pregnancy.

“After a full physical exam, I can confirm things are developing… nicely, if you know what I’m saying,” confirmed Sutherland, while making a boob shape with his hands before giving a high five. “Already, the pregnancy really gives the prospective mother a glow that takes her from just another gross, 30-year-old middle aged woman, to a whole new category of sexual fantasy.”

“I’m optimistic we’ll be able to do a C-section, too. No need to slash a perfectly good gash,” Sutherland added with an aggressive elbow nudge.

Fuller’s husband Zhihao Qiang has been ecstatic since his wife shared the good news.

“I cannot express how excited I am to be a daddy to a hot mom,” said Qiang. “I can’t wait to squeeze those big ol’ cheeks and tickle those thick-ass thighs — I can already imagine taking her to her first baseball game as a MILF and showing her off to the whole crowd.”

“More than anything, I can’t wait to see the look of pride in my father’s eyes when I stroll up with that hot mom-bod on my arm. It was always my mother’s dream to be a GILF — I’m so sad she won’t be around to level up to Mature Grandma Hot search term status,” Qiang added, his eyes welling up.

When asked about the upcoming child, Fuller assured friends and family, “I guess we’re keeping it.”

Pottermore Update Requires Picture of Genitals Before Confirming Gender

Posted on December 19, 2019 by Owen Crowlie

LONDON — A recent Pottermore update will now require users to upload pictures of their genitals in order to confirm their gender at the behest of author J.K Rowling.

“People are free to do as they please,” Rowling stated on Twitter. “But visually confirming every fan’s genitals before they join the site is the best thing we can do to ensure everyone’s safety. It is crucial to the Harry Potter community.”

Rowling has gradually opened up about her gender critical views on social media, and as a self proclaimed feminist, she has promised her followers to put her beliefs into action.

“As a feminist, it is important to me to acknowledge sex as a reality,” Rowling explained. “Your born sex and body is absolutely the metric by which you should be judged as a person. You can’t just change some important part of your backstory years after the fact. That would be ridiculous.”

One parent took to Twitter with a screenshot, asking Rowling to explain a prompt presented to her teenage daughter with the sorting hat asking to send a “Well lit picture of your genitals for security purposes.”

“This is simply to protect your *alleged* daughter from predators that might take advantage of her,” Rowling replied. “Imagine your daughter talking to a ‘female’ friend about their patronuses, when in reality the person she’s talking to doesn’t have a vagina at all. Chilling.”

Others have come out in support of Rowling, praising the new system.

“When I read Harry Potter as a child,” a user named GenderCriticalUmbridge posted, “I was inspired by the way children were told their exact role in life from an early age that they had to conform to, and aim to live by that, as well as require others to do so as well.”

At press time, Rowling was asked by advocates if the update would target trans men as well.

“Trans what now?” Rowling responded.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

Emotional Affair Ends in Sweaty, Purely Physical Divorce

Posted on December 19, 2019 by Freelancer

HOMER, Ala. — The emotional affair between English teacher Lara Palledorous and her co-worker Allessandro Reyes resulted in a sweaty, purely physical and entirely literal divorce from her husband of four years, which was finalized late this morning.

“All I did was tell [Reyes] I loved him, and that I wanted to leave my piece-of-shit husband and lay in a hammock with him forever… but I hadn’t technically left yet or anything, and I don’t even own a hammock, so it’s not like I really did anything,” explained Palledorous, flipping through Instagram pictures of Reyes wearing nothing but an expertly placed gourd. “I only had sex with other dudes when my husband and I were dating — after our wedding, I only did emotional stuff with random men, I swear. I’m not a monster.”

“Besides, do you really mean to tell me that saying I want to swallow someone’s dick while my husband is sleeping in the other room is just as bad as actually doing that? If that’s the case, you really don’t wanna see my private Twitter,” she added.

Palledorous’s emotionally cuckolded husband, Brian, believed that his wife talking about spending a single weekend in a secluded cabin, naked and hot-tubbing with various men she met on Tinder was grounds for a divorce, regardless of physical contact.

“She keeps telling me she’s just ‘innocently blowing off steam’ by sending innuendo-laden Facebook messages until 3 a.m. some nights, but I’ll admit I still feel sort of slighted,” said Brian, finishing fifth as Luigi in “Mario Kart 8 Deluxe” on an undocked Nintendo Switch. “I don’t think I can be with a woman who spends as much time talking to other men as I do ignoring her and playing video games in silence.”

Though most divorce proceedings tend to be brief and routine, the Palledorous’s hearing took longer than expected — which some believe was due in part to unresolved physical issues between the two.

“I don’t think this is typical, but as soon as the divorce was finalized, Lara jumped on Brian and started tearing his clothes off and licking his chest saying, ‘You’re not my husband’ over and over,” said Lara’s lawyer, Richard “Dodgy Dick” Marshall III. “Things were getting pretty hot and heavy before the bailiff pulled them apart: they were so greasy and slippery with sweat, it took, like, five minutes. I’m not going to lie, it was probably the hottest divorce ever.”

As of press time, Reyes received a message from Lara saying that she and her husband decided they should give it another shot, accompanied by a photo of her cleavage.

OPINION: All I Want For Christmas Is Revenge

Posted on December 19, 2019 by Jordan Breeding

It starts earlier every year. The lights, the music, the “harmless” lies that make children think the world gives a damn about their little wants and needs until adulthood pulls the rug right out from under them. But is that Jack Frost nipping at your nose? Or is it fear?

This year I’m done with all the disgusting commercialism and the marketing and the waiting around for Santa to bring me that perfect gift. I don’t want any video games or tablets or fancy watches. What I want more than anything is my life back. I want my wife to kick the drugs and come home. But If I can’t get that, I’ll take what I can get.

This year all I want for Christmas… is revenge.

That’s right. I’m making a list, checking it twice, going to find out which of Santa’s elves slept with my wife.

I know it had to be one of his little helpers what with their tiny, nimble fingers and their never-ending youthful ability to get rock hard at a moment’s notice. And this year, the only thing on my wish-list is to find out which.

This Christmas, there will be no peace on earth. Come all ye faithful, and taste my wrath. The halls will be decked with the blood of anyone who stands in my way.

Also, not a creature will be stirring, once my work is done. I’ve got a lot of these.

I’ve been a good little boy all year, so I know Santa’s bringing me some loot. I’ll make sure my chimney is swept so he doesn’t have any trouble. I’ll even leave out a big pitcher of 2% milk and a plate of chocolate chip cookies and other assorted baked goods. But just as soon as that chubby clown starts downing my delicious home-made pastries, I’ll bust him right in the mouth, and tie his diabetic butt to my nativity radiator.

Oh but first I’ll probably say something like “Hey Cringle. Watch this.”

I know he knows, and he’s going to tell me. We’ll see if he’ll talk before Dunder and Blixem can Rudolph their way through the elaborate system of Home Alone-themed booby traps I’ve rigged my apartment with. Sooner or later, I’ll beat all the ho ho ho’s out of him, and Saint Big Nick Energy is going to tell me which of his little gremlins did the porking.

From there it’s as simple as snuffing the big man, absorbing his power like Tim Allen in The Santa Clause, flying to the North Pole with my caribou captives, find the wee man who did this to me, and enact my yuletide vengeance. The last thing he hears before I pull the trigger will be, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night, bitch!”

On Dasher, on Prancer, on vengeance.

Impeachment Begins With 3 Days of Pelosi and Trump Charging Their Energy

Posted on December 19, 2019 by Tyler Simpson

WASHINGTON — Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi and President Donald Trump began the impeachment process this week by standing in place, slowly charging up their energy for 3 days to prepare for the ensuing battle.

“Unnnnnnnnnnnngh,” Pelosi grunted as a yellow, fire-like glow began to emanate around her body just moments into the process that would continue for 72 uninterrupted minutes in the Senate chamber.

“Grrrruuuuhhhhhh,” Trump responded, staring unflinchingly at his opponent from across the chamber floor while a blue light formed an outline around his body what reached a deep, potent hue roughly 20 minutes later.

Spectators watched as the two politicians slowly sucked the chi from the air around them, causing their muscles to bulge and veins to pop. At one point, Speaker Pelosi’s hair turned spikey and blonde, which caused a giant sweat drop to form on the President’s forehead, in keeping with centuries of legislative precedent. Lawmakers eagerly watched the process.

“It’s going to be an all out, knock down, drag out brawl once these two reach their final forms,” Senator Ted Cruz said as he checked his watch. “It shouldn’t be much longer now. 30 hours or so. 40 tops.”

The two continued to gather strength as onlookers began to lose interest and file out of the building towards the end of the first day.

“Their clothes have gotten completely tattered by their growing muscles and powerful energy auras. We keep thinking they’re almost done because one of them will say ‘I’ve almost reached my final form’ but then the other will say ‘I’ve never seen power levels like this before’ and they keep on charging,” Chuck Schumer said a day and a half in.

“We have so many witnesses, so many documents, and so much deliberation to get through to find out if the President of the United States has committed high crimes and misdemeanors, but we’re just sitting here waiting for these two assholes to finish charging up,” an intern complained while carrying a giant stack of binders. “I really don’t think the payoff is going to be worth all of these histrionics.”

“If you ask me, they’re just eating up as much time as they can because they don’t have enough storylines to fill an entire trial,” said another aide. “At least they’re not making ramen or some other filler nonsense.”

At press time, Pelosi and Trump both reached their final power levels. They then sat down in their respective chairs to begin the proceedings.

Check out the newest episode of the Hard Drive podcast where we watch and discuss every episode of 1989’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show!

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