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Registered Sex Offender Excited, Legally Required to Announce New Tour Dates

DALLAS — Singer-songwriter and registered sex offender Wilfred Barton announcded his first tour dates at a press conference held yesterday afternoon since pleading guilty to sexual assault charges.

“I’m so excited, and judicially mandated, to announce my upcoming tour!” said the 34-year-old “artist” outside of his parole officer’s building. “Tickets are now on sale — all proceeds go to paying my legal fees, and shows are 18+, per court orders. I’m looking forward to finally returning to the road and being released from house arrest. I hope to see many of you there… except those I have to keep 100 feet away from, of course.”

Despite being found guilty of sexual misconduct with minors, Barton still has a dedicated following.

“I believe in second chances and separating the art from the artist, which is why I see no problem in attending the ‘Groupies Get Free Drinks Tour,’” said superfan Silas Santos, who has already purchased tickets for himself and his younger sister. “Wilfred is a millionaire who overcame great adversity after getting caught being a straight-up predator and taking advantage of young fans. It’s really an inspiring underdog story, if you think about it.”

Barton’s manager Benjamin Underhall confided that he struggled arranging the tour with the legal and safety concerns.

“This whole experience has been extremely difficult,” Underhall explained. “It’s been a logistical nightmare keeping track of state-by-state legal restrictions for sex offenders, finding venues that are far enough away from schools and playgrounds, and tracking down 19-year-olds who look 16 and whose parents don’t watch the news.”

“More than anything, this whole ordeal is unfair,” he added. “Everyone I represent in the music industry has targeted underage fans, and Wilfred is the only one who was actually held responsible for his actions. It’s an outrage that he should have to suffer any inconveniences for his actions.”

At press time, Underhall was seen backing out of his secretary’s office and silently mouthing, “I’m not here” after recognizing the number of a well-known death metal band.