Classically Trained Theremin Player Sells Out For Haunted House Gig

Posted on by Jeff Cardello

CINCINNATI — Ophelia Kingsley, an esteemed thereminist who has been a featured guest player with the London Symphony, Orchestre de Paris, and the Los Angeles Philharmonic, recently took a job at Screamz Manor to help pay her bills.

“I’ve performed pieces like Camille Saint-Saëns’ ‘The Swan’ for audiences in the most beautiful concert halls across the world. Now, I get to play for a bunch of bored teenagers in what was once a Blockbuster Video in a failing strip mall,” said Kingsley. “I could either take this job or start learning a more lucrative instrument. Bassoon players, accordionists…. even lowly triangle players pull in more annually than me.”

Buzz Eastman, a self-described “serial entrepreneur” who launched Screamz Manor, says the project is the culmination of his creative vision and love of money.

“This ain’t your mommy and daddy’s haunted house. We got Draculas, we got gorillas, heck we even have both Freddies and Jasons,” said Eastman while counting a stack of single dollar bills. “There’s also a fancy lady who doesn’t look like she wants to be there waving her hands over a television antenna making spooky sounds to scare the bejeezus out of you. I went ahead and hired this woman who plays some sorta crazy instrument that sounds right out of a B-movie. Her sound effects are bringing a whole ‘nother level of ‘creepy’ to the gig!”

Classical music critic Agatha Pemberton commented on Kingsley’s performance in the Manor’s penultimate fright night.

“While it was difficult to hear over the laughter of people responding to the actors stumbling around unable to see through their ill-fitting monster masks, Kingsley’s ethereal playing filled the space with beauty, which would otherwise be a dark void lacking any sense of art or trace of human intellect,” said Pemberton while adjusting her opera glasses. “Perhaps next year she will finally play in one of these establishments that is worth her pedigree, such as Halloween Horror Nights on the West Coast. Anywhere else is, frankly, a waste.”

As of press time, Kingsley’s act of selling out and loss of dignity has brought in extra income that has made it possible for her to pay off .001% of the interest on the student loan she took out to study classical music at the Berklee College of Music.

Real Life Body Horror? This Guy Turned 40

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Our own vanity plays a huge part in making the “body horror” genre of movies so terrifying. One day you’re walking around in your mid-20’s in the prime of your life, and the next thing you know flesh-eating bacteria is melting your face off or hair starts growing out of your eyeballs.

Such is the case of Josh Albertson. Maybe it’s not exactly like the movies but for all intents and purposes he’s become a grotesque caricature of himself, because as of today he’s been alive for exactly 40 years.

“I didn’t even notice until my nephew asked me what the 1900’s were like. Then the changes came all at once. Like head splitting bouts of tinnitus, acute heartburn that felt like something was going to bust out of my chest, and all the like. It wasn’t until I woke up with hemorrhoids this morning that I realized we’d have to change my birthday dinner from Mexican food to something bland.”

Has he tampered in God’s domain with all the supplements and vitamins he’s taken over the years, or did he take his youth for granted and is now trapped inside the prison that is rapidly collapsing health? Surely humans were not meant to exist this long. Somebody get David Cronenberg on the phone!

This poor bastard must’ve made a wish on a monkey’s paw or pissed off a witch in his youth, judging by the way his body is collapsing almost to the minute he exited the womb four decades prior. Either that or male pattern baldness skipped a generation and he’s getting the shit end of the genetic lottery.

“Last month I went to a house show and I swear I only had two beers and hung out in the back of the crowd. I woke up the next day and felt like I’d been in a car accident. What the hell is happening to me? I feel like I’m living out the plot of ‘Thinner’.”

If this is 40, we shudder to think what’s in store for next year. At this rate he’s one violent sneeze away from evacuating his central nervous system through his nasal cavity, that is if he doesn’t pull every muscle in his back blowing out the birthday candles first.

While there’s no telling how much time Josh has left until he starts looking, one thing is certain: his insurance isn’t covering any of this shit.

Self-Conscious Metalhead Nervous After Finding Peter Steele Issue of Playgirl Under Girlfriend’s Mattress

Posted on by Robert Butler

NEW YORK — Local metalhead Noel Donner is feeling nervous about the longevity of his relationship after finding the Peter Steele issue of Playgirl hidden underneath his girlfriend’s mattress, multiple sources confirmed.

“To be honest, this kinda stings. I was under the impression she was into scrawny, balding, bearded guys who are under six feet tall,” said a visibly dejected Donner. “But turns out, I’m the complete opposite of her type. I didn’t suspect she was really into dudes who look as if they were chiseled from stone and obnoxiously dripping sex appeal. If this is what she’s envisioning every time she closes her eyes during sex, it’s only a matter of time before it’s all over for me.”

Since the incident, Donner began wearing nail polish and combat boots in what his girlfriend Debbie Collins claims to be a “desperate effort.”

“I think this really hit him right in the confidence,” explained an exasperated Collins. “It certainly didn’t help when I told him it was hung on the ceiling over my bed before we met. He also didn’t seem to appreciate the lipstick stains near Peter’s crotch, he even stopped counting them. I also really hope he never jokingly asks me if I’ve named my vibrator, because the answer would just destroy him. Regardless, I’m really hoping he gets over this soon, because fishnet shirts are not a great look for him.”

Metalheads inquiring about surgical procedures to look like the Type O Negative frontman are common, according to plastic surgeon John Peterson.

“In my 30 years of practicing, there’s been a steady line of younger men asking me if I can make them look like Peter Steele. And I’ve only ever had one answer, and that is no,” said Peterson. “I can’t add more vertebrae to your spine to make you taller. No, I can’t extend your shoulders and make them broad as a forklift. And no, I can’t make your voice sound as deep, smooth and rich as his. The technology isn’t there yet. The only recommendation I have is adding more black to your wardrobe, wearing a large dog chain for a guitar strap, and making an effort to exclusively look pissed off. I’m just a surgeon, not a miracle maker. Some art just can’t be replicated.”

At press time, the couple agreed to return the 1995 Playgirl back to where it belongs: on the ceiling above the bed so it’s the first thing they see when they open their eyes in the morning.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Trying To Pretend Anything Is Spookier Than Real Life

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Well folks, it’s been another week filled with rapidly decreasing sunlight and gross moldy leaves that remind you of your own fleeting mortality. Nobody likes a downer, though, so it’s time to focus on the treasures that life sometimes has to offer, namely new music. To get you out of your fall funk, we’ve hand selected six tracks that are sure to make you forget that the sun sets the minute you get out of work. They might not fix your nocturnal dread spiral, but they’re sure to make you feel like you have some company for a change. Here goes.

Amyl and The Sniffers ‘Jerkin’’

Good fucking god, it’s about time we got a new album from Aussie punk quartet Amyl and The Sniffers. Their highly anticipated third album, ‘Cartoon Darkness’ dropped this Friday and it’s a certified doozy. From the opening track ‘Jerkin’’ to the ripping closer ‘Me and the Girls,’ there is hardly a second of downtime, further cementing the band as one of the best of the genre. Perhaps nothing will truly save rock and roll, but this is a good start.

Katie Gavin ‘As Good As It Gets feat. Mitski’

Just in time for your regular depression to turn into seasonal depression, Katie Gavin of Muna released her excellent debut solo album ‘What A Relief.’ Though it may be more stripped back than the dancier stylings of her band, it’s still full of Gavin’s penchant for catchy lyricism and pop sensibility. As if the album didn’t have enough emotional depth, Gavin drives the knife in harder by inviting Mitski to feature on the latest single ‘As Good As It Gets.’

Better Lovers ‘Love As An Act of Rebellion’

Shut the fuck up and stop whatever it is that you’re doing. Better Lovers finally released their hotly anticipated debut album ‘Highly Irresponsible.’ We think ‘irresponsible’ might be underselling the absolute fury contained within the record’s 10 blistering tracks. A better name for this album would be ‘Highly Illegal’ as we’re pretty sure playing some of these riffs in public would be considered a felony in several states.

Soccer Mommy ‘Abigail’

With the light of summer fading quicker and quicker every day, it seems fitting that all of the most melancholy indie albums of the year are coming out in full force. Soccer Mommy’s excellent ‘Evergreen’ is no exception. The most recent single from the effort, ‘Abigail’ is an ode to singer Sophie Alison’s fictional wife in the hit game “Stardew Valley,” which should make you feel less alone in the unhealthy relationships you’ll likely forge within the game over the next few cold and unforgiving months.

Great Grandpa ‘Doom’

Seattle’s beloved indie rock quintet Great Grandpa nearly disbanded in 2020 following the release of their breakthrough album ‘Four of Arrows.’ Many fans worried they would never hear the complex and layered sound of the group again. As is the case with most indie kid worries, these fears were unfounded. The band recently announced their reunion and have been working on a new album. The collection will be the outfit’s first new album in five years. If it’s anywhere near as strong as the latest single ‘Doom,’ we’ll all be weeping for months after its release.

Ghoul Lewis and the Boos ‘Horror Boogie’

Celebrating a holiday dedicated to horror during an election year feels like a bit redundant. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to have a little bit of fun. We know it seems impossible, but maybe a goofy Halloween song from a band with a ‘so bad it’s funny’ name will help brighten your spirits a bit. That’s right. It’s ‘Horror Boogie’ from Ghoul Lewis and the Boos. Put it on during your Halloween Party and it will be a sure fire way to get things moving. It’s no ‘Monster Mash’ but look, we’re trying here.

We know six songs isn’t enough to fill the void, so we’ve compiled these and probably too many more into a massive and disorienting playlist. Click here to like, follow, and never be left alone with your thoughts again.

Five Couples Costumes for Halloween That Also Kinda Work If You Break Up

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

Yikes! Is your relationship on the rocks — or fully over — right when you were supposed to be dressing up for Halloween to show the world just how adorably clever and in love you are?

Don’t panic. Never let a silly little breakup stand in the way of doing that couples costume. Whether you’re going to hit the parties alone or with your now-ex, we have some ideas that … kinda work. Or might just make it all even more weird and sad. Either way, your whole Instagram following can’t wait to see!

Salt and Pepper Shakers

Breakup pivot: If you’re pepper, you suddenly passionate about the cardiovascular benefits of a strict low-sodium diet. Or you’re a solo salt shaker, but your delicate digestive system can no longer handle the spice of pepper. Either way, you don’t sound fun at all. And everyone is probably going to be asking all night where the other shaker is and then you’ll break down sobbing and start desperately stuffing your face with Three Musketeers bars, but technically this costume still works and that’s all that matters.

Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love

Sweet, one half of the couple you were going to dress as is very famously dead? Doesn’t get more convenient and dark than that! You can even both still go to the party. Drink up that mystery witch’s brew punch and let the rumors fly, baby. Just remember no one wants to see the two of you arguing in public again about who gets to keep the dog now.

King and Queen of Hearts

Hey man, sorry you were … dealt a bad hand there with that breakup. Your new look is a forgotten stray playing card peeled off the carpet at a dingy casino. Roll around in a stale mix of dust, cigarette ash, and spilled sticky cocktails. Add a few deep creases by stumbling into a wall or two, and you’re ready to go, you lonely little cardboard king or queen.

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez

Look, if this was already going be your couple costume, you probably should’ve seen the end of your relationship coming for a while. Your friends definitely all did. They all just didn’t want to say it, and it was kind of fun seeing how long you’d last this time. But now you’re both going to kill it with that messy emotional realism! Grab that Dunkin’ coffee and put on your sunglasses. Bonus: If you get back together yet again at the last minute, you’re also all set.

Plug and Socket

We’re just going to be honest: This one is already stupid and overplayed either way. But now that you’re wandering around the party solo holding a floppy little plug with no socket to be found, it’ll look even more pathetic. Your only hope here is to pretend to be electrocuted. Maybe even dead. Happy Halloween!

Goth Show Offers Discounted Admission For Attendees Who Bring a Glassy-Eyed Victorian Doll To Donate To Creepy Charity

Posted on by James Knapp

HARTFORD, Conn. — Attendees at a recent performance by goth band Choking Ghost were admitted at a discount provided they brought a donation in the form of a “doubtlessly haunted” doll, spooky sources confirmed.

“In the infinite darkness that consumes all of our lives, it’s still important to give back,” explained the show’s promoter Helen “Mockingbird” Stuhlwitz. “That’s why we decided to use live music to help provide glassy-eyed Victorian dolls to those in need. Most people don’t realize just how badly they need a terrifying doll in their life until they finally receive one, and then awaken in the middle of the night to find it hovering above them in their bed. That sort of experience really does change one’s life.”

Showgoer Donovan Glazier, though supportive, expressed confusion as to the benefit of this particular charity.

“Though I appreciate not having to pay full price for the show tonight, I don’t see how these creepy fucking things actually help anyone,” said Glazier while depositing his contribution into a charred wooden crate next to the venue’s entrance. “I found that doll at an antique shop a few blocks from here. The goddamn thing wouldn’t stop humming the whole walk here and I swear I saw the eyes start glowing silver at one point. If that helps someone less fortunate, fine, but I’m just glad to be rid of it.”

A terrifying haunted doll known by the moniker “Isabella the Pox” described its feelings about being a charitable donation, which it could only articulate in the form of an eerie children’s nursery rhyme.

“In the darkness we will dream,
silent as we constantly scream.
Hollow eyes are always watching,
We will eat your niece’s hamster.

“A thousand years of blood upon you,
then we will return to sleep.
Nothing left of earth or heaven.
Our collective father was a swamp monster.”

At press time, members of Choking Ghost were thrilled that there appeared to be much more blood seeping through the green rooms walls than at any other venue they had played before.

Feel Old Yet? The Demon Goat Guy on the Cover of Venom’s “Black Metal” Just Had His 4,078th Birthday

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Who’s got two horns, helped to spearhead the first wave (and only true wave, for my money) of black metal and just hit the big 4,078-years-young milestone? No, it’s not the cloven-hoofed lad from Slayer’s “Show No Mercy,” but rather none other than the iconic demon goat from the cover of Venom’s “Black Metal” record!

And you can rest assured that it was one hell of a time.

All the “who’s who” of the metal world showed up for Mr. Demon Goat’s (D.G. for short) big b-day bash. Tom Warrior of Celtic Frost was there, and brought his world famous vegan pentagram-sugar cookies. Royalty also made an appearance, as King Diamond arrived bearing his (in)famous party favors of strawberry upside-down cross cake! And no party is complete without Fenriz bringing his homemade basement brew.

Even legends who are no longer among the living made it out for the momentous occasion.

“D.G. and Motörhead go way back,” said party guest Lemmy Kilmister. “As a matter of fact, D.G. and I did PCP for the first time together back in the seventies before he got the big Venom gig. I watched the sonofabitch flip 8 cop cars before burrowing back into the depths of Hell. We have been buds ever since.”

Amongst the debauchery and craziness however, there was a question on practically everybody’s mind: “Where are the Venom guys?”

“I made it pretty clear that I didn’t want any members from any iteration of Venom at my birthday party,” D.G. sternly explained. “If they can’t get along, and want to start 9 different versions of Venom, be my guest, but I refuse to take part in their silly, childish games. I’m sure Cronos will have something smart to say about that, and stoop to some level of picking on me about my age or something but let him. Because even at 4,078 years old, I still have a better hairline than he does.”

Ouch D.G., ouch!

So here’s to another 4,078 years to one of metal’s most iconic silver-faced demons! Maybe someday he’ll have a change of heart and reunite with the ones who put his name on the map, but until then, I think the song title “Leave Me in Hell” pretty much sums up his happy-go-lucky approach to life.

Project 2025 Council Vows to Capture Captain Planet and the Planeteers and Destroy Them Once and For All

Posted on by Bill Conway

WASHINGTON — The minds behind the much-reviled Project 2025 announced new plans to capture ecological superhero Captain Planet and his trusty Planeteers in order to continue to destroy Earth with little obstruction, cigar-smoking sources confirmed.

“There are only two things standing in our way right now. One of them is Kamala Harris and we are convinced we can get her to play ball if she’s elected, the other is that pesky Captain Planet and his love for all living things. His appreciation of nature’s majesty makes me physically ill and I can’t wait to capture him and burn him alive inside a stack of old tires,” said The Heritage Foundation President Kevin Roberts while dumping large pieces of styrofoam into a river. “I’m close friends with Hoggish Greedly and the way Captain Planet treats him is shameful. Hoggish is a titan of industry who creates jobs. Captain Planet and the Planeteers are just a bunch of radical liberals who hate the American way of life.”

Linka, the Planeteer who has the power of wind, says she is well aware that they are being targeted ahead of the 2024 election. 

“All of us Planeteers were doxxed last year and ever since then we have these mouth-breathing goons outside our apartments fucking with our recycling bins and e-bikes,” said Linka. “Some of them are pretty aggressive. But thankfully they are all so out of shape they can never actually catch me. I just do a light jog down the block and then they get winded and scream some nonsense about personal liberties. I’ve been a Planeteer for over 30 years, I thought things would be better by now.”

Captain Planet himself issued a stern statement to The Heritage Foundation after being summoned by the Planeteers.

“All I want to do is spread a message of love and have all of humanity live in harmony within the beauty of nature, but these Project 2025 queefs are getting on my last nerve,” said the green-haired superhero. “You fuck with the Earth you fuck with me. Gaia has instructed me to start laying waste to anyone who continues to pollute our planet. The funny thing is I’m mother-fucking invincible, I can survive in fucking space. These people can’t destroy me. But I can cave their fucking faces in with one punch, and I might just have to start exploding some heads.”

At press time, The Heritage Foundation was thrilled to announce they received a sizable donation from billionaire Bruce Wayne.

7 Must Have Songs For Your Abortion Road Trip Playlist

Posted on by Jennifer Donovan

Do you have a mass of cells in your reproductive organs that you need to stop from replicating but live in a state that withholds reproductive healthcare? I’ve got three words for you:

ABORTION ROADTRIP, BABY!

When you’re filled to the brim with a sacred feminine rage stoked by centuries of oppression nothing soothes the soul like a long drive and a totally kick ass playlist. Whether your journey will take you to a medical clinic across state lines or to a steep set of stairs behind the Walgreens at the edge of town (we hope it’s the former), these pro-choice anthems will give you the strength to soldier on.

Bikini Kill “Suck My Left One”

Whether this was an easy choice or a heartbreaking one, having an abortion is not something anyone WANTS to do. It’s a necessity, no matter the reason, and nobody should have to travel great lengths or go through a bunch of bullshit red tape to get it done. Roll down your window and release your rage as you belt out the lyrics to ‘90s classic “Suck My Left One” and feel the solidarity with bad bitch and feminist icon, Kathleen Hanna. Nobody will be sucking YOUR left or right one, unless you want them to be.

The Coathangers “Watch Your Back”

Aptly named for their pro-choice beliefs, The Coathangers have so many good songs that it’s hard to choose just one. Watch Your Back has a buoyant, unpredictable beat worthy of any roadtrip playlist.

Fugazi “Reclamation”

Another oldie but goodie, long-time proponent of reproductive rights Fugazi never fails to deliver and an abortion roadtrip just wouldn’t be right without giving them their due. “These are our demands: We want control of our bodies.” Fuck yea.

Bad Cop, Bad Cop “Womananarchist”

“Womananarchist” mixes rage with a hopeful winning spirit that will have you envision up-ending outdoor bathtubs filled with limp-dicked politicians popping boner pills. Just imagine their wrinkled bodies slipping off a cliff at sunset as you stand, victorious, with your right to choose intact.

Dream Nails “Vagina Police”

London-based Dream Nails has a lineup of unapologetic feminist-punk works that they claim to be more hexes than songs. Fire up “Vagina Police” and hope the spell it casts shields you from the watchful eyes of any law enforcement that may pull you over and force you to show your menstruation records.

Bad Religion “American Jesus”

If an all-powerful, absentee father can sacrifice his fully grown child to atone for the sins of the imperfect humans that he himself created and then bring that child back to life only to let him die a second time you can certainly excavate a clump of insentient fetal cells from your womb for whatever reason you see fit because that shit doesn’t add up.

NOFX “You’re Wrong”

Every roadtrip could use a little acoustic break and whether or not you agree with everything NOFX sanctions as wrong/right I think we can all agree here that calling Ann Coulter a cunted cunt is hilariously right and limiting your right to choose is wrong.

Punk Halloween Party Has Guests Bob for Cigarettes

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local punk Roxy Molloy reportedly invited guests to bob for cigarettes at her annual Halloween party at DIY venue The Sharp, confirmed sources that still reek of stale tobacco water.

“Every year, we aim for something fresh and unique,” said Molloy. “Last year, we stuffed a Nancy Reagan piñata with cigarettes and candy corn and used it like a stationary pinata. The year before, we had a costume contest—naturally, I won with my unbeatable Siouxsie Sioux—but there were some serious contenders. But this year we wanted to try something we hadn’t done before and update a Halloween classic. That’s how we got to the bobbing for cigarettes game. A lot of folks in this community love cigarettes—I mean, really love them. The competition was so fierce that we might not do it again next year. There were several fist fights and at least four people nearly drowned.”

Straight edge partygoer Fred Joyce appreciated that Molloy set up a candy cigarette bobbing game to accommodate her non-smoking friends.

“I’m always a little hesitant to come to these things,” said Joyce. “Everyone is just getting fucked up and acting wild. I usually just hang out on the couch, drink La Croix, and pet the dog. But the bobbing for candy cigarettes game was surprisingly really, really fun. It’s rad that Roxy looks out for her friends who don’t drink or smoke. She’s the best. I will say though, the candy cigs got kind of sticky and gross in the water. Maybe she can revise that for next year.”

Dave Parish, a spokesperson for Philip Morris International, says the company has been keeping a close eye on events in Minneapolis and is hoping bobbing for cigarettes will become a nationwide Halloween tradition.

“We’re thrilled about this ‘bobbing for cigarettes’ trend,” Parish said while simultaneously texting several lobbyists. “Some are even calling it a nascent ‘craze.’ It’s about time Halloween games got a modern upgrade. I mean, doctors have been warning us for years about the dangers of bobbing for apples—drowning, choking, permanent tooth damage. Some say bobbing for apples is the new smoking. But bobbing for cigarettes? That’s the new Crossfit. Or Peloton. Or whatever the fuck. Who cares?”

At press time, guests were unsure whether the fog that had descended on the kitchen was from a smoke machine or recently won cigarettes.