MINNEAPOLIS — Local indie band C4 and a Chocolate Bar severely overestimated their show attendance and audience’s wants last night by offering free EPs to the first 50 fans, and are now unsure what to do with a box of 47 limited edition EPs.
“When it comes to the number of people at your shows, it’s not about quantity, but quality… and the three people at our show yesterday were of very shitty quality. With them as our only fans, why did we ever think we’d need 50 EPs?” said guitarist Tim Sharp. “I did some math, and if our show attendance remains consistent, we’ll have to play another 15.667 shows to get rid of these EPs. You don’t want to know how many shows we’ll need to play to get rid of these 750 promotional pop sockets.”
Turf Club bartender Em Scappichio has seen many local bands try and fail to give away free merch.
“These situations almost always end with some combination of hurt feelings, fistfights, and vinyl sleeve corners damaging somebody’s cornea,” said Scappichio. “On this particular night, it’d be generous to even say those who got the EP wanted it for the music: one recipient was clearly planning to hold it over his head since it was raining that night; the other one was the bassist’s mom. And the last one? Apparently they clogged the toilet of the Chinese restaurant next door trying to flush their copy. We’re sure as hell not paying that plumber bill.”
With dozens of boxes now overtaking their home, drummer Scott Mendenko has begun finding alternative uses for the band’s undesirable merch.
“I will say this: what we lack in fans, we more than make up for with our ability to recycle and reuse band shit,” said Mendenko. “The last time this happened, we melted a bunch of the EPs and formed them into cereal bowls — they leak a bit from the hole in the middle, but otherwise work great. And we won’t need to buy duct tape for years, thanks to our thousands of stickers. It’s almost like it’s a good thing everyone hates our music.”
At press time, C4 and a Chocolate Bar has gone back to the drawing board after their local goodwill store refused another donation of hundreds of their band’s T-shirts.