You Couldn’t Make ‘Deadpool & Wolverine’ in Today’s Woke Culture

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

In a world where everyone claims to be triggered and everyone is offended by something, it’s clear that the glorious, unfiltered masterpiece that the 2024 film ‘Deadpool & Wolverine’ could never survive the fragile sensibilities of today’s “woke” culture. This cinematic tour de force, where two antiheroes carve up baddies while exchanging black-humored quips sharper than their weapons, would undoubtedly face the wrath of a hyper-sensitive public, leading to a box office flop and all those involved to be canceled.

There is no ‘safe space’ when it comes to Deadpool’s humor – something today’s snowflakes couldn’t handle. The Merc with a Mouth is known for his no-holds-barred approach to comedy, much of which would be immediately flagged as problematic by the internet. Deadpool doesn’t care about your feelings when it comes to his humor; profanity-laced dialogue, gay jokes, promoting drug use, and taking aim at the disabled. Audiences would riot and demand a more “empathetic” Deadpool. No studio would be willing to even take a chance on such an offensive movie like this anymore, except maybe NEON or A24.

And then there’s Wolverine. The gritty, cigar-chomping mutant with claws to match his gruff demeanor. His very existence is an affront to modern sensibilities. Once the epitome of rugged, take-no-prisoners masculinity, Wolverine embodies a now-endangered species… the alpha male. A man with a past so tortured, he’s become the poster child for toxic masculinity. Today’s culture warriors would argue that Logan needs to put down the claws and pick up a glass of soy milk on his way to yoga. Or perhaps he could channel his rage into a community garden, because heaven forbid he actually confronts his problems by slicing through them.

Remember that scene where Deadpool fights Wolverine in the minivan? That would be nixed immediately. The violence, they’d say, is glorified. The bloodshed, excessive. Not to mention the weird undertone that I can’t quite put my finger on but made me feel both titillated and confused. Today’s woke filmmakers would insist on a heartfelt conversation instead. Maybe a seminar on conflict resolution, where Deadpool and Wolverine could talk out their differences over a cup of fair-trade coffee.

In this brave new world, there’s no room for the likes of Deadpool and Wolverine—unless, of course, they’re willing to trade in their bravado for a subscription to a meditation app. This film represents a bygone era where shock and irreverence were celebrated, not censored. A time when heroes could be flawed and unfiltered without having to attend a sensitivity workshop. But alas, in today’s cinematic climate, such a film would never make it past the MPAA, let alone the millennial Tweetstorm.

So, ‘Deadpool & Wolverine’ will have to be kept safe in the vault with other classics like “Blazing Saddles,” “Airplane!,” and “Song of the South.” Here’s to the good old days, when sarcasm reigned supreme, people had thicker skin, and the only thing getting canceled was the villain’s plan for world domination.

Person Horribly Embarrassed at How Drunk and Fun They Were Last Night

Posted on by Charles Bill

TOPEKA, Kan. – Local boring millennial Harley Shun admitted that he is horribly embarrassed by his drunken antics which made him enjoyable to be around for the first time in nearly 15 years, hungover sources report.

“Oh man, I crushed so many drinks and had such a great time last night, it was so mortifying,” said the ashamed party animal. “I have almost no memory of what happened. I showed up to the party and ripped four shots and everybody thought I was a great hang. It hurts to even think about how cool I was last night. Then apparently I downed a boot of beer and did The Humpty Dance on the table like a total badass while everyone chanted my name. I’m cringing right now thinking about how each person at that party now thinks of me as that drunk idiot who rules and parties hard. I promise that isn’t me!”

An attendant of the party attested to how wildly crunk and disorderly Shun was.

“Harley was raging like an absolute maniac,” explained Shun’s ride and friend Freddie Priat. “Normally Harley is a total square, you can ask them any Excel hotkey and they know it off the top of their head. But last night. Wow. It was a virtuoso party performance. At one point he was smoking 15 cigarettes because people kept handing him more, and it was a hit. I hope I always remain the same boring asshole so I don’t end up beloved and cool like Harley is. The moment where they jumped over the beer pong table to block a shot, and everyone hoisted them up on their shoulders, so unlike them. I think Harley has a serious problem with being awesome.”

Leading experts on partying subcultures say that this is not only embarrassing, but dangerous.

“There’s a lot of risks from binge-drinking and becoming the life of the party,” said NYU sociologist David Smith. “Drinking four or more drinks an hour can lead to liver disease, brain damage, and absolutely crushing pussy or smashing wang. Studies also have shown that drinking to the point of insensibility, also known as ‘blacking out,’ might result in making lifelong friends that you have to awkwardly call every few months. They’ll say you’re an absolute legend, but you’ll have to explain that you actually kind of suck when you’re not twelve brewskis deep.”

At press time, Shun was going out to a party and promising themselves they would only smoke weed and become a competent conversationalist.

Help! We Turned the Political Discourse Way Down but Now We Can Hear Our Neighbor Learning to Play Guitar

Posted on by Doug Kolic

The political divide in this country has never been more extreme. Americans have been siloed into two opposing groups with no seemingly little hope to ever bridge that gap. Our family, like many others, have spent the last few years at each other’s throats while debating every aspect of domestic politics. For our own sanity, we made a conscious decision to collectively ban its discussion inside our sacred home as it was destroying the fabric of our lives. But the disadvantage of turning down that discourse is our house is so quiet we can hear our lame neighbor Glen attempting to play guitar and it makes me want to jam a fork into my ear drums.

There’s only one thing more frightening than reading about the possibility that voting for one political party will lead us into World War III, while voting for the other will usher in an elected dictator who’ll strip us of our rights, and that’s Glen trying to play “Smoke on the Water” for the millionth time. Like dude, music isn’t for everyone, please stop. We beg you. At least with total nuclear annihilation, we can hope for a quick death which is more than we can say having to listen to Glen.

Our kids finally convinced us to stop obsessing over party politics because they claimed we spent more time fighting than “taking care of their essential needs.” If that’s what they want, fine—but now I guess we’ll just have to spend each night silently sitting around the dinner table with nothing to say to each other, while being forced to listen to Fuckface next door, absolutely murdering his Gibson.

As we approach what many experts are saying will be the most important election of our lifetime, it’s important to filter out the voices who are hellbent on dividing us as a nation and try to unify, otherwise everything we hold dear may crumble and disappear.

But hey, if our worst fears are realized and 2024 becomes known as the year fascism finally takes hold in this country, maybe they’ll outlaw supposed artists like Glen and send him to a re-education camp in North Dakota, which might be a reasonable concession to never having to hear to his so-called power chords again.

Maynard James Keenan’s Winery Not Sure What to Do With Pallets of Unsold “Stinkfist Chardonnay”

Posted on by Matt Husser

JEROME, Ariz. — Workers at Maynard James Keenan’s Caduceus Cellars were reportedly debating what to do with pallets of unsold “Stinkfist Chardonnay” after the Tool frontman’s wine failed to meet sales goals for mysterious reasons, sources who much prefer Snoop Dogg’s wine confirmed.

“This is just great, we finally got rid of all the RosÆnema that no one wanted, and now we’re stuck with thousands of bottles of this horrifically named product taking up space in the cellar. I just hope we can get all this wine sold before the ‘Hooker With a Pinot’ release next month,” said winery manager Casey Dowers, looking over the disturbing images on the wine label. “We’ve tried doing tasting events, giveaways—we even tried a buy one get one special but our customers don’t seem very excited about a ‘double-fist our wine’ promo.”

First-time customer Dan Walsh was reportedly put off not only by the provocative wine name, but some of the other branding choices as well.

“I love Tool and I’ve heard great things about the winery but there’s just something about this wine that makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. I mean look at this label, it says ‘get knuckle deep inside the bouquet of this complex chardonnay with notes of buttery milk chocolate and shame,’” said Walsh, making a face as he swallowed a mouthful. “I can appreciate this wine on an artistic level, but it’s not the kind of wine I want to drink on the patio when entertaining new neighbors, you know? Feels like the kinda wine you drink alone in the dark in your underwear at 3 a.m. when you just want to feel something.”

While the consumer reviews were mixed at best, wine critic Ken Pritchard was raving about the “complex, foreboding” wine.

“Behind the provocative name and upsetting label actually lies a daring wine that provides a challenging, sophisticated drinking experience. Its many tasting note changes won’t be for everyone, but true connoisseurs will be delighted to learn more each time they revisit this bottle,” said Pritchard, sipping the wine out of a custom glass. “This wine is actually a brilliant commentary on the nature of celebrity and desensitization, but I suspect people who’ve had their taste buds burned off by mainstream booze like Dave Matthews’ wine or Sammy Hagar’s ‘mezquilla’ monstrosity might not have the capacity to appreciate the complexity churning beneath the surface of the ‘Stinkfist Chardonnay.’”

At press time, Maynard James Keenan was reportedly last seen driving a tractor around his winery while yelling “whee!”

Opinion: No, It Wasn’t a Mistake, I Genuinely Meant to Post “April O’Neil Juggs XXX” as My Facebook Status

Posted on by Dan Rice

Dear friends, family, and colleagues,

It would seem that my most recent post on Facebook has caused a lot of confusion, and dare I say even unflattering accusations. I’ve reluctantly concluded that an explanation is in order.

As you or anyone who knows me is aware, I consider myself to be a student of comedy. I’m no Shane Gillis, sure, but I am constantly endeavoring to make those around me laugh and spread a little joy into this crazy world of ours. The reason that I VERY MUCH DELIBERATELY posted “April O’Neil Juggs xxx” as my status update was because it is a very funny JOKE. Sadly, this seems to have gone over the heads of more than a few of you.

Reactions to my most recent joke, or shall we say “comedic piece,” have so far ranged from frustrating to downright hurtful. You see, it’s funny because I’m NOT searching for crude pornographic drawings of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle’s reporter friend April O’Neil. I’m ACKNOWLEDGING that being caught doing that would be embarrassing! It’s an esoteric joke, sure. What can I say, I play to the back of the room. Shortly after posting, however, it occurred to me that this SATIRICAL status might be a little too advanced for the general public, and I deleted it, which very unfortunately backfired.

Somehow, in the handful of seconds between post and deletion, a number of you screen-grabbed the status and posted it to your own timelines, tagging me in comments such as “Homeboy seriously thought he was typing in the search bar and outed himself jackin it to Ninja Turtles.” First off, I was not “jackin it” to the Ninja Turtles. The CHARACTER I was writing in was trying to gratify himself with sexualized images of April O’Neil, a human woman of adult age. Secondly, It was a JOKE, because the IDEA of me doing that would be funny!

My only crime here is doubting my own comedic genius and hastily deleting this WORK OF FICTION within seconds of it going live. I am not, as many of you have insinuated “a pervert.” No, my family is not “shell-shocked by this reveal.” No, I am not “finishing on a pizza and then eating it (but no anchovies dude!)” Frankly, the fact that so many of your minds went there makes me wonder about some of you.

Comedians, oh, I consider myself a comedian by the way, comedians are explorers. Sometimes we need a lot of runway before we can take off, and while we may stumble along the way we should be free to experiment, even at the risk of offending. To quote Dave Chappelle, “Comedians have a responsibility to speak recklessly.” Thank you, and goodnight.

Velma+glasses+BJ xxx

Bank Purchasing House So It Can Settle Down And Raise Little Banks

Posted on by Travis Tack

CARMEL, Ind. — Wells Fargo Bank announced the acquisition of a quaint two bedroom to settle down and raise little banks, sources who couldn’t catch a break confirmed.

“We believe in the American Dream, where a bank can one day own several million single family homes. That was the vision our forefathers had. A country where any financial institution can have a house, a white picket fence, and 3.5 other little banks that were acquired through a series of moderately leveraged mergers and acquisitions,” said Edward Beaulac, Senior VP of Real Estate. “And maybe one day those banks will grow up and purchase the other homes in the neighborhood at rock bottom prices. Then we can get together for the holidays and sell all that land to the Chinese.”

Previous tenant Michael Weaver says the acquisition was a blessing in disguise.

“We may have gotten priced out of the neighborhood but on the plus side our new apartment is between a meth lab and a fireworks testing facility,” said Weaver. “It’s the best thing that ever happened to us! We’re big fans of ‘Breaking Bad’ and always wanted to experience the meth-trade firsthand. I’m just glad the community can come together to help a struggling multinational bank with deep roots in the global financial system and significant holdings across multiple sectors. Finally, the little guy wins.”

Jean Larsen has lived next to a bank for three years now and says she’s come to treasure the experience.

“I’d never met a bank before, but I’d seen them on TV and they seem like good people,” Larsen remarked. “When you first hear that banks are moving into the neighborhood, you worry that they’re going to come in and put chains on all the pens – but it’s not true. We have a great relationship. Last year, I sent them a Christmas card with a picture of my family and they sent back a flyer offering me a new line of credit with 0% APR for 21 months. They also recently purchased the factory I work for, so I’m really looking forward to seeing how that goes.”

At press time, the bank announced plans to rent out some of their recently purchased homes for a mere 400% of the mortgage cost.

You’re Forklift Certified? Name Three OSHA Rules You’ve Blatantly Violated

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Well if it isn’t the new guy! Just so we’re clear from the get go, we do things a little differently around here. This isn’t like the rinky-dink warehouses you’re probably used to, we’re moving hundreds of millions of dollars of inventory in this place all day every day. And if you’re going to be here, I need to know that I can trust you know what you’re doing?

Huh, so you’re forklift certified then? Sure thing kid, I just need you to verify that by naming three OSHA violations you’ve blatantly violated on a daily basis in order to get things done a few seconds faster.

I want to make it perfectly clear that just because you passed a safety course doesn’t mean you know how to operate heavy machinery like it’s your last day on Earth. There’s a huge difference between using a forklift as intended by the manufacturer and exceeding max load capacity because you don’t want to make an extra trip to the loading dock. If you can’t see that, you’re not gonna last a week here.

If you’re here to make safety your number one priority, do yourself a favor and put in your two weeks notice. Look around, do you really think our bosses had the budget to invest in bulk racking that’ll withstand being slightly clipped by a forklift? The company went with the lowest bid contractors and the structural integrity is just a notch above a shitty Erector set, so you may as well drive around like it’s your last day on Earth and have some fun power drifting around corners. Live a little, will ya?

If you want to see what a real certified forklift operator look no further than Dave over here. He’s operating on just three Red Bulls after spending all night at the bar and two hours of sleep. He may as well be driving drunk with the amount of times he’s nodded off cruising down the aisles carrying two tons of industrial grade chemicals. But that’s how you gotta roll when you’ve got three kids and an alimony payment.

If you want run with the big dogs, go ahead and prove to me that you’ve watched clips of old football highlights while clicking through the annual OSHA refresher course. Then maybe we’ll let you join the after-hours forklift jousting club.

But in the meantime, you could at least take that helmet off. You look like an idiot.

Nardwuar Ushered Out of Gentlemen’s Club for Addressing Dancers by Their Real Names

Posted on by Carson Kile

VANCOUVER, British Columbia — Legendary music journalist Nardwuar was gently but sternly escorted out of a gentlemen’s club last night for addressing the performers by their real names, confirmed sources who believed he went too far this time.

“It completely took me by surprise,” remarked Nardwuar, still wounded over the occasion. “Usually, the folks I interview love when I show off how much I’ve researched them, but I guess that kind of thing is looked down upon here. Even after interviewing Henry Rollins or Sonic Youth I didn’t feel this dejected. I had this whole thing planned out where I would reveal their 23andMe results, their shoe size, and the name of their first born child to them, but that was before they started tossing me out.”

In addition to revealing sensitive information, employees also expressed discomfort with the Human Serviette’s gift-giving habit.

“Sure, it’s a nice sentiment, and I needed a new bra anyways,” said dancer LeeAnn Thomason. “I just found it a little off-putting that he got me one that fit perfectly. I asked him, ‘How the hell do you know my size?’ and he said, ‘You’re Sinnamon Angel, we have to know!’ I think he meant that in a complimentary way, but it came off as creepy. It didn’t help that he tried stuffing a vinyl from some soul band called Dogfart down my g-string right after.”

While a high-profile person like Nardwuar being thrown out of a club certainly raised some eyebrows, to some employees it was just business as usual.

“I didn’t see what all the hullabaloo was about,” said Todd Strickland, a bouncer at the club for over 10 years. “Nobody told me he was some kind of a celebrity. He had a weird, nervous energy, and I could barely understand anything he was saying; I just thought he was from Quebec. I wouldn’t have treated him any differently if I did know who he was, anyways. I always keep a close eye on anyone who comes in here wearing a beret. From experience, I can tell you, guys in berets are usually bad news.”

At press time, eyewitnesses report Nardwuar is still in the parking lot shouting “doot doo da loot doot” at dancers hurriedly leaving the building.

15 Hardcore Bands Ranked by How Much They’d Improve Your Wedding Reception

Posted on by Yancy Lee Crawford

Unless it’s your wedding, most receptions suck worse than running out of vegan protein powder on leg day. Sure, a wedding reception presents endless opportunities to discuss straight edge veganism and HIIT training with every out-of-shape, alcoholic, beef eater in sight, but where are the breakdowns? Why aren’t there circle pits? Or weird body smells from a guy legally named Blood Pressure?

Your friends and family are excited to celebrate your quasi-religious tax shelter ceremony, but if you’re serious about getting them on the dance floor, you’ll need several sweaty bald men in basketball jerseys half-shouting about overcoming obstacles. Lucky for you, the wedding experts at The Hard Times are prepared to give your sex-condoning celebration the brass knuckles it needs. Get ready to cover the reception hall in the blood of your elders because here are the top 15 hardcore bands ranked by how much they’d improve your wedding reception!

15. Converge

Putting Converge at number 15 seems counterintuitive, but the wedding band should never outshine the couple. If you pick Jacob and the boys, you have to understand someone will post the ceremony on their Instagram story for everyone pregaming in the reception parking lot. Seeing Converge in the place you also went to prom is ultimately more important than the procession that says you can legally go apple picking now.

But booking Converge to play your wedding will be a 164% improvement over hiring your creepy cousin to DJ the party. Your grandma will flip tables when the opening notes of “Dark Horse” rip through everyone’s cummerbund. DJ Greg on the other hand will leave in handcuffs for an unrelated bench warrant before the first dance. Hope you brought your old iPod so you can play your “Dance Party ‘09” playlist!

14. Earth Crisis

Nothing will make your guests feel more relaxed and comfortable than the pummeling riffs of a militant vegan straight edge band. No chicken piccata will go unshamed! No toast will go unlectured! The vibes of your reception will be positively North Korean, and your friends and family will be better for it. Everyone in attendance could use a serious dose of self-discipline, and who better to shame your guests into living a better life than the band your aunt will keep calling Metallica?

13. Kublai Khan

Booking Kublai Khan will guarantee the Knights of Columbus you’ve rented burns to the ground. Your in-laws will never let you forget how the wedding party went feral during “Theory of Mind”—which is ultimately fine because Mickey and Lou have enough in savings to cover the generational damage done to that plot of land. As a wedding band, Kublai Khan’s pummeling riffs and frequent expletives demonstrate the fragility of love in a way that only a band from Texas named after a Yuan dynasty emperor can.

Fun fact: Marco Polo allegedly served in the real Kublai Khan’s court for almost seventeen years.
Double fun fact: Your encyclopedic recitation of history is exactly what will one day push your partner away for good.

12. The Hope Conspiracy

Until recently, booking Hope Con for your wedding was about as likely as seeing your cool aunt talking to your MAGA grandparents. But rejoice! The Hope Conspiracy is back even if
Grandma and Grandpa refuse to accept Aunt Sarah’s wife. Word on the street is that the band’s hiatus has them playing with the speed and ferocity of a much younger band–which is probably better for the wedding night than it is the wedding gig… But we’re sure you won’t complain when your step-brother-in-law Stephen Parker III gets his nose broken during “Animal Farm”!

11. The Bled

Break out your orthotic Vans and dressiest skinny jeans to witness a god-tier wedding band in style. And be sure to wear your best carabiner with a black and white checkered blazer, or everyone will think you listen to ‘00s New York garage rock. I mean, The Strokes were cool, but were they cooler than The Bled? No, but now that I think of it… having a stroke is definitely worse than just bleeding–unless the bleeding is really embarrassing. Like ass blood. Or if you’re pissing blood out of your ass. That’s definitely worse. Be sure to see a doctor after the reception.

10. Dying Wish

You might mistake this band for the venue’s wait staff, but they’ll be too busy breaking bottles and playing sternum-crushing breakdowns to take drink orders. Which is fine because your uncle has only been off the sauce for a few months. It will do him some good chasing around a group of heavily-tattooed youngsters in an attempt to treat himself to a secret beer. Closest thing he’ll get to it is watching 6 or 7 hardcore bands playing in front of a “Support the Troops!” Bud Light banner. And if he moshes? Even better! Lock Dying Wish down to play your wedding, and you could legitimately save a problem-drinking, upper-middle-aged man’s life.

9. ZULU

Booking Zulu means that you understand your bio dad is going to fist fight your step dad in the parking lot no matter what. So, if it’s going to happen, it might as well happen to the chaotic hellblasts of a band named after a Black South African resistance army. If marriage is a war of attrition, the reception should be tonally similar because it’s important to have healthy expectations. A quick word of advice: if you’re booking ZULU, be sure to sign a prenup. You have nothing, and in all likelihood will also have nothing later. But, what if your partner asks for half of your stick and poke tattoos in the divorce? Can you afford to lose any more skin?

8. SeeYouSpaceCowboy

This band will make you feel like you’re young and single even though you’re probably 6-7 years past what even your grandma would consider young. And frankly, that’s the least of your worries, buddy. This marriage is the best thing you’ve got going. If you take care of business here, your prospects are few and far between. Yeah, your merch, vinyl, and live show screenprint collection are nice, but that thing on your back is scary. So, let’s celebrate the official end of your eligibility with gnarly breakdowns played in the key of early-aughts nostalgia. Besides bringing heavy jams to your reception SeeYouSpaceCowboy are well known for their thoughtful gift-giving. That 14-piece horror movie dinnerware set? They pitched in and bought it for you.

7. Terror

Sometimes, weddings are just too much pomp and circumstance. We highly recommend keeping it simple and booking Terror. And as long as you don’t set the band at the kids’ table, there is no way your niece and nephew will get stomach tattoos on the playground. This school year. Plus, having Terror at your reception means you can have a bench press contest where the “Cha Cha Slide” used to be. Your grandparents will hold the bets. They’ll promise not to skim so much you can’t go to Jersey City for your honeymoon, but I’d be sure to count everything twice.

6. Soul Glo

Soul Glo is a crowd pleaser. They’re the perfect band for your aunt that loves NPR’s Tiny Desk concerts and your new brother-in-law that always seems to be on probation. But at no point should you let the two of these people meet because they will leave the reception together. And trust us, they are going to have the rawest sex in recorded human history.

You think your family’s weird now? Wait until J Money is not only your wife’s sister but also her uncle-in-law. That would also make your aunt your sister-in–law. That will be fun to explain when your kid has to make a family tree in third grade.

5. Gouge Away

Hiring a band that sounds like hardcore from the year you and your newly betrothed started dating is a great way to honor your 27-year engagement. The first time you rubbed your sweaty armpits together in a mosh pit, you knew you had finally met THE ONE. But if you love one another, why such a long engagement? Well, you both needed the better part of three decades to be sure it was right because unresolved childhood trauma made you both indecisive people-pleasers. Your love is probably absolute, but even if it’s not, you’ll never get divorced anyway. If you did, you’d be like your parents, and parents bad. So, listen to this 90s-inspired hardcore band and cherish the fact that you’d rather live in denial than work through your own shit. Cheers!

4. Jesus Piece

The only thing more intense than your fajita shits is the libido spike you get when your soon-to-be husband blasts Jesus Piece in the bedroom. When those riffs start flying, you know cheeks are about to get clapped. And wouldn’t it be great to share the sensual howls of an unhinged madman and his friends with everyone in your extended family? By the time the dollar dance is over, the wedding photos will look like they were ripped from the pages of National Geographic. The dance floor of your local conservation club never had it so good.

3. Evergreen Terrace

Sometimes a cover band is the best way to elevate your reception which is why you should book Evergreen Terrace to play the “Writer’s Block” album in its entirety. Weddings are hard, and everyone loves a cover band. Not you. Everyone else, though. If a U2 cover will make your mom happy, who are you to tell her she can’t slug back a healthy glass of Two Buck Chuck while listening to Bono and The Edge? But who says the band has to suck? Evergreen Terrace will be rattling and humming the walls of your rural community church basement with chaotic hardcore energy. Trust us, you’ll never regret giving your mom the chance to yell, “‘WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?!” halfway through “Sunday Bloody Sunday”.

2. Hatebreed

No band is better for reminding a couple the seriousness of their vows than Hatebreed. And if you think that Jamey Jasta is gonna let the two of you stray from your vows, boy are you wrong. This man will take your marital promises to his own grave. If you have a fight or even think about straying from your relationship for a second, a sweaty, basketball-shorted Jasta will burst out of the corner of the room and set you straight with a series of inspirational shouts. When you’re booking Hatebreed, you’ll gain a lifetime marital counselor that’s sure to turn your shitty snoozefest of a wedding reception into a violent mass of heaving optimism!

1. Knocked Loose

If the chicken dance makes you want to throat punch your aunt, and the “Cha Cha Slide” gives you uncontrollable diarrhea, Knocked Loose is the cure for your wedding ills. Sure, physical safety and the ability to reconnect with relatives is nice to have at a reception, but do you really care what your cousin from Stamford does for a living? Nope! And neither does she! So grab a breadstick, kick your stepbrother in the nuts, and join a wedding party wall of death the local newspapers will never stop covering. Why even have a first dance if it doesn’t go “Arf, Arf!”? Whether it’s “Counting Worms” or “Piece By Piece,” hiring Knocked Loose to play your wedding reception will make sure everyone has a good time. But be reasonable and be sure you have a first aid kit and trained first responders on the premises because all grandmas are crowd killers.

A final piece of technical advice: don’t let the band set up their merch table by the buffet because the merch guy always ends up eating a little with just his dirty, little fingers.

And while our wedding reception advice may seem unconventional–maybe that’s why we’ve been divorced multiple times–but our receptions have never been lame.

Lars Ulrich Threatens to End Metallica if Other Band Members Keep Missing His Sweet Jumps off Diving Board

Posted on by Chris Bratton

MIAMI — Longtime Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich was seen threatening to break up the band if his fellow bandmates continued to miss him jumping off the diving board, confirmed sources who called his bluff.

“It’s outrageously embarrassing to completely destroy a sick belly flop or one of those jumps where you keep running mid-air after already going off the diving board, and then you come up for air and look over to see none of your bandmates are acknowledging your aquatic skills,” Ulrich complained. “I also told Hetfield to pick me up some Dr. Peppers and he came back with some store brand commoner bullshit called Dr. Riffic like I don’t work hard and earn the good stuff. Almost ended the band after that incident too. Oh, and when I wanted to play tetherball, they were suddenly all too busy relaxing in the cabana, being snooze-fests. That’s grounds for dissolving the band too. Let’s just say I almost nixed Metallica 12 times this week over various offenses.”

Lifeguard Brian Marino was visibly annoyed after jumping in to save what he believed was a drowning victim at the time.

“I saw a bunch of thrashing around and flailing, and dove in straight away. When I swam over it was a 60-year-old man, he made a shushing motion and whispered something about how he was trying to get Kirk Hammett to jump in and save him. Then he asked me if I saw him rip a cannonball and how big the splash was,” Marino explained. “He needs to learn that if he’s going to act like this then there would be consequences. I told him he needed to take the swim test again if he wanted to stay in the deep end. He told me to fuck off then spent an hour on the phone with his awyer trying to get the pool facilities closed down.”

Family therapist Michelle McCoy compared internal band relationships with family dynamics.

“Sometimes the role of the youngest child is used to act out against others in your band,” said McCoy. “I gave Lars a deep breathing exercise to calm down during a tantrum. But when he would try to count to 10, he would instinctively start air drumming after one, two, three, four. I haven’t seen such dysfunction since trying to moderate board game night between Simon and Garfunkel.”

While Metallica still remains together, there is a worry that a band trip to Disneyland next week could put an irreconcilable strain on the band.