Press "Enter" to skip to content

Papa Roach Fan Still Alive Weeks After Head Severed

VACAVILLE, Calif. — Local Papa Roach fan Danny Herman scurried out of a Circle K this morning in apparent good health, despite being decapitated in a freak vaping accident two weeks ago, several grossed-out sources confirmed.

“I was hanging out with Danny the day his vape went off like a bomb and took his clean head off,” recalled childhood friend Jordan Breeding. “It was a nightmare — he just started bleeding everywhere. I mean, it was mutilation outta sight: suffocation, no breathing. Luckily we were able to rig a tourniquet out of his JNCOs and sterilize the wound with some leftover hydrogen peroxide he used to frost his tips earlier.”

A representative for the Vacaville Medical Center confirmed that Herman, who was admitted to the hospital two weeks ago with his head completely severed below the goatee, was recently discharged from intensive care.

“Well, it turns out, Papa Roach fans are incredibly resilient — most people I’ve encountered tend to die immediately without their head,” said surgeon Hakan Degirmenci. “I guess that explains why these pests have been around for ages, and can subsist on one stale single or any nü-metal garbage from the ’90s, really. For how long, we just don’t know. I’ve never seen anything like it, and I’m a huge Tool fan.”

Because of the unique DNA required to enjoy the band’s brand of hard rock, the scientific community has been studying unusual Papa Roach phenomena for years.

“Contrary to myth, fans of Papa Roach are highly social creatures and crave human touch,” said Dr. Ashley Nguyen, a professor of entomology at Chico State. “They’re fascinating beings: they can also survive radiation levels that would kill a normal human being. What else? Oh, did you know they hate the smell of peppermint? And they lay eggs. Like, loads of them.”

“As for how long a Papa Roach fan can survive without a head? I mean, we could be talking months under the right laboratory conditions,” Dr. Nguyen added. “But unfortunately, nobody’s funding that bomb-ass research anymore.”

Herman was last sighted being shooed off a decrepit porch by a neighbor whom sources identified as a government-subsidized Korn aficionado.