Colynemery, Author at HARDTIMES

World 1-1 Koopa Claims to be World 3-6 Para-Koopa On Dating App

Posted on April 8, 2020 by Just Lunning

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Continuing the trend of deceitful users of the Mushroom Kingdom’s dominant dating app, Mushd, a love-seeking Goomba named Sandra, 26, recently met up with Michael, 29, a World 1-1 Koopa Troopa who had been posing as a World 3-6 Para-Koopa, disappointed sources confirmed.

“Yeah, he’s got the shell, but where are the wings?” Sandra exclaimed in a review of her date. “I guess it’s not the worst lie I’ve seen on Mushd. One time I met up with a Wiggler who had been pretending to be one of Bowser’s kids. That was really embarrassing.”

Michael responded that the wings in his Mushd profile photo were “just a joke”, something that he tried on at a costume shop.

“I thought it was pretty obvious from the look on my face in that photo that I was being sarcastic about having wings. I mean, I wish I had them, too! I’ve tried using every kind of cream and gel but I can’t grow them by natural means. That doesn’t make me less of a Koopa, though. We all look the same once Mario jumps on us and we’re standing there in our boxers. If you ask me, she’s being shallow if she can’t see past a little white lie.”

Other users have had similarly dishonest experiences on Mushd.

“I was chatting for months with this Toad named Captain,” said Leanne, a 29-year-old Birdo. “We really bonded over the fact that we were both from World 3-6, and stuff like how pretty the local Super Leaves are. He even told me a funny story about getting in trouble for hitting the local P-Block and stealing a bunch of coins.”

When Leanne asked to hang out, she discovered that Captain actually resided in World 8-4. He was just “exploring” World 3-6, so he knew the locale well enough to lie about it.

“World 8-4 is like a 45-minute warp pipe commute,” said Leanne with disgust. “I’m not looking for something long-distance. I’m almost 30 and I’m still single, there are only so many more eggs that I’ll be able to spit out of my mouth. I have to find someone to settle down with, and all of these liars on Mushd are really cramping my style.”

When asked for comment, Captain retorted, “You can just go to World 4-2 and get an express warp pipe to World 8-1. I don’t see the big deal, bring a book or something.”

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How to Use Cyberbullying to Overcome Social Distancing

Posted on April 7, 2020 by Shea Strauss

While isolating during the pandemic, it’s understandable to feel disconnected from other people. TO keep an air of normalcy, we must keep our interpersonal relationships intact. This can be achieved by reaching out to one another with kind words but we must not forget a core element of human interaction: being mean to each other. That’s where cyberbullying comes in. While you are social distancing, cyberbullying is a way to stay connected with foes during these trying times.

Here are several tips to keep your enemies closer while keeping six feet apart.

Face-to-face from Afar – When possible, use FaceTime or Zoom to communicate. It’s important to pick-up on cues like body language or facial expressions to see how well your insults land. Videoconferencing allows you to find more things to comment on, instead of just their words, like their stupid choice of interior decorating, unkempt hair, pajamas, or what they look like without makeup.

“Thinking of You” Messages – Days can run together in quarantine, so simply taking a few minutes out of your day to let someone know why they suck is the perfect opportunity to ruin someone’s day. Send someone a private message with slights that are specific to their insecurities. Let them know that while you are apart, you are grateful for the distance.

Growing Your Community – If you don’t already have someone who consistently causes you to experience blinding rage, you might be surprised at the places where you can find enemies! Look for your next target on local community message boards or make fun of the desperate people who are looking for friendships online.

Reach Out to an Old Rival – Now is a great time to reconnect with that dork from high school who was always raising her hand or that former coworker who chewed with his mouth open. You probably have lots of old material that has been simmering for years. Let them know you’ve been thinking about them. More specifically, let them know you’ve been thinking about how much of a piece of garbage they are.

Group Chats – Try cyberbullying with a group of friends. Nothing unites people like a common enemy! Human connection is of the utmost importance right now and we can use technology to maintain and strengthen the bonds of hatred that hold us together.

Exhausted Cashier Eager to Return to Only Being Treated Like Subhuman Garbage at Work

Posted on April 7, 2020 by Krissy Howard

ST. LOUIS — Exhausted grocery store cashier Adina Decker is anxiously awaiting the day the coronavirus panic-buying subsides and she can go back to just being treated like a “walking piece of shit” at work every day.

“Everything is so crazy now — we’ve got these strict safety measures and non-stop rushes, on top of being belittled by someone’s mom and then ignored by some finance bro who can’t be bothered to stop talking on his phone to tell me if they want paper or plastic,” the 19-year-old part-time worker said. “Hopefully, things can lighten up a little with the toilet paper hoarding. I can’t wait to go back to people threatening to have me fired over a 30 cent coupon that expired nine months ago — I miss the simpler times, where the most tiring part of my job was waiting for someone to write a check.”

Decker is not alone. Many others also hope to go back to just having their efforts at work dismissed while being regarded as invisible by the general public.

“I’m used to keeping distance, thanks to people not wanting to be anywhere near my general vicinity anytime I take the bus to and from work,” said custodial worker Eunie Joh. “But I hope that just busting my ass every time I come to work doesn’t take such a front seat, and there’s still time to feel unfairly judged when these office workers avert their eyes anytime I walk by and only talk to me when someone destroys the microwave with lasagna. I have faith that this will happen soon.”

For his part, Decker’s employer is also feeling the strain.

“We’re all overwhelmed by the toll this pandemic has taken, and look forward to the days ahead when just exploiting our hourly workers is at the top of our list of concerns,” said CEO Ben Marchand. “I understand that constantly re-stocking inventory and facing the public is a lot to take on on top of everything else, so once things calm down, we aim to continue to dehumanize our staff by offering breaks barely long enough for a dog to use the restroom, and hours just short of what might qualify them for health insurance.”

Meanwhile, the CDC encourages everyone to practice social distancing to limit the spread of coronavirus through exposure, hoping for a day when workers asking for a living wage can go back to comments like, “…they shoulda gone to college or something. Sorry, bitch.”

Gamer Spices Up Resume With ‘Spends Hours Daily Solving Puzzles, Cooperating With Teammates, and Clearing Objectives’

Posted on April 7, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local gamer Kayla Stephenson reportedly included various video game skills on a job resume in an attempt to look more professional.

“As long as I don’t tell future employers that my hours spent solving daily puzzles were in Baba Is You, then who’s to say it’s not relevant experience for a data entry temp job?” Stephenson asked of roommates, according to those familiar with the situation. “Every day, I work with teammates to clear objectives and no one needs to know that it’s in Overwatch. I’m constantly tackling new challenges and I think it’s fine if I don’t include that I’m also constantly using ice-beam on new challenges.”

Economists have suggested that upwards of 90% of career accomplishments written in the resumes of those under 35-years-old are actually from video games.

“No one actually does things in their jobs so it actually makes a lot of sense for people to fill them up with their accomplishments in Persona 5 or whatever. Honestly, if I was hiring people, I’d be more impressed with your battle strategies than I would whatever v-lookup you did in Microsoft Excel,” said Dr. Martin Feldman, an economics professor at New York University. “The best resumes out there are always going to be the ones that indicate that the applicant is a healer. Those are the people that offices want to have on their team, just like everybody else.”

“Because at the end of the day,” Dr. Feldman continued, “all these people are just gonna play video games at work while no one’s looking, anyway.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

Opinion: Coronavirus Can’t Melt Steel Beams

Posted on April 7, 2020 by Ted Pillow

Coronavirus can’t melt steel beams, sheeple! Have you got that through your thick skulls yet? It must be hard when your cognitive functioning is fucked by the same childhood vaccinations that turned Michael Jackson white.

Sorry folks, but I don’t swallow every idea spoon-fed to me by the media. While you’re all getting manipulated like pawns on a chessboard by the Illuminati, I’m connecting the dots and exposing the lies. I didn’t listen to my teachers, I don’t follow rules, and I will never fucking wash my hands.

FACT! The moon landing was faked by famous director M. Night Shyamalan. FACT! The Slender Man was in Dallas on November 22nd, 1963. FACT! Chemtrails are real, but My Chemical Romance are posers. FACT! My mom rode professional motocross while she was pregnant with me.

Oops, did I just shatter your entire universe? Sorry, I can’t help it. Once you take that red pill, you can’t go back. And I’ve been taking red pills all damn day, baby. I found a bottle of them in a field while conducting Flat Earther experiments.

The propaganda is worse than ever. “Don’t go outside.” Yeah, sure. “Don’t interact with other people.” Gee, I wonder why? “Don’t leave the country.” Sure thing, Mr. Government Man. “Don’t eat that, it’s just for decoration.” Fuck you, I won’t do what you told me!

Open your goddamn eyes! The coronavirus is just another distraction. Our entire history is a joke. I bet you never even noticed that “Jeffrey Epstein” is an anagram for “Effrey Jepstein”…do the math!

Even if you think you know, you have no idea. This isn’t Conspiracy Theories 101, it’s the master class. “Paul is dead”? Give me a break. Did you even see the end of the movie? If he died, then how exactly did they make “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2”? Do some fucking research.

I better get out of here before the feds knock down the door and get me banned from this Panera again. Stay safe out there and remember, The CIA killed Paul Walker.

Tinder Guy’s 6 Feet of Social Distancing More Like 5 Feet 6 Inches

Posted on April 7, 2020 by Louie Aronowitz

DORAVILLE, Ga. — Local Tinder user Brad Irwin claimed in his dating app bio to keep a minimum six feet between himself and others to prevent the spread of Coronavirus, though outside observers allege he rounded up from only 5’6”.

“It’s definitely the full 6 feet earlier in the day, but you know, sometimes throughout the day it fluctuates,” Irwin admitted, while taking a selfie and leaning awkwardly backwards to create an optical illusion of more social distancing. “It’s close enough, so it’s just easier than saying, ‘5 feet and 11.5,’ or whatever it would be. I don’t know, it’s not like I measure or anything. I’m average, whatever that is. Why do girls care so much anyway?”

Matches on the app initially attracted to Irwin’s conscientiousness about COVID-19 quickly noticed the overstatement.

“He had it as the first line in his bio, but then when we met in real life, it was super obvious he rounded way up. Like, come on man, you’re not even close,” commented Pam Marcus, describing a ‘date’ the two went on where they walked through a park together from a safe distance apart. “I could’ve bought like, 5’7” or even 5’8”, but 6 feet? It’s not even a big deal, I don’t know why he was so weird about it. It’s just a couple inches; just be honest. Though, on the other hand, if I knew he was a sub-6-footer, I obviously would’ve swiped left immediately. Duh.”

Dating expert Jerry Chan offered some general advice to those who find themselves in Irwin’s situation.

“A lot of men are self-conscious about all types of things, especially factors associated with masculinity… but this is usually my first target when working on their dating,” Chan offered. “Not so much fixing the issues; more just hiding them. For instance, bad hair? Take Propecia. Patchy facial hair? Shave. Less than six feet of social distancing? Talk a little quieter than normal, or wear an extra layer of clothes under your outfit. There are tons of tricks for this stuff.”

At press time, Irwin was experiencing a role reversal upon discovering his latest match also lied about her social distancing, claiming 5’4” when it was actually well over 6 feet.

Study Shows Average Anime High School Student Needs 9 Seasons to Graduate

Posted on April 7, 2020 by Rachel Clayton

KYOTO, Japan — A troubling new study from the University of Hidari Wakibara has found that it takes a typical anime student at least nine seasons to graduate high school.

“Though the average live action student can manage a graduation in four seasons or less, anime students take much longer due to added curriculum like festivals, duels, and mysterious disappearances,” explained researcher Keiko Asui.

Takeshi Tokunaga, a teacher at a prestigious local academy, confirmed that traditional schoolwork was only a small part of his lesson plans.

“Algebra? I can easily teach that during a main character’s flashback. But that’s not going to help my students in the real world,” Tokunaga declared, wielding a ruler like a sword. “A three-day battle in the woods against adult villains that results in life-threatening injuries and sustained emotional trauma? Now that’s going to teach them discipline, problem solving, and work-life balance.”

In addition to participating in extensive battles and casual rescue missions, students of the average anime academy are also required to go through a minimum of 3.5 emotional arcs before receiving their diploma.

“Even though I reconciled with my distant father, developed an unrequited crush, and came to terms with the discontinuation of my favorite snack food, I was still at the bottom of my class in terms of generating compelling-yet-irrelevant plot lines,” said junior Shiori Hayasaka. “So I started a fight with my best friend from childhood, and now I’m on track to graduate with top marks!” Hayasaka and her friend say they have no plans to rekindle their friendship unless academically required by a spin-off series.

Another graduation requirement that many students struggle to complete over nine seasons is garnering enough screen time for the audience to actually care when they finish school.

“Some side characters who only had a few lines of dialogue in the hot springs episode are far below their minimum screen time requirements for graduation,” stated the school’s principal, Soshiro Itagaki. “They’ll have to appear in a bottle episode or at least fight a robobeast if they don’t want to be held back.”

Researchers remain unconcerned about the amount of episodes a student must live through to gain a diploma. “A season could span one semester or two years or even just one drawn-out duel,” said Tokunaga. “After nine seasons of inconsistent timelines, it all evens out.”

Listen to the newest episode of our podcast, The Ace Watkins Presidential Hour:

10 Minute Show Format Makes “Quibi & Chill” the Hot New Trend Among Premature Ejaculators

Posted on April 6, 2020 by Daniel Menegaz

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Short-form mobile video platform Quibi has proven exceedingly popular among premature ejaculators thanks to its 10-minute show format, performance anxiety-ridden sources confirmed.

“Our social media tracking indicates the phrase ‘Quibi and chill’ has been used 1.5 million times by presumably ‘excitable’ men aged 18 to 34,” said Quibi senior data analyst Melissa Wylde as she submitted the euphemism to UrbanDictionary. “I don’t know if I should be telling you this, but most of our executives suffer from premature ejaculation. I’m nearly certain Quibi and it’s ‘quick bites’ format as a whole was conceived by a bunch of one-pump chumps with low self-esteem, a vendetta against Netflix, and more money than they knew what to do with.”

Quibi early adopter and premature ejaculator Anthony de la Vega experienced a significant boost in self esteem after routinely “getting his fuck on” to Quibi instead of Netflix.

“My girlfriend and I started having sex like, nine minutes into the pilot of ‘Most Dangerous Game,’ and I came barely a minute after that. At first, I was like, ‘Oh no, not again!’ But then checked my phone and saw that the episode was over… and holy shit, was it a relief to know I wasn’t going to have to awkwardly sit through another 45 minutes of ‘Altered Carbon’ or some other insanely long Netflix show,” said de la Vega. “I immediately cancelled my Netflix subscription, because frankly, shows like ‘The Crown’ and ‘Mindhunter’ set very unrealistic expectations for men. I will only ever ‘Quibi and Chill’ from now on.”

A study from the American Urological Association suggests that Quibi may actually be helping to destigmatize premature ejaculation.

“Unfortunately, TV shows that popularized the hour-long format, such as ‘The Sopranos,’ have had a devastating effect on the average American man’s sexual prowess,” said urologist Dr. Bailey Norton. “It was hard enough in the ’90s to have intercourse abruptly end even before the third act of ‘Dharma & Greg.’ But hopefully the recent launch of Quibi will help in rebuilding male sexual confidence.”

At press time, Quibi’s subscriptions among men with functional penises remained at a cool 0 percent.

Guy Scratches “Call Grandma” Off of To-Do List

Posted on April 6, 2020 by Jimmy Adamson

AVENTURA, Fla. — Local man Benjamin Eads tearfully crossed off “call Grandma” from his to-do list today after the COVID-19 pandemic took care of the task for him, currently quarantined sources confirmed.

“I’d been avoiding it for so long, and I sort of just thought this whole outbreak was a big joke. Every day I’d look at my to-do list and say to myself, ‘Tomorrow is fine, she always goes to bingo on Tuesdays and I don’t want to disturb her,’” explained the 39-year-old who up until yesterday continued going to his local bar to hang out with friends. “I really wish I called her five days ago and told her to wear a mask and wash her hands a lot. I know she watches a lot of Fox News, and Lord knows what they’d been filling her brain with.”

Benjamin’s mother, Denise, had been begging her lazy son to call his Grandma.

“I told that dummy every time I saw him, ‘You’d better call Grandma, she’s not gonna be around forever.’ Now I’m not even sure if he will be one of the 10 people we can legally have at her funeral,” she explained from the front porch of her single family home. “His brother, James, called my mother every week and I’m a little bitter he never gave her instructions on how to stay safe. I’m realizing both my sons might be pieces of shit.”

A local medical professional had some advice for procrastinators who have been putting off calling their loved ones.

“Do it. Right now. As soon as you’re done reading this. Don’t text — pick up the phone and call them. Call your loved ones,” pleaded local hospice nurse Keri Jappell, while pushing a covered stretcher to the back alley of the hospital. “People are dropping like flies. Tomorrow, or even later today, might be too late. Stop treating this like it’s all media hype — it’s not. Otherwise healthy people are dying and soon we might have to start turning people away.”

At press time, Eads had yet to scratch the other things off his to-do list, which included “Buy hand sanitizer” and “Quit vaping.”

Man Shocked to Discover Girlfriend Entirely CGI After Watching VFX Breakdown

Posted on April 6, 2020 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

FORT WAYNE, Ind. — Local boyfriend Steven Owen was shocked to discover that his girlfriend of three years was entirely CGI after watching a visual effects breakdown of his life on YouTube.

“It was like when you watch those videos about Avengers: Endgame and learn that the entire movie was filmed in front of a green screen, except it was my girlfriend who I say ‘I love you’ to every night when we go to bed,” Owen explained. “The video showed a clip of me and Theresa eating breakfast and then it paused and stripped away bit after bit until it revealed that I was sitting alone in an entirely green environment, eating air from a green cereal bowl. It was incredibly heartbreaking, but also kind of cool.”

According to the VFX team behind Owen’s girlfriend, CineLove Studios, the Theresa project has been a major creative success.

“We’re really proud of what we’ve been able to accomplish with Theresa and how we’ve been able to push that technology,” said VFX supervisor Jen Simmons. “To the untrained eye, Theresa looks and acts exactly like a real girlfriend would — save for the fact that she’s dating Steven Owen. The best visual effects are the ones that the audience doesn’t even notice. That’s how we know we did our job.”

As of press time, Owen came under fire after ending his relationship with his CGI girlfriend and, as a result, laid off the entire CineLove Studios team of animators.

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