GREENSBORO, N.C. — An aging drum kit living with local parents Barbara and Sam Willett has no imminent plans to leave, despite staying in their…
KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo Co. announced the release of Nintendo Switch Online today, along with the announcement that it has completely sold out of the…
LOS ANGELES — Perpetually unemployed boyfriend Liam Womack announced yesterday that he will cease failing to author novels to pursue procrastinating on writing screenplays, apprehensive…
LINCOLN, Neb. — Local grandfather Peter Cruz received a lesson in do-it-yourself ethics last night from his grandson, who explained basic DIY principles while inside…
So, you’re driving your crew to the movies and you put on that new song. The one you’ve been listening to all week. The one…
Cracker. Honky. Whitey. Redneck. These are among the many terms that aren’t racist because it’s impossible to be racist to white people. Racism is a…
CHARLESTON, S.C. — Several of local DC Extended Universe fan Shane Thorne’s roomates have confirmed that he has been practicing his inevitable defending of the…
ERANGEL, Russia — Four people died today when a Dacia 1300 collided with a small rock at the edge of a local highway, launching the…
RALEIGH, N.C. — A lead change occurred in the final lap of the Rainbow Road Grand Prix last night during what was supposed to be…
MINNEAPOLIS — A 1986 Ford Econoline van baffled onlookers and scientists alike last night after somehow inhabiting two separate parking spaces at precisely the same…
Yeah, I hear what you’re saying about the awful car wreck you got into this morning. Whatever it was you were telling me about that,…
SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local bouncer Terry Brawn initiated an important and revealing third look last night at a potential patron’s driver’s license before allowing entry…
BOSTON — Tufts University philosophy student Colin Hendricks was amused to learn yesterday that recovering addict and “fucking brainless sheep” Gretchen Matherson celebrated six months…
NEW YORK — Rapper and television personality Action “Mr. Wonderful” Bronson was brutally murdered on the streets of Queens last night during a long and…
$167 Concert Ticket Comes With Free Commentary From Guy Behind You
ALLENTOWN, Pa. — A special, VIP ticket package to attend Ozzy Osbourne: No More Tours 2 includes running commentary from the guy in the row…