Press "Enter" to skip to content

Ungrateful Make-A-Wish Kid Doesn’t Even Smile for Photo with John Cena

DAYTON, Ohio — Terminally ill child Marcus Walsh received a visit from WWE legend John Cena this week, but couldn’t be bothered to smile or show any gratitude for the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, disgusted sources confirmed.

“Mr. Cena took time out of his busy schedule to come here and let this kid touch his biceps, and that pale little shit couldn’t even smile for a few photos. What a fucking prick,” said Carolyn DeRosa, an organizer for Make-A-Wish. “Get off your high horse, kid. If we’d known he was going to be such a stiff, we would’ve sent him Roman Reigns and called it a day.”

The visit, which millions of perfectly healthy kids would surely appreciate, didn’t seem to mean much to Walsh, whose pouty face and smug attitude towards meeting a celebrity cast a dark shadow over the event.

“I don’t know what this kid’s fucking problem is,” said an exasperated Maureen Walsh, Marcus’ mother. “He used to make a mess doing five knuckle shuffles in the living room, but now that John’s actually here, he won’t even open his eyes, and just keeps complaining about how much his stomach hurts. I told him to quit being a ‘little whiny diaper boy’ and show some respect, but the little drama queen just started coughing up blood.”

The Walsh’s backyard was decorated with streamers and a replica WWE ring for Cena’s visit, but none of it was put to use, thanks to the sick boy’s bad attitude.

 

“I’ve done thousands of these things, and this is the first time I’ve truly hated a dying child. Back when I was a kid, it didn’t matter if you had cancer or not: when you met an adult, you smiled and shook their hand,” said Cena from the Walsh family garage, after he did a set of 100 push ups to burn off steam. “You can bet your ass he’s not getting this VIP ticket to the premiere of ‘Fast and Furious 9.’”

At press time, the Walsh family reported their son had taken a turn for the worse, and was spending some time with the undertaker.

Shop The Hard Times Webstore Relaunch

Want to support Hard Times? Buy a shirt. We’ll use the money to write more articles.