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Gender-Neutral Gingerbread Cookies Are Unacceptable Because I Need to Know How I Feel About Cookies, Sexually

It seems as though every year, we lose more and more of what the Christmas spirit is supposed to be about. We have to say “Happy Holidays,” we cancel Christmas carols that people claim are too offensive, and the corporations that own the season aren’t nearly as good as the corporations that used to own it.

I’ve looked past all that for the longest time, but I’m putting my foot down this year. We have officially gone too far. This new trend of turning gingerbread men into “gender-neutral gingerbread people” is unacceptable. What is the meaning of Christmas if I cannot have explicit, deeply sexual feelings towards cookies?

Things are just getting so confusing so quickly! It used to be so simple. White chocolate macadamia? Sexy. Oatmeal raisin? Ugo. But things have gotten so out of hand that gingerbread men are the last cookies I am positive should be giving me an erection. Don’t take them away!

Don’t you people remember how wonderful Christmas used to be? A crackling fireplace? Stockings hung by the chimney with care? Trays of fresh-baked gingerbread men that would awaken something deep within your perverted subconscious and make you harder than you ever thought possible? Wreaths?

Why are we so quick to throw out traditions nowadays? For as long as I can remember my favorite part of the holiday season has been sneaking an extra gingerbread man into my bedroom and bursting into tears while I wrestle with the powerful and confusing feelings that overwhelm my animalistic id. I, and I assume I’m not alone in this, refuse to give that up.

To be clear, I have no ill will towards gender-neutral people. My coworker’s daughter recently cut her hair short, so I get it. People should feel free to explore their gender identity however they choose. But please, God, just let me have this.

Would gender-neutral gingerbread people lead me down a path of exploring my sexual attraction beyond the limited realm of the binary? I don’t know, and to be frank, I don’t want to know. I’m just a man who is content to be attracted to the cookies society has told me I am supposed to be attracted to, is that so wrong?