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10 Minute Show Format Makes “Quibi & Chill” the Hot New Trend Among Premature Ejaculators

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Short-form mobile video platform Quibi has proven exceedingly popular among premature ejaculators thanks to its 10-minute show format, performance anxiety-ridden sources confirmed.

“Our social media tracking indicates the phrase ‘Quibi and chill’ has been used 1.5 million times by presumably ‘excitable’ men aged 18 to 34,” said Quibi senior data analyst Melissa Wylde as she submitted the euphemism to UrbanDictionary. “I don’t know if I should be telling you this, but most of our executives suffer from premature ejaculation. I’m nearly certain Quibi and it’s ‘quick bites’ format as a whole was conceived by a bunch of one-pump chumps with low self-esteem, a vendetta against Netflix, and more money than they knew what to do with.”

Quibi early adopter and premature ejaculator Anthony de la Vega experienced a significant boost in self esteem after routinely “getting his fuck on” to Quibi instead of Netflix.

“My girlfriend and I started having sex like, nine minutes into the pilot of ‘Most Dangerous Game,’ and I came barely a minute after that. At first, I was like, ‘Oh no, not again!’ But then checked my phone and saw that the episode was over… and holy shit, was it a relief to know I wasn’t going to have to awkwardly sit through another 45 minutes of ‘Altered Carbon’ or some other insanely long Netflix show,” said de la Vega. “I immediately cancelled my Netflix subscription, because frankly, shows like ‘The Crown’ and ‘Mindhunter’ set very unrealistic expectations for men. I will only ever ‘Quibi and Chill’ from now on.”

A study from the American Urological Association suggests that Quibi may actually be helping to destigmatize premature ejaculation.

“Unfortunately, TV shows that popularized the hour-long format, such as ‘The Sopranos,’ have had a devastating effect on the average American man’s sexual prowess,” said urologist Dr. Bailey Norton. “It was hard enough in the ’90s to have intercourse abruptly end even before the third act of ‘Dharma & Greg.’ But hopefully the recent launch of Quibi will help in rebuilding male sexual confidence.”

At press time, Quibi’s subscriptions among men with functional penises remained at a cool 0 percent.