Opinion: Fuck Birds

Posted on by John Danek

Some people climb rocks for fun. Others pass time crafting needlepoint creations. Still, others like to observe birds.

This last group is a bunch of morons. Why? Because birds fucking suck.

They’re loud, they’re filthy, and occasionally they shit on your head. Why do they get a pass? I’m so tired of people making excuses like “C’mon man, they have tiny brains.” So does everyone in the band Trapt, yet I don’t want to punch them quite as bad as I do birds.

What I wouldn’t give to be able to climb a tree and shit directly into a bird’s nest to avenge my 2011 Mazda3. Park under a tree for 2 hours and you come back to a scene from a John Waters movie. How is this ok?

People think parrots are cool because they can recite phrases. Well, I found a video of a cat saying “I love you”. So, until I see a parrot pull off some dope lighter tricks, color me unimpressed.

Let’s role-play for a minute: I’ll lay in bed at 6 am. You sit outside my bedroom window and scream loudly about how horny you are. Guess what? I’m gonna kick your ass. And you would totally understand why. So why does everyone condone it when these little shits do it? I can’t stress enough how lucky birds are that I can’t climb trees.

The goth poser of the bird world is certainly the raven. They’re no different from crows, yet they want everyone to think you are.

Pigeons? I would sooner snort Post Malone’s beard trimmings than touch one of those nasty floating hepatitis C factories.

Don’t even get me started on seagulls. Compared to those squawking hobo trash eaters, Fran Drescher sounds like Adele.

And when did people suddenly start getting hard-ons for penguins? They’re just overdressed, obese birds who can’t do the one cool bird trick of flying. I bet if you were on a road trip with a penguin, it would ask to put the AC on even though it’s like 42℉ outside.

I don’t even like people named Bird! Larry Bird, Big Bird, they can all get fucked! Fucking Birds. Dumb.

CDC Retroactively Bans Groups of 10 or More Bikini-Clad Women in Same ’80s Metal Video

Posted on by Henrik Persson

ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention introduced new guidelines today to help quell the spread of COVID-19 by retroactively banning groups of 10 or more bikini-clad women in the same 1980s metal music video, bummed-out rockers confirm.

“We understand there’s a crisis, and we want to be good citizens. But this is absurd: our videos were shot 30-plus years ago. Herpes, maybe… but I’m pretty sure none of those girls had coronavirus,” said Dave Meniketti, singer and lead guitarist for Y&T, whose most popular video will be affected by the ban. “If we have to edit out the bikini chicks in ‘Summertime Girls,’ all that’ll be left is four dudes trying our best to lip sync and not get sunburned. The whole video will be shorter than that stupid ad for Fiverr… and that’s assuming you skip after five seconds.”

The CDC understands the ban will be tough on most 80s metal bands, but deemed it necessary to help flatten the curve of infection.

“We recognize that metal videos with hot girls are important to the American way of life. But the last thing we need right now is tongue-in-cheek entertainment encouraging half-naked women to gather on beaches in Florida or California,” said CDC spokesperson Thomas Laine. “We also want to discourage any ’80s rock videos promoting microphone sharing: if you’re forced to share a mic, please stand back-to-back and wear a face mask. A good example of best practices is Slayer’s ‘Seasons in the Abyss’ video, where those guys are rocking out by the pyramids. That’s much safer.”

Well-known metal scientist Harry “Shock” Bloch claimed the ban might have some effect, but that it’s unfairly targeting bands from certain genres.

“They’re not being consistent. Take Anthrax’s classic cut ‘Madhouse,’” said Bloch. “Five young guys rocking out in a mental institution… with the patients! Never mind possibly poking someone’s eye out with a Jackson headstock, most of those people are vulnerable to infections. Yet that video isn’t affected. It’s not fair.”

At press time, the CDC is now also pushing for a ban on surprise birthday parties in sitcoms, as well as house parties in ’90s coming-of-age movies.

How to Tell If Your Children Are Watching Dubs Instead of Subs

Posted on by Jacob Getz

With thousands of kids stuck at home during the pandemic, many parents have discovered a disturbing trend in their children’s binge-watching habits. Many impressionable children have been discovered watching anime in English instead of Japanese. In a shocking new statistic from Pew Research Center, nearly 74% of parents with children under the age of 18 admitted to catching their offspring not watching with subtitles.

Has your child fallen prey to dubs? Be on the lookout for these warning signs:

Ability to ‘Watch’ Anime While Gaming

Everyone knows that when it comes to video games and subtitled anime, never the twain should meet. But, if your kids are listening to a dub, it means not only that their eyes are free to keep playing Fortnite, but also that they are missing out on the amazing animation. If you think you hear anime sounds and see a video game being played, it’s worth investigating.

Behind on Critical Plot Points Because the Dub Isn’t Out Yet

The introduction of simulcasts has made this sign a bit trickier to notice, but many shows still have a one-week delay for dubs. We recommend surprising your kids with a spoiler-filled pop quiz each week to make sure they’re current. If they’re not, dubs are likely to blame.

Slow Reading Speed

It’s a scientific fact that reading subs makes you smarter. That’s why so many true anime fans are as successful as they are. Try timing your child’s reading speed. If they aren’t averaging at least 400 words per minute, they may be a real idiot. They also may be using dubs.

Remember: Take the Issue Seriously

While some parents are ignorant enough to believe dubs are “harmless” or just “kids being kids,” the evidence is overwhelming: dubs are not safe, and if allowed to spread, they will cause lasting harm to society as a whole. Parents affected by this disgusting trend had this to say:

“It was excusable for Dragon Ball Z, but I won’t let him ruin his life (and Evangelion) like that. He still doesn’t know the words to Cha-La Head-Cha-La.” — Pat Gibbins, Mass.

“I didn’t want to believe it at first, but I knew it was true when I asked him if he wanted to watch Beastars and he called it ‘that Netflix show.’ I broke down crying right there in the kitchen.” — Debbie Hatchback, La.

If you believe your child has been experimenting with dubs, take swift action before it’s too late. These horror stories could happen to you.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Woman Matures From Being Ghosted by Morrissey Fans to Being Ghosted by Radiohead Fans

Posted on by Kaitlyn Jeffers

BURBANK, Calif. — Local punk Janine Kirkwood achieved a personal milestone this month when she finally stopped being ghosted by Morrissey fans and instead is now ghosted by Radiohead fans, Kirkwood herself confirmed.

“My mom told me once I turned 30 things would change, and I don’t think I could’ve anticipated how right she was,” Kirkwood reported. “I feel like the timing was perfect — I turn 30, Morrissey becomes a right-wing fascist and I get into Radiohead, and the men in my life going through the same crushing disappointment never return my calls. What kismet!”

According to Kirkwood’s 25-year-old roommate Kenzie Janssen, the coping mechanisms Kirkwood relies on when ghosted now are vastly different than they were just a couple of years ago.

“When Zeke finally disappeared after stringing her along with some ‘Sorry, I forgot to hit send’ messages, there were always PBR cans all over the kitchen and ‘Alive’ playing nonstop,” Janssen said. “Now that Tyler, a die-hard Radiohead fan, is ghosting her, she’s handling the whole thing way better. Instead of just moping around all depressed, she’ll clean the bathroom and propagate houseplants. She keeps insisting we go hiking and axe-throwing someday, and wants to check Burning Man this year. She’s like a whole new woman!”

According to Harvard’s leading fuckboi expert Dr. Julia Stein-McColgan, it is not uncommon for women to graduate from being ghosted by Morrissey fans to Radiohead fans as they approach middle age.

“My research focuses specifically on Millennials born between 1985 and 1990, the peak birth years for persons who were into ‘whiny emo sadbois’ around 2001,” Stein-McColgan says. “Our studies showed that financial status was the largest determining factor in graduating from Morrissey dipshits to Radiohead douches: someone who can afford a one-bedroom apartment is more likely to be a ‘hardcore Radiohead-loving ghoster fuckboi’ as opposed to a ‘broke but really hot Morrissey-loving skater’ who most likely rents a section of the kitchen in an apartment with five or more friends.”

“In all studies, we found that both types of ghoster were really good at oral, and the subjects reported disappointment that the men cannot get their shit together,” she added.

Attempts to reach both ghosting exes have been left on read.

So-Called Resident Doesn’t Even Have DIY Recipes to Offer

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — Local apartment resident Milo, a 4-year old house cat, reportedly has no DIY recipes to offer his roommates, frustrated sources confirmed.

“I just started playing Animal Crossing and I’m pissed off. This guy’s been coasting through life in our apartment for four years — laying around sleeping all day, letting us clean up his shit — and I had no idea he was supposed to be handing out DIY recipes,” said roommate Jon Flores. “I see what cats are supposed to do, now! Why hasn’t this fucker given me the instructions to make my own bidet?! Hell, I’ll even take those weird jail cells!”

According to those familiar with the situation, Milo shows little understanding of how he’s supposed to function as an animal member of his community.

“The only thing resembling his duties as a resident that I have seen Milo perform is that he plants his shits in his litter box. But I don’t know what he expects to happen from that — they’re not going to turn into shit trees,” said Caitlin Flores. “And thank god they don’t! Why would you want to triple your shits with a shit tree?! They don’t even sell for that many bells.”

When asked to comment, Milo simply closed his eyes slowly and rolled into his back, swiping at reporters with his paws if they tried to touch him.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: Hey There Delilah, I Don’t Think I’m Gonna Come Visit You in New York City Actually

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

Hey there Delilah, what’s it like in New York City? I’m a thousand miles away, and honestly, I think it’s gonna stay that way.

I’ve been talking about visiting for a while now but you live in the epicenter of a fatal disease, so I think it’s gonna be a hard pass from me. I would have loved to have gone and done all the New York stuff with you but I just don’t wanna risk getting sick. You understand, right?

We could have gone to whatever dive bar is in your neighborhood that charges like $40 for a well pickleback shot then ordered late night Taco Bell Cantina, but maybe it’s best if we just don’t talk anymore. Like, at all. We don’t fully know how this thing spreads and phones have gotten pretty advanced.

Oh, by the way, remember how I said every simple song I wrote for you would take your breath away? Yeah, so if that happens for real, please call 9-1-1. Seriously, have you been watching Cuomo every night? This thing hasn’t even peaked yet. It must be so insane actually being in New York City right now.

Oh by the way, how are online classes? That must stink that you’re still in school during all this. Did anyone at your dorm catch it yet? Wow, I’m so glad I never stepped foot in that petri dish of an apartment complex. Coronavirus is probably not even the worst disease floating around in there.

Like I said, a thousand miles seems pretty far but honestly, I don’t know if it’s even far enough. Let’s just say, for now, you stay over there and I’ll stay over here, and that’s that, okay?

Oh right, I forgot to ask, how are you?

Show Flyer Used as Face Mask Instinctively Crumpled Up and Thrown to Ground

Posted on by Aidan Sears

SEATTLE — Local musician Shelby Betancourt’s homemade N95 face mask, fashioned out of a flyer for an upcoming show, was destroyed yesterday by a passerby who instinctively wadded it up into a ball and tossed it on the ground, socially distant sources confirm.

“Sure, in retrospect it was rude of me to yank her mask off her face and toss it to the ground,” assailant Rayna Farr said. “But I saw the semi-ironically terrible MS Paint art on the flyer and my instincts took control of me. I’ve had show flyers pushed on me so many times as I try to leave a venue, I had to build a defense mechanism to survive. I was like a martial artist getting threatened… except my martial art is avoiding the fuck out of garbage shows.”

Betancourt reportedly spent five hours fashioning the mask out of the flyer she’d also made for a house show/phone bank hybrid event, which was canceled due to the COVID-19 pandemic. She hadn’t been outside for more than 45 seconds before Farr balled it up.

“Goddammit, I worked hard on that shit, and she crinkled it up without even making eye contact in seconds. She didn’t even hold onto it until she passed a trash can on the corner or anything,” Betancourt said while covering her mouth with an old, stained Foo Fighters t-shirt. “I leave my apartment for the first time in a week, and this is what I have to deal with? Also, the show would’ve ruled. We’re actually going to stream it on Instagram Live tonight if you’re interested.”

DIY community members report aggression towards the musician-made masks have been a reoccurring issue, despite the high demand for N95 masks in hospitals.

“The local emo, punk, and drone communities came together to craft masks for hospitals around the city,” musician-activist Pat Higginson said. “We used old flyers, unsold merch, discarded album cover sketches — you name it. We made 10,000 of them, but couldn’t unload them at any hospital no matter how hard we tried. Some of the nurses just booed us. I mean, what’s that about?”

When asked about denying aid from the music communities, doctors averted their eyes and mumbled something about “not having any change on them.”

Stay safe, stay healthy, let us help.

Click here to go to our merch store where we can convert any t-shirt order into a DIY cloth face mask with elastic ear loops. These are not the n95 face masks our hospitals need, so you won’t be taking from any frontline workers. But because there are so many asymptomatic people spreading the virus, if everyone wore a simple cloth mask like this, there would be less community spread of the virus via the droplets caused by talking, coughing, and sneezing.

These masks are not adequate protection against COVID-19. But they can help your community. Social distancing, good hygiene (like washing hands and sanitizing surfaces), and staying home are the best protection.

Making your own mask out of an old t-shirt is easy. You can see a guide here.

This product is us cutting one of our new t-shirts and converting it into a cloth mask for you, so that you have one that looks cool. If you’d like to build your own here is a design from a recent study published in the medical journal Disaster Medicine and Public Health Preparedness.

Rich Man Has Idea for Documentary About Himself

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Tony Yucker, an entrepreneur, influencer, and heir to the massive Yucker fortune, has added filmmaking to his interests, with a new documentary dedicated exclusively to his humanitarian efforts due to be released soon. 

“I had always wanted to branch out into Hollywood,” said Yucker, the 29 year old son of famed real estate tycoon Anton Yucker. “But I could never quite figure out a way to make sure my output was focused squarely around me and my contributions to the world. Then I saw that six episode Kevin Hart thing on Netflix. That gave me one of my most ingenious ideas of all time: to just do what he did.”

Equipped with nothing but an idea and a multibillion dollar inherited empire, Yucker went straight to work hiring a group of amatuer filmmakers to help his vague vision about himself see the light of day. 

“Yeah, he kept telling me to film him and ask him questions,” said Spike Clavin, a film student at NYU. “But then no matter what I asked him he kept just talking about what kind of person he tries to be and how much he regrets cheating on all of his wives. Then he made me film him and Gwenyth Palrow giving homeless people sack lunches for three hours.”

With the COVID-19 pandemic affecting release plans worldwide, Yucker has stated that perhaps he will consider alternative release methods for the project. 

“It is too bad we can’t get this out in theaters,” he said. “But I think the message of ‘I am a good and interesting person,’ needs to be heard, and that is why I am spending over $20 million of my own personal fortune to airdrop a copy of this film to every person in America that needs it right now. Which is all of them. Trust me. You all have Ultra 4k UHD Blu Ray players, right?”

Yucker has announced that all profits from the completed film, Yucker, will be donated entirely to The Yucker Foundation.

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Study Shows the Most Played Video Game of the Quarantine is ‘Try Not to Cum Challenge’

Posted on by Twitch Plays Hard Drive

NEW YORK — A new study by Columbia University has revealed that the most played video game of the COVID-19 pandemic is the pornographic ‘Try Not to Cum Challenge.’

“For some reason, we’re spending our time doing a study on what the most played video game of the quarantine is instead of, like, helping out with the pandemic,” said Dr. Marsha Pympworth. “Nonetheless, we are completely unsurprised to reveal that the most played game — which I’m pretty sure is just an advertisement you see while browsing PornHub — is the ‘Try Not to Cum Challenge.’”

According to researchers, many of those who have played the game have reportedly grown bored of their normal masturbation schedule amidst their forced work-from-home status.

“People are spending time at home and that means people are jerking off. That’s a scientific fact,” Dr. Pympworth continued. “And once people have run out of things to jerk off to, they start to challenge themselves. Humans have an inherent competitive spirit — and if they can’t get that out from racing on a track, they’re going to get it out from jerking off and trying not to cum. Work from home has been really weird for me, to say the least.”

The team behind the ‘Try Not to Cum Challenge’ has expressed gratitude that fans are running to the game now as an escape from the pandemic.

“People are trying not to cum. And everyone loves a good challenge,” said Steven Carlos, the developer of ‘The Try Not to Cum Challenge.’ “I’m just excited that people are finally checking it out. As an indie game developer, that means the world to me. A lot of people see the Challenge, as I call it, as just some porn thing. Personally, I see it as a soulsborne game. It’s the kind of game where you just have to pick yourself up no matter how many times you fail and try, try again. Plus, it has an incredibly complicated lore.”

“Even though I made the game, I still haven’t beaten it,” Carlos explained. “Well I’ve beaten it, but not the game. I’ve jerked off a lot, is what I mean.”

Researchers tried to contact the lowest score on the leaderboard, but comedian Louis CK was not available for comment.

Coronavirus Episode of “Billy on the Street” Really Depressing

Posted on by Stephen Bell

NEW YORK — Fans of Billy Eichner’s Webby award-winning series “Billy on The Street” report that the latest episode was “really depressing,” with the entire city on lockdown due to the ongoing Coronavirus pandemic.

“The show is entirely dependent on Billy interacting with random New York city tourists, weirdos, and losers. But with the streets virtually empty, Billy had no one to yell questions at except pigeons,” said viewer Aaron Sharpe. “He ran up to a group of the feathered rats and asked whether they thought Chelsea Handler would ever find love. They flew away, of course, and he desperately tried to chuck a balled-up dollar at them. The show used to be like a goofy, fun, sort of demented game show… now it’s like we’re mocking a schizophrenic man, and I feel bad watching.”

“Billy on the Street” producer Doug Brady had similar concerns.

“Our worst fears have come to pass: with no one for him to interact with, it became abundantly clear how insufferable Billy really is,” said Brady. “After finding Times Square empty, we tried hanging around outside a hospital to interview people… but it was mostly hospital workers getting off 12-hour shifts. The last thing they wanted was a jackass waving a dollar in their faces demanding opinions on Kristin Chenoweth.”

Eichner was able to interview one person for the episode, however — sanitation worker John Horn.

“This screaming madman came up to me asking if I wanted to be ‘quizzed in the face,’” said Horn. “Apparently I could win $100 if I answered his subjective questions correctly, but who the fuck asks subjective questions for a game show? Besides, my medical bills could be in the thousands if he gets me sick. I’m not about to risk my health because I had a different opinion about Madonna than him.”

The show will now be renamed “Billy Off The Street,” and will mainly consist of Eichner crying and drinking whiskey alone in his apartment.

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