Metalhead Wakes from Horrible Nightmare Where Vest Had Sleeves

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

EUGENE, Ore. — Local metalhead and part-time barista Oscar “Grouch” Palmer woke from a horrible nightmare in which his treasured denim vest had somehow grown terrifying, constricting sleeves, nearby sources confirmed.

“I woke up sweatier than I’ve ever been before,” said Palmer. “Which is really saying something. I was at [local bar and venue] John Henry’s, except that it wasn’t really John Henry’s, you know? And I could feel something binding me, something dark and disturbing that was keeping me from raising my arms unnecessarily high near people and showing off my pit hair. Then I looked down, and these shit-hideous tubes of cloth had somehow grown all over my arms, like some kind of fucking David Cronenberg body horror. My beautiful vest. My vest!”

“Hesher” Fletcher Morton, Palmer’s close friend, roommate, and bandmate in three non-gigging groups, spoke as a representative for every inhabitant of the house, which totals seven.

“I’ve never seen Grouch so shaken up,” said Morton, bringing the teary Palmer a lukewarm PBR for his nerves. “Not even that time he had a bad dream in which he washed and conditioned his hair and said that it felt light and bouncy. But sleeves, man, that’s fucked up. The only thing worse would be, like, if all of my patches and clothespins came off and then crawled over my face and choked me and, just as I died, whispered ‘Taylor Swift rules.’”

Dream therapist Bryant Wallace offered to make an appointment with Palmer to discuss his terrifying vest dream, pending confirmation of his parents’ insurance.

“It is not unusual for the people and things one loves most to resurface in terrifying and, frankly, impossible combinations in a nightmare,” said Wallace. “Because a metalhead like Mr. Palmer would no more have sleeves on his totemic vest than a punk would have a career-track job or a Charli XCX fan would shut up on Twitter. It must inherently be a source of anxiety for him. In many ways, ‘dream sleeves’ are his mind’s way of processing his fears that someday he may lose the freedom to have his bare, unwashed arms stinking up a concert venue and be forced to be a contributing member of society.”

As of press time, Palmer was moaning in his sleep as he dreamed he was in a mosh pit where everyone was apologizing to each other.

Photo by Bone Jawnson.

10 Ways to Say No to Drugs Unless the Person You Have a Crush On is Also Doing Them

Posted on by Zac Lux

So you’re on a sobriety kick, I get it, we’ve all been there. Or, maybe you’re straight edge, haven’t even tasted the sweet release of an ibuprofen during the most manic of headaches. Here’s a few ways that have worked for us to say NO to drugs. At least until our crush showed up.

“No thanks, I’m good”

Can go a long way. Unless of course, the person holding a jazz-cigarette in your face is your crush, and you’re at a party with a ton of other super hot people that they may take a liking to if you don’t smoke this joint right FUCKING now. If that’s the case then, despite your history with weed and how it makes you insurmountably paranoid even with your closest friends, you can backpedal with something suave like, “Actually, you know what? Call me potty-mouth because I think I would like a drag of that sweet-leaf, daddio.” Then BOOM you’re in. Now just build up some saliva to fight the cotton-mouth so you can ask them out.

“Sorry, I’m stuffed”

This is a bonafide classic when you don’t want to consume any (or any more, looking at you, Andy) psilocybin mushrooms. However if your crush looks a little bummed out you won’t be taking a trip with them, tag on “…But I can always make room for dessert!” And toss a couple of those bad larries down your gullet. See you love-birds in a few hours!

“I don’t do well in the snow”

So your crush comes up to you again, this time asking to go to the bathroom with them to do lines of cocaine off the water tank of the only working toilet in the downstairs bathroom at the local Goth club. Of course they did, you stud! Give ‘em the ol’ “I don’t do well in the snow,” until they start eying the sound-guy person who’s wearing a sick vintage “Transformers” t-shirt. “But I love the Winter Olympics!” Go into that bathroom and luge those lines, big guy.

“For the last time, my name isn’t Molly.”

A steadfast approach to deter someone from offering you designer drugs. But let’s say you’re at a rave in the desert with a bunch of burners. And one of them is super cute and you have to look cool. Follow this up with “unless you were doing a ‘Call Me By Your Name’ thing, then do that, (Insert your name here).” and pop one of those pills, Molly, because you’re about to have a nice evening with your crush. You’ll hardly be sweating at all. You’re gonna smell great. Make sure you call them by your name the rest of the night to keep up with the bit they instilled.

“Fentanyl? More like Fenta-NO”

There isn’t a backpedal quip for this one. Don’t even do this if your crush is doing it, please.

“I can’t. I need to drive my kids to soccer practice later”

Is a good way to turn down a dozen beers. “But maybe it’ll actually make me less nervous while driving” So your crush knows that not only do you know how to party, but you’re also a considerate parent.

“Crack is wack”

This slogan was huge in the ‘80s. If someone offers you crack, you can squash the offer with this simple saying. But if it’s your crush, good freaking luck, buddy. Toss on a “But I’m wackier” there and freebase that shit if you really want to impress them. You will be trying to steal a cop’s gun in no time.

“Turn on? Tune in? OPT out.”

Throw a spin on this old Timothy Leary quote to shut down any hippie waving a sheet of LSD in your face. For your crush—just leave it at “Turn ON.” and slob that paper down. Your crush will think it’s so hot. Hang in there, it may be a bumpy ride, but think of your crush. You HAVE to do this.

“I’m no angel”

If anyone offers you PCP, or “angel dust” give them this. “But I’ll be your Devil” when your crush asks. That’ll sound VERY cool, and not lame, you sexy devil. Do your best to not get absurdly aggressive. That would be a major buzzkill.

“Don’t need any. I’m all natural, baby”

To make flaccid any offering of blue chew. But if your crush insists? “Maybe it’ll amplify how natural I am” Strap in. Do your best to not get stage fright. And remember to call the physician if you have been too “natural” for too long of time.

Rural Vegan’s Basement Fridge Stocked With 600 Pounds of Impossible Beef

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

BOSEMAN, Mont. — Local vegan and doomsday prepper Abe Friesen stocked his basement refrigerator with 600 pounds of Impossible beef, confirmed sources.

“I got a whole year’s supply of Impossible beef in one go by purchasing the entire slab. Not only did I save money, but you don’t know what the woke government puts in cow beef anyways,” said Friesen, who couldn’t list a single ingredient of the meat substitute product. “My underground bunker is fully loaded with Impossible beef tip, sirloin, and t-bone. Hell, I even have Impossible Kobe and Wagyu beef. All I know is that when the world ends, and it will, likely next month, I’ll be eating like a cruelty-free king every day, the simulated juices of my bounty dripping down my chin.”

Local butcher Will Delatraz says Friesen isn’t the only vegan buying Impossible Foods products in bulk.

“Montana’s long been a haven for introverted right-wing nut jobs,” reported Delatraz. “And the liberal media never reports that there are vegans on the right side of the aisle too. I’d say a good 40% of my business is Ted Kaczynski types that bring in slabs of Impossible beef as big as minivans for me to cut up. Sure, I don’t get the same satisfaction from cutting up soy protein as I do from slicing through the rotting flesh of a dead animal that probably just wanted to live peacefully in nature like a loser, but money’s money and I have bills to pay. So are you guys going to buy some meat or what?”

Impossible Foods CEO Peter McGuinness is already capitalizing on the economy’s next emerging market.

“Maybe I shouldn’t say anything, but we’re developing life-like animatronic wildlife made out of Impossible products to roam the wild after people are gone,” said McGuinnes while scarfing down a Triple Baconator from Wendy’s. “Even after society inevitably collapses due to the corporate greed of companies that aren’t us, Impossible Foods will still satisfy the needs of our customers and shareholders. Impossible-based wild cows, deer, turkeys, rabbits, bison, and other kinds of animals will all be on offer. That way, post-apocalyptic vegan hunters will be able to hunt, kill, and process animals to provide sustenance for their families; just like God intended.”

At press time, Friesen was seen picking Impossible gristle from between his teeth.

Shit! I Decided to Stop Checking the News for My Mental Health, but Now I’m Just the Dumbest Person at This Party

Posted on by Livy Berry

I recently decided I needed to prioritize my mental health. I took a look at my life and realized it’s not a good time for me to quit drinking and smoking, but I could cut out a lot of stress in my life if I stopped checking the news altogether. Every headline and John Oliver clip is like the modern-day equivalent of a caveman hearing a rustle in the bushes. With all the things there are to stress about these days, making this change felt like Patrick Swayze had entered my brain, removed all of its preconceived notions of society, and then taught it to dance.

Today I woke up and watched a five minute long video of golden retrievers trying to fetch a ball out of a pool. Amazing! I spent breakfast pondering how teacup pigs could get so tiny. I truly considered myself the smartest person in town, as I had clearly discovered the secret to eternal peace of mind. I even texted my family informing them of my plans to write a book (damn, that’s gonna be embarrassing to go back on). Life could not be going better.

This is where everything falls apart. I roll into my friend’s birthday party ready to spread my newfound knowledge, but once I get there, everyone is talking about who Harris might choose for VP and something called Project 2025. I figure this Project 2025 thing is some kind of resolution thing, so I chime in and say I’m going to start exercising more (nailed it), but everyone starts laughing at me. Are we not exercising anymore? Then they start going into Trump’s political agendas for some reason, and I have no idea what the hell anybody’s talking about. They’re using these huge words, and all I can think about is a Tik Tok I saw about freeze-dried Laffy Taffy.

I have to move to a new conversation to get a fresh start. I figure this one will go better for me, these guys usually just talk about baseball and who wants to go on the next beer run. What could go wrong?

Fuck! Cody used to be the dumb one in our friend group, but now he’s talking about the long term impact of a two-rate individual tax system. What the fuck does that even mean? How does HE even know what that means? The last time we got together he asked me if “Armageddon” was based on a true story! This has been a solid blow to my ego, and I know I have to get out.

Pretending to need another drink, I manage to duck out of the conversation, but now I’m just hiding in the kitchen and petting the dog. If you’re reading this, please send help (I worry the dog is about to ask me for my take on foreign policy and I do not have one).

Nice! Woman Who Called You Homophobic Slurs in High School So Excited to See Chappell Roan

Posted on by Sarah Cassell

BOSTON – Local bully Veronica Coughlin, who took immense joy in calling classmates homophobic slurs in high school, is reportedly so excited to see Chappell Roan in concert, confirmed sources who’d rather her not be there or anywhere in their general vicinity.

“I love Chappell Roan! I think we’d be such besties. We’d gossip about which guys we think are hot and we’d make fun of all the losers in the audience, and I’d like totally teach her how to find a makeup shade that matches her face better,” said Coughlin completely unaware of the drag origins in Chappell Roan’s different outfits. “I can’t wait to see her in concert and scream ‘Good Luck, Babe.’ It reminds me of my boyfriend, who I wish would say Chappell’s name corrrectly. It’s pronounced ‘Sha-pell,’ right?”

Others were not as thrilled about Coughlin’s attendance at the upcoming concert, such as Ash Robinson, who Coughlin bullied in high school.

“I can’t believe Veronica is going and I couldn’t even get tickets!” lamented Robinson after seeing “the bitches are seeing Chappell” on Coughlin’s Instagram story. “She used to call me a lesbo in high school, then she said she told me she could maybe kiss a girl, but definitely never date one – and now suddenly she’s Chappell’s biggest fan. Do you think she’s ever actually listened to any of the lyrics? Or has any queer friends? Or any friends for that matter?”

But it’s not just straight women who are newly excited to see Roan, such as Coughlin’s boyfriend Matt Roberts.

“Yeah, this will be a fun date night. I put on some special cologne for the occasion in case we hook up. Or if not her, some other hotties at the show. They all have dope carabiners,” explained Roberts. “Oh and before you go ‘don’t you have a girlfriend?’ it’s fine – Veronica and I are in an unethical non-monogamous relationship or whatever shit you call it. I’m gonna push to the front so Chappell sees me, but no, I definitely won’t do the ‘HOT TO GO’ dance. That’s gay.”

At press time, Coughlin was worried about girls potentially flirting with her at the concert despite none ever remotely doing so.

Six Songs We Listened To This Week While Trying To Avoid The News

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

It’s been another week of historical and life-changing moments that you’d rather not have to deal with, but you’re here and you might as well make the most of it. For literal decades, people have used music as a means to escape the harsh and cruel reality of the world. Why not you? Here are six new punk, indie, and hardcore songs you can listen to while pretending our democracy is functional and nothing bad is happening anywhere.

Pixies ‘Chicken’

Indie rock legends Pixies have just announced their tenth studio album, ‘The Night the Zombies Came.’ It’s their first with the newly added bassist Emma Richardson. In true Pixies fashion, their latest single ‘Chicken’ is a waltzy dirge that sounds like it could soundtrack the weirdest B-Horror movie you’ve ever seen, though maybe not as weird as the one your college roommate made during their last semester.

Prim ‘Don’t Count On Me’

In 2020, famed hardcore veterans Kevin Flores and Mark Ramos decided to embrace the more melodic side of their signature heavy leanings in the form of a new band called Prim. Following a flurry of EPs and singles, the band is set to release their debut full-length ‘Move Too Slow.’ Their latest single, ‘Don’t Count On Me,’ is fuzzed out power-pop at it’s finest with a healthy dose of oomph that only those steeped in the hardcore scene can provide.

Mamaleek “Legion Of Bottom Deck Dealers’

San Francisco’s avant-garde rock outfit Mamaleek are back with a freshly terrifying – and ten-minute long – track entitled ‘Legion Of Bottom Deck Dealers.’ It’s a brooding, churning, gut-wrenching track that will have you looking around the corner in fear for the entire runtime. The single comes after announcing a run of dates supporting the equally disturbing Chat Pile, reflecting the horrors of modern society a little too effectively.

A Deer A Horse “Rearview”

Have you ever wanted to listen to System of A Down, Primus or Tool without looking like a total nerd? We’ve got the band for you. Brooklyn’s A Deer A Horse is making an unholy racket that harkens back to the golden era of ‘90s hard rock while simultaneously being impossible to define. Their latest single ‘Rearview’ from the forthcoming album ‘Texas Math’ is a sonic journey that, as its title suggests, will have you looking back wondering how the hell you got here.

Karate “Defendants”/“Silence and Sound”

Experimental and criminally underrated rock trio ‘Karate’ – whose influence on indie rock cannot be understated – announced a new album entitled ‘Make It Fit.’ It’s their first in two decades following a lengthy battle to regain the rights to their back catalog. Making up for lost time, they’ve dropped not one, but two excellent singles. ‘Defendants’ and ‘Silence and Sound’ play out as if the band never broke up at all. If you’re a fan of any indie-punk band from 2000-onward, this is your chance to pretend you were in on the ground floor all along.

We know six songs won’t cure your existential dread entirely, so we’ve added them to our ever-expanding playlist. It’s 10 hours long now so you can fill your entire day with it even if you pause for depression naps. You can click here to check it out unless you’d prefer to suffer in silence, which, no judgement.

Modern Day Miracle? These Five Friends in Their 30s Found a Saturday They All Have Free To Hang Out

Posted on by James Knapp

There have been plenty of reported miracles throughout the course of human history, ranging from Christ’s resurrection after his crucifixion at the hands of the Romans to the time when a bolt of acid lightning from the heavens finally killed Pol Pot.

However, some miracles are so unfathomably rare and awe-inspiring that they bust through the cynical veil of non-believers by presenting them a situation that cannot possibly be anything besides divine intervention: five 30-something human beings, some of whom have actual children, all found a shared Saturday where none of them have any obligations.

Yes, we know, please don’t faint from incredulity just yet. You read right. That’s an entire Saturday that these five friends had free from work responsibilities, doctor’s appointments, lunch plans with their in-laws, and whatever stupid things their dumb little wiener kids would have tried to drag them to. None of that! Praise the lord!

Reports indicate that at the time of the miracle’s discovery, a beam of light shot forth from the friends’ shared Google calendar and the three friends who weren’t busy meal prepping for the week at that moment gazed on in awe as they realized that they all had a Saturday, a mere nine weeks away, where none of them had any plans. The other two friends were later told about the beam of light and agreed that it sounded pretty cool.

As anyone else who has had to leave their youth to vanish rapidly in the rearview window of their lives knows, being over 33 years old guarantees that you will never again be spontaneously capable of doing whatever you want with four other people you actually enjoy forever. Thus, this modern-day miracle is being heralded by whatever Pope we’ve gotta deal with right now as “a clearer sign of divine intervention than if my bitch mother-in-law shut her judgemental face hole for even a second.” That’s a direct Pope quote there.

While the friends all appear to agree that they’ll make the most of this once in a lifetime free group Saturday, unfortunately, they’ll be even busier going forward as they’ll have to start going to church on Sundays again. But hey, that’s the cost of miracles, apparently. Hail Satan!

Toddler Left In Parked Cybertruck Dies of Embarrassment

Posted on by Justin Gordon-Cooper

LOS ANGELES — Tragedy struck Southern California Wednesday night when a toddler was discovered dead inside a Tesla Cybertruck from an apparent case of massive embarrassment after being seen in such an abomination, sources confirmed.

“I really thought she was old enough to handle it,” said Charles Hazel, the girl’s father. “Her mother and I had the talk with her. We said, if you’re feeling embarrassed, just get out of the Cybertruck and talk about all the cool features it has. We let her know that people will stop pointing and laughing as soon as you show them the state-of-the-art cooling system and the badass automatic glove compartment. I can’t help but think this all could have been avoided if she’d watched the YouTube breakdowns about the creative design features of the truck instead of staring at cartoons all day. I tried explaining that Elon’s ideas can sometimes seem a little out there at first. But if he says the Cybertruck is cool, I think it’s our duty to accept that blindly.”

Officials around Los Angeles are warning parents to be as safe as possible when asking their children to ride in a Cybertruck.

“This latest tragedy has been tough on all of us. When we found her, it was clear she’d been trying to hide her face inside her ‘Bluey’ t-shirt,” said Detective Mike Sanchez at the briefing press conference. “But this is the definition of an open and shut case. She was a perfectly healthy child before entering the Cybertruck and it’s easy to see her parents are complete losers. This kid was never given a fair chance. We always tell parents, they should really think twice about leaving their children in Cybertrucks — especially during summer — when people are out and about, looking for ugly things to laugh at.”

Clarence Withers, an LA county coroner, believes there could be more to the Cybertruck’s lethal embarrassment than authorities are letting on.

“I see two or three of these trucks every day driving around the city. We’re talking weapons grade levels of ugly here. I don’t want to dive too deep into the conspiracy well, but I wouldn’t be surprised if this was some kind of aesthetic warfare deployed by a foreign enemy. All I’m saying is I’ve been doing this job a long time and the scale of pure, unadulterated embarrassment on the faces of these cadavers is unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Ask yourself this: could a design this grotesque have been conjured up by one pathetic man? I just don’t see it.”

While the toddler’s parents say they will not get rid of the vehicle, they have spoken to lawyers about potential negligence inside Tesla’s design department.

Grew up Listening to Wilco? You May Be Entitled to an Apology From Your Dad

Posted on by Violet Meeker

Have you always had the itching feeling your Dad is going to leave your Mom for Jeff Tweedy? Did you fall asleep to the sounds of “Sky Blue Sky” as a baby? Was every family road trip a Wilco album listening party? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you might be eligible for an apology from your Dad.

If the below criteria applies to you, our office may be able to assist you:

  • You were often told you had an “old soul” as a child
  • Your knew who Neko Case was before the age of 12
  • You only applied to liberal arts colleges
  • You’ve spent a large amount of your life at farmers markets

We provide an extensive interview process in which we learn what ways this has had long term impacts on you as a person. Oftentimes, our office sees children like this start indie rock bands themselves – even as early as middle school. In fact, many have superiority complexes that stay with them throughout their adult lives. Upon hearing the sounds of “Summerteeth” or “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot” multiple times a child begins to create a God complex, believing that all other children have inferior music taste. And if this is combined with a Yo La Tengo album? The consequences will be life-long.

If any of this sounds like you or a loved one, please reach out immediately. We understand that being an adult Wilco fan is one thing, but being born into a Wilco family is another. When you scream “THE ASHTRAY SAYS YOU WERE UP ALL NIGHT” at the age of ten, you inevitably begin to embody a sad Dad – ending up in a swirl pool of emotional depth you could only pretend to imagine while playing air guitar. Your Vans-wearing Dad of the indie-rock persuasion may have introduced you to a form of Twee you can never escape.

Contact our office at: 753 Mermaid Avenue

ASPCA Adoptions Up 600% After Replacing Sarah McLachlan Song with Knocked Loose Screaming “ARF ARF” on Loop

Posted on by John Danek

NEW YORK — The ASPCA announced that adoptions have increased over 600% after switching their long-standing advertising music from Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” with a two-second loop from Knocked Loose’s “Counting Worms.”

“We thank Sarah for the decades of letting us use her music, but our shelters have been filling up and our officers of the board have been getting really into hardcore with a dash of metalcore,” said Scott Thiel, Chairperson of the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. “An intern has been bugging me to check out Knocked Loose for months now, and when I first heard the ‘ARF ARF’ in ‘Counting Worms,’ I knew it was time to switch things up. Adoptions are up, and that doesn’t include the many, many more new applicants we are denying due to failed background checks and/or sniff checks.”

Almost overnight, the typical demographics of potential adopters shifted towards a younger, more aggressive type of pet owner.

“First of all, ‘Angel’ never made sense as an ASPCA tie-in since multiple popes have declared that animals do not have souls. So how would they become angels?” asked Lyle Powers, former snake guy turned current dog person. “That song just never made me want to throw down and mosh like a maniac. On the contrary- it was a huge bummer. But Knocked Loose? Me and my husky pug mix will see you and your high anxiety mutt in the pit.”

Members of Knocked Loose found themselves struggling with their newfound fame.

“Our streaming numbers are way up and tickets are selling faster than ever, but it’s a lot of elderly people who still watch commercials on TV and want us to autograph a picture of their corgi,” admitted Knocked Loose bassist Kevin Otten. “I came dangerously close to overdosing on lemon squares last night backstage during our show in Burlington. I keep wondering if this is the tipping point. I’m afraid of ‘Counting Worms’ relegating us to the status of one-hit wonder, since it’s easily our catchiest tune. I just don’t want to become another VH1 True Hollywood Story, if they even make those anymore.”

Anonymous sources indicate that a furious McLachlan has hired Kurt Ballou to produce her next album which will feature multiple diss tracks about Knocked Loose.