Press "Enter" to skip to content

Youngest of Six Still Eats with Arm Around Plate Like Hardened Prisoner

PHILADELPHIA — Local man Eric Sullivan still eats with his arm around his plate like a hardened, PTSD-suffering prisoner after growing up as the youngest of six in a loud, often violent, three-bedroom row home with “a bunch of goddamn maniacs,” sources who think he needs to “grow up” confirmed.

“After serving a 20-year sentence in that house, it’s been really hard for me to adjust to life on the outside,” said Sullivan. “Living like that for so long — sharing a bedroom with three shithead brothers, fighting for every scrap of bread and Dunkaroo cookie — it just numbs you. I mean, I’m an adult man, and I still flinch sometimes thinking someone is about to randomly drop a Stone Cold Stunner on me.”

Sullivan’s live-in girlfriend Melissa Ellsworth admitted she was initially shocked by his paranoid behavior.

“I first noticed it with the way he eats: even at nice restaurants, Eric will guard his food as servers walk by… as if they might steal a roasted potato right off his plate,” said Ellsworth. “The other day I was watching Eric play Playstation, and every five minutes, he’d jump up and get in a fighting position. Apparently, he’s not used to being able to play a video game without someone trying to steal the controller or fart in his face. So I recommended he get help.”

Jon Darby, who runs a support group for ex-cons, was skeptical about letting Sullivan join their meetings until he heard the stories of Sullivan’s upbringing.

“I was uncomfortable letting someone who’s never been to prison in the group, but this kid has been through some shit: after Eric talked, everyone in the room had a tear in their eye. Some of our group members even had to leave the room, the stories were so brutal,” said Darby. “I certainly don’t envy a person who wakes up screaming most nights because he thinks someone’s about to smash his LEGO creations. And never seeing the ‘Ninja Turtles’ on Saturday morning, because your sisters are watching ‘Spice World’ for the 75th week in a row? Hell, even prisoners get TV time.”

At press time, Sullivan was allegedly caught carving his toothbrush into a shiv before heading home for the holidays.